Governor Pence and the Road to Discrimination

Hey guys!

Long time, no blog. I've been doing a lot of stuff recently. And by a lot of stuff I mean I've been stressing out and being absolutely lit pissed over things out of my control.

And one of those things is this whole RFRA (Religious Freedom Restoration Act) going on in Indiana.

Confession time:
I live in Indiana.

Its a terrible law. Its a terrible thing. There is no actual FREEDOM in this law. None. The writing is so ambiguous that you can pretty much claim Religious freedom to do anything. Technically the laws can't touch you.

Its already being used to defend against child abuse and spousal abuse charges in other states... Just fyi.

And no matter what Governor Dip-Shit (I mean, Pence) says, this was designed to enable Government Approved Discrimination. You know why?

He said that the LGBTQIA community being classified as a protected class of citizen wasn't even ON his priority list. Why? Because he is a bigot.

On Saturday I went (along with at least 3,000 other Hoosiers) to Indianapolis to protest and rally against the signing of this into Law. It was signed into law on Thursday last week.

This is reality, kiddos. This is happening. Its 2015 and the Civil Rights Movement has pretty much been trashed by a law signed IN PRIVATE (because he knew the outrage and then has the AUDACITY to say he didn't know this would negatively impact the state!) by a Bigot.

Welcome to Fucking Indiana.

I live here and I am wanting to #BoycottIndiana.

So, here's what I want you to do:
If you live in Indiana, please use your right to VOTE! This is how these things happen guys. People don't use their VOICES and they get drowned out.

Your vote DOES matter!
It DOES make a difference!
And if you aren't voting, shitty things like this happen. We didn't have enough people who voted (especially in my area) and this asshat got elected. Along with several other people in his party who specifically wrote this bill so that they could push their ANTI-GAY agenda on the state.

Not only that, but please only visit businesses that serve EVERYONE! This is another way to fight back. Don't purchase, endorse or help out businesses that refuse service based on "religious belief."

I am so ashamed to be living in a state that has legalized Bigotry. Seriously, this is fucking pathetic guys.

America was built on Religious FREEDOM for ALL. Not just a few. EVERYONE is supposed to be fucking free under that banner.

We are all created EQUAL.

And if you have to boost your ego/religious beliefs by being shitty and denying equality to someone else, then you are failing at religion.

If there is a God, I hope he isn't anything like the people that fucking follow him.

10 reasons I asked if there was another way out of Barnes & Noble

Today, while I was at Barnes and Noble with my friend Kid, I met an author. His name is "Cousin Vinny." At least, that's what he chooses to go by. He was trying very hard to get me to buy his $27 book (paperback, mind you).

He apparently used to be a Soap Opera star, now turned Christian ("I have some spirituality in me") author. He spent 20 minutes raving about how wonderful his book ("The Devil's Glove") was (read: He was raving about how wonderful HE was). He told me that this book would "change your life" and is the best book for "preventing suicide."

He bragged about how he had "NEVER had a bad review" and then proceeded to hand me all of his reviews (in small time Christian newspapers and local papers), they were laminated mind you. Not only were they laminated, but he had apparently memorized each one. He handed me a review and proceeded to recite the whole article, verbatim.

He told me that there was literally no other book with that plot anywhere (spoiler: Its about baseball and Satan). When I mentioned that it was somewhat similar to "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, he swiftly denied it. "Those are two demons fighting over a human. This is ANGELS and demons fighting over a human. God and Satan battling for his soul." (I'm paraphrasing only a little there, this is how the guy talked)

He told me that the writing was the best I'd ever seen and that this would be my favorite book, ever. I sampled the writing while I was standing there... Let's just say it was nothing to write home about. He wrote like he spoke. Not very well.

I am saddened to say that a Pastor reviewed it as being a blend of "Paradise Lost, the Bible and Field of Dreams." Which is very disheartening for Milton and the Bible. To be compared to this is, well, its not a nice compliment in my opinion.

He emphasized that he was a "messenger" (the God part was implied) and when I asked why he didn't go by his real name (Louis Anthony Agnello Jr) he said it was his publisher's idea. It would be easier to "remember."

I told him that "Cousin Vinny" reminded me of Joe Pesci.
He said "Exactly!"
I said "I don't like Joe Pesci."
Taken aback, he said "You don't?"
I said "No. Joe Pesci does not endear me to your book."
To which he laughed, half-quoting me in disbelief.

Also, this guy has no concept of the term "personal space." (His breath isn't so great either) He kept touching me, as if I were an old friend, not a complete STRANGER. I'm not public property, get your paws off.

After I escaped him (it took about 20 minutes, mind you) I literally asked an employee if there was another way out of the store besides the front door because I didn't want to walk past him again. The employee was seriously taken aback and informed me that there was not. But also said that if I warn the front desk that I'm going make a run for it they won't think I'm stealing.

So now, I have a mission. Somewhat. I'm going to read this book, if only to write a terrible review of it. It seems only fitting that I do so, seeing as how I've reviewed the author. You're welcome, "Cousin Vinny," for the "first" bad review you've received.

The following is an open letter to "Cousin Vinny" recounting the experience.

Dear Louis Anthony "Cousin Vinny" Agnello (or "10 reasons I asked if there was another way out of Barnes & Noble"),

1. I am not public property able to be touched because I'm in your space. Just because we are inhabiting the same area does not make me less than human or give you the right to just touch when you feel like it. Did I give you permission?

