Its 1:50 am. I'm sitting up, crying. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing, because I've been holding it for so long. I am trying to do it quietly, I don't want to wake Donnie up.
I keep listening to "Angels On the Moon" by Thriving Ivory, hoping it will make me feel better. I can't stop listening to it. I can't stop thinking about everything I'm doing wrong and feeling like if I don't run now I'm never going to escape. And maybe I'm just running away from my problems. Maybe I'm fucking everything up.
I want to drive, but I have no where to go. I have no money, even if I found a place to go. And I couldn't get Donnie to wake up to go with me. I wouldn't try.
I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm the Titanic and I'm dragging everyone near me down. I'm ruining my own life. Even while I try to save it.
Maybe I just need to give up now. If I have no expectations for the future I won't be disappointed when I fail. It won't even be an actual failure. It will be more like an ending to one of many beginnings. And that's really all we are. Beginnings and ends.
"Don't tell me if I'm dying. 'Cause I don't want to know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me, 'cause I'm dreaming of Angels on the moon. Where everyone you know never leaves too soon."
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