Lackadaisical

I'm sorry that I've been rather lackadaisical with my posting of late. Things have been a little bit crazy on my end.

I'll skip my usual Easter/Zombie Jesus Day rant and tell you all that I am feeling like today is a new beginning, in the most Pagan of ways.

Fertility is all around us, the awakening of the earth to a new life, the everlasting cycle of Birth, Life, Death. I have to admit that I love this time of year because it just goes to show how cyclical our lives truly are.

All for now, Happy Spring to you all.

Aussie Pride

Also Jesus didn't say that... It was quoted from the Old Testament (Genesis 2:24; written by Moses) in the New Testament (Ephesians 5:31; written by Paul). Jesus, quite literally, said nothing against Homosexuality. If you are a pastor, mayhaps you should actually know what you are quoting?

Never Ceasing.

Human stupidity and arrogance never ceases to amaze (and annoy) me.

We are all human. Therefore, when we say "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal..." shouldn't that mean EVERYONE? Since, "all men" is the equivalent of "mankind" which means EVERYONE.

Am I the only one who thinks that makes sense? Am I the only one who thinks about how we escaped from England because there was no separation of church and state? How often Religion blinds us, because we never follow it the way it is supposed to be followed?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when Jesus said to "love thy neighbor as thyself" he was talking about killing people for being different and denying them the right to marry and denying them food and healthcare. I'm sorry, I missed that part of that verse.

I must've misinterpreted the portions where Jesus spoke of feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. And treating "the least of these." I thought Jesus fed people, with no payment. I thought Jesus healed people, without payment.

I thought God was supposed to be loving. Did I miss something? Are we living in an Old Testament scenario? God in the Old Testament; Jealous, cruel, homophobic, racist (Racism is funny coming from God, because God is the one who created us...), etc. Do we really want to worship someone who orders small children and women to be enslaved or murdered?

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be offensive, but it irritates me.

And I keep hearing Simon and Garfunkel in my head singing about Freedom Riders, and thinking about Civil Rights and how we just keep killing because we don't know how to love and we don't know how to accept.

I keep hearing my marriage vows and wondering why some are denied the right while others abuse it.

A Choice

I've stopped wearing the hijab. I won't attempt to "try out" any other religions. At least not in the near future. It isn't so much the giving up, as it is the emotional upheaval that bothers me.

I want so desperately to believe in something, but I don't. And wanting to believe in something and actually believing in something aren't the same thing. In the end it felt like a lie. A desperate attempt on my part to be something more than I am. Maybe I was never meant to be a religious person. Maybe I was never meant to defend or protect or change anything. Maybe I was just meant to be me.

I was torn. Torn between my defiance in the face of adversity and my heartbreak in discovering that I couldn't put my faith in something I can't see. Not again. Even though I fiercely defended it with everything I had in me. I would still defend it. I will defend any religion (except Scientology, but that is because it is not a "real" religion), to the death if necessary. I will defend anyone who wishes to practice those religions. I have a great appreciation for them. A deep love for the thoughts and the practices and the motions. I just can't do them myself.

I may still wear the hijab in private. Just between myself and whatever god or goddess may exist out there. Maybe the all exist. Sekhmet, Jesus, Krishna, Allah, Athena, etc. Maybe they all exist and that is why the world is so insane. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

I have learned a lot, which is what I originally stepped out of my shell to do. I force myself into the open to learn, to take it all in. To force a change in myself that I feel needs to happen. And I have walked away with a thought.

I never knew prejudice before now.

Oh, I understood it. On a level that most people do. It was abhorrent and wrong. But it is different when you step over the line and see what it is like to be on the side actually living with it. Living under it.

I lost track of how many times someone asked "Where are you from?" and they didn't mean what state. I had people refuse to let me wait on them. I had people call me all sorts of names. My life was threatened at one point. It was that that made me want to continue, even when I knew I had lost the heart of it. I didn't want to give up and let them win. Let them be the reason I was giving up. I haven't given up, though. It wasn't them. It was my inability to continue lying to myself. I have accomplished part of what I set out to do. I saw what it was like.

Shams (a Muslim friend who moved to the states from Bangladesh) told me once that I couldn't understand what he went through. And I will never fully understand what he goes through, because his experiences will be different from mine, but I have had a taste.

I've rambled now. It's the migraine that keeps coming back. I just keep circling the same thoughts over and over.

Bisexual Bias

The following is my response to an article written by a student at Indiana University. You can read the article for yourself at:
http://www.idsnews.com/news/story.aspx?id=90666

Dear Sir,
In regards to your article "Bisexual bias" in the IDS, I would like to say a few things.

"I’ve had a saying for a few years now. Bisexuals are like unicorns. You really want them to exist. But they just don’t."
1. Comparing a bisexual person to unicorns is mostly, if not entirely, ridiculous.
There are many cases in which unicorns can have existed, thus leading one to believe that you are saying bisexual homo sapiens do, in fact, exist.

Examples: If we were to go completely old school Biblical on the matter, if you are one who believes in the Bible, you would find there are several verses involving the unicorn. This might lead one to believe that you were saying that bisexuals at one time existed, but don't any longer. For your in-depth research (which I am sure you did for your article) verses involving unicorns can be found in the KJV Bible, said verses being: Numbers 23:22, Job 39:9, Psalms 29:6, Job 39:10, Numbers 24:8 and Psalms 92:10.

Or, if you don't believe in the Bible, we can look at the Narwhal, oft considered the Unicorn of the Sea or any other animal with one horn.
    *The word "unicorn" stems from early 13th century Old French "unicorne" and from Late Latin "unicornus" meaning, quite literally, "having one horn." Uni- meaning "one" plus cornus meaning "horn." If we go with this, that means that anything having one horn is considered a unicorn, making them quite real in the etymological sense of the word.