2. Bragging about your Stripping days in the same breath as you're bragging about how wonderful your book is does not make me want to read it. Especially when you keep saying you are a "messenger" (the "from God" being implied by your "I have some spirituality in me" comments).

3. You don't even KNOW ME, so how can you "guarantee" that YOUR book is going to be my "favorite book?"

4. You're trying really hard to get me to buy your book, but I feel like you're really just trying to explain to me why your penis is the biggest the world has ever seen. And I'm sorry, but I'm just not buying it.

5. Memorizing your laminated accolades doesn't make you seem cool, it makes you seem pathetic.

6. I am half tempted to read your book simply to give it a bad review. Seriously, you tell me how the writing is "the best" and that your story is "the most original" (fun fact: You're not original) and that the copies you are trying to hock are going to be "collector's items" because you are leaving that particular publisher, but I read a sample while I listened to you ramble and your writing style is similar to a 13 year old's. Seriously, I've seen better writing styles in Children's books. You write like you talk. Not very well.

7. You're visiting small towns in the Bible belt, of course this book is going to "sell like hot cakes."

8. Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. You play like you're the "Devil" just for a scenario, but you're in my face telling me I'm worthless. The difference, as I told you, is that I KNOW I'm NOT worthless. My worth is more than reading your book though. Seriously, how could you possibly think that would make me want to read it? Pretending that you are the Devil and that this book is going to save me from Suicide and save my soul... Dude, you don't even know my Soul!

9. "The Devil's Glove" is a terrible name. It sounds worse than cliched. And trust me, I've read some pretty cliched books. (Usually in the genre you are in)

10. "Are you big readers?" Nope. I walked into Barnes & Noble because I like the scenery. Never read a book in my life.

I could go on and on, really. This was the worst meeting with an author I've ever had. And I didn't want to meet you in the first place! Thanks for telling me all about your schedule though, because I now know to avoid B&N until Friday when you leave for St. Louis.

Sincerely,
Sarai.

Post Script: Don't laugh at me because I said "Joe Pesci does not endear me to your book." I was being quite serious. Going by his character name really doesn't make you more likable.

An End to Poverty

Recently my husband sent me an imgur about how Switzerland was considering a minimum income program.


The point of the minimum income program would be to provide every citizen of Switzerland with $33,600 annually as a way to eliminate the poverty line. Pretty simple right? Sound good? The picture sparked some commentary (which I was also linked to) which, in turn, brought my attention to a program in Canada from the 70's called "Mincome." The project was based in Manitoba and provided families below the poverty line with a minimum, guaranteed, income every month.

I posted the picture (and commentary) to my Facebook page as a way to share with my like-minded friends. Obviously, I have some friends who are not so like-minded. The following is commentary made by my friend (LG) and myself.

LG: The problem with this is we have tried this in various forms, and people tend not to appreciate what they get for free: hence the vandalism, wasting of food and resources etc. I do believe in some forms of public assistance, but people in general need to feel they're contributing something to society, however little. Look around at the epidemic of children in this country who have no input from their fathers, financially nor emotionally. Herein lies much of the cause.

Myself: I would have to politely disagree. The problem isn't that children have no input from their fathers (mine has been non-existent in my life for almost 13 years and I feel no need, nor desire, to vandalize) or even that people feel the need to vandalize and take advantage. The problem is people not being able to LIVE.

If the government had caused the acceleration of minimum wage to coincide with the rise in average cost for goods and production we might see less of a problem. However, because the cost of services, food, medicine, etc, has risen dramatically while the amount of money flowing into the average working man's pocket has stayed at a pitiful (dare I say, negligible) amount, we are left in a flux.

I see nothing wrong with the Government (by the people and FOR the people) taking care of its People. The fact that the Government would rather spend literally Trillions on Military and on a war that was supposed to only last a "couple of months" (I am quoting Vice President Dick Cheney there) instead of providing affordable health care, food, better Education (we're ranked so abysmally on the World Wide scores that it is rather disgusting) and affordable birth control (so that there were less Children starving and without homes/families) is an absolute travesty.

The other problem is that we have a lack of proper education to show just how truly ignorant we've been of how the rest of the world works.

Places like Canada, Switzerland, Sweden, Germany, Denmark, The Netherlands, etc. have been putting time and effort into their People so that Sweden is shutting down an astonishing amount of their prisons because there aren't any criminals to fill them. Canada has higher prices, but better health care. So much so that Americans sometimes go to Canada to receive the health care they need! Denmark is the HAPPIEST country in the WORLD. In the WORLD! South Korea and Finland out rank us in Math, Science and English. 

The cause of our problem(s), is this: Our Government has become one that would rather waste tax dollars regulating women's bodies than protecting citizens from guns (I am pro-gun and pro-regulation), become one that believes that a Corporation can have Religious Rights (last I checked, Corporations aren't people) and We The People are the ones suffering. They are still getting the money they need to waste. They are still getting fed. They are still getting to make all the decisions for people that they don't even know and don't care to know.

That is the cause of our problem(s). The government has been completely warped from what it was intended to be.


Want more info on Project Mincome?

• http://public.econ.duke.edu/~erw/197/forget-cea%20%282%29.pdf
• http://www.dominionpaper.ca/articles/4100
• http://archive.irpp.org/po/archive/jan01/hum.pdf

Choose this day whom you will serve.

