The Real Happy Ending

So LED posted this video on her Facebook page and I absolutely LOVE it! It is perfect in everyway really! (I don't really agree with his assessment of Obama, but it is hilarious in context!)

For your enjoyment, the real story behind the Disney happy endings!

All of Her: Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I want everything to be perfect for Jahan. I try to take this slowly. The first step being asking her out on a proper date. Which I don't know how to do because I've never asked anyone out on a date before. Which would be where Clark comes in. Of course, all of this is going to have to wait until after graduation.

Graduation is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I am pacing the apartment in fuzzy Kermit the Frog slippers. Everything is packed up, because I am moving into a new place at the end of the week. My internship officially ended yesterday and I was interviewed for a full time position. I won't find out until after graduation whether or not I have been hired.

Out of desperation for something to do, I call Clark.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clark, its Abra. Are you doing anything overly important right now?" I stop pacing for a moment and nibble on one of my nails.

"Just finishing up grading finals. Why?"

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat with me and then maybe go fly a kite or two?" I cross my fingers, I really need to get out of here or I'm going to go crazy.

"Nerves kicking in?" He laughs.

"Maybe a little." I say, laughing too.

"Give me an hour and I'll meet you at 'The Wilford and Brimley.' Okay?"

"Perfect," I say. "I'll meet you there."

I throw on a t-shirt and jean cut-off shorts. I change my fuzzy Kermit slippers for some sparkly pink flip-flops, grab my keys, grab the kites and head out the door. On my way to "The Wilford and Brimley" I call Noah.

"Noah here." He says. He sounds slightly annoyed.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't get this painting to turn out right, that's all. What are you up to?"

"I'm headed to 'The Wilford and Brimley' to grab a bite to eat with Clark. Do you want to come along?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I have to finish this painting or it will bug me for the rest of the night. As it is, it's going to bug me anyway. Have fun though."

"Good luck." I say and we hang up.

I arrive before Clark, so I order some onion rings and fries to munch on while I wait. I don't wait long for him, however, and he shows up before the onion rings.

"What's up, Abe?" We hug and he sits down.

"I'm nervous as hell, that's all." I take a big sip of my root beer.

"Nervous because of graduation, moving or some other reason?" He smiles at me knowingly and I almost spit my drink.

"What do you mean by 'some other reason'?" I pretend that I'm shocked.

"Relationship troubles, possibly?"

"We only just broke up last week. What would make you think there is someone else so soon?"

"I'm not vain enough to believe that you are that broken up about us being over. I also know that you are determined to be wild and crazy since all the bullshit with David. So, 'fess up. What's the matter?"

"Okay, fine. There's this girl. I want to take her on a proper date, but I don't know how. I've only ever been with David and you. David and I never 'dated' per say. And I didn't ask you out, you asked me. I am completely lost as to what to do or how to go about it. Be my Cyrano and help me woo lady fair?" I bat my eyelashes at him, playing around.

"I will have you know, my nose isn't that big." He laughs and I laugh with him. We laugh for a little bit and order some food besides onion rings.

"Seriously though, Clark. I'm pretty sure this is a first for her and I just don't want to mess it up by rushing into it."

He seems to ponder my dilemma for a few minutes. Our food arrives before he answers and we just dig in. Half way through his hamburger, he looks up at me. He chews slowly before taking a long drink of his water. Its like he is doing this on purpose to keep me on pins and needles.

"Well?" I say, prompting him to speak.

"Have you thought about taking her to fly kites on the beach?"

I pause and look at him. He seems to be serious, but I can't believe he would want me to do that with anyone else. That is something I've not even done with Noah or my family. I consider that to be almost like our sex life, something to be treasured, not spread around.

"No, I hadn't. That is our memory, Clark. I don't want to share that with someone that I can't guarantee I'll be friends with later. Its one thing to fly kites with you, I don't want to do that with a girl I think I want to date."

"I didn't necessarily mean glow stick kite flying, like we do. Just regular kite flying, during the day, like normal people. Though, I'm touched that you don't want to share glow stick kite flying with everyone." He takes my hand and we hold like that for a little while. He isn't my lover anymore, but I enjoy these moments of close companionship.

"When do you want this 'date' to happen?" He asks.

"I don't know. After graduation, after the move, after I find out if I got the job with the firm or not. After all the other obstacles are out of the way, I guess."

"You have time to think about it then. Take her somewhere nice, maybe for dinner. Maybe just for a walk. Just be yourself. Do what feels right and everything will be fine. In the meantime, you should get back home and try to get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow."

"I thought we might go fly kites for just a little bit, if you aren't in a hurry to get back to grading. Are you coming tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll be there tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it for the world. As to flying kites tonight, I suppose it won't hurt anything for my grading to wait just a little longer." We smile at each other, pay our bills and then hop in his car. As he drives I think about what tomorrow holds and what I might want to do with Jahan. Its so crazy to be single and trying to navigate the dating world.