I'm sure, however, that you meant them in the purely fairy tale sense of the word, being a horse with a lion's tail, a single horn protruding from its head and a billy goat's beard (or, if you prefer, Pliny's version: a creature with a horse's body, deer's head, elephant's feet, lion's tail, and one black horn two cubits long projecting from its forehead). Or maybe you meant it in the allegorical sense, which was used as a tool by the Christians to teach morals. Such morals being that a Unicorn can only be tamed by a virgin (virgin in almost any sense of that word), the Unicorn being Christ in certain tales. And dire consequences for those who pretended to be virgin as they were skewered on the horn of the beast. That doesn't seem to fit quite as neatly as your original simile, but if we're talking of backwards philosophies it seems to fit quite nicely.

"It’s very difficult in our society to believe in something as free-spirited as bisexuality."
2. It also seems very difficult, in our society, to believe in Love and Marriage being uninhibited by things such as age, sexual preferences, gender, race, religion, etc. Love is apparently tethered to concrete ideas and laws. "Free-spirited" makes it sound as though it is a childish thing. Sexuality isn't an idea that we follow, like the Flower Power movement. Sexuality is not Hippies in the summer of '69. It is a deep and personal thing, grounded in one's sense of self. It is something we all find inside of ourselves. It is longing to be with another person in the most intimate way, sharing bodies and things that no one wants to talk about because they are "shameful."  And that longing is not restrained by your narrow view of the world.

"it’s threatening. For heterosexuals and homosexuals, we have to contend with only being attracted to half of the population. Those odds aren’t terrific. For someone who’s bisexual, the world is their genital oyster. It’s actually a very picturesque image. Men, women, who cares? I’m attracted to everyone."
3. I don't understand this part at all. You say it is threatening, bisexuality that is, but don't explain how it is threatening. How does bisexuality threaten your sexuality in any way? Truly, I'm curious. Explain to me, without Biblical or personal biases, how Bisexuality is threatening in any way, shape or form. You then say that the world is a "genital oyster." That is, not only, a vile pictorial image, but also shows just how little you understand about sexuality in general.

Yes, sexuality does, often involve, genitalia. However, there is so much more to sexuality than just sex. Sexuality is a strong basic instinct, a need, a desire, an attraction. It involves emotions and physical sensations. It can be impacted by the atmosphere one grows up in. It will never leave you. It is a key part of one's identity.

You make it sound almost as if sex meant nothing except, simply, getting one's rocks off. As if a bisexual is a selfish or greedy being for being attracted to more than one sex. Bisexuality is an attraction to either gender, that is true. But often the attraction is deeper than sexual. One can be attracted to anyone; beyond their gender, religion, sexual preferences, age, race, cultural background, etc. And what one finds sexually attractive doesn't even have to be human. There are those who are sexually attracted a person's mind or even inanimate objects. Wherever humans are involved there is no strict definition for sexuality. No strict definition for anything. We are more than the limits placed on us by other, simpler, creatures.

You say that "Those odds aren't terrific" when speaking of being "only" attracted to half of the population. Being attracted to only a man or only a woman isn't terrible. The odds are fine. In fact, when did odds even enter the picture? You make it sound like a race. As if we are all in a race with one another to see who is more attracted to who. It isn't a race. It isn't a game. There are no "odds." There are only people. People who love and hate, create and destroy, write good articles and shitty ones.

"Now, I am not bisexual."
4. Clearly.

"I also can’t assert assurance on things like Bigfoot, John F. Kennedy’s assassination or the contention of Jesus’ divinity."
5. I cannot say, with certainty that Bigfoot does or does not exist. JFK was, in fact, assassinated, though by whom is still up for debate. And whilst Jesus did exist, I cannot say with certainty that he was divine. However, I also can't say with certainty when we will die. I can't say that Coca Cola is the superior of all carbonated beverages. Nothing in this life is particularly certain. Truth is defined by who is looking at it, not by what it actually is.

"The real issue has to do with the male psyche and sexuality."
6. Yes, yes it does. At last, something we agree on! It DOES have to do with the Male psyche and sexuality. Men are generally insecure about their sexuality, no matter their preferences. Everything about sex makes one insecure. The length and width of his organ, whether he is doing well, how quickly he can reach orgasm, etc. Men are generally quite insecure with anything having to do with their own emotions and their being as well. I have yet to meet a man who is completely secure with being emotionally honest. Does that mean that he doesn't exist somewhere? Does that mean I am going to have to start writing wildly inaccurate articles on male emotions?

"The same notion just doesn’t extend to heterosexual women. You’d be hard pressed to find a straight woman finding the same sexual stimulation from watching two men go at it."
7. You, sir, clearly have never met a woman willing to talk about being aroused by two men "going at it" as you so delicately put it. I myself enjoy watching two men fornicate, kiss, etc. I find it arousing when a man kisses another man. The funny thing is that you would be "hard pressed" to find a straight woman who is NOT aroused by two men having sexual intercourse. There are numerous articles you can find about straight female arousal whilst watching male on male pornography, but I'm assuming you didn't actually try to find any. Your whole article suggests a lack of study on the topic at hand.

To quote a poster on one of the response brought up by my searches: "What I find hilarious, is that so many straight men assume that women don't find it erotic, just because THEY [men] don't."

"But after years of men grind stoning women’s sexuality to the fine powder it is today, why should anyone be the wiser? Two women going at it? Crack a beer and enjoy. Two men going at it? Ultimate party foul. It’s typically pretty hard to party once the gay bomb drops."
8. I don't understand that first sentence at all. "But after years of men grind stoning women's sexuality to the fine powder it is today," what does that even mean? Did you even edit this before posting it to such a public forum? And what do you mean by "grind stoning women's sexuality"?

Two women are having sex with one another and this is suddenly a party? Do men do that? They all get together and watch lesbian porn whilst drinking beer? Someone puts in a gay porno and then all bets are off? "Gay bomb?" Truly, your word choice is ridiculously childish.

