Random Tweets

These are random tweets from my Twitter (@wicked_roses). I hope you enjoy my zaniness.

April 2011
"I finally got a Twitter. Is it normal to feel like I just sold my soul to the Devil? Because that is totally what it feels like right now."

 "A vampire's kiss to resurrect her, a wicked kiss to seduce her. Lost in the tapestry of love and lust, a dagger soaked in blood."

"I want Starbucks. And not to have to go to work... just sayin'."

"Dreamt that I was listening to music by the Beatles with Ringo Starr. I think that is going on my bucket list."

"I am going to be lost in a Korean music kick... Don't send the search dogs, I'll be fine!"

"The Vampire watermelon pushed against the poor girl, kissing all the way up her neck until it had reached the apex of her anatomy."

"The line "Esc-a-pay. That's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'." is not funny in Spanish."

"Dreamt about Russell Brand texting me about a story I wrote. Weird."

"Yay Easter dinner means Cheese Pizza and cookies when you are on your own! ^^ I don't like Ham anyway. Happy Zombie Jesus Day!"

"Piglet doesn't get any love. Just sayin'."

"Actually got my fucking Starbucks today. Damn them and there high prices. Cocoa Cappuccino is good!"

May 2011
"Oh. My. God. Gackt is not only a God, but he is most definitely THE SEX. *just died*"

"'Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.' - Mark Twain"

"Jeez louise! "Friday" by Rebecca Black is a shitty song... She sounds like a monotone pekingese trapped in an electro basket. Eek."

"'I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.'"

"All ends are beginnings. Welcome to your beginning graduates of 2011. So proud of you."

"Fenris, why must you give me so much trouble?! I know you have the whole brooding hot elf thing going, but you are making this love harder!"

"Why does the first part of 'Judas' always make me think of Vampires? I don't understand!"

"I seem to have misplaced my name, can I borrow yours?"

"So the world didn't end yesterday. Can't say I'm surprised. Who else saw that not happening?"

"Fenris, why can't I get you to love me?"

June 2011
"Groucho Marx is a god."

"Had a dream about young Michael Jackson, Archie Bunker and a wonderful play. Unfortunately Archie Bunker ruined everything. Stupid Man."

July 2011
"I TOTALLY JUST GOT A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!! XD"

August 2011
"Drunks breaking into your vehicle at 12 something at night is NOT fun. I repeat NOT FUN!"

September 2011
"Guess who got married? This girl right here!! So happy to finally be married to my wonderful Husband!"

November 2011
"Is it bad that I feel like a rock star in my new white jeans?"

"I wish I was a red-head again. I felt so pretty."

"The dog peed on my brand new white jeans. Other than that had a lot of fun. Happy Turkey Day to everyone!! I hope you have fun."

December 2011
"The Dutch speak 4 languages and smoke marijuana. - @eddieizzard makes me giggle. Every time."

"It is amazing what a shower does for your mood, your outlook on life and, not least, your personal hygiene. I feel much better. I'm hungry."

"I want to be better than I am. I want to be brilliant. I want to be perfect. But perfect never really comes does it?"

"@zachbraff That's almost like cheating really. I mean, who is going to purposefully go for frankincense? Gold sells better, just sayin'."

"It should be illegal to have to work at 3:00am the day after Christmas. Just sayin'."

January 2012
"Great start to the New Year: Migraine headache, crashing the van, breaking my favorite cup. What next? Alligators in top hats?"

"I am out of cheerios. This is a crisis of astronomic proportions. :("

"Milk duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies."

"Thinking about flying a kite at night with a glow stick attached."

"Randian Philosophy states that Man is heroic, with his own happiness as his moral purpose and reason his only absolute."

March 2012
"#iusedtothink but then I remembered that I'm a woman and I belong in the kitchen."

"Want to blog, eat some yogurt... Do something worth tweeting about?"

April 2012
"Going to go see Titanic in 3D!!"

September 2012
"Tweet. Tweet tweet tweet, tweet tweet."

December 2012
"My hijab brings all the boys to the yard..."

February 2013
"The whole while playing the game of truth and falsehood, waiting on this tightrope, only to stumble and drown because of my heart."

"Maybe its me, but could we consider the possibility that it could be you?"

"I'm not saying that I want to be mean, I just want to be the kind of girl Matchbox 20 sings about."

March 2013
"@WilliamShatner how many Chuck Norrises could Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris could Chuck Norrises?"

April 2013
"The stars made us and we are composed of the dust of stars."
July 2013
"Well, at least I can recognize 사랑 when I see it."

August 2013
"I am here; in a physical, metaphysical, astronomical, way. Distribute me into particles and watch me explode."

November 2013
"All I want for Christmas is a slow-dance with Morgan Freeman. #christmaswishlist"

December 2013
"Hell, I make it up as I go anyway."

"What does it take to be the other half of a soul?"

"The ocean always spoke to her in ways no human voice could. It spoke to the parts of her that descended from mermaids and myth."

"Your songs are left unfinished, your coffee left un-drunk."

Racism: A Universal Language.

It has been said that Love is a universal language. A smile can be understood in any tongue. But racism is also universal. Discrimination and hatred can be understood no matter what language you speak or where you are from. The saddest thing is that even in today's "advanced society" (I use the terms "advanced" and "society" loosely [as society is defined as an organized group of persons associated together for religious, benevolent, cultural, scientific, political, patriotic, or other purposes. And advanced is defined as ahead or far or further along in progress, complexity, knowledge, skill, etc.]) there is racial dissension and hatred, solely for being different.

Despite my naivete, I have been fully aware of the hatred that so called "society" can engender in others against someone who is different. I was always a different child. I was overweight and I read a lot of books. I have always been told that I was very intelligent, intelligence can be frightening to someone who doesn't appreciate the need for education. And of course this all stems from some form of fear. Which is saddening.

When I was a child, I didn't hate things I was scared of. I was afraid of it. Often this made me want to learn more about it. When I was afraid of vampires, I researched them and discovered all the wonderful mythology Stephanie Meyer could've found if she had bothered to research for "Twilight." But that is neither here nor there. I'm afraid of spiders, but I don't hate them. Well, I might say I hate them, but I actually don't. I am just scared of them and don't want them crawling on me. I don't want any bugs crawling on me.