The following is in response to someone saying that Music isn't that powerful, that Homosexuality is wrong and some misguided things about Suicide. Unfortunately, she removed the comments so I can't post them here. However, you get to read my reply anyway! (Also, I apologize for how NOT stream-lined this is. It was a stream of consciousness rant to my phone and I have copied it... Verbatim)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's why we still listen to Gregorian chants from the 1100's. That's why we still have hymns from the 1700's.That's why we still listen to Beethoven and Bach and Mozart. You can't say that music has NO lasting power when, in fact, its been proven, over several centuries, to, in fact, have lasting power. The other thing is, even if, a person does not have a physical hand in a suicide, they have a hand in a suicide. There are always reasons and its not always a cry for help and its not always for attention. And its not always for selfish reasons. Some times its selfish; a good portion of the time its selfish, but some times its not.

And your articles are just, you went and looked for something to support your opinion. Not any actual, real leg-work, as far as finding things to support it. Just... things that coincide with what you believe. Which, I mean, most people do and that's fine, but you shouldn't do that.

Also, if we're going to get into the biblical side of things here: we have to go with either the New testament or the whole bible. Now, if we're going with the new testament, we have to admit that Jesus never said anything about homosexuality, abortions or sex outside of marriage. The biggest commandment that Jesus gave to us was "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And we, as Christians, seem to have forgotten how to "do unto others." Especially as we want them to do unto us.

You have to ask yourself the question: "Would I want somebody to come in and tell me that my marriage isn't valid just because they disagree with how I live MY life?"

No.

"Would I want somebody to come in and tell me that I can't have a life-saving abortion because they disagree with it?"

No.

The truth of the matter is that there are a lot of Christians who have had abortions because they're "life-saving." And then we argue about that some more too.

The point is that you either have to go with the whole book or the new testament. And if we're going with the new testament you have to admit that Jesus never said anything about homosexuality. Nothing. Not one verse.

Jesus devoted absolutely no time to sexuality. Paul, on the other hand, devoted lots of time to it. And, I would like to point out that, Paul is not the best example of humanity, just throwing it out there.

If we're going to go with the whole bible, then we have to look at the point of fact that we wear clothes that are of mixed texture, eat we shellfish, we eat pork, we touch pork skins when we play football, we gossip about celebrities. Because it is gossip. We're talking about them out of turn. We don't even know them. We're gossiping.

Its just... And we have to say that we're women but we don't actually leave our family home when we start our periods. We don't, you know... and if you tell me that those laws are out dated; those laws are the same laws that you find along with homosexuality. You can't say that homosexuality is NOT outdated, but everything else is. That's not the way it works.

So. Either you have to follow the whole book or you have to, or you can cherry pick. Which, I mean, is what a lot of Christians do. Which is really sad. So, if we're going to cherry pick, the whole bible, we're going to pick verses like homosexuality is wrong.

We're not going to cherry pick the verses that say that children who speak out of turn to their parents should be stoned to death. Or anything like that. You know, because that would just be silly! That law's outdated; you know, "thou shalt not murder." Okay, but God said to...

You can't really reconcile the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament, because Jesus was a fun loving hippie. You know, peace, love and... you know, apple juice. Not really apple juice, but peace, love and wine.

God was all "destroy everything!" That's, that's where I get a little bit sketchy about Christianity, its because I, personally, cannot look at the bible and say "God and Jesus are the same being." Can't do it. Because God of the bible says that he is a "jealous God." But jealousy is listed as being an incredibly evil and wicked thing.

If God is jealous that means he's sinning, but God can't sin because God is... God. Okay...

So then we look at Jesus, who is the perfect example of someone who loves everyone, regardless. God, on the other hand, not so much.

God's like "Kill this," "Kill that."

"What's that? You defeated this army? Kill their children!" That's in the Bible. Go look it up. I can point out verses.

Its just like... Then we get onto the topic of sex.

Again, we can go to the bible and sex, sex, sex. Everywhere. We're sexual beings. We were created to be sexual beings. So, when you look at the bible you've got: people going out and raping, you've got people going out and having sex with prostitutes who turn out to be their daughter-in-law.

You know, you go into this, I mean... The bible is chock full of sex. But its not "bad." Okay, so how is it any different than what's going on now-a-days? Its, its not. People don't really change. Sex is a big thing and will always be a big thing. And the only people trying to suppress it are the church. I don't feel like God wanted us to suppress sex, but that's just me. Especially since he "created" us for it. Its just like...

You also have to think about the fact that, you know, Adam and Eve were probably having sex in the garden and God was watching. There's that. And, technically speaking, they weren't married. Just want to throw that out there. If you want to get really technical, they weren't married.

They were the only two people alive, but they weren't married because, according to a lot of people now-a-days, marriage involves having a certificate. You can't be "married" otherwise. So, Adam and Eve didn't have a certificate of marriage, so they weren't married.

"Joining as one flesh," yeah, that's sex. Just FYI.

Lackadaisical

I'm sorry that I've been rather lackadaisical with my posting of late. Things have been a little bit crazy on my end.

I'll skip my usual Easter/Zombie Jesus Day rant and tell you all that I am feeling like today is a new beginning, in the most Pagan of ways.

Fertility is all around us, the awakening of the earth to a new life, the everlasting cycle of Birth, Life, Death. I have to admit that I love this time of year because it just goes to show how cyclical our lives truly are.

All for now, Happy Spring to you all.

Abnormal.

Normally this would be the time of year that I rant about the rampant commercialism and hypocrisy surrounding one of the biggest holidays of the year. I do that often. Rant, that is. I rant about a lot of things. A lot of the time. I can rant until I'm blue in the face, but it changes nothing. Not a single thing. I'm not even sure it changes any opinions.