"I can’t begin to believe in bisexuality in a society where men’s sexuality isn’t nearly as fluid as women’s."
9. The problem with men's sexuality being fluid has nothing to do with whether or not bisexuality exists, but lies (once again) with the male psyche. Men seem to have this preconceived notion that it is unacceptable for them to be bisexual. Out of all the homosexual and heterosexual men I have met it comes down to this idea that they have to choose. That there is no "this" and "that." It is all "this" OR "that." It astounds me, actually, the number of men who find some other men attractive, but won't do anything with that attraction because they also find women attractive. That is definitely a problem with today's society, you are correct on that part. Society says it is totally wrong to think or exist outside of the sexuality box it has created for us.

"Recently in Hollywood, loads of successful women have come out as bisexual."
10. Hollywood is DEFINITELY a good place to look for reality and facts. Plenty of people will say whatever it takes to become famous or to have the spotlight shine a bit brighter on them. That doesn't make it fact.

"But the future may be bright. Frank Ocean is one example of a successful man who’s admitted to having a relationship with a man."
11. I find it sad that the final breath of your article is a sarcastic, and pithy, "Men in the limelight aren't bisexual so no one can be bisexual."

I am a bisexual woman. I am proud of my sexuality and who I am as a person. I have a loving husband and a wonderful girlfriend. I can't imagine going through my life without either of them. There is more to my being attracted to them than their gender. More to my love for them than their genitalia. Its people like yourself, that raise the banners of prejudice and bias against what you don't understand and don't bother to understand.

sincerely,
Sarai.

Let the Christmas Rants begin

I am so sick of people who try to force "Merry Christmas" down my throat.

I don't celebrate "Christmas," never really have. I have always believed that "Christmas" was a pagan holiday (partially because I do my research) dressed up as a "Christian" holy day to convert more pagans to Christianity during the early days of our history.

Newsflash, Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. In fact, we'll never know exactly when Jesus was born. Since Israel has roughly the same climate as the state of Indiana (in the USA), I'm going to say it definitely was NOT December, as no shepherd in his right mind is going to be out in the middle of winter with sheep that could freeze to death (or starve as there would be nothing for them to graze on) thus depriving him of his flock.

It offends me when people try to force me to say something I don't believe in. I'm not going to tell you Merry Christmas if I don't believe in it or feel like it. Please respect that wish. Also, think about what you are doing when you try to force your beliefs down other people's throats. Are you really being Christ-like?

I am all for people being Christians or Muslims or Jews or Hindus or Buddhists. But we need to learn that there is a difference between being an example and being a jerk. You can be a good *insert religious preference here* and not badger people about converting.

*End Rant*

Burned

You burned the bridge. You stood there holding the torch.
How dare you blame this on me?
You love me still. You love me.
But you stood there, smiling, as the wood crackled with rose flame.

How dare you try to pin this on me?
You were my father, my friend. You were even a lover, of sorts.
You make me so sick. I want to throw up. I want to scream.
You burned the bridge, but I should be the one to re-build it.

You told me God is a gentleman. God loves everyone.
But you tried to teach me to hate.
You tried to cut me to fit the circles you had planned.
You loved me, but you tried to beat the depression out.

You loved us, but you starved us. Starved us for food,
love, attention. You forced your God down my throat.
You said that God loves me. You told me you were proud of me.
You are such a liar. And you burned everything down.

You abandoned us.
You abused us.
Your love was a rip-off, a ploy and a trap.
You made me wish I was dead.

I tried so many times to cut out the feelings,
vomit up the self-disgust because of what I felt, still feel.
And I hate having to identify myself by your last name,
because you tried to erase my real identity.

No one knows me by my true name.
No one knows me by any other mark than yours.
I am nothing.
I am just as much yours now as I ever was, because I can't escape.

You burned a bridge and I am left grasping the ashes,
trying to make sense of what you've done.
God is a gentleman. God knows everything.
God loves everyone. God loves me. You are so proud.

If God is a gentleman, I wish he would leave me alone.
If God knows everything, I wish He had used that power.
If God loves everyone, why can't He love them as they are?
If God loves me, why can't He love me as I am?

I gave you the matches. I didn't know who I was.
I can't stay in the cage you built around me.
I simply am.
And you burned the bridge, so I have to let you go.

A Few Verses to Ponder

Some of you may be wondering why I am about to post "verses to ponder" and what that means. Do I mean song verses? Bible verses? Or did I misspell "versus" and I'm about to blog about him versus her type stuff?

I mean Bible verses. I've had it up to here with people who claim to know the Bible and don't. I'm tired of people picking and choosing which verses they should follow because they are willfully blind to others. So, here are my arguments for my views, as "proven" by the holy scriptures.

"Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you." - Hebrews 13:17

This is to mean that no matter what we are to OBEY those above us. That means presidents, spiritual leaders, anyone who is in charge over us.

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;" - Matthew 5:44

We are to love each other. No matter what they have done to us. And they are to do the same, no matter what we have done to them. It is one of the hardest things we are told to do as Christians.

"Whoever hates his brother is a murderer: and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." - I John 3:15

Hate is not what Jesus wants us to do. I say Jesus, because God hates everyone in the Old Testament. Don't believe me? Go ahead, go read it for yourself. You will be surprised.

"If anyone says, I love God, but hates the brothers or sisters, he is a liar...Whoever loves God must also love the brothers and sisters." - I John 3:20, 21

You CANNOT say that you hate someone and Love God. It doesn't work that way, as we are charged to love one another as we love ourselves.

"These things I command you, that ye love one another." - John 15:17

See! What did I just say about loving one another?

"There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" - James 4:12

We are not to judge someone for their actions. We are to examine our own actions before even beginning to look at someone else's. Examine the log in your own eye before bitching about the speck in your brother's.

"Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king." - 1 Peter 2:17

Honouring someone is showing respect. We are to respect ALL men. Not those we like or those we know. We are to show respect and love to ALL. Oh and that last part? We are to show respect to those in authority. AKA: The president, the pastor, the teacher, etc.

"Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well." - 1 Peter 2:13-14

We are to submit to the laws. We are to obey those in authority. You know what that means? Not going out of your way to curse a president or anyone else just because you don't agree with them. They are who God has allowed to be in authority and you are to SUBMIT.