I'm afraid of dying, but that doesn't mean I hate death. I try to understand it. Why do we all die? Things like that.

My point is this, racism, like love, can be understood no matter who you are. And it is LEARNED. No one is born with hate. No one is born with love either. We learn these things. We learn to hate, to love, to react. And if we are still teaching our children to hate then this universal language remains vibrant and prevalent. An unfortunate disease of an "enlightened" society.

A perfect example of this universal language is the following video. This young woman was, in fact, white. But she was French. And different from the other Aussies on the bus. It's sad that just singing in French could trigger this violent attack against her. But it isn't unheard of.

Roulette

I
"It's a game." he said. "You'll love it."

"What kind of game?" she asked, eager to be accepted by this new boyfriend. She knew he didn't mean Monopoly. She knew that she should be wary. He was different, dangerously so.

His slightly pointed teeth glimmered in the light of a naked bulb. They were slightly pointed like a vampire's. He always wore colored contacts, she had never seen his real eyes. Tonight he was wearing a gory shade of red. They glinted in an evil, almost demonic, way as he produced a gun. His dangerous beauty and the silver etched pistol both frightened and aroused her.

"Have you ever played Russian Roulette?" he purred. Looking into his eyes it was easy to believe he was a demon, a modern Mephistopheles, come to seduce and murder her.

"Isn't that illegal?" she whispered, her voice quivering and her stomach turning to jelly.

"Of course. All the best things are." he said. "But for your first time we won't play with a real bullet."

He opened the chamber and slid the bullet into place. He spun it before snapping it closed. The snapping echoed in the heavy silence. She shivered, not sure if she should trust him. What if it was a real bullet? What if he had the chamber rigged? He smiled again, revealing his shiny white teeth, and she imagined him laughing over her still body.

He took a few steps back, his wicked grin never leaving his face. She smiled nervously as he put the muzzle to his temple. She braced for an impact that she wouldn't feel. His smile never wavered, turning manic as he positioned himself. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Just a click. He laughed at the terror on her face, cajoling her with his eyes.

"Not afraid, are you, love?"

She straightened, stiffly, telling herself it was just a game and she wasn't a coward. But her stomach twisted and her bowels cramped as he handed her the gun.

"Cock it back like this," he said, showing her what to do. "when you are ready, pull the trigger. You can close your eyes if that'll help."

It was a little heavier than she had expected and she could feel her muscles bunch and strain to keep her hand from shaking.

"Don't be afraid." he said, nibbling on her earlobe. She tried to swallow, but her throat had closed. She felt her heart beat triple in speed. It pounded in her ears so that she could barely hear. He guided the muzzle to her temple, caressing her as he positioned her. He kissed her, a slow kiss that made her frantic. He pulled away before she could get a full grip on his leather jacket and positioned himself across from her.

Under the dimming bulb, she imagined that the bullet was real, that this would be the end of her. The end of everything. She gulped for air, feeling like her heart would burst through her chest. This was the moment. She would prove she was brave. She just had to make it through this test. That was all it was, a test.

"Pull the trigger, darling." he cooed, gently. She closed her eyes, bracing for an impact of some sort, and squeezed. The hammer clicked, but nothing happened. Her legs felt like water suddenly released from a dam and she collapsed with a rush of adrenaline and relief.

He was beside her in a moment, lifting her back up.

"It's quite the rush isn't it?" he asked, prying the gun from her stiff fingers.

"Yes. A real... rush." she murmured weakly.

"Let's play a variation," he said, his smile eerily painted across his face. "instead of holding the gun to your own head, aim it at me."

"Variation?" she gulped.

"Of course." he said. "All games have variations. Even this one. When I tell you to, pull the trigger. And this round we'll have a real bullet."

He opened the chamber, slipped out the false bullet and replaced it with a real one. He spun it, as before, and snapped it into the chamber. He smiled as he handed it to her.

He positioned himself about three feet away and winked at her.

"Pull the trigger."

II
The rush of a bullet wasn't enough. The rush of sex and death were no longer drug enough. She played Russian Roulette alone in the darkness of her apartment in front of a mirror. She sat in the darkness, every click like a shot of heroin into her blood. Sometimes she would masturbate, watching her reflection achieve orgasm to the click of the hammer.

It hadn't taken long for that boyfriend to end up dead from their little "game" and the police didn't need much convincing. All it took was a pretty young woman in a blood spattered white dress. She cried, genuinely, for that dangerously handsome idiot. Not because she loved him, but because she would have to find a new partner to play with.

She hadn't even waited for his body to cool before she seduced one of the officers at the scene. She begged him to point his loaded Centerfire Compact at her head during and she climaxed remembering her previous boyfriend's final words.

It hadn't taken long to become addicted to the rush. The heady mix of life and death, intertwined with lust and sex, was enough to pull her in and keep her. It hadn't taken long to discover that she could no longer enjoy life without a click inside her head.

It hadn't taken long for the clicks to no longer be enough. She couldn't sit in her room alone forever, waiting to lose to herself. She needed the rush with someone else. Another body to hit the floor. Another blood spattered dress.

She found him outside of a club.

"Want to play a game?" she asked, looking up through her lashes, luridly.

"What kind of game?" he asked, already succumbing to the 'come fuck me' look in her eyes.

And she showed him. She taught him how to play. She taught him how to die. He didn't like the variation she had been taught, too vanilla for that. They played the traditional way and she didn't even blink an eye when the bullet zipped through his temple and out the other side of his skull.

She had been very lucky so far. Every night she would kiss the bullet, placing it in the gun that had originally belonged to that dead boyfriend.

For her luck she praised Bes. She would plead with Shai that this next day she would continue to breathe. She called out to the Norns that they continue to weave her fate with that of luck. She praised Gefion for continuing to shine on her. She laughed when she blessed the name of Fortuna and cried when she asked the Moirai not to cut her threads. Luck and fate became her religion, the click of the hammer representing favors from the gods and every sexual encounter an addictive gift.

