The Velvet Goldmine

When I was younger I used to babysit my cousins all the time. I didn't mind this because I could watch what I wanted on TV after they went to sleep and I had an available assortment of snacks and what not at my Aunt's. It is on one such evening of babysitting that I discovered a movie called "Velvet Goldmine."

I didn't actually watch the whole thing at the time. Just bits and pieces of it. I couldn't get into it and, admittedly, the only reason I watched it was for promised sex scenes. I was approximately sixteen so I hadn't really figured sex out just yet. I was, however, overtly curious.







The other day I was thinking about it, out of nowhere mind you, and I decided to procure a copy of it. And the other night I watched the whole thing. THE WHOLE THING.

Worst decision ever, mind you. I stayed up until after 1AM watching a movie that I really had a hard time getting into. And it wasn't that good of a movie. Personally speaking of course.

There are a few things I have figured out from this film:
1. Lady Gaga is just a copy of Brian Slade/Maxwell Demon
2. Jeffree Starr is a poor imitation of Jack Fairy.
3. Jonathan Rhys Meyers looks like Fawn when he has longer reddish hair...

The story revolves around Brian Slade, a bisexual glam-rocker in the 70's loosely based on David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust; Arthur Stuart, a British journalist, closeted homosexual and glam-rock fan; and Curt Wild, a garage band singer on the edge. Also starring: copious amounts of Homosexual and Heterosexual sex and Ewan McGregor's penis.

Of course there are a few other intriguing characters such as Mandy Slade (played by Toni Collette) and Jerry Divine (played by my favorite comedian Eddie Izzard!). But they aren't nearly as interesting as the main characters.

Overall, I didn't like the film. I didn't like how they filmed it, though it renewed my appreciation of nude Ewan McGregor and Jonathan Rhys Meyers as a whole... But that was it.

If you read the synopsis of the film it actually sounds really interesting and very psychedelic. Which it is very psychedelic. But not really in a good way.

The lines purloined from Oscar Wilde are thrown in haphazardly, dialogue is practically non-existent. The music isn't very good. The whole thing felt like it was trying really hard to be deep and intense. It came off as being faker than fake.

On a scale of 10, I would rate this a 2. Ewan's penis is about the only thing that made this for me. That and Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

All of Her: Chapter Twenty-Three

I decide, at random, to go to the library and check out some movies. I have grown bored with most of Clark's avant garde collection, though I like some of them. I wander the aisles, browsing titles and remembering times I wish I could forget. I stumble upon "Titanic" and the memories bubble up before I can suppress them.

I had just turned sixteen. I was still a virgin, though David's pressure for us to have sex had been building. I felt like I was going to explode, because I wanted him just as badly. I was just nervous, a little afraid even. For my birthday that year my sister, Anna, bought me "Titanic," knowing my love for the main male protagonist. I decided that, after watching the movie, I would finally allow David to have my virginity.

I planned everything meticulously. I bought a new bra, a new pair of panties, a lubricant and condoms. I set up candles around my room for the "mood." My mother and Brad would be out of town for their anniversary and my younger sisters would be staying with Kevin. Anna would almost certainly be over at Greg's house all during the weekend; they were planning their wedding after all. I had the house to myself.

On the appointed day I invited David over, after confirming my sister's midnight blue Mazda was gone from the driveway. He showed up with my favorite flowers, white hyacinths. We put them in a vase and I fixed us dinner. It was the first time I made my fancy BLT's for him. Then I coaxed him into watching the movie with me. At first he refused, claiming it was such a "girl's" movie, but he eventually settled in and we snuggled. His hand would stray toward my breasts during and, instead of smacking his hands away like I usually did, I reveled in the sensation.

After the movie, I excused myself to the bathroom where I put on my new "lingerie," digging the lubricants and condoms out from behind the tampons and maxi pads under the sink. I re-entered my bedroom decked out and nervous. David looked shocked, though obviously aroused.

"Are you sure?" he said, as he gently pushed me back on the bed. I nodded meekly, allowing him to touch me in places I had never been touched.

