A Fool, A Day

I should know better than to argue with fools. Especially on the day of Fools. Does this day give them super powers or just make them EXTRA stupid? Just curious.

If being Liberal is wrong, then I willingly embrace it. Last I checked believing in the Freedom of the Individual didn't make me a Satanist or a Liberal Pig. It made me a human being!

Why do we put labels on ourselves? Why do we feel the need to do that? It makes no sense to me. We are all HUMAN. What labels are needed? What does it matter what I believe and what I don't?

I'm not sorry that I believe in Equal Rights and I don't understand how that makes me wicked.

I'm not sorry that I believe EVERYONE should have the right to Health Care, Education, Marriage, Religion, etc. And I don't understand how that can be so wrong. I don't think I'll ever understand. I don't think I WANT to understand. I want to continue believing in what I believe is right.

I see nothing wrong with being who you are in the supposed "Land of the Free." You know, the one that says I have the right to LIFE, LIBERTY and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS?

A Choice

I've stopped wearing the hijab. I won't attempt to "try out" any other religions. At least not in the near future. It isn't so much the giving up, as it is the emotional upheaval that bothers me.

I want so desperately to believe in something, but I don't. And wanting to believe in something and actually believing in something aren't the same thing. In the end it felt like a lie. A desperate attempt on my part to be something more than I am. Maybe I was never meant to be a religious person. Maybe I was never meant to defend or protect or change anything. Maybe I was just meant to be me.

I was torn. Torn between my defiance in the face of adversity and my heartbreak in discovering that I couldn't put my faith in something I can't see. Not again. Even though I fiercely defended it with everything I had in me. I would still defend it. I will defend any religion (except Scientology, but that is because it is not a "real" religion), to the death if necessary. I will defend anyone who wishes to practice those religions. I have a great appreciation for them. A deep love for the thoughts and the practices and the motions. I just can't do them myself.

I may still wear the hijab in private. Just between myself and whatever god or goddess may exist out there. Maybe the all exist. Sekhmet, Jesus, Krishna, Allah, Athena, etc. Maybe they all exist and that is why the world is so insane. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

I have learned a lot, which is what I originally stepped out of my shell to do. I force myself into the open to learn, to take it all in. To force a change in myself that I feel needs to happen. And I have walked away with a thought.

I never knew prejudice before now.

Oh, I understood it. On a level that most people do. It was abhorrent and wrong. But it is different when you step over the line and see what it is like to be on the side actually living with it. Living under it.

I lost track of how many times someone asked "Where are you from?" and they didn't mean what state. I had people refuse to let me wait on them. I had people call me all sorts of names. My life was threatened at one point. It was that that made me want to continue, even when I knew I had lost the heart of it. I didn't want to give up and let them win. Let them be the reason I was giving up. I haven't given up, though. It wasn't them. It was my inability to continue lying to myself. I have accomplished part of what I set out to do. I saw what it was like.

Shams (a Muslim friend who moved to the states from Bangladesh) told me once that I couldn't understand what he went through. And I will never fully understand what he goes through, because his experiences will be different from mine, but I have had a taste.

I've rambled now. It's the migraine that keeps coming back. I just keep circling the same thoughts over and over.

Racism.

Racism is defined as a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
It is also defined as hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.
I cannot comprehend that. I can't understand how someone can hate another person or another religion so much without understanding it or knowing the person. How can you look at someone in a hijab and automatically hate her? How can you look at the color of someone's skin and already hate him? You don't even KNOW them. You don't know who they are, you don't understand their beliefs, all you know is the outside appearances.
I don't understand how we can claim to be the 'land of the free' when we still have soldiers who can't marry the person they love because they are gay, we have people calling our president the n-word, we have people threatening to run over other people with cars because they wear the hijab and we have people afraid to practice their religious and personal beliefs. That isn't a free country.

The Golden Man.

Dear ____,

I keep telling myself that I will stop missing you, stop writing you. I tell myself that I never really loved you and you never really loved me. It doesn't make anything hurt less, it doesn't change how I feel. No matter what I do, I keep thinking about you. I miss you. I wish things had been different.

I was seventeen. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I had finally broken up with the Edward in my life. My home life was deteriorating. I was losing faith in God, in religion, in love. I was wilting, like a forgotten flower in a too sunny window.

And you came in to my picture. You came into the darkness and pulled me out. Or so I thought.

I had a crush on you. You were so smart, strong and funny. You were sweet and wonderful, it was easy to fall for you. I didn't even have to try. But you had a wife and I valued our friendship too much to say anything. Not that you couldn't see it written all over my face. I can say I never tried to take you from her. I am still her friend, though I still feel the shame bubbling up in my cheeks sometimes when I talk to her.

I worshiped you. I adored you. I loved you. I wrote so many poems in your honour, though I have often said I would not waste another verse on you. I say I will not waste another tear in your name.

I keep thinking back to when I told you that I had a crush on you. You said you had already known. I blushed because I couldn't believe I had been so obvious.

I told you that I wanted to have sex. You said you would ruin me for other men. I told you I wanted to be ruined. Sometimes when I think about that I know you ruined me anyway.

I can still feel your fingers tracing the soft part of my neck up to my ear and back down as I was trying to write that mythology I was creating. I had dedicated a character to you. The most beloved man created by the Gods and Goddesses of my world. I called you Zimri. How fitting that, in the Bible, Zimri is a traitor and the name itself means "my song" (Or mountain sheep, but that fits less perfectly.)

I remember how strongly I wanted to kiss you. I remember making you blush, twice, and marveling at my ability. I remember how badly I wanted you, while feeling the guilt creeping around the edges. Your wife. Your son and your daughter. Your life that I was so desperately wanting to be a part of.

I was seventeen, though, ____! You should've resisted me, should've told me no. Told me that it was inappropriate. Why didn't you? Was I Lolita, seducing you away from God and family?

I blame myself for inviting you to the prom. I blame myself for asking you to go with me. I wish I'd never gone. I wish I'd never said anything. But I wanted that experience. I wanted to experience prom, to experience a dance. It was my first dance and I was so excited to be dancing with you. I remember all the moves we created for "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls. Sometimes, when I'm reminiscing, I play it. I dance and I think about you.

Sometimes I look at the pictures from that night. The night we stopped being friends. The night we became something more than friends, but less than lovers.

I abandoned you when you said you were leaving her. When you said you no longer believed in God. I was afraid, more than anything. And I was angry. I don't even know why I was so angry. I know I felt ashamed and betrayed for everything that happened between us. But that wasn't the reason I stopped talking to you. You had left me, now you were abandoning God and family. The whole time that I knew it could never be, even when I was hoping it would be, I prayed you would stay married. I prayed you would stay with your wife. I prayed I would forget you.