We get to the beach and set up our kites. We set them soaring against the darkening sky, glowing like falling stars. We sit in the sand and watch the kites dance for a while. I should be going home soon. I need to sleep so I can do well at graduation tomorrow. This is going to be one of the biggest days of my life and I have to be prepared. I rest my head on Clark's shoulder and watch the water lapping at our feet.

I must've fallen asleep there, amidst the lapping of the water and dancing of the kites, because the next thing I know I am at home, tucked into bed. The kites are propped up on the dresser and Snuggles is purring next to my head. I smile, sleepily, imagining the trouble Clark must've had to get me home and in bed. I close my eyes and I swim off into a world of dreams.

At graduation, I am even more nervous. I look over the crowd of caps and gowns, people I have befriended and gone to class with. I look over the crowd of well-wishers and parents. I feel like I'm going to throw up as I walk up to the podium.

"We have all realized a dream today. A dream of achieving a higher education. A dream of going further than we have before. Today is the day that we can stand tall and pat ourselves on the back for the hard work and dedication it has taken to get here. Some of us have double majored or even triple majored. Some of us have worked a regular job and an internship while still going to class. Some of us have given up things to get to where we stand today. Be proud of yourselves today. Because today we have done what we strived to do. Today we have accomplished what we have cried and sweat for. Today, we are the graduating class!"

There is cheering as we are pronounced the graduating class of this year. We throw our caps into the air, crying and hugging one another. After the ceremony I am greeted by my entire family, Noah and Clark. There are pictures taken and hugs given. We all go to Mom's house for a "graduation celebration" and we stuff ourselves silly.

Later, as I am lounging on the porch wistfully daydreaming, Clark comes up and hugs me. He kisses me on the cheek before heading home. Mom comes out and sits beside me. We watch him walk to his car. I sigh, still wistful.

"Did you like him, Abra?" my mother asks.

"I liked him, Mom. But not enough to give my heart to him."

She is quiet and I am thoughtful. She smiles at me and then hugs me tightly before we both head back in to the party. We laugh, eat and dance around the house until the wee small hours of the morning. When it is over, I fall asleep on Mom's couch reliving my moment in the proverbial sun.

When I get home there is a message on my answering machine from the accounting firm. I am hesitant as I press play. It is to tell me that I got the job that I had been hoping for. I scream and cry and dance around my living room, replaying the message twice. The cat meows at me, looking at me quizzically. I call my mother to tell her, then I call Noah and then I call Clark. With each re-telling of my triumph I get more excited. I jump around the apartment, crying out to the ceiling that I have done it.

I have stop when a downstairs neighbor begins banging on my door telling me to shut up. Not even that, however, can still my enthusiasm. Now all I have to do is move out of this memory of David and into a new memory. And ask Jahan out.

Moving proves to be less stressful than giving my speech at graduation. With Kevin and Brad's help I am moved out of my old place and into the new within a few hours. The only thing to do is turn in my key to the landlord.

When I go to the office to turn in my key the landlord surprises me with a small package. I open it to discover my engagement ring. I had forgotten all about David returning it. I thanked her for holding it for me and gave her my key. I had hoped to leave all my memories here, but I see that there are some things that will not stay behind. For a moment I am tempted to throw it as hard and as far as I can. Something keeps me from doing that and, instead, I put it in the glove compartment of my car.

I refuse to let anything bring me down and when I get to my new apartment I begin to whistle merrily while I unpack. As soon as there is some semblance of order I will ask Jahan out. I have figured all the details out and I have the whole evening planned. It all relies on me asking.

A few days after I have settled in, I go for a walk on campus. I vaguely know Jahan's schedule, so I wait in the common area for her. I have written a flirty note to her, asking her to meet me on the beach for a moonlit swim and picnic dinner. It hints at things that may happen after.

I happen to see her, hurrying toward the Theology building, so I hurry to catch up. I don't say a word, but slip her the note and give her a hug before sprinting back toward my car. All that is left is to wait for her at the beach.

At home I, briskly, pack up a picnic dinner and a blanket. Once I finish packing everything up, I find my swimsuit, a few towels and t-shirt. I stop then. Does she even have a bathing suit? I hadn't thought about that before now. I pack an extra swimsuit, just in case. Before I lose my nerve to follow through, I head out to my car. I drive slowly to the beach, hoping that this will still my erratically beating heart. It doesn't, but one can always dream.

When I arrive I lay everything out on the sand and change into my swimsuit. I have just enough time to do this before I see her coming down the stairs from the parking area.

Since it is dark, she doesn't hesitate to take off the niqab and kiss me passionately. We kiss for a short while, before she presses something into my hand. It is a small note. Inside, in elegant handwriting, is a short poem written by her namesake Jahan Khatun.

"I have no idea how long I should wait for you or to strive
But I know that is now the time that my luck must finally arrive
This long shirt seems to be as a veil between you and me
I do not know if it is wrong or right
But if you could hold me tight
That veil would no longer be in sight!"