"Promise me something," I moaned, his hands caressing.

"What?" he breathed, nipping the skin of my neck. I stopped him and looked deep in his eyes. I wanted him, but I wanted this promise more.

"Promise you will marry me someday." I said, a little breathless, tears welling up in my eyes. He looked at me, with an expression I took for serious sincerity at the time. His breathing slowed and I felt my legs being separated.

"I promise." he said. With those words my virginity was lost.

Staring at the cover of "Titanic," I know I have to watch it again. I haven't seen it since that night, almost eight years ago now. Maybe it is a way to come full circle, a way to heal. Or maybe I will be beset by memories the entire time and unable to enjoy any of it. I almost wish I would run into Jae so that I can make new memories with someone else. Instead I run into David.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, clearly surprised by my being out in public.

"Checking out movies, obviously." I reply, holding up my movie selection. His eyes snag on "Titanic" and linger. He looks at me and then back at the cover.

"I haven't seen that in years," he says, pointing to it.

"I know." I reply. "Its been eight almost."

"Yeah. It has been. I thought you didn't really like it. Why are you checking it out now?"

"I used to love this movie." I say, somewhat defensively. "I just never watched it after that night because the memories were too powerful."

"I would think you would have watched it more then, not now."

"What does it even matter to you what I do and do not watch, David?" I ask, irritated by his manner and tone. How could I ever love this man? Why did I love him? Why did I let him have all those years, all those secrets and trusts? He shrugs his shoulders, so nonchalantly.

"It doesn't. I was just curious. I suppose I'll leave you now." he says and as he walks away, I can't keep the acid from dripping off my tongue.

"You left me a long time ago." He stops, but doesn't turn, at first. Slowly, almost painfully, he turns and looks at me.

"We're in a library, so I won't make a scene." he says. "But you are wrong. I didn't leave you until that day at the altar. I suppose I just couldn't stomach you any more."

His words bite like a snake, quick and poisonous. I feel like I've just been slapped.

"You left the night I gave you my virginity." I whisper, vehemently. I check out my videos and head out the door, David close behind.

"No. I cared for you at that point." he says. I turn to face him, my eyes searching his face as though trying to see a chink in the armor. Anything to give me a chance to strike back.

"You never cared." I say, struggling to keep from yelling. "You may have cared for my body, but only when you wanted to use it. You never cared for my mind or my heart. If you had you never would've played with them like you did."

"Girls are like toys to be played with, really." He says, a cocky grin on his face. "Like living Barbie dolls. It's amusing. I watched you and Alice disintegrate like you'd been blasted with fire. I had Alice convinced that being with you was the right thing to do. That her love for you should let me stay with you, even as I kept professing my undying love and my desire to be with her. She put up no fight. No resistance."

I blink. Once, twice. Tears sting my lids. I have to force myself to start breathing again. My lungs feel like they are on fire. And, without thinking, I drop my movies, haul off and punch David right in the nose. He stumbles back, startled by the suddenness of it, and then clutches his nose which begins spouting blood. I pick up my movies again and walk away. No one tries to stop me and the only person that tries to help him is his unlucky wife, who screams profanity at me as I walk away.

I know that that was incredibly stupid. I know that I shouldn't have punched him and that I will pay for it. My hand is already throbbing. However, it felt so amazing to finally do that. To have my moment of feeling justified. To have my moment of, so-called, revenge. Its the only thing I've done that actually hurt him. Of course it hurt me too, but it still hurt him. Why didn't I just do that in the beginning? Why didn't I do that when he first tried to seduce my engagement ring away from me? Why didn't I do that when he tried to sleep with me? Why did I let him into me, no resistance, when I could've done what I did just now?

I know Alice will seek me out. I know her well enough to know that she will want to confront me. I almost turn around so that she can do it now, instead of having to wait. But I don't, I keep moving forward. I swear to myself that, from now on, that will be the only direction I move.