I hate fighting with people, but I am tired of people being two-faced. If you are a Christian, you are to follow the WORD OF GOD. And last I checked, those were the words of God.

Oh also, here are a few words from the Qur'an. Don't they seem familiar?

"O mankind! Allah created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other (not that you despise each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)." (The Nobel Qur'an 49:13)

“If thou dost stretch thy hand against me, to slay me, it is not for me to stretch my hand against thee to slay thee: for I do fear God, the cherisher of the worlds. (The Noble Qur'an, 5:28)"

"when the angels said, "O Mary, indeed Allah gives you good tidings of a word from Him, whose name will be the Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary - distinguished in this world and the Hereafter and among those brought near" 'Āli `Imrān 3:45

The Christianity/Islam Dichotomy.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today. A co-worker I admire, I might add. Our conversation involved religion. Always a testy conversation to have, even with close friends and family members.

But today I saw the beauty of someone who actually follows their religion and embraces others of differing faiths. As well as this astounding revelation:

Islam and Christianity are the same religion.
Well, two of sides of the same coin, anyway. The differences are few, actually. Having read the Qur'an and the Bible, I can assure you that the differences are few. Both have violence. Both have verses implying that women are not equal to men. Both have love and patience and rules. Both encourage the following of the One True God.

God is Allah. Allah is God. I even had a Muslim (said co-worker) tell me that Christians are believers, because they follow the one true God. They just have a different prophet of God. I had a friend in high school who was Muslim and she said the same thing to me once.

Jesus is a prophet of God. A servant and great man. I remember how I was stunned by her belief that Jesus and Mohammed were both great prophets of God/Allah.

"Christians," she said, were to be respected. "They came from Abraham's other son Isaac. We come from Ishmael." We are all children of Abraham. All children of God. All sons and daughters of Allah. The Bible is also a holy book, one to be respected and treated as the Qur'an. They are to be held to one's heart, never one's side. Never to touch the floor or to be set in a place below one's waist.

So when the ignorant tell me that Islam restrains women, forces them to be subservient, I point out verses from the Bible where they do the same thing. When they talk of bombings and ji-had, I point out the Christians bombing abortion clinics. I point out all the times we have murdered and butchered in the name of God. Every religion has their radicals (excepting Buddhism, but that is because its is based on peace and acceptance).

I would also like to point out that I have never been disrespected by a Muslim man. In fact, I have only ever been treated with respect and kindness, where as I've been called a whore and practically spat upon by a Christian man. That the Muslim women I've met are proud to wear the burqa, the naqib, the hijab, etc. They truly believe in their religion and being modest, keeping themselves pure and set apart for Allah and their husband. Which is what we, as Christians, are supposed to be doing. Do we do this? Nope.

Of course, as you will in any situation, there are rebellious people. People who lose their faith and change their minds. People who no longer fit into the mold of the religion they "belong" to. Does this apply to every religion? YES!

Are there Muslims who will disagree with everything I just said? Absolutely.

Are there Christians who will disagree with everything I just said? I would be disappointed if they didn't.

To quote myself (from a post on my facebook):
"We preach Islam as being intolerant, but really we need to take a look in the mirror. When a Muslim man tells me that, as a Christian, I am a follower of the one true God and I am to be blessed, I know that everyone else is just being intolerant."

And in my mind, that is all there is to be said.

Story of My Life

I am currently trying to write a story about a girl who has lost her mind, basically.

I have no idea what to call it yet. I haven't even thought of a name for her. I have a couple characters though and a few songs. And a few ideas. So we are going to go with it.

The premise of this story is that this girl, who is yet to be named, can't have the guy she is in love with. I have yet to decide who that is, but I'm leaning towards a guy named Elijah. Because of this she decides that she is already miserable so why try to be happy?

One day she randomly hooks up with this guy named Eric. And she realizes that she is going to go on a sexual rampage. She is going to date/have sex with a bunch of guys and then assign songs to them as "break-up" songs. To supposedly torture herself with later.

Two characters don't want her to do this. One being Noah, her best gay guy friend. The other being a stranger that she tries to hook up with, unsuccessfully, who I have yet to name.

I think this will be an interesting dive into the belief that a lot of young women have that sex equals love, when it clearly doesn't. Women have been fooling themselves with this belief for centuries and probably will continue for centuries to come.

At any rate, I don't know if it is just me, but sometimes I listen to a song and I wish that I had experienced something so that I could relate to that song. Or have a horrifically bad break-up so I could be reminded why I'll never do that again. I think that is just me.

When I have some semblance of a beginning to this story I'll post it.

Anywho, for a song I've decided to post "Jesus" by Gackt, because it has absolutely nothing to do with what I was saying and I love it. So yes, cheers to my egocentric self (oops, wrong song).

Occurrence

It occurs to me that to be great, one must practice greatness.

It occurs to me that to be good, one must practice goodness.

It occurs to me that to be evil, one needs to only let the evil in.

I don't know what that means, but it occurred to me that meaning can be found in anything and anybody. Different meanings for different people.

Am I being metaphorical? Or just talking out my ass? That depends on who you are. It depends on what you believe and how you feel.

I see a friend's rapid transformation from Buddhism to Christianity as being brainwashed. Others view this as a beautiful transition from the life of a blatant sinner to that of pureness through Jesus Christ.

I see a flower and wish to keep it forever. Others see it and know that it will die shortly.

I don't think I'm being metaphorical. I think I'm talking out my ass here. Because I feel like writing something, because I one day wish to attain goodness, if not greatness.

Dancing in My Chair

Sometimes, at random moments, I will passionately miss the 90's. As in the decade, the 1990's. Seriously, I don't know why. The 90's had some horrible fashion trends and some less than good music, but it was my childhood and I embrace that.