The sweetness and sensuality of this small poem sparks a small fire in my blood. I kiss her again, more passionately and we collapse on the blanket, entangled. Before we go too far, I stop her.

"We should eat first." I say, smiling. I know that she is eager and still frustrated from our last encounter. She moans and tugs at my swimsuit bottom.

"Not that kind of eating!" I giggle, playfully batting her hands away. We eat a little, talking quietly and enjoying the peace of the silent beach. We don't wait long before we begin to swim, just for a little bit. The longer we wait, I assure her, the sweeter everything will be. We swim for an hour or two before dragging ourselves out of the water and drying off. I have her follow me to my apartment in her brother's car.

Once at the apartment, I barely have time to unlock the door before we are inside and practically ripping her clothes off in our haste. Once she is down to her lacy panties and bra, I stop.

"What's the matter?" she asks, breathily.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I ask, nuzzling her neck and letting my hand wander up her thigh.

"Yes," she moans and pushes her hips toward my hand. I unhook her bra and then, gently, I hook my thumbs on her panties and slowly pull them down. Once she is completely undressed I take her hand and lead her into my room. I have her lie down and I begin to kiss her again. I kiss her all over, my lips traversing across the wonderland of her body. She moans and pulls at my clothes.

I oblige her by undressing and I lie down next to her. One of my hands wanders up and down her silky soft skin, caressing here and grazing there.

Down into this sexual abyss, I have come to love, we go. For her first time Jahan receives the very best I have to offer. And, when her finale hits, I kiss her breathless and bring her over again.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel a rush of pleasure at seeing Jahan curled in my arms. I brush a stray curl aside and smile warmly. She is so beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined she could be. I wish I could see her like this all the time.

What will life be like for her? She can't hide who she is forever. She is too wild and free to be a hypocritical atheist forever. If found out, her family will disown her. She will lose her Muslim friends as well. She will lose everything dear to her. I don't want her to lose all of that for me. I don't want to be the cause of that grief and separation.

Have I pulled the goddess too far away from heaven? Have I torn her off of her pedestal and exposed her to a world that will never understand her? I have given the mermaid her legs, but have I stolen her voice?

A wave of guilt crashes over me. I hadn't taken any of these things into consideration before I seduced her. I had only thought of the mutual pleasure we would receive from this.

She stirs. Her gold flecked eyelashes flutter against her creamy skin. She smiles a sleepy smile.

"I love you." she murmurs.

Another surge of guilt washes over me. I hope that she is drowsy enough that she won't notice if I don't say "I love you" back. Instead, I kiss her forehead and hold her close. I think I have made a serious mistake. This was the wrong thing to do. In my thoughtlessness have I ruined her life?

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,
Is it wrong that I feel the way that I do? Is it so wrong that I still feel this way, after years. I've tried to wipe it out with hate and anguish. The anguish remains, but I'm too tired to hate anymore. I'm just sadly angry and angrily sad. Is it fair to feel this way? Should I try to squash it?

Do you know what I want most for Christmas, Santa? I want a family again. I want my grandfather, Memere, Pepere, grandma Bobbi, my dad, I even want Wes and his family back. Just to feel like we were a family again. Just to feel the illusion of love, even for a few moments. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want even the illusion of it again?

But if Wes wanted to be a father, he should've tried harder. If he wanted to be a part of my life he should've tried. I shouldn't have to go to him to make things work. He should've acted like an adult.

I am my mother's daughter first. I am his daughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am his daughter second.
If he couldn't love my mother any longer, couldn't tolerate my brother any longer than he no longer loved or tolerated me. They are a part of me and I am a part of them. I really did love him at one point.

If Carolyn wanted to be my grandmother she should've tried to love my mother, love my brother. She should've tried harder, but I suppose she didn't know how. But that isn't my fault.

I am my mother's daughter first. I am her granddaughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am her granddaughter second.
If she can't accept and love them, then she can't accept and love me. And the saddest thing is that I really did love her. Looked up to her. But I can't tolerate her talking shit about my mother. I won't stand for anyone to talk shit about my mother or my brother or my sister.

Mom, Chris and Hannah are almost all I have really. I have several other relatives, but none that I see on a regular basis. And my mother's husband, Mark, is a nice enough man, but he isn't my father. He never will be. He will always be a nice man that my mother is married to. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with him just being a friend.

I want acceptance for Christmas. I want to believe that Wes actually cared once. Or maybe I don't, because then I'll just blame myself for him not caring any longer.

I'd like to not be so pathetic that I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything that is wrong. I'd like to not be so hung up on missing people that don't care about me. People who don't even think about me, even though I can't stop thinking about them.

I really just want peace on earth, I guess.

But you aren't any more real than the unicorns and mermaids I claim to believe in. You can't solve my problems anymore than I can. And if there is a God, he has long since stopped listening to me. I suppose this is where I should end this then. What's the point, Santa?

If I say I've been a really good girl this year, will that make any difference?

If I say that I've really tried this year, will that make any difference?