It takes some time, and convincing, but I convince my former boss, at the book store, to allow me to return to work. I move out of Clark's apartment and into a tiny apartment above the store, which my boss gives me a discount on. I take up painting, in my spare time. My favorite subject becomes Snuggles, who refuses to sit still for a portrait. I stop going to the bars, I stop having sex, though that part is a lot more difficult.

I do give in a couple of times, after running into Adam one day at the store. And once more after running into Niya at the library.

I know that my confrontation with Alice will happen eventually. Just because it hasn't yet, doesn't mean it won't. I know her better than that. Because of this, I am not at all surprised when she comes to see me at work.

At first she doesn't say anything. She ignores my presence and my attempts to assist her in finding a book. She wanders the store, never in a position where she can't glare at me. Finally she brings a book up to the counter and slams it down, in an attempt to gain my attention.

"May I help you?" I ask, politely. I don't look up, instead I continue to pretend to be fascinated with my tea.

"I'd like to purchase a book on how to get rid of a slut." she says. I look up at the book and see that it is a book of sexual positions.

"I'm afraid you won't find what you are looking for in that particular book." I say, seeming un-phased.

"This book is for me and my husband. Who recently got attacked and is still recovering from a broken nose." Being a bitch, I can't help but smile at that. My hand was tender for a few days, but I have fully recovered, physically, from our "encounter of the violent kind."

"Well then you won't want to try the position on page thirty-five. It may re-break his nose." I go back to stirring my tea, refusing to be riled by her insinuations. Did I whore it up? Yes. Did I break David's nose? Absolutely. Am I going to fight with her anymore over it? No. She fumes, silently for a while, but I don't care.

"You are a whore. I don't know what he ever saw in you." she spits.

"I don't believe he ever saw anything in me. Nor in you, really. He just knew how to manipulate us both. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of dancing like a puppet on a string with no choices or free will. You may continue dancing if you like, but kindly leave me out of it."

She doesn't say anything at first, letting the words sink in. Then she turns bright red. I look her in the eye, the first time I've done it since everything fell apart. She knows that what I said is true and that there are no words to redeem him at this point. She knows I am right and it pisses her off, even as it frightens her. She still loves him. She married him. Like me, she lost her virginity to him. I'm sure she can't help but wonder if I was a better lover or if he ever truly loved me.

"I'm leaving." she says, leaving the book on the counter. "I don't want to see you again, Abra. I will get a restraining order if I have to."

"Good luck." I say. "It isn't exactly the biggest town. We will run into each other by accident all the time. I have as much control over that as you do over the sun shining in the morning. I promise not to intentionally bother either of you anymore, however."

With a last sharp look, she turns on her heel and walks out. I sigh and sit back down, stirring my tea. I don't even look up when I hear the bell over the door jingle again.

"Forget one last cutting remark, did we?" I say, taking a sip of tea.

"No," she says. "I forgot this."

I look up just in time to see her hand flying toward me. The contact echoes and I can only look up at her in shock. She looks shocked as well, her hand reddened by the slap. My cheek throbs, tears well up and one slips down my cheek.

"Is this what we've come to, Allie?" I ask, using a nickname I haven't used since we were children. "We have lost everything for a man. A stupid man who probably never actually cared for either of us. He used us both, can't you see that? Don't you see what is happening here?"

A tear slips down her cheek as well, but she shakes her head at me.

"He loves me." she says. "You just can't handle that he never loved you."

She turns then and walks away. I don't stand to follow her, I don't move at all. I can't. We've broken beyond repair, corrupted from the inside out and there is no cure for it. I catch a glimpse of her face, she looks back at me before she opens the door and disappears into the outside world.

I wonder if she has any doubts about her husband now. I wonder if she will think about what I've said in the years to come. I wonder if it did any good. I doubt it, as I sip my tea. It was only after he left me that I realized how bad David was for me.

I lock the store up for the evening, a cool breeze whistling by. I am feeling down with all sorts of thoughts drifting through my head. I walk slowly, dreamily. I attempt to not let the anxiety, and depression, slowly creeping in get any foothold, but it is hard. I feel terribly alone and isolated. I haven't seen Noah in ages, my best friend and I have fallen completely apart, my ex-fiance is a tool and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm actually a little terrified of what will happen to me.