Its at these moments that I go back to the music I listened to, or discovered in the 90's. Or I watch some clips from my favorite shows. Or I sit and just dance in my chair to the music I loved (when I could listen to it that is, a certain man [who shall remain nameless] forbade the listening of certain music that wasn't Christian). I listen to 90's pop, Christian music, Michael Jackson, Celine Dion and Whitney Houston. I think about Doug, the Rugrats, All That, Wishbone, Are You Afraid of the Dark and Cousin Skeeter. I read excerpts from "Saddle Club", "The Boxcar Children" and "Goosebumps" (which I didn't read until I was in my late teens).

And sometimes, because I'm rediscovering my childhood, I discover new music and I fall in love with a decade when everything seemed so much more simple! At least to me. Do you remember when Britney was at the top of her game? Songs like "Lucky" and "Oops I did it Again"? Or "Big Butts"? We were the Nintendo players, the Mariah Carey lovers, the believers of Aliens and Y2K. We wore high tops and had crew cut hair. We were insane and believed in so much, hoped for so much.

I miss those times. I really do. I don't know why, because the 90's had its downsides too. Like any decade. Like any day. Like any life. But the 90's was my childhood. When I went swimming with my Aunt Carmen all summer. Or cleaned house with my Aunt Peggy, who would let me spend the night and watch Mork & Mindy in between homeschooling lessons.

I miss getting cappuccino for the first time and discovering how delicious it was. I miss running through the woods and pretending it was Narnia. I miss discovering "The Yellow Submarine" with my brother and all the movies my mom introduced us to. I miss falling asleep to Simon & Garfunkel at night and dancing with Hannah to Loggins & Messina. The 90's was my playground, my perfect time. My biggest worries were the boys I was crushing on and Y2K (which everyone was afraid of).

For New Year's Chris and I would stay up until midnight watching "Much Ado About Nothing" and "Henry V" with our family friend, Ivan, while eating pizza and teasing Ivan when he would cover his eyes during the bloody parts. We went to the Egyptian exhibit at the Children's Museum and rode our bikes up and down the gravel roads.

My mother taught me to read, inspired me to write, inspired a love of literature and writing, of exploring everything. She taught me that every moment is a learning moment.

I played with Hannah, my baby sister. She looked like Shirley Temple at 2. I took her outside and chased her all over the yard. At night she would kick me out of bed, even though she was 2 and I was 10. As a baby, I would feed her cheerios in her bouncy seat and sing her Simon & Garfunkel songs as lullabies. I would read books about Sacajawea and Sesame Street. She was my first experience with a baby (when I would've been old enough to understand it). And, in a way, she was my baby. I protected her, I dressed her up, I changed her diapers and fed her. I played dolls with her. And I failed her in many ways. And, in many ways, she is still my baby, even though she is 15 now.

Chris and I would race our bikes, try stupid stunts (like tying Chris to the back of my bike to help him run faster and "lose weight") and chopping wood. We chopped a lot of wood, fed and watered a lot of dogs. I forced him to play Barbie dolls with me and he drove me up a wall. We dressed up, we fought, we forgave each other and he is one of my best friends to this day.

I met my best friend, Sarah W., a friendship that has lasted us 13 years this year. We used to talk on the phone for hours and hours. We watched "Pocahontas" over the phone, because we didn't get to hang out in real life as often as we wished. We played Gordon Lightfoot as loud as possible and scream-sang along. We picked berries and ate them all, while sitting in a field of green and white. We played Legos and made up stories. We ran wild, wrote notes in our own secret language during church. She helped me fall in love with snakes. I helped her fall in love with Star Wars.

I believed in Jesus with all my heart. Believed there was some reason for all the pain, for all hard times. For all the deaths and the lies. The 1990's were beautiful to me, even though I had a step-father who abused my brother and my mother almost died on our bathroom floor. Even though I was sexually abused. Even though my grandparents died. Even though it was the last time I saw my father in person. The last I spoke to him on the phone. The last letter I received. I believed that a good and just God was going to make it all right. That He was polishing me like how a gem is polished with stones.

I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to deliver babies in China, stop the abortions from happening. Protect the innocent. I wanted to be an actress and star in the movies I had seen. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a civil rights activist. I wanted to be free. Dream my dreams, live my life. I wanted to be married and have 16 children that I would home-school. I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to be loved.

Do any of those childhood dreams still hold sway? Can they still exist now that I'm older, wiser, and I know all that I know?

For your viewing pleasure, a song from the 1990's that I used to dance to, alone in my room.

That's right, "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. And yes, I am that dorky.

The Randomness

My Questions are as follows (along with my answers):
1. Where do you stand on the proverbial political fence?
Somewhere to the East?

2. What kinds of drinks do you like when you are hot and sweaty?
Anything soda-y.

3. If purple were a number what would it be?
2,382.

4. Your karma ran over my dogma, response?
There goes my good karma...

5. If a yellow train is traveling at twenty-five miles per hour on a blue track what color is the engineer's underwear?
He isn't wearing any.

6. Who invented Swiss Cheese?
The emperor of Japan.

7. If you could do anything in the world, without the limits of time, money, etc. what would it be?
Read every book on my list, lose weight, become that famous movie star I wanted to be and kiss the hell out of Gackt and Wentworth Miller!

8. Roses are white, violets are?
Burgundy.

9. What is your favorite book?
Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite

10. If you could live to be 101 1/2 what would you like to say on your death bed?
Damn, I am old!

It seems to me that the most common answer for #5 was green. I'm not quite sure how people came up with Green, but they did. *shrug*

Donnie's Answers
1. I can't stand on a proverb.

2. Semen in a can.

3. Purple.

4. Bitch had it comin'?

5. Yes.

6. Sir Swiss.

7. Um, fondle every pair of breasts on earth.

8. Probably violet.

9. No H's Picture Book of Wood.

10. I told you I was sick.

Fawn's Answers
1. On top of Trent on top of the pole. (Trent: We call it the pole position!)