I hate you. I truly do. I hate you for not being real. I hate you for being a childhood principality that can't exist in this world. I hate that this is how everything has worked out.

I am too tired to hate you. I'm too tired to hate anyone, anymore.

Sarai.

All of Her: Prologue

"I'm still in love with all of her."

He says that and my heart breaks, because I know it's true. I can imagine them entangled, wrapped up in pink sheets and pink flesh. It isn't fair, of course, but I can see that it doesn't matter what is fair and what is not.

Am I an idiot for wishing it was me instead?

I smile, a wobbly smile that speaks of tears and regret. He doesn't notice, he is staring off into her distance. The beach feels like it is trying to swallow me whole. The ocean is rocking and he is rocking away and into her arms. I'm still just standing there. Watching the two loves of my life fall in love with each other.

Its like a punch to my chest, really. Like he just took a rusty nail and pounded it into my heart.

I feel like getting drunk. I watch them swimming off into the sunset, like a couple of mer-people to Atlantis. Or maybe that is my broken heart's imagination. Its a little ridiculous, looking at it from where I am now.

"What did you say?" he asks.

I am snapped out of my depressing daydreams. Did I say something out loud? Was I just voicing my inner monologues? Oh shit.

"Hmm? I didn't say anything." I start walking away. He doesn't follow, so I take this as a good sign. Everything has reduced to slow motion action movie, that moment where the good guy moves just in time kind of moment. Except, instead of action it is me being a bit of a child and trying to run away from something I don't understand.

The time has come, the walrus says, to talk of many things. He is right, of course, even talking walruses can be right sometimes. Unfortunately for myself, I don't feel like talking about anything. Is it strange that I have a walrus in my head rather than shoulder angels/devils? Thank Alice for that, of course.

I have decided to run away. Or cry. Either seems viable at this moment. Alice and David are off in their wonderland, in love and laughing. I turn, still in slow motion, and see them kissing and smiling that sweet and innocent smile of a first and only love. Damn it, why did I look back?

I feel like Lot's wife, like I've just been turned into salt because I glanced back. I'm frozen and slightly raw, like the wound just got scrubbed. Ridiculous really, to liken my feelings to some woman who may or may not have existed and may or may not have been turned into a pillar of salt. And now that I think about it, how did they know she got turned into a pillar of salt if they weren't allowed to look back? Or were they behind her when she looked back?

Now I'm just rambling.

Nothing changes the fact that Alice and David are still canoodling and I'm still being a child and walking away. Again with my stupid and irrational inner monologues.

It is time for a change. A distance of sorts. I'm not running away.

Okay, I am.

Who can blame me really? It isn't fair. Not fair at all. I want to scream or bleat like a billy goat. Neither one of those things will do a damn bit of good. I know that. Plus, I'll just look like an idiot. So, time for a change of scenery, Abra. Time to rethink everything in a different location.

The only real question now is: Where?

Yoü and I

I am what some people would call an indecisive music lover. Sometimes I will absolutely adore everything an artist has ever done (Gackt), I'll absolutely hate everything an artist has ever done (Taylor Swift) or I'll like some of it and hate some of it. Which is where Lady Gaga comes in.

I am all for being original and unique. I'm all for trying to be yourself. I'm all for pushing the proverbial envelope and making yourself be heard. I'm okay with that, which is why I have to have some respect for Lady Gaga. I get that she is trying to be original (failing miserably, by the way) and that she is trying to get everyone to think she is fabulous. Which, admittedly, seems to be working quite well. I like Gaga, but I'm beginning to think that she has lost her damn mind.

Her latest video, "Yoü and I", made absolutely no sense to me.
For one thing, why does she have a trema (also known as diacritic and umlaut) over the letter U in You? It doesn't make any sense to have it there, because it doesn't change the word at all. You isn't transformed into something spectacular (like a semi-naked superhero come to save you from a sexless sex-life) it is just You with two dots over the freaking U (like a hobo with a bow on his head. He is still a hobo, just with an extra accessory)!

To be fair, I kind of liked the song. I thought it was kind of interesting. However, it didn't fit the video at all. In the video, Gaga is wearing her usual revealing and elaborate outfits. Nothing unusual there. Until you start to notice all the S&M stuff going on while she is in those outfits. She is being sexually and electrically tortured by some guy. Who she seems to be marrying in some of the first frames of the video.

I am all for being open about what you like sexually, but there is a freakin' limit! I really don't want to see her being tortured and fucked. If I want to see someone having kinky sex I have access to the internet and, as we all know from listening to Avenue Q, the internet is for porn.

The scene in the piano field with her as a guy on top of the piano and as the woman playing the piano makes me feel like I'm watching something slightly incestuous. Or like she is two people performing some strange form of masturbation due to being the same person while still technically separated. It just made me feel very strange. However, Gaga does make a decent looking man. Not going to lie.