The latest pawn in this game kissed her breathless before he taught her another variation. He filled the chamber with four bullets. She kissed each one before he placed them. She agreed to sleep with him if they both survived the game.

That first time, with that first game, they had practically torn each other's clothes off; the need to feel alive overwhelming any other sense. She had cried then, as he slid into her and kissed her into a frenzy. It was the best she had ever had and she had wondered, as he followed her lead, at what cost? Now she didn't even think.

The need to feel that chemical rush was an animal waiting to tear out of her body. There was no thought, no feeling except the adrenaline and the climax.

She survived that variation. Her teacher was kind enough to die quietly in the basement of an abandoned warehouse. She kissed his lips before taking the gun and disappearing into the darkness of the night. She always played with the same gun.

The next pawn was a young woman, about her age, so naive and innocent. She taught her everything and let her walk away. The game didn't always have to end immediately after beginning. Sometimes it continued through the loose connections made. That other woman was not as lucky, they found her dead a week or so later, another unlucky victim of the game.

It really all came down to that moment, she would tell herself. The moment when she stood before the mirror and watched her face; imagining it imploding on itself.

"Pull the trigger."

III
"It's a game." she said. "You'll love it."

"What kind of game?" he asked, intrigued by the strangeness of her.

Her lips were dark red in the dim light of the alley. They reminded him of a mouthful of blood and they turned him on. It was cold outside, snow hanging on the edges of the clouds. Just glistening gray, waiting to fall. Her look was full of lust, when she produced a silver etched pistol. Her eyes glittered in the light of the street lamps. Her eerie smile and the pistol, both, frightened and aroused him.

Her smile widened, revealing shiny white teeth, slightly pointed like a vampire's. Just one bullet was no longer enough. There were so many variations to explore, so many rushes to be had. This would be the last variation. There would be no coming back from this one. No greater rush than this, knowing that her life stood precariously on a hidden ledge. This would be the last round, all the chambers filled but one. The very last rush with someone's life about to end in the darkness.

"Have you ever played Russian Roulette?"

To Do or Not...

Okay, as some of you know, I am on Twitter (@wicked_roses). One of the people I follow on there is Gackt (no, duh!). It just so happens that he (he is a God, have I mentioned this?) has his e-mail up there... I may or may not have mentioned it in a blog convo I had with Fawny Fawn. Anyway, I really, REALLY, want to e-mail him. I don't know what the hell I'd say or do if he, heaven forbid, actually wrote me back. (The President did it, so maybe he would too?)

I just want to do it. Just for the sake of doing it. To say, "I e-mailed Gackt Camui. For shits and giggles."

He wouldn't have enough time to read my e-mail, I'm sure. And it would probably be read by someone who wasn't Gackt, anyway.

Of course, there is still the problem of what would I say?

"Hey, Gackt, You are amazing! And I'm a little in love with you... like at least half of the female population that knows of your existence."

"Hey, Gackt, I wrote a poem about you with references to various songs by you in it... Thought you might like to read it. Maybe."

"Hey, Gackt, I fucking loved your movie 'Moon Child' with Hyde. Would you consider making a sequel?"

"You want my second virginity?"

"You were the Japanese version of Tin Man in my J-Rock Wizard of Oz, you should read it. You may want to try it sometime. With Miyavi and Yoshiki. And maybe me... and Pomme of course..."

"I just want to meet you."

"I promise I'm not a creepy stalker!"

"Can I have a job as your maid? I could do your laundry, wash your dishes, vacuum, etc."

Oh my god, I'm fucking pitiful...

All of Her: Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

I am single for far longer than I should be. I just can't seem to get my head back into the game. I am a mess. I have finally come to the point where I can admit that. I am more of a mess than I thought I would be. I am falling apart at the seams. Especially after everything with Liam. I am too afraid to go to a bar where men might want me. And I can't seem to convince myself to seduce another woman.

I realize a terrifying truth, as I am sitting at my desk at work. At some point this spiral of self-destruction has stopped being about David and Alice. It has stopped being revenge against them for ruining my life. It has become all about the revenge I have taken on my body, on my soul. It has become nothing more than self-destruction for the sole purpose of destruction. I have grown so accustomed to the spiral I no longer hesitate. I have been using sex as a weapon against myself.

My own twisted version of cutting. Sex is the blade and with each slice, I make it sharper. There is no healing. No redemption. No coming back from this. In the end I deserve whatever happens.

Right?

Except there is a still small voice screaming at me. It screams out that I am wrong, that I've completely lost touch with who and what I am. I don't know how much longer I can ignore that inner voice. How much longer I can ignore the truth, is like a new test to me. A newer version of tearing myself down. I am discovering new ways of tearing myself apart. And this hatred for myself is becoming all consuming.

My boss comes up to my desk while I am deep in these thoughts. He clears his throat to gain my attention and motions me to his office. I follow, my stomach suddenly twisting into a vicious knot. He pulls out a chair for me and then seats himself behind his desk.

"Abra, you've been with us for quite some time, yes?" He asks, steepling his fingers.

"Yes, sir." I murmur.

"You were an intern for almost a year, right?" He asks. He waits for me to nod, before continuing.

"And you've been a paid employee for a few months now. In these few months, I've noticed you slowly slipping downward in your attendance, your performance, your attitude, et cetera. During your internship, you were the model employee. I had no complaints whatsoever. It was not a matter of 'if' you were hired, it was a matter of when."

"Sir," I begin, but he silences me with a gesture.

"I hate to do this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to clear your desk. Perhaps, in the future, when you have regained your drive, we can speak further on your employment with this company. In the meantime, I'm afraid I'm going to have to terminate your employment with us."

During his speech, I feel the tears welling up and spilling over.

"Please," I begin, again. He stands up, as if to dismiss me. I don't say anything else and silently go to my desk. I don't have much here. A family photo, a vase of fake flowers. I ask one of my co-workers for a blank CD and I copy all of my files from the computer to the disc. I don't even have enough to put in a box.