My prayers were for nothing. I still lost you.

The wound still aches every now and then. It still throbs. I still dream about you. I still miss you. I still love you. The truth of the matter is that I always will.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to remove you from my life. I wish I hadn't, now. But where would we be? You wouldn't have come back to me. You wouldn't have fulfilled my dream. You couldn't. We couldn't

Some days, I admit, I still want you. I am comfortable admitting that. I wouldn't do anything now, because I am happily married, but I still wonder.

I think my problem is that I wonder if you still think about me. I just want to know that you miss me too. And I don't know why I want to know that. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want me still? I wish you would message me. Just once, let me know that you still love me like you said you always would. Even though we still can't be. Even though I shouldn't let you back in.

Darling, I miss you, but this is another in a series of confessions I've written on my way to letting you go. I won't e-mail you. I won't message you on Facebook. I won't try, though I want to sometimes. I will eventually come to terms with this.

In the meantime, I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy and healthy. I hope all sorts of beautiful hopes for you.

Love,
Sarai

The Face of Zeus

In the beginning, we had four arms, four legs and two faces. When Zeus saw us he became afraid of our power. He split us asunder so that we had two arms, two legs and one face. Ever since we have searched for our other face, the other half of what once was whole. We search the whole world for our Soul Mate, the other half to a soul split by a jealous god. Our other half. Our other face.

Perhaps the reason Zeus was so afraid was because two faces can see more than one. Four eyes searching his flaws as a deity, silently criticizing and questioning his every act as God. Its interesting, really, to think about how frightened one god became of his "creation."

An Experiment

In her song, "Xizi She Knows," Imogen Heap says something that resonates with me every time.

You're pretty damn good as you are.
That is something that seems to get lost in the shuffle of things sometimes. Like romantic relationships or friendships. We are never made to believe that we are "damn good" as we are. We are, in fact, made to believe that we aren't good enough. Ever. Because we aren't beautiful. Because we aren't smart enough. Because we aren't what someone wants.

Xizi, she knows, that once its gone, then its gone.
I think that is a metaphor for being damn good as you are. Once you change for someone else and you completely lose yourself, its gone. You may get back some modicum of what you were, but you'll never be fully YOU again. You've lost it. You've let it go.

You may be wondering what this has to do with the title of this blog, but bear with me a moment.

I talked about being hit on, in my last blog. About not being hit on because I'm intelligent or well-read (which, as Donnie pointed out, is never the reason anyone is hit on), but because I have rather large breasts and a so-so face (at least, in my opinion). About how it must be freeing to be completely covered, so that someone has no choice but to get to know you for who you are, instead of how you look.

Can you imagine, for a moment, what it would be like for no one to think your hair is a mess or your make-up is wrong? Or that you aren't wearing the latest styles, your butt is too big or too flat? Can imagine how nice that would be? Not to feel the pressure to please with skin and fashion?

I was talking to Donnie about it and he suggested I try it. Though, he did say he thinks I'll get ignored more than anything.

He suggested I try being covered and then write about the experience. And I think I'm going to do it. It falls into my desire to experiment with different religions as well. I am both excited and trepidatious.

Pros:
1. I'll get to experience a culture other than my own. One that I actually know a fair bit about.

2. I can write about the experiences, because I'll have a rather constant inspiration.

3. My husband supports me in whatever I choose to do.

Cons:
1. The last time I dressed as an Islamic woman (back when I was in high school) I brought the Klan out of hiding.

2. This experiment may have serious ramifications regarding my job, my social life and my family life.

3. I am really shy, so I may very well not gain anything from this experiment except heartache from all the ignorance and stupidity around me.

'Tis better to try and to fail, than to never try at all. How will I know what happens until I try it? Well, I can't. I can't know what will happen or who I will meet unless I try it.

This experiment will take preparation. Partially because I do not currently own a burqa, niqab, hijab or any other such covering. Partially because I need to define the boundaries for myself and a time frame. This experiment is going to take longer than a week or two. And partially, because this is going to take my full concentration and desire. I can't go into this experiment half-heartedly. I have to be fully behind it and fully invested before it will work.

In the meantime, I think I should do some more research into Islam. I need to re-read the Qur'an. I need to slowly wean myself away from Alcohol... Unfortunately. I need to re-read the Bible. If you are wondering about that please refer to my blog "The Christianity/Islam Dichotomy" (which you can find at the following link: http://saraicrazyblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/christianityislam-dichotomy.html). And I need to re-affirm who I am.

I am still searching for who I am, in the midst of all the insanity that is called Life. I am still young, so I have time to figure it out. Maybe this will change me. Maybe this experience will change who and what I am. Maybe it won't. I guess I won't find out until I do it.

I feel like I'm rambling a little so I will stop for now. Expect updates sometime in the near (or far) future.

Something to Say

Someone said to me once that I am beautiful. That I am beautiful and that is why people hit on me all the time. You know who you are and I'm going to tell you something very important.

I partially want to be Muslim because I would have an excuse to be covered. I would have an excuse to ignore my body and my face. I envy women who choose to cover themselves. It must be so freeing to not be constantly judged by your face and your weight, how large your breasts are and how much skin you show.

You know why the few people that hit on me do? Because I have large breasts. Sad, but true. No one tries to go out with me because I am intelligent or well read. No one tries to talk to me because I enjoy the theatre or writing. They come over and "hit on" me because I have large breasts and because I am heavier set. They think because of these things I'll sleep with them. I am overweight so I must have ridiculously low self-esteem (which I do, but that is beside the point). I have large breasts so I must be a slut.

If I was covered, no one would take me at face value. Anyone who talked to me would have to ACTUALLY talk to me. Get to know me, not my body. Get to know what's in my head, not what's on it.

So, darling, the truth isn't that I'm beautiful. The truth is that God/Allah/Buddha/Krishna/whomever gave me a large chest and unfortunately that is all I'll ever be to some people. Its not always a compliment to be hit on.

A Missing You kind of Day

When I was younger, about 17/18 I believe, I had a cat named Forgiven. I was going through a very serious Christianity phase during that time, trying to reclaim some semblance of faith as my world was falling apart. Which is how he ended up with the name "Forgiven." He was one of the few beautiful things in my life at the time.

He was a black and white cat, with a light pink nose that had one black spot on it. He had the brightest blue eyes and he was the cuddliest cat I'd ever met. Sometimes when I would be walking home from school he would run up and want held. He was so comical sometimes, we often joked that if Charlie Chaplin was a cat he would be Forgiven. He was my world, really.