I just keep talking, hoping that someone will come to their senses, but I'm not sure they do.
Its a side effect of being a Libra, if you believe in that kind of thing. I want everything to be balanced. I want intelligence to be prevalent and acceptance to be commonplace. I want everyone to be happy. That never happens.

I think I'm done with that. I can't change the world as a whole. I am just one voice. Just one verbose, opinionated, ranting, voice. I raise it, but am I really heard?

I'll keep ranting, keep talking, if only to hear myself I guess. I just am not going to pin my hopes to changing anything. I'm going to pin my hopes that I will change one mind and they will raise a voice to join mine. And maybe that will happen and maybe it won't.

I feel abnormal right now. But I'm tired and don't feel like fighting.

The Meaning of Thanks

I used to think I knew what it meant to be thankful. The truth is that you don't know what thankful is until the thing you are most thankful for is gone. Much like love, thankfulness has become somewhat transient in my generation.

Today is Thanksgiving in America. We eat ourselves into a stupor, we watch football, we do everything except be thankful. And then, tomorrow, we try to run over our fellows for a bunch of junk none of us need! The trappings of this world don't make you happy or thankful. YOU make yourself happy. YOU choose to be happy. YOU choose to be thankful.

So, instead of being "thankful" for the 50% you're going to get off that holiday sweater tomorrow, maybe you should be thankful for the sweater you already have?

I keep telling myself that I'm thankful for all that I have. And I AM thankful for what I have. It is more than a lot of other people have. I have a car, a full-time job (with benefits), I am married, I have my own apartment, etc.

But I am most thankful for what I have HAD.

I had a wonderful Aunt, who pissed me off endlessly, but loved me fiercely.
I had a wonderful Memere, who still motivates me, even though she has been gone 15 years this year.
I had a terrible car accident, but it helped make me into the person I am today.
I have had a lot of horrible experiences, but they've all been making me into the Sarai I am.

I am thankful for all the love and support I have received over the years. I don't think I've said "Thank You" enough. For that, I'm sorry.

This next year, I want to be more thankful. Not just for one month. Not just for one day out of 365 days.

Have a happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the USA. Happy Chanukah to all of my friends who practice Judaism. Happy Holidays.

Belief

Note:
This list is in no particular order.

1. Circumcision is wrong, no matter your gender, simply because it takes away YOUR right as a human being to decide what is done to your body, even if you are infant.

2. Abortions should be legal for everyone. I may not always agree with it, but I have not stood in that woman's shoes and should not be allowed to make decisions for her. Regardless of my personal views.

3. Gay marriage should just be Marriage. And MARRIAGE is a human right that should be available to anyone. (If you are one of those people who likes to quote the bible, but you are living in "sin" with your boyfriend, keep walking. Hypocrisy doesn't further your viewpoint.)

4. All Human Beings were created EQUAL.

5. Marijuana should be legal. It should be controlled, like alcohol and cigarettes, but it should be available for consumption instead of crowding up our prisons.

6. Equal pay for Equal work. How hard is this concept?!

7. Healthcare should be free.

8. Rapists should be punished, not the victim.

9. Freedom of Religion means freedom for ALL religions, not just yours.

10. If you don't vote you have no right to bitch.

Respect for the Enemy.

 Can someone explain to me two very important things:
1. Why is Guantanamo Bay still open?
and
2. Why do we keep our prisoners there?

Last I checked Cuba and the USA were not the best of friends, so can someone explain to me why we would keep our political prisoners there?

The following video is hard to watch. It is difficult, but it is relevant. I am sad that Mos Def went through this situation, though I am proud of him for bringing this issue to a forefront.



"If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner."
- Nelson Mandela.

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
- Mark Twain

"It is easy enough to be friendly to one's friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business."
- Mahatma Ghandi

"In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior."
- Francis Bacon


"Racism is a refuge for the ignorant. It seeks to divide and to destroy. It is the enemy of freedom, and deserves to be met head-on and stamped out."
- Pierre Berton

Slammed

THIS is what I'm talking about!

Never Ceasing.

Human stupidity and arrogance never ceases to amaze (and annoy) me.

We are all human. Therefore, when we say "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal..." shouldn't that mean EVERYONE? Since, "all men" is the equivalent of "mankind" which means EVERYONE.

Am I the only one who thinks that makes sense? Am I the only one who thinks about how we escaped from England because there was no separation of church and state? How often Religion blinds us, because we never follow it the way it is supposed to be followed?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when Jesus said to "love thy neighbor as thyself" he was talking about killing people for being different and denying them the right to marry and denying them food and healthcare. I'm sorry, I missed that part of that verse.

I must've misinterpreted the portions where Jesus spoke of feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. And treating "the least of these." I thought Jesus fed people, with no payment. I thought Jesus healed people, without payment.

I thought God was supposed to be loving. Did I miss something? Are we living in an Old Testament scenario? God in the Old Testament; Jealous, cruel, homophobic, racist (Racism is funny coming from God, because God is the one who created us...), etc. Do we really want to worship someone who orders small children and women to be enslaved or murdered?

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be offensive, but it irritates me.

And I keep hearing Simon and Garfunkel in my head singing about Freedom Riders, and thinking about Civil Rights and how we just keep killing because we don't know how to love and we don't know how to accept.