I give the vase and flowers to another girl who started off as an intern. She smiles, graciously, though she looks mildly confused. I put the photo in my purse, along with the disc. I don't say goodbye or even make a scene. I simply walk out. Away from the only job I've ever truly wanted, away from everything I went to school for.

I pass my car in a daze. I don't even stop to put my purse inside. It is pouring and I am quickly soaked. I don't care. I just walk. I don't ponder my mistakes or berate myself for being so stupid. I don't have anything to say to myself at this point. I just walk. I've brought it all on myself. My foolish endeavor to destroy myself has finally come full circle, if you think about it.

I finally stop. I don't know where I am and I am soaked to the bone. I wave down a taxi. It is still pouring and I have absolutely no clue where the hell I'm going. I've just been walking aimlessly for what feels like years. The cabby pulls up to the curb and waits for me to get in. Once I'm in, he hands me something in pink wrapping paper. I look at him for a minute before he motions for me to open it.

Inside is a fluffy pink beach towel. It is huge and warm. I am shocked into utter silence by this simple act of kindness.

"Do you always carry pretty pink towels wrapped in pink wrapping paper?" I ask, after a moment of patting myself to a dryer status.

"Sometimes. And sometimes it is a blue towel in the pink wrapping paper." He smiles and begins to drive. He hasn't asked where I want to go and I notice the meter isn't running just yet.

"Why do you carry towels?" I lean over the front seat and see six identical packages lying neatly wrapped on the floor of the front passenger side.

"For days when it is pouring and someone has forgotten an umbrella. They come in handy sometimes."

"Where are you taking me?" I ask, lowering myself back into my seat.

"I don't know. Where do you want to go?" He pulls up to a stop sign and looks back at me. He smiles. I can't help but smile back.

"Anywhere but here."

Without a word he starts driving again. He heads toward down town and just keeps driving. The rain continues to come down in torrential spurts and I think of the world being washed away like a chalk drawing on a sidewalk. I suppose life is kind of like a chalk drawing. Could I start over? Change things? Or am I really as far gone as I believe?

"What's your name?" asks the cab driver.

"Abra." I say, simply, still staring outside the windows at the rain. "You?"

"Aidan." he says. "Nice to meet you."

We are quiet for a little bit, the edges of the world blurring with my tears and the incessant rain. I should be trying to seduce this guy. It would be very easy. He can tell I've been crying. He can tell that I am very vulnerable right now. I just really don't have the heart for it, or so I think.

It is then that my stubborn side takes over, and I find myself flirting, in spite of my myriad of feelings.

"Would you like to take me somewhere with food and alcohol?" I ask, batting my lashes at his rear view mirror.

"I suppose I am due for a lunch break." He says, smiling at my mirror self. There is a small crack in his mirror, right at the top of my head. I pretend that it isn't symbolic, because it isn't, and continue.

"I know a great spot." I say. I give him directions and before I know it, we are inside eating. We order some fried calamari dumplings and baked sweet potatoes. He doesn't order any alcohol, for obvious reasons, but I order a raspberry vodka on ice. At first, we don't say anything, just eat our food. I recall another awkward date, somewhat like this one.

"How long have you driven a taxi?" I ask, sipping my drink and thanking God for it.

"About a year or so, now." he says, smiling. "What do you do?"

"I'm an accountant." I say, though I am flooded with an overwhelming feeling of loss as I say the words. I am still an accountant. I am just no longer an accountant for that company.

"Really?" he says. "That sounds interesting. Do you help people with their taxes and what not?"

"Sometimes. It depends on the person."

"I have some things that could stand some taxing." He says. He winks at me and takes another bite of his sweet potato. I blush and take another sip of my drink, but I don't say no. The more liquid courage the better, I suppose.

After we are done eating, I am surprised that he picks up the bill. He then ushers me back to his taxi and takes me down the street to a motel. I have a moment of panic, recalling Liam. This man is not Liam. However, it takes me several moments to remind myself of that. He doesn't try to take me inside. Instead, he gets out and comes to sit with me in the backseat. I must look nervous, because he speaks very softly and reassuringly. He is gentle as he inches his hand up and underneath my skirt. I try not to resist and just let myself melt into the sensations.

It doesn't work, but I don't stop him. We never actually go into the motel. When we are done, he drives me back to my office. Well, what used to be my office. I thank him for everything, give him a tip and get in my car. I wait for him to leave before I lean against the steering wheel and burst into tears. Several months ago, if you had asked me where I would be today, I would've said happily married and working at my dream job. Instead, I am slumped against my steering wheel, in front of what used to be my job and completely alone.

I go home, after an hour or so of sitting in my car crying. I feel disgusting. I wonder, briefly, if I am the first woman he has had sex with in the back of his cab. To help counter this feeling I take a hot shower and change into some nice dry clothes. Just as I am settling in to a good book and a cup of cocoa on the couch, my phone rings.

"Abra, come out for coffee with me." says Noah. I sigh, but I don't refuse.

"Where do you want to meet up?" I ask. We decide on where to go and hang up. I kiss Snuggles goodbye and head over to the cafe.

Once I am there I confess everything to Noah, before we have even ordered. I am almost giddy as I tell him. Not because I think the situation is funny, but because I am so relieved to tell someone, anyone. It probably helps that I am so numbed to it that I have no more tears to cry. Instead I reach an eerie level of serene as I tell him about my plans and the lovers. I even tell him about what happened in the parking lot of the motel a few hours ago. He is stunned, but he doesn't say anything. We are silent for a few moments. I try to think of something to brighten the mood and find that I am beginning to feel genuinely better.

"Maybe I'll write a shitty romance novel about vampire watermelons, make a shit ton of money and leave the country on a boat made of gold and tears. Wouldn't that be nice?" I say, after a few moments of contemplation.

"Clearly you have lost your mind and I'm going to have to have you put in a haunted insane asylum for your own protection."

"Or, maybe, I could just give up and become a lesbian." I put my head in my hands and sigh.