I'll have to find the one picture I have of him and post it, he was the most adorable kitten and then the sweetest cat.

Five years ago this month, two months before he turned a year old, Forgiven was hit by a car and killed. We discovered him one morning, on my way to school. I remember feeling paralyzed as I stood by his little lifeless body, crying, on the side of the road. Of course this isn't the most traumatizing incident in my life, for I have had many, but it is an incident that makes my heart ache sometimes.

Last night, possibly because the day he died is rapidly approaching or because I miss him just as much now as I did then, I dreamt about him. At first he was biting me and scratching me, something he never did in real life. Then he turned into his normal self, cuddling and "kissing" like a loving cat does. He seemed frightened by another cat that was lurking the darkness. A cat I couldn't see, except for the eyes. It was understood that the cat in the darkness belonged to Donnie, but it wasn't Lovey (Donnie's cat that lives with his grandmother currently). It was something bigger than a normal cat, but it was a cat nonetheless.

This isn't the first dream I've had with large cats or cats attacking me recently. In fact the past couple of days all I dream about are cats. Have I angered Sekhmet or Bastet, the cat headed Goddesses of Egyptian mythos? Have I become afraid of the feminine side of myself as the "Dream Moods: Dream Dictionary" suggests?

I also dreamt about car accidents. The roads were lined with crashed cars and I was dazed and wandering amongst them. The police officer kept asking why I had left my van, but I couldn't explain it. I couldn't remember.

Then I was dreaming about Barack Obama and I hugged him. I felt guilty because I got snot and tears all over him because of my crying. And I wasn't just crying because of the car accidents everywhere, I was crying because I had been forced to chop off my hair and because of all the accusing eyes watching me. I was surrounded by women, all of us struggling for air. Trying to find our voices in the deafening crowds. It was as if President Obama heard our voiceless screams and he spoke for us. Saying what it was we were trying to say. It was a glorious moment, terrifying and bewildering. But so very true. I have often felt that Obama has been a voice for the women of this country who are still very much oppressed though there are those who would try to convince us otherwise.

And when I woke up I missed my Memere (French for Grandmother) more than anything. It was a deep throb as I got dressed. I looked in the mirror and just wondered what she would think of me if she were still alive. Would she love me as much? Would she be proud of who and what I've become? Would it matter?

I suppose it doesn't matter to think about those things. To think about a cat that hadn't even reached a first birthday. Or a grandmother who has been dead for almost thirteen years now. But today I miss them. And I miss them more with every breath I take. It doesn't help that I have had a new song by Jason Derulo stuck in my head, echoing the ache in my chest.

In honor of my cat, in honor of Memere, in honor of all those that I feel an ache for on this day.
"Today I miss you.
It gets easier, so they say. So why do I feel like this hole in my heart gets bigger whenever I think of you?
Its because I only miss you when I'm breathing."

All of Her: Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I want everything to be perfect for Jahan. I try to take this slowly. The first step being asking her out on a proper date. Which I don't know how to do because I've never asked anyone out on a date before. Which would be where Clark comes in. Of course, all of this is going to have to wait until after graduation.

Graduation is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I am pacing the apartment in fuzzy Kermit the Frog slippers. Everything is packed up, because I am moving into a new place at the end of the week. My internship officially ended yesterday and I was interviewed for a full time position. I won't find out until after graduation whether or not I have been hired.

Out of desperation for something to do, I call Clark.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clark, its Abra. Are you doing anything overly important right now?" I stop pacing for a moment and nibble on one of my nails.

"Just finishing up grading finals. Why?"

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat with me and then maybe go fly a kite or two?" I cross my fingers, I really need to get out of here or I'm going to go crazy.

"Nerves kicking in?" He laughs.

"Maybe a little." I say, laughing too.

"Give me an hour and I'll meet you at 'The Wilford and Brimley.' Okay?"

"Perfect," I say. "I'll meet you there."

I throw on a t-shirt and jean cut-off shorts. I change my fuzzy Kermit slippers for some sparkly pink flip-flops, grab my keys, grab the kites and head out the door. On my way to "The Wilford and Brimley" I call Noah.

"Noah here." He says. He sounds slightly annoyed.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't get this painting to turn out right, that's all. What are you up to?"

"I'm headed to 'The Wilford and Brimley' to grab a bite to eat with Clark. Do you want to come along?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I have to finish this painting or it will bug me for the rest of the night. As it is, it's going to bug me anyway. Have fun though."

"Good luck." I say and we hang up.

I arrive before Clark, so I order some onion rings and fries to munch on while I wait. I don't wait long for him, however, and he shows up before the onion rings.

"What's up, Abe?" We hug and he sits down.

"I'm nervous as hell, that's all." I take a big sip of my root beer.

"Nervous because of graduation, moving or some other reason?" He smiles at me knowingly and I almost spit my drink.

"What do you mean by 'some other reason'?" I pretend that I'm shocked.

"Relationship troubles, possibly?"

"We only just broke up last week. What would make you think there is someone else so soon?"

"I'm not vain enough to believe that you are that broken up about us being over. I also know that you are determined to be wild and crazy since all the bullshit with David. So, 'fess up. What's the matter?"

"Okay, fine. There's this girl. I want to take her on a proper date, but I don't know how. I've only ever been with David and you. David and I never 'dated' per say. And I didn't ask you out, you asked me. I am completely lost as to what to do or how to go about it. Be my Cyrano and help me woo lady fair?" I bat my eyelashes at him, playing around.

"I will have you know, my nose isn't that big." He laughs and I laugh with him. We laugh for a little bit and order some food besides onion rings.

"Seriously though, Clark. I'm pretty sure this is a first for her and I just don't want to mess it up by rushing into it."

He seems to ponder my dilemma for a few minutes. Our food arrives before he answers and we just dig in. Half way through his hamburger, he looks up at me. He chews slowly before taking a long drink of his water. Its like he is doing this on purpose to keep me on pins and needles.

"Well?" I say, prompting him to speak.

"Have you thought about taking her to fly kites on the beach?"

I pause and look at him. He seems to be serious, but I can't believe he would want me to do that with anyone else. That is something I've not even done with Noah or my family. I consider that to be almost like our sex life, something to be treasured, not spread around.

"No, I hadn't. That is our memory, Clark. I don't want to share that with someone that I can't guarantee I'll be friends with later. Its one thing to fly kites with you, I don't want to do that with a girl I think I want to date."

"I didn't necessarily mean glow stick kite flying, like we do. Just regular kite flying, during the day, like normal people. Though, I'm touched that you don't want to share glow stick kite flying with everyone." He takes my hand and we hold like that for a little while. He isn't my lover anymore, but I enjoy these moments of close companionship.