I keep hearing my marriage vows and wondering why some are denied the right while others abuse it.

It's Time

As many of you know, I am a huge supporter of LGBTQ rights and the freedom of Marriage. The ability to marry who you want, whether you are Gay or Not. Transgendered or Not. Straight or Not.

Love is LOVE.

It's time. To quote a friend of mine, "Let us be the generation that changes the world for the better."

Freedom For Everyone. Love.

A Choice

I've stopped wearing the hijab. I won't attempt to "try out" any other religions. At least not in the near future. It isn't so much the giving up, as it is the emotional upheaval that bothers me.

I want so desperately to believe in something, but I don't. And wanting to believe in something and actually believing in something aren't the same thing. In the end it felt like a lie. A desperate attempt on my part to be something more than I am. Maybe I was never meant to be a religious person. Maybe I was never meant to defend or protect or change anything. Maybe I was just meant to be me.

I was torn. Torn between my defiance in the face of adversity and my heartbreak in discovering that I couldn't put my faith in something I can't see. Not again. Even though I fiercely defended it with everything I had in me. I would still defend it. I will defend any religion (except Scientology, but that is because it is not a "real" religion), to the death if necessary. I will defend anyone who wishes to practice those religions. I have a great appreciation for them. A deep love for the thoughts and the practices and the motions. I just can't do them myself.

I may still wear the hijab in private. Just between myself and whatever god or goddess may exist out there. Maybe the all exist. Sekhmet, Jesus, Krishna, Allah, Athena, etc. Maybe they all exist and that is why the world is so insane. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

I have learned a lot, which is what I originally stepped out of my shell to do. I force myself into the open to learn, to take it all in. To force a change in myself that I feel needs to happen. And I have walked away with a thought.

I never knew prejudice before now.

Oh, I understood it. On a level that most people do. It was abhorrent and wrong. But it is different when you step over the line and see what it is like to be on the side actually living with it. Living under it.

I lost track of how many times someone asked "Where are you from?" and they didn't mean what state. I had people refuse to let me wait on them. I had people call me all sorts of names. My life was threatened at one point. It was that that made me want to continue, even when I knew I had lost the heart of it. I didn't want to give up and let them win. Let them be the reason I was giving up. I haven't given up, though. It wasn't them. It was my inability to continue lying to myself. I have accomplished part of what I set out to do. I saw what it was like.

Shams (a Muslim friend who moved to the states from Bangladesh) told me once that I couldn't understand what he went through. And I will never fully understand what he goes through, because his experiences will be different from mine, but I have had a taste.

I've rambled now. It's the migraine that keeps coming back. I just keep circling the same thoughts over and over.

Stuck in the Caverns of my Head

A sad tale, to be sure, I am currently being plagued by a severe case of writer's block and depression. No, I don't know why I'm depressed, I just am. I've been thinking a lot lately and I think I just think too much.

I feel like such a disappoint me sometimes. I've tried so hard to accomplish something, something to make my parents proud, make my grandparents proud, hell, make ME proud. I have yet to feel like I've done that. Though my mother and my step-father tell me all the time how proud they are of me.

One of the few things I don't like about my recent conversion to Islam is not showing my hair. I kind of miss doing cute things with my hair where people other than my husband can see it. I know wearing hijab isn't required to be a practicing Muslim, but I kind of enjoy wearing it. I feel more secure in it, even though I miss showing my hair.

I am surprised by how passionate I've become about Islam. I have always had a deeper desire to learn about it. A deeper desire to explore. I just didn't realize how much I would love my experiences with it. Even the bad ones. They have made me something more than I was. And I am okay with that. I feel like in some ways I have become better. In other ways I know I still need growing and maturing. Its a funny thing discovering that you are never as mature as you think you are. I still have so much growing up to do, in spite of all the growing I thought I had already done.

I have been thinking about guns, wars, hates and gods. I've been thinking about this world with all the people in it, all the beautiful things we could learn, and we still can't love each other. It hurts. I'm not sure why, but it does.

I have been dreaming about death and sadness. I wonder if it is an omen of things to come or a representation of my current surroundings.

A prevailing thought is that I have to be brave in the face of what I don't know. I have to keeping going forward because I am so close to something, even though I don't know what it is. I am standing on a precipice and all I hear is "I'm not going to fall, I can't."

And in the midst of all this, I hear Josh Groban singing "Brave." And I know those lyrics fit me somehow, but my puzzle is incomplete.

The Case for the Second Amendment.

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of threatening war, it is humanity hanging from a cross of iron."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States.

My personal opinion on the Second Amendment is this:

I, as a normal person, don't need an automatic weapon. It isn't needed for hunting and I'm not planning on killing anyone. Should military have these guns, yes. Should police have these guns, yes. But they have a different job than I do.

I like guns. They are fun to shoot. They are good to have around sometimes. But I don't need an automatic one. I don't feel like anyone should have an automatic weapon. They are dangerous and completely unnecessary to everyday life. My husband and I disagree on this point. He believes we should be allowed to have whatever weapons we want.

The reason I bring this up is because today (this first day of my shiny New Year) has been spent arguing with people about my choices in Religion and my choices in Politics (hopefully this day hasn't set the tone for the rest of the year).

One of my "friends" on Facebook (he is no longer a friend, as I have deleted him) posted the following on his wall, we'll call him Gunner since he is definitely for guns of all sorts.

Gunner: Bitch needs a home invasion... cunt'll change her tune with a quickness.