"Or maybe you could stop this madness and use your brain for once." Noah crosses his arms and looks at me over those cute little John Lennon glasses he has an affinity for wearing.

"When have you ever known me to use my brain?" I mumble into my hands.

"Not at all since this madness began. You're starting to remind me of a Shakespeare character with all this insanity."

"Maybe," I say. "you could be a little more supportive of your BFF and her life choices."

"Well, if my BFF wasn't trying to ruin her life by being overly skanky and self-destructive over a boy who happens to be a huge douche, I might be. But seeing as how you are insistent on this stupidity, I can't. I'm still here for you, of course. Though, I am still judging."

"I would expect nothing less than your judgement. Ugh, this is ridiculous."

"I agree. Let's order some coffee and discuss how we can get you back on the right track."

"No, no. Not that," I say. "it's ridiculous that I'm not talking to that cutie over there." I point at a really cute Asian guy standing with a friend at the counter. His shoulder length black hair looks so soft and silky that I just want to run my fingers through it. And I just might, depending on how this goes.

The look on Noah's face is hilarious. He genuinely thought I'd stop my plans. Of course, I thought I would too for a moment, but I can't let Noah be right, even though I know he is. I am being self-destructive and attempting to ruin my life. To be contrary, to both myself and Noah, I go over toward the cute Asian. Upon closer inspection he has an inch thick section of his black hair dyed this gorgeous shade of red. Somehow that makes him hotter and more familiar.

"Hi," I say. I vainly wish I had put on a little more make-up, but I'll work with what I've got for now. "would you like to be my boyfriend for a few weeks, cheat on me and set me up for a sad break-up song?"

"Excuse me?" He looks incredulous and I am not surprised. Usually I wouldn't confess my entire plan in the first conversation, but I'm tired of pretending like the relationship is going to go anywhere when I know it isn't. And the only guy who actually cheated on me was Adam, beside the point of course. Why not just let him know what he is getting into now? We can play boyfriend and girlfriend for a short time, he can sleep with whoever and I can pretend to be outraged. It will end in a flaming plane crash of a break-up. With the possibility of sweet, angry, break-up sex. Even though I am beginning to think I may be too messed up to have any kind of "sweet" sex ever again.

"How about a pizza and a fuck." I say. I can hear Noah's jaw hitting the floor behind me.

The guy gets a kind of cocky smile and just looks at me. I look up in a flirty way, looking through my lashes like Scarlett O'Hara at her best.

"I'm not hungry." He says, coyly.

I put a hand on one lightly muscled arm, still smoldering in a Gone with the Wind way, and lean in close. He can see down my shirt right now and Noah is attempting to pick up his jaw. He is about to lose it again.

"We can skip the pizza." I say. I give a saucy wink and walk back over towards Noah, whose jaw never made it off the floor. I hear him follow behind me. He taps on my shoulder.

When I turn around he kisses me. That kiss is so familiar, so strange and warm. He kisses me as if we have been dating for weeks or have been secretly in love for years. He kisses me as if he knows all my secrets, knows every inch of my skin or knows all of my fears. He kisses me for so long that I am literally melting into his arms. After what must've been forever, or a few seconds of forever, he let's me go and walks away.

I slump into my chair, staring at his disappearing figure. Noah has given up on trying to pick up his jaw and he just looks at me.

"What just happened?" He finally asks.

"I don't know, but I wish it would happen again."

Walk the Plank with Eyes wide open.

200: My middle name is: Elizabeth
199: I was born in: Palo Alto California
198: I am really: Tired
197: My cellphone company is: AT&T (unfortunately)
196: My eye color is: Brown/Black, depending on mood.
195: My shoe size is: 11
194: My ring size is: 10
193: My height is: 5'1"
192: I am allergic to: Corn, Rice, Shellfish (most recently discovered), bee stings and numerous antibiotics...
191: My 1st car was: 1985 Fleetwood Brougham Cadillac
190: My 1st job was: Cleaning houses
189: Last book you read: "Before I go to Sleep"
188: My bed is: on my right.
187: My pet: is currently non-existent
186: My best friend: my husband
185: My favorite shampoo is: Anything by Suave
184: AIM name: Is non-existent, because I don't have AIM
183: Piggy banks are: AWESOME! Especially if it is a Vampire Pig Piggy Bank, like mine :D
182: In my pockets: is lint.
181: On my calendar: I have nothing circled
180: Marriage is: wonderful, if it is to the right person.
179: Spongebob can: be my best friend!! I love that yellow sponge!
178: My mom: is one of my best friends and I cherish her.
177: The last three cd's I bought were? Lungs by Florence and the Machine, Josh Groban by Josh Groban and Awake by Josh Groban (those last two were purchased almost four years ago... I don't buy cds often...)
176: Last YouTube video watched: Happy Wheels Let's Play... Unfortunately. Thanks to my wonderful husband...
175: How many cousins do you have? If we count just first cousins, I have 6. If we get into all my other cousins I quickly lose count...
174: Do you have any siblings? I have 11. 4 adopted older siblings, my brother, my half-sister and 5 half-siblings that who died before seeing the sun.
173: Are your parents divorced? Yes.
172: Are you taller than your mom? Not anymore.
171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play the recorder. I now am able to pick out small pieces of random songs on the piano.
170: What did you do yesterday? Bought some Christmas presents.

[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: No. I believe in LUST at first sight. But not love.
168: Luck: Yes. And I have horrific luck.
167: Fate: Yes.
166: Yourself: Not really.
165: Aliens: No.
164: Heaven: Not as much as I used to.
163: Hell: Yes. Earth is hell.
162: God: I believe in A god, not necessarily any specific god, however.
161: Horoscopes: Not really, though they are fun to read.
160: Soul mates: Yes.
159: Ghosts: Yes.
158: Gay Marriage: Yes. Everyone has the right to be married. No matter if they are gay or straight.
157: War: No.
156: Orbs: I'm not sure what those are...
155: Magic: I wish I did.