There were several images in this video that confused me. For example: the partially cyborg Gaga, the ice cream truck man with the doll, the mermaid for pete's sake! Why is Gaga a mermaid? Why is her boyfriend/former lover/husband raping/experimenting on her? What is with all this medical stuff and creepy electrocuted references? If it had been a horror film with some substance I would totally have enjoyed the hell out of it, but it was a music video that had no frame of reference for me.

I don't mind the song. In fact, Fawn doesn't even mind the song (which is weird because she doesn't like Gaga at all). Except I don't really like the video.

P.S. Mermaid sex does not work like that at all. Which makes me feel like I just watch some bestiality porn.

So, for your viewing pleasure (or displeasure depending), "Yoü and I" by Lady Gaga.

The Clown in My Closet

THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO MEGAN M! (who kind of demanded that I have a blog at least dedicated to her. :P )

Coulrophobia is the extreme fear of clowns.

I was thinking about clowns the other day. (Today I was thinking about abortions and fruit, but that is a different blog for [perhaps] a different day) And I asked my friends on Facebook (yay, Facebook addiction) who was afraid of clowns. 8 of my friend responded.

Three of my friends were scared of them.
Two of my friends weren't.
And three friends said that they just couldn't stand them, but weren't actually afraid of them.

Why are we (as a society) afraid of clowns? Is it because of Stephen King? Is it urban legends? Is it people like John Wayne Gacy? Is it a fear of the unknown and a fear of the masked? Donnie says that clowns fall into the realm of the uncanny. Which is why those who haven't seen "It", encountered John Wayne Gacy or urban legends still don't like them. Even if they have no real reason to dislike them.

I have personally never had a problem with clowns (except for when I was a year old and my parents got me a clown for my first birthday. I wasn't entirely sure what to think of that). In fact, I really like the ideas of clowns. I especially like older versions of them, such as harlequins and jesters. I like French clowns and mimes, too. There is something oddly beautiful, to me, about clowns. Certain clowns that is. Obviously there are clowns out there that are just plain horrifying and disturbing.

Here are some examples of what I call, beautiful clowns.



Okay, this one is kind of just because I think Keira Knightley is hot and she looks good with the "fuck me" red hair. :P Also, she is too pretty to be an "evil" clown, even if that is what her make-up implies.




This one actually has hardly anything to do with clowns. This one is more because I love mermaids and this is a clown fish mermaid... Hey, clown is in the name!


And just for the cute factor, a whole class full of clowns. ^_^


I suppose I can understand being afraid of something that you can't see its real face. That is slightly unnerving (unless you're into that kind of thing), but I don't find it frightening. If a clown was following me at night, I would be nervous, but I'd be nervous with anyone following me at night. I'm the type of person who is constantly keeping track of the vehicle behind me when I'm driving. I always plan ahead in case they ARE following me and I need to take a different route (because you NEVER EVER go to your house if you suspect someone of following you, you find a safe place to go).

I read in an article that one of the reasons people are afraid of clowns is because of Batman. In the Batman comics his arch-nemesis is the Joker (and his sexy sidekick, Harley Quinn). The Joker is a bat-shit insane man who always looks like a deranged clown. Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace) really brings that creepy clown vibe to the forefront in "The Dark Knight". Personally, The Joker was my favorite male villian in Batman (Batman being my all time favorite superhero, but once again that is another blog for another day), my favorite female villian being Catwoman.

When I was young (and stupid) I had a terrible crush on the Joker, partially because he was brilliantly insane and insanely brilliant. He was witty and often terrifying and he totally owned a piece of my heart because of it. I don't see why the Joker would make people afraid of clowns. Are you seriously going to believe that every clown, everywhere, is a Joker in disguise waiting to kill you or fuck with your head?

The Joker and his many faces (fun fact: Mark Hamill [aka: Luke Skywalker in Star Wars] voiced the cartoon Joker).


Anyway, I guess what I'm really trying to say is...

Fairy Tales

As a child my favorite fairy tale was "The Little Mermaid". I had the Disney movie and it was my security blanket. I took that movie with me everywhere. I watched it all the time (My second favorite movie was "The Wizard of Oz", which should've been obvious from my "J-Rock Wizard of Oz" tribute) and had it memorized. I have a picture of me watching it with my father on the couch at my Memere's house. My mom even got me one of those tents. If you grew up in the 90's you know exactly what I'm talking about. Those plastic play tents that your mom or dad would set up in your room or the living room and you would play with your toys in there.

However, whilst I love "The Little Mermaid" (both the Disney movie and the Hans Christian Anderson story), I love a few other interesting fairy tales. Not all of them happy. So, here is my Top 5 Favorite Fairy Tales list. Just to be random! (Since "The Little Mermaid" is a given it will not appear on this list)

1. The 12 Dancing Princesses (Germany)
This story is kind of weird. Which would probably be part of the reason that I love it so much. The Twelve Dancing Princesses was originally published by the Brothers Grimm (unsurprising to be sure) and since then it has seen many different places and things. Including, Faerie Tale Theatre (Shelley Duvall!) and Barbie (ugh!).