2. Donnie's Semen in a can. (Fawn: Chai, dammit, Chai!)

3. Sexy. (Sarai: You know, you people don't understand the concept of numbers. Just sayin'.)

4. (Trent barks) Yeah, what he said.

5. Its the color Kurosawa. (Trent: Brown. From SHIT!)

6. Jesus invented it. (Sarai: Jesus invented Swiss Cheese?)

7. I'd grow three new arms and three new legs to go with the two I've got. (Trent: Because if you had three more of each you might have two that worked?)

8. Sex deprived? (No comment)

9. That book by Christian Humber... (Donnie: Oh yeah, I should've said "Christian Humber Reloaded"!)

10. Damn, my diaper is full. (Sarai: Oh my...)

Trent's answers
1) On a post, because the fence is too narrow.

2) The kind of drink that quenches thirst. (Sarai: Smart ass...)

3) Orange

4) It was in the road and needed killin'.

5) Vodka

6) The Pope

7) Give every woman huge boobs. Think Aegis.

8) Still Blue.

9) The Twilight Saga with a twist of lemony goodness.

10) Huge boobies were a great idea.

Envy's answers
1. Can I break down the fence instead? That sounds more fun.
2. Sodas. Or just something sweet and tastes marvelous.
3. Uhm... 5?
4. The dogma deserved it. Get outta my street.
5. Red, of course. Rail Tracer, anyone?
6. I don't know, but they rock.
7. Jack a plane, go to Germany, and attend a rave under the stars with my best friend.
8. Overrated. Get other flowers instead.
9. Brave Story, by Miyuki Miyabe. Best Japanese-to-English novel ever.
10. "Famous last words? No, thank you. Let me die in silence."

Phil's answers
1. Definetely lean left
2. A coke is nice, maybe some water, Iced Tea?
3. 140
4. I got you my pretty and your damned dogma too!! (Thank you Wizard of Oz!)
5. Chartreuse
6. The Swiss (duh)
7. Head Meterologist at the National Hurricane Center
8. Cerulean
9. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
10. Why did you little bastards let me live this long!!!

LED's answers
1. I am solidly so far left I am almost right. Woo circular fence!

2. Water. PERIOD.

3. Purple would be the number 5.

4. Then that means I will be reincarnated as a rich politically awesome man in my next life.

5. Green.

6. Not the Swiss. T'was the French.

7. Travel around the world in twenty times in forty years. Oh and fly to the Moon and Io.

8. Purple. And yellow. Duh.

9. Wicked was pretty good. But when it comes to adolescent-geared violence and necromancy, it's got to be Sabriel by Garth Nix. Oh and my favorite mindless fighting/D&D/fantasy book series is the Legacy of Drizzt.

10. I wish I had not lived to this age. I am alone and now I die alone. May those after me die with less regrets and may they live in an age when they did not have to watch the world die.

Callibre's Answers
1. Who stands on a fence?
2. Hmmm ice water
3. it would equal the sum of red and blue
4. The stigma was driving (I like that answer best!)
5. lime green
6. weight concious mice
7. Travel to every single country and meet the amazing people I know :P
8. not right
9. The Sea of Silverlight
10. I knew I should have had better answers when answering 10 questions on DA.

Pomegranate's answers
1. I don't think I can stand on fence very well. Hello, I loose balance just by walking!! So why would I stand on fence regardless if you say it is proverbial!! ♥♥ (Love you momma)
2. I like water.
3. Most likely a negative number I mean come on, purple has a sad life, their is no purple Power Ranger but their was a purple teletubie!! Seriously!! The color has a sad life!!
4. Tough shit~ ♥♥
5. Pink. No reason, I just love Pink!!
6. Most likely someone Holy.
7. See what I could do~ Cause I has no idea, I use to think I knew what I would do but now the more I think about it the less I know what I would do with all the limits of time and money.
8. PURPLE yet again the color has a sad life.
9. To Kill A Mockingbird!! ♥♥ Best book ever!!
10. Most likely something to the fact that I still outlived some bitches~ ♥♥

Amber's answers
1. I will be honest, I have no clue what proverbial political fence means.... but I am a conservative if that is what you are asking. lol
2. water
3. purple would be number 3
4. sorry
5. green
6. some guy in Italy?
7. I would live the rest of my life in the mountains surrounded by trees and wildlife
8. black
9.Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
10. thank you and goodnite

Hellas' answers
1. My balance isn’t that good, I prefer to move around.
2. Coffee does it for me every time.
3. 1
4. My karma is a bitch and thinks you should keep your dogma on a leash
5. Green…of course
6. The same people hat invented the Swiss?
7. Pleasure every small breasted redhead and brunette I saw :P…hey you asked for it.
8. Not always blue
9. The Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
10. I’m not quite dead yet, honestly I feel fine…no I don’t want to go on the dead wagon

Judes' answers
1. Where do you stand on the proverbial political fence?
-I don't stand ANYWHERE near it!!!

2. What kinds of drinks do you like when you are hot and sweaty?
-Ice cold water with a squeeze of lemon or lime.

3. If purple were a number what would it be?
-It's number would be 7, for the order it appears in the rainbow.

4. Your karma ran over my dogma, response?
-Sorry darling, lemme make it up to you.

5. If a yellow train is traveling at twenty-five miles per hour on a blue track what color is the engineer's underwear?
-Well, if the Engineer is as close to his train as he should be, then his man panties should be GREEN, because yellow and blue make green, and trains and and speed make time.

6. Who invented Swiss Cheese?
-Some really awesome Swiss guy. I'm gonna go with Leif Holestag.

7. If you could do anything in the world, without the limits of time, money, etc. what would it be?
-Make sweet love endlessly until I ceased to breathe.

8. Roses are white, violets are?
-Blue. They're always blue, in fact, I don't have any idea as to why they call them 'VIOLETS' when clearly, they're NOT violet in shade!

9. What is your favorite book?
-Okay, if you couldn't think about this a second, and had to ask me this, then you clearly do NOT know me! ;) (Sarai: It's Gone with the Wind, ladies and gents)

10. If you could live to be 101 1/2 what would you like to say on your death bed?
-"What the hell am I doing on my death-bed?! I've got another 101½ years to live!!!"