[ This or That ]
154: Was there supposed to be a question here?
153: Drunk or High: Drunk.
152: Phone or Online: Phone.
151: Red heads or Black haired: Red heads! Though, I do like both.
150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes.
149: Hot or cold: Hot. I can always take off clothes. I can only put so many on however...
148: Summer or winter: Summer.
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn.
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla.
145: Night or Day: Night. Easier to see the moon.
144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges. They don't hurt my teeth.
143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly. I wonder why that could be? lol.
142: McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's. Though I should say neither...
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate.
140: Mac or PC: PC.
139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip flops all the way!!
138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor: Sexy and Poor. Just like my hubby. :P
137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke!
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama.
135: Buried or cremated: Neither.
134: Singing or Dancing:
133: Coach or Chanel:
132: Katherine McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Katherine McPhee
131: Small town or Big city: Small town
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Wal-Mart
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Neither.
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Neither.
127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: My Birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers
124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags
123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither. I don't give two shits about baseball.

[ Here's What I Think About ]
122: War: It is horrific and often completely pointless. I thank all those who fight for my so called "freedoms", however you should be at home fighting against corrupt politicians rather than dying thousands of miles away.
121: George Bush: is an idiot who fucked up our economy.
120: Gay Marriage: should be legalized, because it is MARRIAGE. If two people love each other they should have the right to be married. And this whole debate about it is fucking ridiculous and unconstitutional. Everyone has the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. If your happiness is being Gay, than you should have the right to pursue it!
119: The presidential election: is coming soon and I don't know who I'm voting for.
118: Abortion: is okay in certain situations. However, I generally am pro-life.
117: MySpace: is obsolete.
116: Reality TV: is stupid.
115: Parents: are there to take care of us, though sometimes they fail. Miserably.
114: Back stabbers: are the worst.
113: Ebay: is something I'm not into.
112: Was there supposed to be something here?
111: Work: is necessary, but not always fun.
110: My Neighbors: are annoying when they've been drinking.
109: Gas Prices: are too high.
108: Designer Clothes: aren't worth the designer prices.
107: College: is where I'd like to be next year.
106: Sports: are okay, but I don't have time to be interested right now.
105: My family: is dysfunctional, crazy, fun, spastic and wonderful.
104: The future: is dim.

[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: was fifteen minutes ago.
102: Last time you ate: was fifteen minutes ago.
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: Yesterday!
100: Cried in front of someone: Last night.
99: Went to a movie theater: July
98: Took a vacation: September
97: Swam in a pool: Last year?
96: Changed a diaper: May
95: Got my nails done: Never.
94: Went to a wedding: September. (Attending my own counts, right?)
93: Broke a bone: Two years ago.
92: Got a piercing: Actually, I've never had a piercing, though my husband is paying for me to get my ears done as my Christmas present.
91: Broke the law: Earlier today... I didn't put on my seat belt.
90: Texted: 7:32PM

[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: Donnie.
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My bed!
87: The last movie I saw: was some Bleach movie that I only watched to please my brother.
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: is the beginning of a new year.
85: The thing I'm not looking forward to: is moving. Again.
84: People call me: Crazy.
83: The most difficult thing to do is: to admit you're wrong.
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never.
81: My zodiac sign is: Libra.
80: The first person I talked to today was: my hubby.
79: First time you had a crush: I was two and I told my mother that I was going to marry Elvis Presley when I grew up. Unfortunately I was born in '88 and Elvis was long gone by then.
78: The one person who I can't hide things from: my friend, Sarah Jo.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last night.
76: Right now I am talking to: No one.
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be a linguistic literature translator?
74: I have/will get a job: at Sam's club doing demos.
73: Tomorrow: I have to work.
72: Today: I worked.
71: Next Summer: I want to be thinner and preparing for school.
70: Next Weekend: I work.
69: I have these pets: non-existent.
68: The worst sound in the world: is nails on a chalkboard.
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself.
66: People that make you happy: Donnie, Sarah Jo, my brother, my mom, my friends!!
65: Last time I cried: Last night. Unfortunately.
64: My friends are: wonderful.
63: My computer is: annoying sometimes.
62: My School: is going to be IU
61: My Car: is a 1988 Chevy Astro Van.
60: I lose all respect for people who: have double standards.
59: The movie I cried at was: A lot of them?
58: Your hair color is: black/brown, aka: my natural hair color currently...
57: TV shows you watch: none right now.
56: Favorite web site: Facebook
55: Your dream vacation: Ireland in the fall.
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: right after my car accident. A shatter pelvis, shattered leg and miscellaneous injuries. Not to even mention the emotional trauma/pain of losing my car.
53: How do you like your steak cooked: Well.
52: My room is: quickly filling up with presents.
51: My favorite celebrity is: currently Lee Jun-ki
50: Where would you like to be: In bed with my husband, sleeping.
49: Do you want children: Not anymore. It doesn't matter. After the wreck I was told not to have children.
48: Ever been in love: Yes.
47: Who is your best friend: Didn't I answer this already?
46: More guy friends or girl friends: Currently? Girl friends... and it is fucking WEIRD! I've always had more guy friends.
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when Donnie kisses me.
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My Memere. I want to tell her all the things I didn't get to before she died.
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Sure?
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Yeppers.
41: Have you pre-named your children: I did have all their names picked out. Now I guess I'll use them in stories instead.
40: Last person I got mad at: This bitch at Wal-Mart who got super shitty with me for no reason.
39: I would like to move to: Sweden!! :D
38: I wish I was a professional: writer.