The tale goes that a king becomes incredibly suspicious as to why his daughter's dancing shoes are always worn out every morning. Especially since they all sleep in the same room and their door is locked every night! They can't possibly be going out dancing! Or so he thinks. Of course, one can't blame him. He has to pay for new shoes for TWELVE DAUGHTERS every day... I'd be a little suspicious too.

He decides to give a reward to whomever can figure out what is happening to his daughters' shoes each night. A soldier arrives and decides he is going to try his luck. After meeting an old woman (who gives him an invisibility cloak and some good advice), he eventually discovers what is happening. I won't spoil it for you, but as the title suggests, it has to do with dancing girls.

If you are interested you can read the story here: http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/TwelDanc.shtml
As far as I can tell it is the full story, at least as close to the version I have always read as I can get on the internet.

I always enjoyed this story just because I loved the idea of these princesses escaping their father for one night and dancing it away with handsome princes in an enchanted forest. Who wouldn't love to do that?!

2. Bluebeard (France)
"Bluebeard" was written by Charles Perrault, also known as Mother Goose. Bluebeard is not your typical fairy tale. It doesn't feature princesses or ghosts or anything like that. In fact, it is one of the most disturbing fairy tales I've ever had the pleasure of reading. And, something I didn't know before now, it may have been based on a couple of real people.

Bluebeard is NOT Prince Charming. No where near it in fact. He is described as hideously ugly because of his horrifically blue beard. Hence the name. At any rate, he has been married several times, but no one knows what has happened to his wives. (I'm sure you can see why that would be a little weird and somewhat frightening to any future wives) According to Monsieur Bluebeard, they all left him. But none of them returned to their families.

Eventually, after throwing many lavish parties, Bluebeard marries again. This young woman decides that under all that blue facial hair is a handsome and refined man that she wants to marry. And she does. After all, his beard isn't really all that blue. (<--- That is almost a verbatim quote from the story, just sayin')


So, this beautiful young woman moves into her husband's ridiculously huge house (I mean, the man has a key for every room, every closet, every cupboard, etc...) and is content with her lot. That is until the day her husband decides he has to go on a business trip. Because he knows that his new wife is young and because he knows she will miss him, he leaves her his keys and tells her to throw a huge party. To invite everyone she knows and have them stay with her for a few weeks while he is gone. His only stipulation is that she not open the little closet in the bottom floor of the house. He is even kind enough to show her the key that opens said forbidden closet. Of course she swears her loyalty to her husband by promising to not go anywhere near said forbidden room.


As soon as he is gone, she invites over everyone that she knows for a huge party. However, being a curious girl and a poor hostess, she quickly goes to the bottom floor of the house and opens the door to the little closet. What she finds there so startles her that she passes out, dropping the key. It is this little key that leads to her undoing.


Of course, you have to find a copy of the story to find out what happens, 'twould be a tragedy for me to spoil it.


3. The Girl with the Rose Red Slippers (Egypt)
I found this fairy tale not that long ago (about a year ago) while looking for stories from Egypt. This story is considered to be one of the first "Cinderella" stories every told.

A beautiful girl is bought as a slave. Except this owner is quite nice to her and somewhat indulges her, even giving her a pair of beautiful rose red slippers. One day, while she is bathing, an eagle comes out of nowhere and steals one of her rose red slippers (of which she was particularly fond) and makes off with it. The beautiful girl weeps bitterly over the loss, but resigns herself to it.

In the meantime the eagle (Horus' sacred bird) flies toward Memphis, (Egypt, not Tennessee) where Pharoah is currently. The bird swoops down over the courtyard and drops the slipper where Pharoah can see it. And, for some reason, because he thought the slipper was SO beautiful it MUST belong to a most beautiful woman. Which doesn't make much sense, because ugly girls like beautiful things too... Anyway, he determines to find said beautiful woman and issues a decree that they sure all of Egypt to find her.

For the rest of the story go to http://saraicrazyblog.blogspot.com/2010/03/few-interesting-bits.html (My previous blog post! :P)

4. The Old Hag's Long Leather Bag (Ireland)
This story never fails to amuse me. Partially because of the repetitive and exhaustive rhyming and the crazy. Mostly the crazy.

This story starts with a young widow who has all of her money stolen by an old woman passing herself off as a maid. Because of this the young woman and her three young daughters are forced to live hand to mouth for many years. When the time comes for the oldest of the three daughters to go out into the world she tells her mom to bake her a bannock (or at least that is what my version says, the version I found online definitely does not follow my story as closely) and send her on her way. Her mother asks if she will take a half of the bannock with her blessing or all of it without. Being greedy, the eldest daughter takes the whole without.

The oldest daughter goes into the world and meets up with an old woman. The old woman says she needs a maid and asks if the daughter will work for her. The daughter agrees and the old woman says, clean everything, but on your life do not look up the chimney (does that sound familiar?). The daughter promises. And for a few weeks she refrains from looking up the chimney. One day, however, while the old woman is out (playing bingo or attempting to cook Hansel and Gretel perhaps) the eldest daughter looks up the chimney. Inside she sees a long leather bag. She pulls it down and discovers her mother's entire fortune!