Me: First of all, I really don't understand the need for a normal human being, like myself, to own semi-automatic weapons. When am I going to need that for hunting? When am I going to need to kill several hundred people at one time?
Secondly, I don't think that registering your weapons is a bad thing. Why wouldn't you want to know who has guns? I mean, if the crazy person next door has guns, wouldn't you like to know about it?
Thirdly, the fingerprinting, I agree with. I had to be fingerprinted for my job, what is wrong with someone getting fingerprinted for purchasing a weapon? However, I think fingerprinting should be enough in that situation, so I do disagree with the photography. People's appearances change, fingerprints don't. Unless you do something on purpose to change them.
Lastly, why would you say that? You've been posting verses, I've seen them. Why would you be quoting scripture and then turning around and calling someone a "b***h" and a "c**t"? Doesn't the Bible say "Judge not lest ye be judged"? And "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you"? And "Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him."?
You may disagree with what she says, but are you really being a good example by behaving in this manner? No. You are actually making an irrational and awful statement about attacking someone so that they will do things your way. Last I checked, that wasn't the American way (America is the land of the Free. Freedom to express personal views. Last I checked, that was the 1st amendment. Granted, that doesn't mean there aren't repercussions to saying what you want to, but she has the same basic rights everyone else does.) or the Godly way ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen").
Not trying to start a fight, just trying to show a different point of view.

MA (one of his friends): I wish I could have said it that well, Sarai. Thank you!

AB (one of his friends): My only issue with the whole thing is "like common criminals" Otherwise, there should not be any reason for anyone to have a problem with this. I own a gun and have no problem doing any of this because I am NOT a "common criminal."

Gunner: First and foremost either of you ever been hunting? No. Didnt think so. I just went yesterday. I took an automatic shotgun. ever had soemone blow your window out with a shotgun? nope. I have. I reacted with a semi auto weapon. and im alive today and a criminal is not. as for my religion, lets not go there. I post verse because it strikes m interest. I get pissed off, I speak. The bitch is trying to take my rights away. i think she needs a lesson on why we Do need automatic weapons. criminals can still get them even if I cant. MA you should damned well know how difficult that gunfight would be if you were the one without an automatic weapon. you'd be fuckin dead. i think people need to wake the fuck up and quit living in their dream world of "oh everythings ok except the war maybe if we ban guns all the bad stuff will go away and the government can take care of me" um no. the government A lies to you habitually B. doesnt care about you at all C. wants to run your life further than even the most repulsive liberal would want. I have registered weapons i have no problem with that but seriously people, dont tell me what kind of weapons i can and cant have. im not a criminal so ill listen but guess what the criminals wont. when they start kickin your door in on your family come talk to me and then tell me how you feel. If its at any doubt at all, yes you pissed me the fuck off. God Bless America.

Me: I'm sorry to have upset you, Gunner. Apparently you have changed more than I originally thought. I am sorry that you seem to be under the impression that because you have had bad things happen to you in your life that you should be allowed to force your opinions on others.
I'm also sorry that you seem to find Liberals "repulsive" as I am a liberal. I believe in equal rights for everyone, I believe in gun control because it is right, not because it will actually stop anyone. Will there always be criminals? Absolutely. Will there always be evil? Absolutely. However, I don't understand your reasoning behind this. No rights are actually being infringed upon. Nowhere in the second amendment does it say that you have the right to semi-automatic or fully automatic weapons.
The second amendment is still very important to me, no matter what. I believe that we have the right to bear arms. I believe that guns are important to the safety of anyone. My great-aunt has a rifle she keeps in her closet in case someone tries to break in. She has been fingerprinted for it and registered it with the State Police. Has she ever had to use it? No. But I'm grateful she has the right to have it.
I'm not living in a dream world. I know the government lies to me. I know everyone around me has two faces. There is the side the public sees and the side that the private world sees. I'm saddened by this, but it is a fact of life.
I'm also saddened by the fact that not that long ago you commented on something I had posted (as said by Eisenhower). He also said "A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both." And that is all I'm going to say on the matter. [At this point I made the semi-painful decision to delete him from my friend's list. This is a friend I haven't seen in 10 years that I finally found after really searching. It was a disappointment to discover just how different he is now from the person I remembered.]

TB (one of his friends): ok i have read enugh bullshit gunner i have been in your life for 14 years and in all that time you have never shot a gun at a person. you can lie to these people on here and build your self up but lieing about shooting and killing them is a out and out lie

MA: You ever been to war? No, didn't think do. You were either too scared, or too stupid to join the military. Don't tell me about fire fights. Don't tell me what bombs are like. If you are going to live your life by your "messiah's" scriptures you might want to read what he said again.

So far this is all there has been to the argument. Because I commented on it before I deleted him I can still see the posts. I just can't comment any longer.

I've decided to keep this argument for posterity, as it shows a complete lack of understanding on some people's parts. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my opinion was accepted amongst his friends, whereas I was afraid I would be attacked by them. I think the saddest part is that I thought we were on the same wavelength regarding gun control. The reason for that is the quote I posted at the very beginning of this post (which I also vaguely referred to in my reply to him, but I got distracted and forgot to finish the thought).

When I posted that quote this is the conversation we had:
Gunner: Im very very very pro gun (obviously) but he had a point to be understood. Well posted hon.

Me: I am also pro-guns, but I am also pro-regulation of said guns. The 2nd amendment even calls for a well-regulated militia, not an unregulated populace. Also, Eisenhower was a good president.
And I'm glad you think it was well posted

Gunner: Likewise, Every gun I own I gladly went through the due process of. Without one single complaint and Id gladly do it again. and yes he was.