"When do you want this 'date' to happen?" He asks.

"I don't know. After graduation, after the move, after I find out if I got the job with the firm or not. After all the other obstacles are out of the way, I guess."

"You have time to think about it then. Take her somewhere nice, maybe for dinner. Maybe just for a walk. Just be yourself. Do what feels right and everything will be fine. In the meantime, you should get back home and try to get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow."

"I thought we might go fly kites for just a little bit, if you aren't in a hurry to get back to grading. Are you coming tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll be there tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it for the world. As to flying kites tonight, I suppose it won't hurt anything for my grading to wait just a little longer." We smile at each other, pay our bills and then hop in his car. As he drives I think about what tomorrow holds and what I might want to do with Jahan. Its so crazy to be single and trying to navigate the dating world.

We get to the beach and set up our kites. We set them soaring against the darkening sky, glowing like falling stars. We sit in the sand and watch the kites dance for a while. I should be going home soon. I need to sleep so I can do well at graduation tomorrow. This is going to be one of the biggest days of my life and I have to be prepared. I rest my head on Clark's shoulder and watch the water lapping at our feet.

I must've fallen asleep there, amidst the lapping of the water and dancing of the kites, because the next thing I know I am at home, tucked into bed. The kites are propped up on the dresser and Snuggles is purring next to my head. I smile, sleepily, imagining the trouble Clark must've had to get me home and in bed. I close my eyes and I swim off into a world of dreams.

At graduation, I am even more nervous. I look over the crowd of caps and gowns, people I have befriended and gone to class with. I look over the crowd of well-wishers and parents. I feel like I'm going to throw up as I walk up to the podium.

"We have all realized a dream today. A dream of achieving a higher education. A dream of going further than we have before. Today is the day that we can stand tall and pat ourselves on the back for the hard work and dedication it has taken to get here. Some of us have double majored or even triple majored. Some of us have worked a regular job and an internship while still going to class. Some of us have given up things to get to where we stand today. Be proud of yourselves today. Because today we have done what we strived to do. Today we have accomplished what we have cried and sweat for. Today, we are the graduating class!"

There is cheering as we are pronounced the graduating class of this year. We throw our caps into the air, crying and hugging one another. After the ceremony I am greeted by my entire family, Noah and Clark. There are pictures taken and hugs given. We all go to Mom's house for a "graduation celebration" and we stuff ourselves silly.

Later, as I am lounging on the porch wistfully daydreaming, Clark comes up and hugs me. He kisses me on the cheek before heading home. Mom comes out and sits beside me. We watch him walk to his car. I sigh, still wistful.

"Did you like him, Abra?" my mother asks.

"I liked him, Mom. But not enough to give my heart to him."

She is quiet and I am thoughtful. She smiles at me and then hugs me tightly before we both head back in to the party. We laugh, eat and dance around the house until the wee small hours of the morning. When it is over, I fall asleep on Mom's couch reliving my moment in the proverbial sun.

When I get home there is a message on my answering machine from the accounting firm. I am hesitant as I press play. It is to tell me that I got the job that I had been hoping for. I scream and cry and dance around my living room, replaying the message twice. The cat meows at me, looking at me quizzically. I call my mother to tell her, then I call Noah and then I call Clark. With each re-telling of my triumph I get more excited. I jump around the apartment, crying out to the ceiling that I have done it.

I have stop when a downstairs neighbor begins banging on my door telling me to shut up. Not even that, however, can still my enthusiasm. Now all I have to do is move out of this memory of David and into a new memory. And ask Jahan out.

Moving proves to be less stressful than giving my speech at graduation. With Kevin and Brad's help I am moved out of my old place and into the new within a few hours. The only thing to do is turn in my key to the landlord.

When I go to the office to turn in my key the landlord surprises me with a small package. I open it to discover my engagement ring. I had forgotten all about David returning it. I thanked her for holding it for me and gave her my key. I had hoped to leave all my memories here, but I see that there are some things that will not stay behind. For a moment I am tempted to throw it as hard and as far as I can. Something keeps me from doing that and, instead, I put it in the glove compartment of my car.

I refuse to let anything bring me down and when I get to my new apartment I begin to whistle merrily while I unpack. As soon as there is some semblance of order I will ask Jahan out. I have figured all the details out and I have the whole evening planned. It all relies on me asking.

A few days after I have settled in, I go for a walk on campus. I vaguely know Jahan's schedule, so I wait in the common area for her. I have written a flirty note to her, asking her to meet me on the beach for a moonlit swim and picnic dinner. It hints at things that may happen after.

I happen to see her, hurrying toward the Theology building, so I hurry to catch up. I don't say a word, but slip her the note and give her a hug before sprinting back toward my car. All that is left is to wait for her at the beach.

At home I, briskly, pack up a picnic dinner and a blanket. Once I finish packing everything up, I find my swimsuit, a few towels and t-shirt. I stop then. Does she even have a bathing suit? I hadn't thought about that before now. I pack an extra swimsuit, just in case. Before I lose my nerve to follow through, I head out to my car. I drive slowly to the beach, hoping that this will still my erratically beating heart. It doesn't, but one can always dream.

When I arrive I lay everything out on the sand and change into my swimsuit. I have just enough time to do this before I see her coming down the stairs from the parking area.

Since it is dark, she doesn't hesitate to take off the niqab and kiss me passionately. We kiss for a short while, before she presses something into my hand. It is a small note. Inside, in elegant handwriting, is a short poem written by her namesake Jahan Khatun.

"I have no idea how long I should wait for you or to strive
But I know that is now the time that my luck must finally arrive
This long shirt seems to be as a veil between you and me
I do not know if it is wrong or right
But if you could hold me tight
That veil would no longer be in sight!"

The sweetness and sensuality of this small poem sparks a small fire in my blood. I kiss her again, more passionately and we collapse on the blanket, entangled. Before we go too far, I stop her.

"We should eat first." I say, smiling. I know that she is eager and still frustrated from our last encounter. She moans and tugs at my swimsuit bottom.

"Not that kind of eating!" I giggle, playfully batting her hands away. We eat a little, talking quietly and enjoying the peace of the silent beach. We don't wait long before we begin to swim, just for a little bit. The longer we wait, I assure her, the sweeter everything will be. We swim for an hour or two before dragging ourselves out of the water and drying off. I have her follow me to my apartment in her brother's car.

Once at the apartment, I barely have time to unlock the door before we are inside and practically ripping her clothes off in our haste. Once she is down to her lacy panties and bra, I stop.

"What's the matter?" she asks, breathily.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I ask, nuzzling her neck and letting my hand wander up her thigh.