Eric's answers
1. No comment.

2. Gatorade.

3. 29

4. Why was it in my karma's way in the first place?

5. Depends- green seems to be obvious, but I'd say red to keep a primary colors trend going here.

6. The Swiss.

7. Go to L.A. and win an Oscar.

8. Technically, they're blue.

9. The Catcher in the Rye.

10. It's been fun.

Terri's answers
1. A democrat who knows how to think for herself and questions stupid things that politiians say, like anything Michelle Bachman and Fairly Failin' says (note: had to put it that way due to copyright she has on her stupid name!). (Sarai: How can she have a copyright on her name?! How do you do that?)

2. Sweet tea with Lemon, or a cold coke..

3. 2

4. I would be devastated...crying and so sorry...

5. He's wearing underwear?

6. The Swiss Guard

7. Peace and Quiet and time with my husband

8. Purple, don't know why they say blue...they are NOT blue, they are purple, it is so confusing, I can't stand it.

9.The one I am reading right now, at any given time...

10. it was a good run...sorry it had to end so soon...

Jennifer's answers
‎1. I jump off of it. And generally ignore the silly thing all together.
2. Ice cold water. Maybe one of those mountain flavored Powerades.
3. 8
4. ॐ
5. Infinity.
6. God.
7. Everything. The answer would be too broad I think.
8. Fuzzy.
9. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.
10. I. Am. A. Badass.

Willie's answers
1. neither, 'cause the poltitcal game is shit
2. Mt dew
3. #1 cause it is that
4. I'm better cause I'm awesome
5. green
6. its not the swiss
7. just be me
8. black
9. The calling of Cthulu
10. respawn in 10....9....8...7...

The Day the Earth was Supposed to End

Yesterday the world was supposed to end. Jesus was supposed to come back and rapture a bunch of the faithful home. After that who knows? Zombie Apocolaypse? All I know is that it didn't happen.

Some guy predicted this because of supposed events in tandem with the Bible's description of said events, numerology and the belief that he could figure it out all on his own, even though the Bible says,

* Matthew chapter 24, verse 36:
"But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only."

* Matthew chapter 24, verse 42:
"Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come."

* 1st Thessalonians chapter 5, verse 2:
"For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night."

For years, generations before us have believed that the world was about to come to an end. Every generation has been outlived by the world they claimed would end. Why would this be anything different? And why would Jesus (and Paul) say "of that day and hour knoweth no man" only to be proved a liar by some random guy on the news? God is perfect, according to the Bible, so how can he lie? Lying is a sin, as listed in the 10 commandmants, and God is perfect and without sin.

Therefore, anyone claiming to know the day and the hour is obviously lying, because the Bible says that God cannot lie, because he is perfect and He already said that no man may know the day or time!

Anyway, this kind of thing really bugs me. People claiming to be Christians and claiming to know the scriptures make complete fools of themselves and everyone that believes them. When I was a Christian that made me mad because I felt like it made all of us look bad. Not going to lie, but it still makes Christians look bad, even though I'm not one now.

How is it that at 22 years old, not having been a "Christian" for a few years now, I still know more than some 80-something year old man who claims he knows when the rapture is supposed to happen? How does that make any sense?

To anyone who actually believed this all I have to say is, as my, very wise, Aunt Peggy said to me:
"Time all fools were dead, don't you feel sick?"

Judas

I haven't really been liking some of Lady Gaga's newest music. I am definitely not a fan of "Born this Way" and I didn't really like "Judas" the first time I heard it, but I'm a sucker for her videos so I decided to give the new "Judas" video a chance. I actually kind of liked it. Well, some of it. As per usual, a good portion of it didn't make sense.

Judas is an interesting character in the Bible, being the ultimate betrayer of Christ. After his betrayal the Bible says that he killed himself. There is a lot of symbolism in the video related to Christ's relationship to Judas, including the kiss of doom. Christ is the hot leader of a motorcycle gang in the video, with a golden crown of thorn appropriately placed on his head. I am leaning towards Gaga being Mary Magdalene mostly due to her actions through out the video. Her continous following of Jesus, the foot washing scene, so forth.

A couple other reasons would be the lyrics themselves. She refers to herself as a fame hooker, prostitute wench. Though Gaga, like many others, is under the false impression that Mary was a prostitute, even though there is no actual biblical evidence of this. She also mentions washing his feet with her hair, which is something Mary did.

Though, she is referring to Judas. Not Jesus. Mary of Magdalene did all of this for Jesus Christ. Not Judas. All in all, it is quite an interesting video full of symbolism realted to the biblical tales surrounding Jesus and Judas. If you are interested I would suggest Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. In the meantime, while you are searching for that Bible you never use, give a listen to "Judas" by Lady Gaga.

Random Thoughts (When I Should be Sleeping!)

Who doesn't love it when Satan and Jesus have a dance off?

I'm thinking Starbucks.

The newest video from BIGBANG is so HOT! Of course, I'm not sure what the hell is going on with G-Dragon's outfits... they are kind of Weird O.o

I am pretty sure that my soul can be described in Cello. ^_^

My bucket list is too fanciful, but what can you do?

I should've gone to bed two hours ago.

"And I know its wrong, and I know its right..." Apocalyptica feat. Doug Robb.

Who knew I could kind of miss Twitter when it doesn't work properly?

I am really enjoying "Les Liaisons Dangereuses" by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, I just wish I had more time to read it.

420 is tomorrow.

The last bit of my Subway soda tasted like the cup. Ick.

Josh Groban is going to guest host Live with Regis and Kelly on the 22nd. I have to work that day. Is it worth it to get up early and watch it?

I am pretty sure I've lost my ever-loving mind.

"And God, are you even there?" Ferras.

Dear Customers, is it really that hard to put an item back where you found it? Really? And if you aren't going to put it back in the right place could you at least make the effort to put it somewhere that it might belong? I know I'd appreciate it!

