Memere

Oh Memere,
I'm such a failure. I can't seem to do anything right. I feel like you wouldn't like me at all. Or maybe you would think I was wonderful. I don't know. I just know that I only miss you when I'm breathing. I think about you all the time. I should have moved on by now, right? You've been gone for so long I can't remember what you sound like. All I have left are videos and pictures. Videos that I can't watch because I don't have a VCR.

I feel like I've done absolutely nothing that I should've by now. I just wish you were here. I wish Pepere was here. I wish I knew where Dad was. I wish, I wish, I wish.

I am so selfish, Memere. Because I think you should've lived. You should've been there for my wedding, you should've been there when I got my GED. You should've been there when I was in my car wreck. You should be here now. It's unfair.

I think the worst thing is that I don't remember that much about you. All that I "remember" is from videos, a few phone calls and a letter you wrote Mom. I don't remember what you smelled like, or your voice. I feel as though I have no independent memories. And I don't know if that is because I never had independent memories of you or because of my car accident. So much has been lost over the years. So many memories that we'll never have together.

Auntie says you and Pepere are only a heartbeat away. How is it that you are so close and yet so very far away?

I used to talk to you, after you died. Not literally, but just talking to the air and pretending you were there. I wish you were, so I could tell you about all the things I've learned or about my wedding. Tell you about my job and our new apartment. Plan a trip to see you for Christmas. I wish we could do all those things. And we can't.

Would you have asked me what you asked mom? "Do you feel so very young, dear?" I would say no, because this constant missing you has aged me. I've aged a million years in the time you've been gone. You've been gone far too long.

Would you love me now, Memere? Would you be proud of what I've accomplished? I'm afraid you wouldn't. And in the meantime I'm still missing you like my entire world has ended.

All of Her: Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

"You what?" He asks, a quizzical look on his face.

"I still love you." I say, simply. I shrug, as if to say I don't get it either.

"I thought you hated me." He says, his voice somewhat mocking and full of unrepentance.

"Of course I hate you. And I love you. I wish you were dead and I wish you were inside of me. I wish we had never met, but I wish you were still mine. I'll probably always love you, David. We were together for a long time. We were in love for a long time, or so I thought. I may never stop being mixed up when it comes to you. Part of me loathes this confusion and part of me wishes it would go on forever because it is a connection to you. All this doesn't matter though."

"Why is that?" He looks tired. Is he exhausted by his sins? Or is he just tired of having to put up with my rambling? I've lost all sense of who and what I am during this time of rebellious destruction. Will it matter if I say what needs to be said? I am suddenly full of doubts. I've done all this for nothing. He'll never understand me and I'll never understand him.

"I have to let you go." I say, all of my body slowly caving in, much like a flan left in a cupboard. I have no strength left, no more bravado. I am just a broken-hearted girl, full of unfulfilled hopes and deferred dreams. I feel like a raisin forgotten in the withering gaze of the sun.

For a moment he doesn't say anything. He just stares at me. He sucks in a deep breath and let's it puff out into the night air.

"What happens now?" he asks.

"I let you go and begin to repair my life. What's left that I haven't destroyed, that is."

"Just like that?" he asks, puzzled.

"I need a change of scenery." I say, throwing my arms out wide as if to grasp the sky. "I need time, but I am determined to let your memory fade to the point of death."

"That's morbid." he says.

"I don't know how else to say it," I cry. "I can't let you continue to exist inside of me, no matter how much I want you to. You have to be let go and for that I need the memories of you to die."

He stares at me, but I can't stand it. I have to get out of here.

"You hurt me, David, surely you can see that? Most of it I've let you do. I let you walk away without a fight, believing I was doing the right thing by you and my best friend. I let you be my entire world when I wasn't even in yours. I let you destroy me. I used you as an excuse to destroy myself. I can't do that anymore. I can't continue to love you, I can't continue to punish myself pretending I am hurting you. I haven't hurt you at all, except for maybe your nose.

"I gave you my virginity. I gave you some of the best and worst years of my life. I can't take them back from you. I can't take anything back. And there are so many things I wish I could. If I could I would take back that moment when I let you in so far that I couldn't think about anything else. I would take back all those years I spent loving you, caring for you, being with you. I wish I could give those times back to myself, maybe share some of them with Alice. Maybe I'd have tried to stop you from hurting her the way you hurt me. Maybe I'd just let her have all that time, because she clearly loves you."