"Yes," she moans and pushes her hips toward my hand. I unhook her bra and then, gently, I hook my thumbs on her panties and slowly pull them down. Once she is completely undressed I take her hand and lead her into my room. I have her lie down and I begin to kiss her again. I kiss her all over, my lips traversing across the wonderland of her body. She moans and pulls at my clothes.

I oblige her by undressing and I lie down next to her. One of my hands wanders up and down her silky soft skin, caressing here and grazing there.

Down into this sexual abyss, I have come to love, we go. For her first time Jahan receives the very best I have to offer. And, when her finale hits, I kiss her breathless and bring her over again.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel a rush of pleasure at seeing Jahan curled in my arms. I brush a stray curl aside and smile warmly. She is so beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined she could be. I wish I could see her like this all the time.

What will life be like for her? She can't hide who she is forever. She is too wild and free to be a hypocritical atheist forever. If found out, her family will disown her. She will lose her Muslim friends as well. She will lose everything dear to her. I don't want her to lose all of that for me. I don't want to be the cause of that grief and separation.

Have I pulled the goddess too far away from heaven? Have I torn her off of her pedestal and exposed her to a world that will never understand her? I have given the mermaid her legs, but have I stolen her voice?

A wave of guilt crashes over me. I hadn't taken any of these things into consideration before I seduced her. I had only thought of the mutual pleasure we would receive from this.

She stirs. Her gold flecked eyelashes flutter against her creamy skin. She smiles a sleepy smile.

"I love you." she murmurs.

Another surge of guilt washes over me. I hope that she is drowsy enough that she won't notice if I don't say "I love you" back. Instead, I kiss her forehead and hold her close. I think I have made a serious mistake. This was the wrong thing to do. In my thoughtlessness have I ruined her life?

Walk the Plank with Eyes wide open.

200: My middle name is: Elizabeth
199: I was born in: Palo Alto California
198: I am really: Tired
197: My cellphone company is: AT&T (unfortunately)
196: My eye color is: Brown/Black, depending on mood.
195: My shoe size is: 11
194: My ring size is: 10
193: My height is: 5'1"
192: I am allergic to: Corn, Rice, Shellfish (most recently discovered), bee stings and numerous antibiotics...
191: My 1st car was: 1985 Fleetwood Brougham Cadillac
190: My 1st job was: Cleaning houses
189: Last book you read: "Before I go to Sleep"
188: My bed is: on my right.
187: My pet: is currently non-existent
186: My best friend: my husband
185: My favorite shampoo is: Anything by Suave
184: AIM name: Is non-existent, because I don't have AIM
183: Piggy banks are: AWESOME! Especially if it is a Vampire Pig Piggy Bank, like mine :D
182: In my pockets: is lint.
181: On my calendar: I have nothing circled
180: Marriage is: wonderful, if it is to the right person.
179: Spongebob can: be my best friend!! I love that yellow sponge!
178: My mom: is one of my best friends and I cherish her.
177: The last three cd's I bought were? Lungs by Florence and the Machine, Josh Groban by Josh Groban and Awake by Josh Groban (those last two were purchased almost four years ago... I don't buy cds often...)
176: Last YouTube video watched: Happy Wheels Let's Play... Unfortunately. Thanks to my wonderful husband...
175: How many cousins do you have? If we count just first cousins, I have 6. If we get into all my other cousins I quickly lose count...
174: Do you have any siblings? I have 11. 4 adopted older siblings, my brother, my half-sister and 5 half-siblings that who died before seeing the sun.
173: Are your parents divorced? Yes.
172: Are you taller than your mom? Not anymore.
171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play the recorder. I now am able to pick out small pieces of random songs on the piano.
170: What did you do yesterday? Bought some Christmas presents.

[ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: No. I believe in LUST at first sight. But not love.
168: Luck: Yes. And I have horrific luck.
167: Fate: Yes.
166: Yourself: Not really.
165: Aliens: No.
164: Heaven: Not as much as I used to.
163: Hell: Yes. Earth is hell.
162: God: I believe in A god, not necessarily any specific god, however.
161: Horoscopes: Not really, though they are fun to read.
160: Soul mates: Yes.
159: Ghosts: Yes.
158: Gay Marriage: Yes. Everyone has the right to be married. No matter if they are gay or straight.
157: War: No.
156: Orbs: I'm not sure what those are...
155: Magic: I wish I did.

[ This or That ]
154: Was there supposed to be a question here?
153: Drunk or High: Drunk.
152: Phone or Online: Phone.
151: Red heads or Black haired: Red heads! Though, I do like both.
150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes.
149: Hot or cold: Hot. I can always take off clothes. I can only put so many on however...
148: Summer or winter: Summer.
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn.
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla.
145: Night or Day: Night. Easier to see the moon.
144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges. They don't hurt my teeth.
143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly. I wonder why that could be? lol.
142: McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's. Though I should say neither...
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate.
140: Mac or PC: PC.
139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip flops all the way!!
138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor: Sexy and Poor. Just like my hubby. :P
137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke!
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama.
135: Buried or cremated: Neither.
134: Singing or Dancing:
133: Coach or Chanel:
132: Katherine McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Katherine McPhee
131: Small town or Big city: Small town
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Wal-Mart
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Neither.
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Neither.
127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: My Birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers
124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags
123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither. I don't give two shits about baseball.

[ Here's What I Think About ]
122: War: It is horrific and often completely pointless. I thank all those who fight for my so called "freedoms", however you should be at home fighting against corrupt politicians rather than dying thousands of miles away.
121: George Bush: is an idiot who fucked up our economy.
120: Gay Marriage: should be legalized, because it is MARRIAGE. If two people love each other they should have the right to be married. And this whole debate about it is fucking ridiculous and unconstitutional. Everyone has the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. If your happiness is being Gay, than you should have the right to pursue it!
119: The presidential election: is coming soon and I don't know who I'm voting for.
118: Abortion: is okay in certain situations. However, I generally am pro-life.
117: MySpace: is obsolete.
116: Reality TV: is stupid.
115: Parents: are there to take care of us, though sometimes they fail. Miserably.
114: Back stabbers: are the worst.
113: Ebay: is something I'm not into.
112: Was there supposed to be something here?
111: Work: is necessary, but not always fun.
110: My Neighbors: are annoying when they've been drinking.
109: Gas Prices: are too high.
108: Designer Clothes: aren't worth the designer prices.
107: College: is where I'd like to be next year.
106: Sports: are okay, but I don't have time to be interested right now.
105: My family: is dysfunctional, crazy, fun, spastic and wonderful.
104: The future: is dim.