Am I sad that I deleted him? Yes. Because I really had been looking for him this whole time. We were close until he moved and I was so excited when I found out he had moved back and I ran into him. So my heart is a little broken right now. It hurts losing friends. It hurts fighting with people on my very first day of the New Year. 

Would I delete him again? Yes. Because I'm not going to be treated negatively for having a different opinion and I'm not going to allow people to bring hatred into my life. I'm determined to be positive now. Its time for this Shiny New Year to really SHINE.

Let the Christmas Rants begin

I am so sick of people who try to force "Merry Christmas" down my throat.

I don't celebrate "Christmas," never really have. I have always believed that "Christmas" was a pagan holiday (partially because I do my research) dressed up as a "Christian" holy day to convert more pagans to Christianity during the early days of our history.

Newsflash, Jesus wasn't born on Christmas. In fact, we'll never know exactly when Jesus was born. Since Israel has roughly the same climate as the state of Indiana (in the USA), I'm going to say it definitely was NOT December, as no shepherd in his right mind is going to be out in the middle of winter with sheep that could freeze to death (or starve as there would be nothing for them to graze on) thus depriving him of his flock.

It offends me when people try to force me to say something I don't believe in. I'm not going to tell you Merry Christmas if I don't believe in it or feel like it. Please respect that wish. Also, think about what you are doing when you try to force your beliefs down other people's throats. Are you really being Christ-like?

I am all for people being Christians or Muslims or Jews or Hindus or Buddhists. But we need to learn that there is a difference between being an example and being a jerk. You can be a good *insert religious preference here* and not badger people about converting.

*End Rant*

The Girl in the Head Scarf

Up until now I have been keeping this to myself, but a few things recently have really made me think and when I think I have to write. So here it is.

I have recently converted to Islam. Or, at the very least, attempted to. I'm not very good at it, in my personal opinion. Of course, I've always been a little too independent for religion to begin with. I don't think I was a very good Christian either. So far, in my religious experiences I seem to have made a much better Atheist. Beside the point of course.

The biggest part of my conversion is my searching for something to believe in. I may be a Muslim forever, I may revert back to Atheism. I may decide to practice Judaism. Allah alone knows the answer to that. And I truly believe He knows the answer.

Does this seem very odd? I'm sure it does. With all the times I have ranted against God it seems silly to have this "eleventh hour" conversion. I'll admit that it seems odd to me as well, considering that I truly believe God and Allah are the same being. I refuse to attempt to explain it really. I have just decided this is the path I'm going to try and I'm going with it.

This also explains why I have been posting a few different things about racism recently. Because this is something I've been experience since I started wearing the hijab. Yes, I am wearing the hijab as part of my conversion. And something strange happened when I started doing that. I felt more comfortable as myself and everyone around me became more uncomfortable.

Former co-workers have threatened to run me over with their cars, men in Mexican restaurants say not so nice things about my "turban," and, most recently, random strangers drive past me shouting at me that I am a "damn towel-head." Former co-workers have embraced this newest me (as I am constantly evolving), offered to protect me, random strangers have invited me to come and speak with them at Mosque and there has been encouragement. In truth, it has been a bit of a polarizing experience.

I knew there would be resistance. This isn't the first time I have donned the hijab. Though the first time was in high school, in solidarity with a Muslim friend who was run out of town, and as a social experiment. And part of this is a social experiment. Life is a social experiment. Beside the point of course.

I knew that I would find out who my real friends were. Though it has been a bit painful. Some of the people I thought I cared about turned out to be the enemy. But I'm still here. And I am still wearing my hijab.

I've also come to the conclusion that Christians in the US (obviously if you are Christian and reside in another country this doesn't necessarily apply) have NO clue what they are talking about when they speak of "persecution." You've never been persecuted unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. Which is what I'm doing now. It is part of the refining fire, as the Bible says.

I'm scared, but I'm elated. I like pushing the boundaries, but I am afraid to go too far. Am I a freak? I suppose time alone will tell.

Racism: A Universal Language.

It has been said that Love is a universal language. A smile can be understood in any tongue. But racism is also universal. Discrimination and hatred can be understood no matter what language you speak or where you are from. The saddest thing is that even in today's "advanced society" (I use the terms "advanced" and "society" loosely [as society is defined as an organized group of persons associated together for religious, benevolent, cultural, scientific, political, patriotic, or other purposes. And advanced is defined as ahead or far or further along in progress, complexity, knowledge, skill, etc.]) there is racial dissension and hatred, solely for being different.

Despite my naivete, I have been fully aware of the hatred that so called "society" can engender in others against someone who is different. I was always a different child. I was overweight and I read a lot of books. I have always been told that I was very intelligent, intelligence can be frightening to someone who doesn't appreciate the need for education. And of course this all stems from some form of fear. Which is saddening.

When I was a child, I didn't hate things I was scared of. I was afraid of it. Often this made me want to learn more about it. When I was afraid of vampires, I researched them and discovered all the wonderful mythology Stephanie Meyer could've found if she had bothered to research for "Twilight." But that is neither here nor there. I'm afraid of spiders, but I don't hate them. Well, I might say I hate them, but I actually don't. I am just scared of them and don't want them crawling on me. I don't want any bugs crawling on me.

I'm afraid of dying, but that doesn't mean I hate death. I try to understand it. Why do we all die? Things like that.