[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Banana Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
36: Vehicle: Cadillac and a Dodge Charger...
35: President: John Quincy Adams
34: State visited: Wisconsin
33: Cellphone provider: I don't have a favorite. They all suck.
32: Athlete: Michael Jordan
31: Actor: Cary Grant and Wentworth Miller
30: Actress: Keira Knightley
29: Singer: Gackt.
28: Band: The Beatles
27: Clothing store: Maurice's
26: Grocery store: Wal-Mart
25: TV show: Remington Steele and Case Closed
24: Movie: Inception
23: Website: StumbleUpon
22: Animal: Horse, Lion
21: Theme park: Holiday World
20: Holiday: Labor Day
19: Sport to watch: Football
18: Sport to play: Soccer
17: Magazine: TV Guide
16: Book: Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
15: Day of the week: Saturday
14: Beach: A tiny one I visited while I was in Florida.
13: Concert attended: Don Francisco... That's really the only one...
12: Thing to cook: Homemade Pancakes
11: Food: Waffles
10: Restaurant: O'Charley's
9: Radio station: B97
8: Yankee candle scent: Almond Cookie and Fresh Cut Roses
7: Perfume: Crush: Blue
6: Flower: White Rose
5: Color: Blood Red.
4: Talk show host: Regis Philbin.
3: Comedian: Eddie Izzard
2: Dog breed: Doberman Pincer
1: Are you ready for this survey to be over? Yes?

Things Men Do That Piss Me Off.

AKA:

Things that Men in Movies/Television/Books do that Pisses Me off
First example is from this drama that Pomme and I are watching right now. It is called "A Prince's First Love" and whilst I know (in my head, though my heart wants something else to happen) that because of this title (and K-drama standard plot twists) that the girl is going to end up with him, I really don't want her to. Granted there is always a chance that I (and Pomme) could be wrong, I'm pretty sure I (we) are correct in this assumption.

Gun-Hee (the main male lead aside from Mr. Cha) is currently being a total prick. My reasoning for this is because he seems to believe that just because his family is rich and he is handsome that he can have any girl he wants. Including the heroine of this drama, Yu-Bin. Not only that but he also seems to believe that if he treats her like crap she will fall into, not only his arms, but his bed as well.

And when she really needs him, what does he do? He plays the arrogant asshole who refuses to her face and then goes behind her back to fix it. Which doesn't work, btw.

"I think all women are easy."
Edward Cullen (yep, I went there). Where to even begin. Seriously, everything this man does is wrong. He plays with Bella's emotions, breaks into her room and watches her sleep (which is a criminal offense ladies and gentlemen, not romantic), breaks her car so she can't go somewhere, treats her like a yo-yo and threatens to EAT her. And we're NOT talking cunnilingus. In fact, he avoids sex all together. At least, until he marries her and then he practically rapes her. Because that's romantic right?

My biggest qualm with Edward is the abusive way he plays with Bella's emotions. He tells her he loves her and then he leaves her. He threatens to eat her (once again, not a happy eating), but then avoids her all together. He is constantly saying one thing and doing another. Or abandoning her all together.

"I know you think that I have some kind of perfect, unyielding self-control, but thats not actually the case."
In various movies/books/tv shows, there are a lot of men who are obviously abusive, however they always get the girl. Reasons behind this are because nobody apparently realizes that it is abusive. A prime example of this is the scene from "The Notebook" where Noah asks Allie out. By threatening to kill himself by letting go at the top of a ferris wheel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8ldUWIruvs
That, ladies, is a form of abusive. Not romantic. It forces you to make a decision out of distress. Not because you care, necessarily, but because you are being pressured with the threat of bodily harm. Not even harm toward you. Mental abuse is the most prevalent form of abuse, partially because what constitutes mental abuse can be masked. In this example it is masked by being passionate and romantic. It is NOT passionate, nor is it romantic to threaten to kill yourself so that you get your way. Grow the fuck up.

"Would you stay with me?"

Anywho, that is my little rant for right now. I'm sure I'll expound upon this particular topic further in the future. But for now I'm going to go to bed. Ponder what I've said my pretties.

5 Things I find Oddly Frightening

As the title suggests the following are things that for, some strange reason, frighten me. I don't know why I feel like writing this, but I was thinking about odd things that just freak me out. So here it is:

1. The bathroom at the McDonald's. You know those horror movies where the hero walks into a room that has stark lighting and there is the low hum of machinery in the background? Yeah, that's how this one particular McDonald's bathroom is lit. Also, when I walked in all the doors to the stalls were slightly ajar and a little off, making it even more creepy. The whole time I was expecting something to jump out and drag me off.

2. Dreams where the rooms are darkly lit and have objects you wouldn't normally expect to find in them. For example, I had a dream the other night that there was a secret room at my job. The room was dim and stacked upon themselves were these potty training chairs for little kids. And I don't know why! I'm not afraid of using the bathroom, the dark or even children, but it scared the crap out of me. No lies! In my dream I wanted out of there as fast as possible!

3. Running away from people. Well, you'd expect this to be a normal fear, but it isn't. When I was younger I had a friend named Annie. One day, while hanging out at Annie's house, she convinced me that she was a vampire (I was seven, okay) and chased me all over her house. Her house was big and there was a lot of unknown stuff that scared me about it to begin with, but her chasing me made it even worse. I was literally scared of her. I'm still scared when people chase me, even if it is just play. There is something about it that frightens me. It kicks into gear that fight or flight response and I run like I have no choice. Which leads to asthma attacks.

4. Men. Especially men I find attractive. I have been treated rather poorly by the male gender for a good portion of my existence. I've been used, abused and what have you. They not only make me incredibly nervous, but sometimes I'm flat out scared of them. I never purposefully choose to be alone with a man, unless I've known him for a decent chunk of time. Even then, I'm still wary. I've had 3 boyfriends. One of them doesn't even count because I was 10. My second did the most damage. Now I'm with Donnie. And I was scared of him when we met, aside from finding him rude. The problem is, when I'm attracted to a man, I feel even more vulnerable and therefore, more afraid. When I am vulnerable what could he do to me? I'm not a very strong person, I'm also not fast. I feel trapped sometimes, depending on the man.

5. Worms. Not going to lie, but when I was younger I could handle hooking worms for fishing, but now I can't touch one without freaking out. Part of this is because of an incident where I had a panic attack at church involving worms. A guy friend of mine, John, put worms on me while I wasn't looking and freaked me out. I screamed and ran off crying. I was already having a manic/depressive day that day and that sent me right over. I spent the better part of the rest of the service in the bathroom trying to gain some composure, telling myself that I'm not actually afraid of worms. Just when they touch me... Anyway, I haven't hooked my one worms for fishing since.