I manage to find myself on a bridge, a couple miles from the store and my car. I stand on a rail, gazing into the midnight blue water and wonder. I wonder what it would be like to just jump. I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing ever again. I wonder if I would see Annabelle again. I feel like Rose in "Titanic." Nowhere else to go. I've never felt this overwhelmed, this lost.

No one else can save me, I have to save myself. I have to be my own saviour. And at this point I don't care that much about being saved. I lean forward, grasping the railings so that if I lose my balance I will still be hanging on. A still voice tells me to just let go, let everything go. I can't change anything, it says.

I could let go. I could let go and slip over, falling into the cool water below. I imagine the water slipping like poison into my lungs and filling me until I can take no more. I imagine the water like satin sheets, burying me in softness that erases any desire to leave. I imagine the darkness closing my eyes and I shiver when I realize I wouldn't fight it at that point.

I don't let myself think about David or Alice. I don't let myself think about Noah or Annabelle or Liam. I don't think about Jae. I don't think at all. I just dangle above the water wondering what will happen next. A car honks at me, startling me out of my reverie and I, guiltily, climb down. I go to a payphone and deposit my last two quarters, punching buttons like a madwoman.

"Hello?" he says. He sounds sleepy and stuffy. Probably from the broken nose I gave him.

"David, don't hang up." I say, lamely. I know I need to say something to him, or I'll never really heal.

"What the hell do you want?" he whispers, angrily.

"Who is it, darling?" says a soft voice in the background. He mumbles something, a lie of course.

"I have to talk to you. Will you meet me?"

"So you can re-break my nose?" he asks. He must've gone into another room, because I no longer hear Alice.

"No. Because I need to get something off my chest and I can't do it over the phone. Bring Alice, we'll make a party of it."

"We don't need to involve her." He says, hastily.

"Why? Are you afraid she'll see the truth and leave you without a plaything?"

He is quiet for a few moments and then I hear him sigh.

"Where do you want me to meet you?"

I give him directions as best I can, considering I walked here in a daze. He says he'll meet me in fifteen minutes and hangs up. I shiver as I replace the receiver. There is a slight chill in the air. Or maybe that is the fear of what will happen next. Maybe it's the exhilaration of finally getting to say what I have needed to say since the beginning of this soap opera.

Fifteen minutes passes quickly and I see him walking toward me, his black leather jacket and jeans recognizable even in the semi-darkness. I stand under a street light and wait. There is nothing else around, no sound. It's like the whole world has stopped to watch this newest drama unfold like rose petals in the moonlight. I try to stifle a smile, a nervous habit, as he approaches. He is scowling and his nose is swollen and bandaged. I don't feel guilty for it, though I know I should.

After what feels like years, we are both standing under the street lamp, only a foot or so of space between us. I look into his eyes and wonder if he ever really saw me. Did he ever know me? I can't help but want to kiss him right now. A silly attempt to erase all the time and distance between us. A romantic attempt to save us from the erosion and betrayal.

"I still love you."

Roulette

I
"It's a game." he said. "You'll love it."

"What kind of game?" she asked, eager to be accepted by this new boyfriend. She knew he didn't mean Monopoly. She knew that she should be wary. He was different, dangerously so.

His slightly pointed teeth glimmered in the light of a naked bulb. They were slightly pointed like a vampire's. He always wore colored contacts, she had never seen his real eyes. Tonight he was wearing a gory shade of red. They glinted in an evil, almost demonic, way as he produced a gun. His dangerous beauty and the silver etched pistol both frightened and aroused her.

"Have you ever played Russian Roulette?" he purred. Looking into his eyes it was easy to believe he was a demon, a modern Mephistopheles, come to seduce and murder her.

"Isn't that illegal?" she whispered, her voice quivering and her stomach turning to jelly.

"Of course. All the best things are." he said. "But for your first time we won't play with a real bullet."