"Why let her have that time?" He interrupts, confusion clouding his features. Or maybe it is the tears in my eyes that are clouding things.

"I would give it to Alice because she loves you. Because I would give anything to still be her friend, the friend that I used to know. I wish I could take those years she spent trying to ignore her feelings and give them back to her. You don't deserve her, David. You never did. You didn't deserve me either. But that isn't the point, is it? I'm just rambling now."

"Something you have always done." he points out.

"I hate you." I say. No venom, no anger. A simple statement. It is the simplicity of it that makes him stop short and look at me. Possibly looking at me for the first time. I feel the phantom of our first time making love. I feel the phantoms of him proposing, of our life together. I feel them all and I let them go, drifting under the bridge and out to open water, like candles on the water. I don't try to hold onto them. I don't try to erase them. I let them come and I let them go.

"I hated you." I say. "I can't let hating you destroy me any longer. I loved you and I am going to learn to let you go. I should've let you go long ago. The past can't be undone, but I'm not going to let you control my future. I have to let you go."

"Why bring me here? Why tell me all of this then?" He is getting angry, like a vengeful spirit fighting against the tide of banishment.

"Because you had to hear it. Because I thought it would make it easier for myself. Because I have to purge myself, I guess. You're like a drug and I'm trying to go to rehab. You're like a ghost and I'm exorcising you. I'm done, darling. And as part of my treatment, my closure, you had to hear it." I approach him, he backs up cautiously.

"Goodbye." I say, standing on my tip toes to kiss him, softly, on the mouth. I begin to walk away and he doesn't try to stop me. He doesn't try to follow me either, something I am thankful for. It's time to let him go and it is time to move on.

I don't know how long I walk, but I find myself back at my car by the book store. I lean against the car and stare at the sky for a few minutes. I no longer feel chilled. I no longer feel like I have to destroy myself. I feel a little lighter. I call Clark and ask him to come fly kites with me. I call Noah to come as well and we all congregate on the beach.

While the kites drift lazily above us, I tell Clark and Noah everything. The plans I had made, the things I have done. I leave nothing out. I conclude with David and I on the bridge. Breathless and teary, I look up at my friends and wonder what they think of me now. I used Clark and I have ignored Noah. To my surprise, and happiness, they both hug me at the same time.

"Buck up, little camper." Noah says. "The worst is over. And now that you recognize that you can't keep doing this we can begin to change it."

"We'll always be here to help you." says Clark, kissing my forehead.

We watch the sunrise over the beach, our kites waving like happy children to greet the dawn.

"I'm moving," I say, after a few quiet moments.

"Where?" asks Noah.

"Not far," I say. "just to the next town. I am hoping to try and get my job with the accounting firm back. And I need to change the scene if I'm ever going to move to the next chapter of my life."

"Are you sure you aren't just trying to run away from this whole situation?" Clark asks, gently.

"No, I'm done running. I just can't keep doing what I've been doing and I can't stay stuck in this same rut. I have to move forward and, to do that, I need to move out of here. It's too hard to stay. I'll be running into David and Alice all the time. I'll be running into old lovers all the time."

"Some of your old lovers still love you." Clark says, softly. I know deep down he still wants me, but I can't. I love him as my friend, but not as a lover or husband.

"I know," I say, cautiously. "but it isn't fair to them to have to see me all the time either. I need a change. This is the best way to do it."

Noah, having been quiet most of the conversation, stares at a kite and sighs.

"I suppose," he says. "you'll have to do what you think is best. All we can do is be supportive. I just hope you know what you're doing."

We sit silently on the beach for a time before Clark and Noah eventually head home, leaving me sitting as the sun comes up. I can't help but feel like this is symbolic of my new beginning.

I salute the new born sun before packing up my kite and going home to get some sleep. Today is my new day.

Gotye Kick...

I am SO in love with Gotye! And I have been a massive kick recently, just listening to his awesomeness over and over. I just discovered this one and I love the video and the song itself. Such awesome stuff!