What Sarah Said

Perhaps it is because I am morbid, perhaps it is because I have been unable to do this, perhaps it is because it is the truth. For whatever reason, I love this song by Death Cab for Cutie, though, in general I am not the biggest fan of theirs.

I agree with the sentiment that "Love is watching someone die." Don't we all watch those we love die? Little by little and day by day? We are all rotting inside of this all too fragile humanity that houses us. The only truest form of love is watching this and continuing to go on when the inevitable arrives. Yes?

Sometimes, when I listen to this song, I think about a few years ago. Before my mother's divorce, before Donnie, before my entire family fell apart. I think about an uncle I had. My uncle by marriage, but a man I had enjoyed spending time with when I saw him. He was in the hospital for the last time. His wife and his daughter were unable to get to the hospital that night and had called my mother to see if she would sit with him in his last hours.

I believed it would be interesting to experience death happening, rather than just seeing its aftermath. Morbid curiousity, I suppose. I went along, on the pretext that my mother not be alone. I don't remember how long we sat with him. When my ex-step-father showed up for a little bit, he offered to take me home. It was late. I remember thinking, "I'm not brave enough to watch someone die." I couldn't stand to stay, even though I wanted to. I knew then, that it would be a regret I carried for the rest of my life, but I could not stay to watch him transform from a human being with a soul to a corpse waiting for a coffin.

I think of this while I listen to this song and I wonder if, because I couldn't stay and I couldn't watch, he (wherever he may be) thinks that I didn't love him because I couldn't stay. If love is truly watching someone die, I have failed. I failed him in that way. Don't we always fail those we love, in the end anyway?

For those of you who are curious, "il m'aime" means "He loves me."