[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: was fifteen minutes ago.
102: Last time you ate: was fifteen minutes ago.
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: Yesterday!
100: Cried in front of someone: Last night.
99: Went to a movie theater: July
98: Took a vacation: September
97: Swam in a pool: Last year?
96: Changed a diaper: May
95: Got my nails done: Never.
94: Went to a wedding: September. (Attending my own counts, right?)
93: Broke a bone: Two years ago.
92: Got a piercing: Actually, I've never had a piercing, though my husband is paying for me to get my ears done as my Christmas present.
91: Broke the law: Earlier today... I didn't put on my seat belt.
90: Texted: 7:32PM

[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: Donnie.
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My bed!
87: The last movie I saw: was some Bleach movie that I only watched to please my brother.
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: is the beginning of a new year.
85: The thing I'm not looking forward to: is moving. Again.
84: People call me: Crazy.
83: The most difficult thing to do is: to admit you're wrong.
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Never.
81: My zodiac sign is: Libra.
80: The first person I talked to today was: my hubby.
79: First time you had a crush: I was two and I told my mother that I was going to marry Elvis Presley when I grew up. Unfortunately I was born in '88 and Elvis was long gone by then.
78: The one person who I can't hide things from: my friend, Sarah Jo.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last night.
76: Right now I am talking to: No one.
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be a linguistic literature translator?
74: I have/will get a job: at Sam's club doing demos.
73: Tomorrow: I have to work.
72: Today: I worked.
71: Next Summer: I want to be thinner and preparing for school.
70: Next Weekend: I work.
69: I have these pets: non-existent.
68: The worst sound in the world: is nails on a chalkboard.
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself.
66: People that make you happy: Donnie, Sarah Jo, my brother, my mom, my friends!!
65: Last time I cried: Last night. Unfortunately.
64: My friends are: wonderful.
63: My computer is: annoying sometimes.
62: My School: is going to be IU
61: My Car: is a 1988 Chevy Astro Van.
60: I lose all respect for people who: have double standards.
59: The movie I cried at was: A lot of them?
58: Your hair color is: black/brown, aka: my natural hair color currently...
57: TV shows you watch: none right now.
56: Favorite web site: Facebook
55: Your dream vacation: Ireland in the fall.
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: right after my car accident. A shatter pelvis, shattered leg and miscellaneous injuries. Not to even mention the emotional trauma/pain of losing my car.
53: How do you like your steak cooked: Well.
52: My room is: quickly filling up with presents.
51: My favorite celebrity is: currently Lee Jun-ki
50: Where would you like to be: In bed with my husband, sleeping.
49: Do you want children: Not anymore. It doesn't matter. After the wreck I was told not to have children.
48: Ever been in love: Yes.
47: Who is your best friend: Didn't I answer this already?
46: More guy friends or girl friends: Currently? Girl friends... and it is fucking WEIRD! I've always had more guy friends.
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: when Donnie kisses me.
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: My Memere. I want to tell her all the things I didn't get to before she died.
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Sure?
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Yeppers.
41: Have you pre-named your children: I did have all their names picked out. Now I guess I'll use them in stories instead.
40: Last person I got mad at: This bitch at Wal-Mart who got super shitty with me for no reason.
39: I would like to move to: Sweden!! :D
38: I wish I was a professional: writer.

[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Banana Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
36: Vehicle: Cadillac and a Dodge Charger...
35: President: John Quincy Adams
34: State visited: Wisconsin
33: Cellphone provider: I don't have a favorite. They all suck.
32: Athlete: Michael Jordan
31: Actor: Cary Grant and Wentworth Miller
30: Actress: Keira Knightley
29: Singer: Gackt.
28: Band: The Beatles
27: Clothing store: Maurice's
26: Grocery store: Wal-Mart
25: TV show: Remington Steele and Case Closed
24: Movie: Inception
23: Website: StumbleUpon
22: Animal: Horse, Lion
21: Theme park: Holiday World
20: Holiday: Labor Day
19: Sport to watch: Football
18: Sport to play: Soccer
17: Magazine: TV Guide
16: Book: Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
15: Day of the week: Saturday
14: Beach: A tiny one I visited while I was in Florida.
13: Concert attended: Don Francisco... That's really the only one...
12: Thing to cook: Homemade Pancakes
11: Food: Waffles
10: Restaurant: O'Charley's
9: Radio station: B97
8: Yankee candle scent: Almond Cookie and Fresh Cut Roses
7: Perfume: Crush: Blue
6: Flower: White Rose
5: Color: Blood Red.
4: Talk show host: Regis Philbin.
3: Comedian: Eddie Izzard
2: Dog breed: Doberman Pincer
1: Are you ready for this survey to be over? Yes?

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,
Is it wrong that I feel the way that I do? Is it so wrong that I still feel this way, after years. I've tried to wipe it out with hate and anguish. The anguish remains, but I'm too tired to hate anymore. I'm just sadly angry and angrily sad. Is it fair to feel this way? Should I try to squash it?

Do you know what I want most for Christmas, Santa? I want a family again. I want my grandfather, Memere, Pepere, grandma Bobbi, my dad, I even want Wes and his family back. Just to feel like we were a family again. Just to feel the illusion of love, even for a few moments. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want even the illusion of it again?

But if Wes wanted to be a father, he should've tried harder. If he wanted to be a part of my life he should've tried. I shouldn't have to go to him to make things work. He should've acted like an adult.

I am my mother's daughter first. I am his daughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am his daughter second.
If he couldn't love my mother any longer, couldn't tolerate my brother any longer than he no longer loved or tolerated me. They are a part of me and I am a part of them. I really did love him at one point.

If Carolyn wanted to be my grandmother she should've tried to love my mother, love my brother. She should've tried harder, but I suppose she didn't know how. But that isn't my fault.

I am my mother's daughter first. I am her granddaughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am her granddaughter second.
If she can't accept and love them, then she can't accept and love me. And the saddest thing is that I really did love her. Looked up to her. But I can't tolerate her talking shit about my mother. I won't stand for anyone to talk shit about my mother or my brother or my sister.

Mom, Chris and Hannah are almost all I have really. I have several other relatives, but none that I see on a regular basis. And my mother's husband, Mark, is a nice enough man, but he isn't my father. He never will be. He will always be a nice man that my mother is married to. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with him just being a friend.

I want acceptance for Christmas. I want to believe that Wes actually cared once. Or maybe I don't, because then I'll just blame myself for him not caring any longer.

I'd like to not be so pathetic that I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything that is wrong. I'd like to not be so hung up on missing people that don't care about me. People who don't even think about me, even though I can't stop thinking about them.