Well, obviously she takes off immediately with the long leather bag to go back to her mother and sisters. Along the way, however she meets many interesting things. Including a horse, a windmill, a goat, a sheep, a cow and a kiln.

Each one asks her for a favor and she refuses each time. When the old woman finally comes home and discovers her bag is gone she asks each animal/item the same question. The question goes like this (though not in the link I will give you, because as aforementioned they didn't follow my version):
"Horse of mine, have you seen this maid of mine? With my tig, with my tag, with my long leather bag and all the gold and silver I have earned since I was a maid?" And because the eldest daughter was not nice and helped out the Horse would reply with she went that way.

She eventually catches the girl (she is asleep inside the windmill) and she strikes her with her cane turning her into a stone (the old woman isn't called a hag for nothing!).

Cut to the second daughter. Its been a year, so obviously her sister must be doing well and she decides she is going out into the world too. She also takes the whole bannock without her mother's blessing and meets up with the old woman. She also promises not to look up the chimney and eventually does. She also discovers her mother's fortune and takes off with it. And, just like her older sister, she isn't kind to the things she meets along the way.

Because of this she, too, ends up turned into a stone inside of the windmill.

Its now been two years since the eldest daughter left and a year since the middle daughter left. Obviously this is a sign that they are doing so well that they don't have to write home. The youngest daughter decides to follow their idea by going out into the world. Except, she takes the half a bannock with her mother's blessing, unlike her two greedy sisters.

So, because she is obviously different from her sisters, when the time comes that she is running back home with her mother's fortune she naturally stops to help those along the way that ask for help.

When the old woman follows suit, she asks: "Horse of mine, have you seen this maid of mine? With my tig, with my tag, with my long leather bag and all the gold and silver I have earned since I was a maid?" and the horse basically says, "Do you think I have nothing better to do than to keep track of your maids?"

To find out what happens to the nice daughter and the two stones in the windmill you may follow this link: http://www.fantasy-web.com/kidskorner/bag.htm

5. Marya Morevna (Russia)
The story of Marya Morevna starts off with Prince Ivan. Prince Ivan has three beautiful sisters and he just inherited the kingdom of Russia. His sisters are, one by one, married off to some awesome shapeshifting princes and Ivan finds himself incredibly alone.

One day, while walking around on a battlefield, Ivan encounters the beautiful Warrior Princess Marya Morevna. He immediately falls in love with her and they get married. They live happily for a long time, but one day Marya decides that she must leave to fight someone or other and she makes Ivan promise not to go into a closet (or the upper turret, depending on which version you read. Also, doesn't that sound really familiar?). He promises, however, as soon as she is gone he totally opens it.

Inside he finds Koshchei the Deathless in chains, except Ivan doesn't know that. He just sees a withered old man who is begging for food and drink because Marya hasn't given him either in 10 years. Obviously, Ivan gives him water. Once Koshchei drinks up all the water he breaks his chains and vows to kidnap Marya. He takes off and poor Ivan realizes what an idiot he has been.

Not deterred by the creepy deathless dude that just escaped his wife's closet, Ivan vows to go after Marya and save her from Koshchei. On his journey to save his wife he decides to stop by and visit his three sisters as well. He explains to them and his brothers-in-law what has happened and each brother-in-law asks Ivan to leave something of his behind. Presumably to remember him by.

Anywho, eventually he finds Marya Morevna. He tells her that they should leave and that she should forgive him, though I wouldn't blame her if she didn't, since god only knows what Koshchei has been doing to her since he captured her.

However, Koshchei is not only Deathless, but he has a magical talk horse as well that stumbles when there is trouble. So Koshchei asks it what's going on? and the horse replies with one of my favorite lines in a story (partially because it is totally unnecessary and partially because it is ridiculous):

"It is possible to sow wheat, to wait 'til it grows up, to reap it and thresh it, to grind it to flour, to make five pies of it, to eat those pies, and then to start in pursuit - and even then to be in time."

So obviously, Koshchei catchs them. He tells Ivan that because he gave him water, he will spare him this time. He will even spare him the second time. However, if he attempts to rescue his wife a third time Koshchei will personally chop him into itty-bitty pieces.

Un-dettered by this threat. Ivan obviously rescues his wife again. The horse once again says something ridiculously impossible that they could do and still catch them and Koshchei once again says he will forgive Ivan. However, next time he will cut him up.

And again Ivan rescues Marya, so Koshchei chops him into little bits. Not only does he chop him into little bits though, Koshchei puts those bits into a barrel, covers the barrel with pitch and iron hoops and drops it in the middle of the ocean.

Now, as soon as that barrel falls into the ocean, the items Ivan left with his brothers-in-law turn black. Obviously this is a bad thing and the brothers-in-law set off to rescue their slightly derpy brother-in-law, Ivan.