My point is this, racism, like love, can be understood no matter who you are. And it is LEARNED. No one is born with hate. No one is born with love either. We learn these things. We learn to hate, to love, to react. And if we are still teaching our children to hate then this universal language remains vibrant and prevalent. An unfortunate disease of an "enlightened" society.

A perfect example of this universal language is the following video. This young woman was, in fact, white. But she was French. And different from the other Aussies on the bus. It's sad that just singing in French could trigger this violent attack against her. But it isn't unheard of.

Electoral

As I write this Obama is behind on the Electoral votes by 30. At least according to the map I've been watching since 6pm. (You can find it at this website: http://elections.nytimes.com/2012/results/president)

I can't help but feel like my whole future is riding on this craziness. And I keep telling myself that Obama is going to win, but I know there is the chance he won't. And it's that chance that is making me sick to my stomach so that I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I know everyone always says "Oh, I'll leave the country if so and so wins." but in reality I don't have enough money to leave the country and no desire to at this point in time, but I genuinely don't want to live in an America run by a millionaire who is proud of the fact that he bullied someone into suicide and who tied his dog to the roof of his car for a trip and who doesn't pay the same taxes I do because he is a millionaire (who hides all of his money overseas so he doesn't have to pay anyway!). This is ridiculous. I have lost all my faith in the American people if we vote in Mr. Romney.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep playing Dragon Age: Origins and pretending like I'm not watching the map grow redder by the moment.

The Golden Man.

Dear ____,

I keep telling myself that I will stop missing you, stop writing you. I tell myself that I never really loved you and you never really loved me. It doesn't make anything hurt less, it doesn't change how I feel. No matter what I do, I keep thinking about you. I miss you. I wish things had been different.

I was seventeen. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I had finally broken up with the Edward in my life. My home life was deteriorating. I was losing faith in God, in religion, in love. I was wilting, like a forgotten flower in a too sunny window.

And you came in to my picture. You came into the darkness and pulled me out. Or so I thought.

I had a crush on you. You were so smart, strong and funny. You were sweet and wonderful, it was easy to fall for you. I didn't even have to try. But you had a wife and I valued our friendship too much to say anything. Not that you couldn't see it written all over my face. I can say I never tried to take you from her. I am still her friend, though I still feel the shame bubbling up in my cheeks sometimes when I talk to her.

I worshiped you. I adored you. I loved you. I wrote so many poems in your honour, though I have often said I would not waste another verse on you. I say I will not waste another tear in your name.

I keep thinking back to when I told you that I had a crush on you. You said you had already known. I blushed because I couldn't believe I had been so obvious.

I told you that I wanted to have sex. You said you would ruin me for other men. I told you I wanted to be ruined. Sometimes when I think about that I know you ruined me anyway.

I can still feel your fingers tracing the soft part of my neck up to my ear and back down as I was trying to write that mythology I was creating. I had dedicated a character to you. The most beloved man created by the Gods and Goddesses of my world. I called you Zimri. How fitting that, in the Bible, Zimri is a traitor and the name itself means "my song" (Or mountain sheep, but that fits less perfectly.)

I remember how strongly I wanted to kiss you. I remember making you blush, twice, and marveling at my ability. I remember how badly I wanted you, while feeling the guilt creeping around the edges. Your wife. Your son and your daughter. Your life that I was so desperately wanting to be a part of.

I was seventeen, though, ____! You should've resisted me, should've told me no. Told me that it was inappropriate. Why didn't you? Was I Lolita, seducing you away from God and family?

I blame myself for inviting you to the prom. I blame myself for asking you to go with me. I wish I'd never gone. I wish I'd never said anything. But I wanted that experience. I wanted to experience prom, to experience a dance. It was my first dance and I was so excited to be dancing with you. I remember all the moves we created for "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls. Sometimes, when I'm reminiscing, I play it. I dance and I think about you.

Sometimes I look at the pictures from that night. The night we stopped being friends. The night we became something more than friends, but less than lovers.

I abandoned you when you said you were leaving her. When you said you no longer believed in God. I was afraid, more than anything. And I was angry. I don't even know why I was so angry. I know I felt ashamed and betrayed for everything that happened between us. But that wasn't the reason I stopped talking to you. You had left me, now you were abandoning God and family. The whole time that I knew it could never be, even when I was hoping it would be, I prayed you would stay married. I prayed you would stay with your wife. I prayed I would forget you.

My prayers were for nothing. I still lost you.

The wound still aches every now and then. It still throbs. I still dream about you. I still miss you. I still love you. The truth of the matter is that I always will.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to remove you from my life. I wish I hadn't, now. But where would we be? You wouldn't have come back to me. You wouldn't have fulfilled my dream. You couldn't. We couldn't

Some days, I admit, I still want you. I am comfortable admitting that. I wouldn't do anything now, because I am happily married, but I still wonder.

I think my problem is that I wonder if you still think about me. I just want to know that you miss me too. And I don't know why I want to know that. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever miss me? Do you ever want me still? I wish you would message me. Just once, let me know that you still love me like you said you always would. Even though we still can't be. Even though I shouldn't let you back in.

Darling, I miss you, but this is another in a series of confessions I've written on my way to letting you go. I won't e-mail you. I won't message you on Facebook. I won't try, though I want to sometimes. I will eventually come to terms with this.

In the meantime, I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy and healthy. I hope all sorts of beautiful hopes for you.

Love,
Sarai