I really just want peace on earth, I guess.

But you aren't any more real than the unicorns and mermaids I claim to believe in. You can't solve my problems anymore than I can. And if there is a God, he has long since stopped listening to me. I suppose this is where I should end this then. What's the point, Santa?

If I say I've been a really good girl this year, will that make any difference?

If I say that I've really tried this year, will that make any difference?

I hate you. I truly do. I hate you for not being real. I hate you for being a childhood principality that can't exist in this world. I hate that this is how everything has worked out.

I am too tired to hate you. I'm too tired to hate anyone, anymore.

Sarai.

Video Games anyone?

Yep, I've been distracted by Dragon Age II... My bad! Oh well, I hadn't been playing video games for a while there. I think it is okay to take a little break and actually enjoy myself... Maybe?

My head hurts, my stomach hurts. My whole body aches. And I have two more days of work to look forward to.

Have been looking into buying a house. Yes, friends, a house. With a mortgage and a yard. A little house or a duplex. Haven't decided yet. But we are looking into it. May have found one that we could live with/in. Still hoping to move to Sweden, though we are hoping to go ahead and get a house now and then save (in-between mortgage payments) for a place overseas. The sad thing is, it will be cheaper paying on a mortgage than it will be to keep renting. *shrug*

Is it wrong that I want to start writing little bits of fan-fiction again? Donnie says I'm a dork and that fan-fiction is objectively bad, no matter how well you write it. But I still kind of want to write it again. Especially since I'm playing video games lately.

A BioShock fan-fiction or Dragon Age (II)... Or maybe I'll just stick with silly J-Rock/K-Pop fairy tales... I don't know. Maybe I won't do it at all, but its something I feel the urge to do. Maybe I should do it for the sake of just writing...

I am hoping to apply for college next month *fingers crossed*

The plan is, currently, to double major in Linguistics and English Literature. With the hope that one day (when I have a degree) I can translate works of fiction and non-fiction into various languages so that everyone can enjoy the beauty of literature and reading. That's my dream anyway. I don't know how it will be trying to double major. That is going to suck, mightily. But I am determined! I don't want to be a demo lady at Sam's Club forever!

Plus, this would enable me to continue to write AND read! Maybe I will make it through that massive book list I have going?

I should really go and do laundry now, though I am not looking forward to it. I desperately miss having a washer and dryer!! I never knew how inconvenient it was to have to go out to do your laundry! How can people stand it? I certainly can't!

Have been having interesting conversations about religion with one of my co-workers who is Muslim. I don't know what to think about that either. I think he just wants me to believe in something, versus believing in nothing. But it is hard to explain to him that for years I have felt utterly abandoned by God (the gods/goddesses) and that my life hasn't changed from when I followed Him (or her) with utter abandon. My mother says that God is proofing me for the years to come. That I am being tested so that I can help others through the same things.

I think that is bullshit (Sorry, Mom). I really do. Do I have to go through every horrible thing to be able to sympathize with others? That seems stupid to me. I'm obviously not going to go through everything there is to go through and there are always going to be people who are going through something different from me. I can be sympathetic and there for someone without having to go through it myself!

Granted, the list of tragedies and atrocities is long in my short life. But I seriously doubt that whomever exists out there is keeping track just so I can "minister" to someone later.

I also hate the holidays. They are never very happy for me. And I wish we could skip over them. I do appreciate the break from work, however, so I suppose that is something.

I am rambling, skipping from topic to topic... Oh well. You guys love me anyway right?

Enough randomness for now,
love,
Sarai

Music, The Bread of Life

I am on a massive music kick right now, just going through my favorites on an old YouTube channel and going "Damn, why haven't I listened to that recently?" or "Holy Shiznit! I forgot all about that song!" It makes me want to post a shit ton of songs for no real reason!!

However, I'll settle for posting them everyday (or as I can, whatever works right?). The videos may not be so good, but its the song that matters, not the video. Am I right? And maybe this will help kick start my writing? Possibly?

Maybe not, but we'll give it a go. Aside from driving Donnie crazy, it makes me happy. ^_^

On to today's song!! There were so many to choose from, but I settled for "Dear God," by XTC. XTC is a British New-Wave band active from the 70's up until 2005. Trent first introduced me to this song (being that he has some interesting musical tastes as well) back before I moved to live with Fawn (2008).

I hope you like it as much as I do. I truly feel a lot of the lyrics for this song, being in a constant state of turmoil regarding the religion I was raised in and the disbelief I feel towards religion as a whole today. I believe in a God. Or gods/goddesses. I do not necessarily believe in the God of the Christians. Having been involved in Christianity for most of my life I know a lot about the bible and the beliefs system, but none of it seems to match up with what we are supposed to be doing. What we are supposed to be.

I can't follow a God who just allows stuff to happen. Or even condones it. I am not a metal to be fired. I am a human being who breaks much more easily than a metal. And though He says we never go through more than we can handle, there is a lot that I can't handle and I have gone through it. I survived (in some cases, barely), but does that mean I CAN handle it?

I don't know. Its all a huge mystery to me. I am not a "believer" (or belieber for that matter) anymore, but in many ways I miss going to church and praying to God. Strange, I know. Oh well. On to the song, shall we?

Dear God - XTC

Past Living

The idea of Reincarnation and Past lives is not knew in this world of crazy ideas. And, to be fair, out of all the crazy ideas it certainly isn't the craziest. Several high-profile religions follow the belief that we are reincarnated after death, including Hinduism and Buddhism. Even some Christians believe in Reincarnation, though the Bible clearly states: "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:" (Hebrews 9:27)

I like the idea of reincarnation because in some small way it is a piece of me living on. I like that idea, like anyone else I'm sure. We all want to live forever in some shape or form. So why not as another person or an animal? Or even as plants? I would love to be a weeping willow tree, I think. Or a red maple. They are both very beautiful trees. Or maybe a rose? I would want to be a white rose.

Going back to past lives though, many people believe that they were someone else in a past life. However, according to an article I read on MSNBC's website this is due to memory errors which creates "false memories". This is also attributed to a sense of deja vu, or the feeling of having been somewhere before. Also, it pointed out that most people only claim to have been famous people once. Past lives are never boring.

To be fair, who wants to say "I was a child who died of *insert any disease here* during the 1800's" (which was very common) or "I was a housewife who had three children and lived to the ripe old age of 82 before passing away in my sleep" or "I was a total nobody who never did anything exciting and died a boring/normal death" or even "I was a greyhound bus who couldn't go below 50mph (miles per hour) or I would blow up, along with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock". Oh wait, that last one might be too exciting for a past life.