Oh the Tweets you will Tweet

First of all, I would like to say Happy Zombie Jesus Day! To all of you who celebrate this insane holiday dedicated to zombie Gods, egg laying rabbits and fertility I wish you the best.

Now, because I've been on a tweeting kick recently on Twitter, I just wanted to post some of my favorite quips from not only myself, but from the people I follow! Ready, set, TWEET!

@zachbraff: I understand that He got out of the tomb, but what did bunnies have to do with it? I had a bunny once. No colored eggs, just doodie.

@wicked_roses: Piglet doesn't get any love. Just sayin'.

@wanderingitaly: Time for tea and chocolate covered cherries. Don't laugh.

@wicked_roses: Yay Easter dinner means Cheese Pizza and cookies when you are on your own! ^^ Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

@wicked_roses: Donnie makes some tasty fried eggs, but hands down Aunt Peggy's will always rock! ^_^

@TheRealNimory: Avoid vexatious people. LLAP

@sesamestreet: Grover: Gordon said he made a phone call on his Bluetooth. I do not understand. Gordon does not have blue teeth!

@DalaiLama: No matter what our situation, we all share the same aspiration for happiness. (Yes, the Dalai Lama has a Twitter, isn't that insane?)

@wicked_roses: A vampire's kiss to ressurect her, a wicked kiss to seduce her. Lost in the tapestry of love and lust, a dagger soaked in blood.

@JamesMartin2007: Boregasm:noun verb: the result of or act of reaching the apex or climax of boredom Filling ones capacity for boredom to the extreme boundary

@zachbraff: Passover! So glad we snuck out of Egypt. I'm horrible at manual labor. Building pyramids would have totes hurt my lower back.

@emmyrossum: Sometimes things and people surprise you.

@WilliamShatner: @PAIGEhouse No it's television. It is like radio but with pictures. My best, Bill

@sesamestreet: Cookie Monster: When something not big deal you say, ‘it small potatoes.’ So if something IS big deal, why not say, ‘it big cookies!”

@DalaiLama: Developing love and compassion and reducing anger and spite is a universal activity which requires no faith in any religion whatsoever.

@zachbraff: also when i say the Janitor's penis mole is benign. and he says, "benign/benign and a half..."

@wicked_roses: The Vampire watermelon pushed against the poor girl, kissing all the way up her neck until it had reached the apex of her anatomy.

@wanderingitaly: When you failed at being the breast man? RT: @ZekeQuezada: When did I become the wing man?

@PinkSmileyEyes: Why do people use the word love and hate the most? When they never mean one or the other. I just don't get people!!!

@wicked_roses: I finally got a Twitter. Is it normal to feel like I just sold my soul to the Devil? Because that is totally what it feels like right now.

@wicked_roses: @JamesMartin2007 There aren't many people I want to follow. They don't even have the REAL Wentworth Miller!

@wicked_roses: Dreamt that I was listening to music by the Beatles with Ringo Starr. I think that is going on my bucket list.

@wicked_roses: I am never believing anything I read in Cosmo again. When they call for revenge when you only think someone is cheating there is a problem.

@wicked_roses: My love is making fried eggs for me and I am about to hop in the shower. Dreamt about Russell Brand texting me about a story I wrote. Weird.

Anyway, that is all! Hope everyone enjoyed those crazy tweets, well some were crazy, some weren't. But they were ones I really liked, so there :P

I will Scream.

This blog is about Twilight. I thought I had posted a blog about this topic before, but apparently not on here or anywhere else. Hmm. Anyway, the reason for this is because I am tired of people comparing Romeo and Juliet to Twilight. So here, is my little rant on that. Enjoy.

RANT

First of all Shakespeare was a literary GENIUS. He added thousands of words to the English language, created a story for almost every genre known to mankind and is still one of the most widely read authors of our time.

Secondly, Romeo and Juliet (being one of my favorite Shakespeare plays) is about love at first sight. Not meeting someone who breaks into your bedroom at night to watch you sleep and is always bringing up the fact that he can (and wants to) eat you. Also, Juliet has a life independent of Romeo. She is the daughter of a leader, she is supposed to marry someone else when she falls, tragically, in love with Romeo. There is a whole story besides Romeo and Juliet's love interest in one another.

Thirdly, whilst Romeo may show some signs of stalking (I can admit that he does go looking for her), it isn't out and out stalking. And they get married and then realize how flawed that plan was. In the end they kill themselves for love and everybody is better for it. If "Twilight" was anything like Romeo and Juliet, then Edward and Bella would die and the rest of us would feel much better and could continue on with our lives.

Unfortunately, Stephenie Meyer decides to go and ruin the entire Vampire genre with someone who sparkles and reads minds, but can't read Bella's mind at all (which is never explained) who is also bipolar and manic-depressive. Bram Stoker is turning in his grave as we speak. Then to add insult to injury she can't even keep his hair color straight. That's right, I went there. She says he has bronze hair one moment (which is brown and gold), red-brown the next and red-gold after that. None of those colors are alike except that two of them have brown and two of them have gold. There are other such cases through out the books where she incorrectly calls something one thing and then calls it another, sometimes in the same sentence.

So again, I would like to point out the following:

Vampires do not sparkle (I know they aren't real, but there is mythology that she could've researched and did not). I could understand if she gave some explanation as to why Edward is different, but she doesn't. EVER. He doesn't explain why he isn't burnt up in the sunlight or why he doesn't turn into a bat or anything else. I refer you to Christopher Pike's "Thirst No.1 and No.2" for reference on explaining what you are changing about the mythology and why.

It is not only breaking and entering to break into Bella's house every night for a month and watch her sleep, but it is also considered stalking.

Controlling where she goes and what she does is abuse. Making her feel guilty for feeling certain ways or doing certain things is abuse. Breaking her car so she can't leave is abuse. Abandoning her is abuse. Need I go on?

Romeo and Juliet was created by a literary Genius and Twilight was created by a lonely woman who wanted to create a fantasy for herself. And then wrote it very poorly.