The rest of the story can be found at http://www.horrormasters.com/Text/a3085.pdf

There you have it, my top 5 favorite fairy tales of all time. Expect more fairy tales sometime in the future, as I am a huge lover of fairy tales and fantasy. Nothing like a story where a little girl has her hands chopped off by her own father (which is apparently a parable about incest).

This is for the Insane Birds

Here are ten ways to know that you are insane:

1. You use your boyfriend's penis as a microphone, while singing to a really weepy break up song.

2. You suggest taking lung into your air, rather than air into your lungs.

3. You laugh like an idiot for a few minutes before realizing that you don't even remember why you were laughing.

4. You get so trashed that you don't even care when you fall down and your "friends" roll you down the parking lot.

5. You pick out random Robert Frost poetic references during a song that is played incessantly at work.

6. You get excited when a video game character references a Harrison Ford movie.

7. You actually contemplate making up a Facebook page for a video game character so you can be friends.

8. Your boyfriend catches you rocking out to "The Safety Dance"... in your underwear.

9. You get so upset when your skinned hound dies in "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" that you not only cry, but you refuse to play the game for a week or so.

10. For some absurd reason you actually believe in Mermaids and Unicorns and/or you have celebrated Zombie Appreciation Month.

Well, I think there was no doubt before this post, but I'm pretty sure I'm insane. Partially because I come up with lists that prove that I'm insane. Also, its fun to rock out to "The Safety Dance" in your underwear, until you get caught. Then its just awkward. O.O

And suddenly, I don't know why, but I have the line "This shit is bananas, B A NA NA S!" by Gwen Stefani...

I thought Love was a Myth

Okay so this is crazy because I am going to post randomly. I'm not posting any pictures or recipes or videos or news. Just Sarai. You need a pure dose of Sarai every now then when it isn't intertwined with news, pictures, recipes or videos to stay alive. Bet you didn't know that.

So I am completely insane. You probably figured that out by now. And I have nothing interesting to relate, because I am ENTIRELY TOO BORED with the internet and the world right now.

I dream about seeing the Eiffel Tower in the Autumn. Starry red and gold leaves cascading to the ground and the scent of a café. I want to stand underneath it while it rains and watching the people running for safety.

I think about our world, how it is deteriorating and all the wildlife that is slowly disappearing into the oblivion of legend. It isn't fair.

I hate how people disregard history, how they forget and ignore it. I hate how we just let historical sites fall into disrepair and then it has to be demolished.

I have fallen in love with a dying man, as we are all dying of the human condition. I am dying, you are dying. The world is ending. But I don't think it will end in 2012, just so you know.

I believe in mermaids and unicorns and ghosts. I believe in the stars as they dance above me, I wish they could hear me.

Do the ones we love look down on us after they are gone? Are we re-incarnated or do we just fade out, like a candle at the end of its wick? I hope I am re-incarnated as a flower. An unobtrusive and beautiful flower like a tiny calla lily hidden by stones near a quiet stream. Doesn't that sound perfect?

I want to see the ocean under a violent sky.

I love it when it snows, but I wish it was warmer. I miss the flowers, like the sun misses them in winter. Beauty is cold, you know? It is you know.

I love giraffes. I have an affinity for strange and awkward animals. Like porcupines and platypi and narwhals and giraffes and penguins. Admittedly, who doesn't love a cute little penguin?

Well I'm getting ready to head out of here. Have to go eat with my friend. So I hope you have enjoyed just me. I am going to write more eventually about more interesting things than what I have been rambling about here.

Sarai

Mommy, I want a Mermaid!

A quote for the day.
"Thy kiss is comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake." Troilus and Cressida by Shakespeare

So, let's start with the news.

Female reporters in foreign countries don't feel like women. They feel like a "third sex". Confusing? A little, but quite understandable none the less
http://www.cbc.ca/arts/media/story/2010/03/11/female-reporters-cbc.html

In Thailand there are people who believe that tattoos give you super powers. If they are the right tattoo that is.
http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/03/11/thailand.tattoos/index.html

This is hilarious, try it out! http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html

A Senior girl's Senior prom was canceled because she is a Lesbian and wanted to go with her girlfriend wearing a tux. Lawsuit pending.
http://m.clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100311/NEWS/100311012/-1/WAP&template=wapart
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_lesbian_prom_date

A man breaks into a church to watch Porn. Don't believe me?
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/WaterCooler/wireStory?id=10066362

A baby elephant dies during 9 days of traumatic labor, but a live baby elephant is born. Zombie maybe?
http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=10070163

A young woman gets suspended from school for NOT taking drugs. Yep, the world just got turned upside down.
http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2010/03/another_dumbass_school_officia.php

And a Piano teacher is being charged with having Child Porn. He was already a sex offender.
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/local/piano-teacher-faces-child-porn-charges-031010

And now a song. Today's song has nothing to do with my quote or the title of the blog, but I thought that the title was funny. ^^ Anyway, I am slightly addicted to this song right now, don't know why.