It is much more exciting to say "I was Sarah Winchester and I was so haunted by spirits that I built an ever changing house to escape and confuse them" or "I was Catherine de Medici and I was madly in love with my husband who never actually loved me back" or "I was Anne Boleyn and I didn't sleep with my brother, but lost my damn head anyway" or "I was the Eiffel Tower".

Personally, I can understand why people would want to be somebody famous in a past life. Everyone wants some kind of adventure. Why not say they were adventurous in a past life? Personally, I think it would have been nice to just be a young Jewish girl who got married to someone I truly loved and then had a few children who grew up and had children of their own. Doesn't that sound ideal to anyone else? No? Just me? Okay, well then, moving on.

Seriously though, I have thought about this quite a bit. I firmly believe in the supernatural so I guess it comes naturally (ha, pun) to believe in reincarnation or ghosts or that life goes on after we are gone. I mean, we all want to believe in something right? That is why we have heroes and gods/goddesses. So we have something we can turn to when times are rough. Reincarnation/Past Lives are kind of the same thing I guess.

If you were to have lived a past life who/what would you want to be? Would you want to be someone famous and exciting? As for me, I think I will stick to being a Weeping Willow or the Eiffel Tower.

Don't Bother

Thanks to a certain Phil, I have been on an interesting music kick, one I've never been on before. Because of this it was very difficult to pick just one video to post. The reason I picked the one I ended up picking was because I think she looks like a goddess while playing the guitar, plus this video gives a full range of her unique voice.

Of course I'm speaking of Shakira! And the video I am presenting to you today is "Don't Bother" one of my favorite songs by her. Did I mention she looks like a goddess while she plays the guitar in this video?



I am sure that in the near future I will post some more by this fabulous woman, but for now, please enjoy!

World Religion

I was thinking yesterday that I really wanted to try different world religions, just because I think it would be interesting and I feel like I would learn a lot.

I thought I might start off with Catholicism, because it is closest to what I already know, having been a Non-Denominational/Protestant Christian for a long time. I also thought it might be interesting to try to follow the various rules of that religion for a year. I could write blogs about my year as a Catholic, or my year as a Muslim, or my year as a Buddhist. Doesn't that sound interesting?

Of course it is all an effort to learn more about religion in general and to find out more about myself. For example, what do I believe? What do I disbelieve? All in the name of learning and exploration.

Even though I think I would like to follow one religion for a year, I think that might be too difficult to do, depending on the strictness of the religion. For example, if I was to decide to be Muslim (or Hindi) for a year, I would want to follow the strict dress code, as well as the dietary rules and so on.

I'd have to really prepare for those changes and not go into this half-cocked. Shooting from the hip just sounds like a bad idea when it comes to religion.

I think the only "religion" I couldn't do would be Scientology. I apologize to any Scientologists who may stumble across this blog, but I just can't believe in aliens or L. Ron Hubbard, for that matter. Just not something I think I could do for a year. A week, maybe, before I laughed myself to death.

All for now, I'm going to ponder this a little more and see what happens!

Word of the Day (7-14)

Last time I wrote, I posted paragraphs from my word of the day exercises that I'm doing. I plan on posting once a week, so that you can read the crazy, not so good and sometimes just pitiful paragraphs I come up with. Good writing practice for me!! I will also post my paragraph on Precocious, as I hadn't finished it when I last posted. ^^

April 8th: Peccadillo (I found this one by accident)
April 9th: Effusion (Trent picked this one)
April 10th: Effervescent (Trent picked this one too)
April 11th: Peace (I picked this one)
April 12th: Apotheosis (Donnie picked this one)
April 13th: Quintessence (I picked this one)
April 14th: Loquaciously (Donnie picked this one too)

My Paragraphs!

Precocious (04/07/2010)
They call her precocious. They call her a genius, a prodigy. It seems they call her everything but her name. She doesn't want to study or change the world. She just wants to eat candy and stay up late. She just wants to be a little girl.

Peccadillo
"A peccadillo my child. Recite five Hail Mary's and all shall be forgiven." said Father Connor. He sighed as another person entered the booth.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What do you wish to confess?"
"I wear woman's underwear and I am not a woman."

Effusion
The poetic effusion of Autumnal bliss engulfed the young poet. She felt inspired by poets long gone. She heard Beethoven in the trees. She saw Robert Frost's writing in the stars. Every brook seemed to have issued from Monet's brush. Powerfully she was humbled by the greatness of those who went before.

Effervescent
Effervescent in nature, Jane tries to be quiet. "An exercise in patience," she says to no one. She flutters, bubbling with anticipation and impatience. As the moment approaches, her excitement grows so that she bounces back and forth on her toes. He approaches, clean cut and dressed in white. Her joy is abundant as he hands her the butter pecan ice cream she ordered.

Peace
Peace is a condition to which all humanity should strive. A condition of tranquility brought on by the cessation of our own prejudices and quarreling. Peace is achieved when we let go of petty faults, prejudices, et cetera. When we forget ourselves and focus on repairing what has been lost, peace will return. Finding peace is like finding a forgotten flower, quietly graceful. Inner peace lies at the heart of inner beauty.

Apotheosis
"It is only a matter of time before I reach my apotheosis!" cackled the Witch. "Soon, I shall be a goddess, powerful beyond measure! A pinch more of this, a pinch more of that into the stew. Destiny conjured into a bottle and sealed with a kiss. Tomorrow I shall be a goddess!"

Quintessence
The quintessence of my existence has been knowing you. You are the epitome of my experience, the love of my life. My world consists of your lips, your arms. What am I without you? Who could I possibly find to replace you? True love is the quintessence of Human experience.

Loquaciously
Loquaciously she sallies forth into the literal unknown. Determined that the whole world will listen to what she says. She rambles, shouting her desires and opinions to a blue sky. In the end they are only opinions. No one cares for a loquacious young woman, preaching on a sidewalk. She is invisible.

All for now!!

More next week!

Sleeping Beauty

Current mood: Angry

http://news.yahoo.com/video/health-15749655/real-life-sleeping-beauty-tells-tale-18048539

By the way, DO NOT watch "Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief". Why? Well because they claim that one of the "Olympians" or demigods is the daughter of Athena.

Think about that for a minute...

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Okay, done thinking? No?

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Okay, let me spell it out for you. Athena was a VIRGIN GODDESS. Nowhere in her mythology ANYWHERE is she EVER anything but a virgin. Now don't bring up that "virgin mary" bullshit with me.

Athena was NOT a mortal woman filled with the seed of God. She WAS a Virgin. I CANNOT stand people who RUIN mythology like that. READ YOUR FUCKING MYTHOLOGY YOU BASTARDS!