Also, Dear Customers, how hard is it to pick something up that you dropped on the floor? Believe it or not I don't get paid enough to put up with all your bullshit. Just sayin'.

"I should warn her that you'll never do her right. All your games, all your lies, I need to tell her, maybe I can change her mind." Fefe Dobson.

It is REALLY awkward when you run into someone that you know is having an affair with someone you just recently met and they are with their wife and two kids... I just kept wanting to tell his wife. Only I didn't know her from Eve and that might be weird.

I was SO drunk on Friday night that when I fell to the ground (trying to pick up a quarter) L.E.D and Kid rolled me down the parking lot instead of helping me up. That was kind of fun. Also, Electric Lemonade rocks. Especially if you chug it. Through a straw. >.>

I think Kati Wolf (the lady who sang "What about my Dreams" that I posted) sounds and looks a lot like a blond Celine Dion. Just sayin'.

I hate it when something tells me that I have qualified for a whole bunch of money (a Wal-Mart gift card) and then tells me to get it I have to sign up for stuff that I can't afford!! So aggravating and really depressing, because we could use a $1,000 gift card to Wal-Mart. We would be set for groceries and I could get some new clothes. I hate internet scams.

"Take my soul, take my heart back." BIGBANG.

So many wishes, too little time...

I really do want Starbucks.

"Can't take me, I'm free." Bryan McAdams.

I'm really depressed because I am worried about what we are going to do if Donnie doesn't get a job soon. We don't have a lot of money, my job is so financially unsteady right now and we need food, new clothes, a car, etc. When I was little I dreamt of growing up, being my own woman doing my own thing. Being an adult was all I wanted to be. I was already mature, I already had a bunch of adult responsibilities. But now all I think about is what an idiot I was for ever wishing this on myself.

I have a new friend, Z, at work. He is adorable. Love, love, love this kid. Great sense of humor, wonderful attitude and such a sweet laugh!

Why do I care?

I dreamt the other night that my father, who is in prison somewhere, had a Facebook and I found him on there. It was weird, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't have access to the internet.

If Shakespeare had a Twitter, I would follow him. Does nobody wish Shakespeare had a Twitter besides me?

And does anyone think it weird that the Dalai Lama has a Twitter?! Really?!

When the Zombie apocalypse arrives I think I'm going to serve the Brain pudding and the Electric lemonades after the surrender of Mankind. That seems reasonable. I wonder what kind of brain pudding the Zombie ambassador would like?

Ooo, I'm going to post a neat picture of myself now!


"I'm a talkin' red hamster, I'm a talkin'... VAGINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" as sung by Kid. We laughed until we cried, we cried until we laughed and I may have actually rolled on the floor laughing. Just sayin'.

World Religion

I was thinking yesterday that I really wanted to try different world religions, just because I think it would be interesting and I feel like I would learn a lot.

I thought I might start off with Catholicism, because it is closest to what I already know, having been a Non-Denominational/Protestant Christian for a long time. I also thought it might be interesting to try to follow the various rules of that religion for a year. I could write blogs about my year as a Catholic, or my year as a Muslim, or my year as a Buddhist. Doesn't that sound interesting?

Of course it is all an effort to learn more about religion in general and to find out more about myself. For example, what do I believe? What do I disbelieve? All in the name of learning and exploration.

Even though I think I would like to follow one religion for a year, I think that might be too difficult to do, depending on the strictness of the religion. For example, if I was to decide to be Muslim (or Hindi) for a year, I would want to follow the strict dress code, as well as the dietary rules and so on.

I'd have to really prepare for those changes and not go into this half-cocked. Shooting from the hip just sounds like a bad idea when it comes to religion.

I think the only "religion" I couldn't do would be Scientology. I apologize to any Scientologists who may stumble across this blog, but I just can't believe in aliens or L. Ron Hubbard, for that matter. Just not something I think I could do for a year. A week, maybe, before I laughed myself to death.

All for now, I'm going to ponder this a little more and see what happens!

Circle the Drain

Music
I love this song, it is so poignant and beautifully done. Katy Perry does such an amazing job conveying the anger and sadness that are key to this type of song. However, the video is a little weird, because she doesn't have an official video and I had to make due with what YouTube has to offer.



News
Haunted Mattress, cue "Nightmare on Elm Street" music.
http://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/8825676.BALLOT__My_haunted_mattress_keeps_me_up_all_night/

A man who had committed suicide in his car was not discovered until recently due to heavy amounts of snow.
http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2011/02/01/2011-02-01_car_buried_in_snow_for_week_hid_suicide.html

A Virgin Mary statue may or may not be crying in a book shop in Ohio. Jesus in tears as well.
http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/entertainment/weird_news/visitors-to-reading-shop-say-virgin-mary-statue-is-crying1296564961621

and...

A 21 year old model is being prosecuted for brutally murdering a man almost 3 times his age. Also, horrible penile mutilation.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/02/01/20110201new-york-hotel-castration-case.html

Do YOU know where your Children are?

Sarai says:
*Jesus

DaYog says:
*yes?

Sarai says:
*I have a question
*Do you know where your children are?

DaYog says:
*In my pants.

Sarai says:
*Why are they in your pants?

DaYog says:
*OK, actually they are in my scrotum.
*Feel better now?

Sarai says:
*Not particularly

DaYog says:
*See, there are some questions you just shouldn't ask.

Naked Nun for the Win.

Fawny says:
**giggle snort*

Sarai says:
*You sent me a naked girl with titties clamps. O.O
*Who are you and what have you done with Fawn?

Fawny says:
*A NUN, with titties and pierced nipples hanging from a cross.

Sarai says:
*I know this
*I am in shock

Fawny says:
*Papacy porn at it's finest. ^__^

Sarai says:
*She does have some nice tits. lol

Fawny says:
*Indeed.

Sarai says:
*This is an awkward conversation

Fawny says:
*No Sarai, this is a BLOG conversation.