He opened the chamber and slid the bullet into place. He spun it before snapping it closed. The snapping echoed in the heavy silence. She shivered, not sure if she should trust him. What if it was a real bullet? What if he had the chamber rigged? He smiled again, revealing his shiny white teeth, and she imagined him laughing over her still body.

He took a few steps back, his wicked grin never leaving his face. She smiled nervously as he put the muzzle to his temple. She braced for an impact that she wouldn't feel. His smile never wavered, turning manic as he positioned himself. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. Just a click. He laughed at the terror on her face, cajoling her with his eyes.

"Not afraid, are you, love?"

She straightened, stiffly, telling herself it was just a game and she wasn't a coward. But her stomach twisted and her bowels cramped as he handed her the gun.

"Cock it back like this," he said, showing her what to do. "when you are ready, pull the trigger. You can close your eyes if that'll help."

It was a little heavier than she had expected and she could feel her muscles bunch and strain to keep her hand from shaking.

"Don't be afraid." he said, nibbling on her earlobe. She tried to swallow, but her throat had closed. She felt her heart beat triple in speed. It pounded in her ears so that she could barely hear. He guided the muzzle to her temple, caressing her as he positioned her. He kissed her, a slow kiss that made her frantic. He pulled away before she could get a full grip on his leather jacket and positioned himself across from her.

Under the dimming bulb, she imagined that the bullet was real, that this would be the end of her. The end of everything. She gulped for air, feeling like her heart would burst through her chest. This was the moment. She would prove she was brave. She just had to make it through this test. That was all it was, a test.

"Pull the trigger, darling." he cooed, gently. She closed her eyes, bracing for an impact of some sort, and squeezed. The hammer clicked, but nothing happened. Her legs felt like water suddenly released from a dam and she collapsed with a rush of adrenaline and relief.

He was beside her in a moment, lifting her back up.

"It's quite the rush isn't it?" he asked, prying the gun from her stiff fingers.

"Yes. A real... rush." she murmured weakly.

"Let's play a variation," he said, his smile eerily painted across his face. "instead of holding the gun to your own head, aim it at me."

"Variation?" she gulped.

"Of course." he said. "All games have variations. Even this one. When I tell you to, pull the trigger. And this round we'll have a real bullet."

He opened the chamber, slipped out the false bullet and replaced it with a real one. He spun it, as before, and snapped it into the chamber. He smiled as he handed it to her.

He positioned himself about three feet away and winked at her.

"Pull the trigger."

II
The rush of a bullet wasn't enough. The rush of sex and death were no longer drug enough. She played Russian Roulette alone in the darkness of her apartment in front of a mirror. She sat in the darkness, every click like a shot of heroin into her blood. Sometimes she would masturbate, watching her reflection achieve orgasm to the click of the hammer.

It hadn't taken long for that boyfriend to end up dead from their little "game" and the police didn't need much convincing. All it took was a pretty young woman in a blood spattered white dress. She cried, genuinely, for that dangerously handsome idiot. Not because she loved him, but because she would have to find a new partner to play with.

She hadn't even waited for his body to cool before she seduced one of the officers at the scene. She begged him to point his loaded Centerfire Compact at her head during and she climaxed remembering her previous boyfriend's final words.

It hadn't taken long to become addicted to the rush. The heady mix of life and death, intertwined with lust and sex, was enough to pull her in and keep her. It hadn't taken long to discover that she could no longer enjoy life without a click inside her head.

It hadn't taken long for the clicks to no longer be enough. She couldn't sit in her room alone forever, waiting to lose to herself. She needed the rush with someone else. Another body to hit the floor. Another blood spattered dress.

She found him outside of a club.

"Want to play a game?" she asked, looking up through her lashes, luridly.

"What kind of game?" he asked, already succumbing to the 'come fuck me' look in her eyes.

And she showed him. She taught him how to play. She taught him how to die. He didn't like the variation she had been taught, too vanilla for that. They played the traditional way and she didn't even blink an eye when the bullet zipped through his temple and out the other side of his skull.

She had been very lucky so far. Every night she would kiss the bullet, placing it in the gun that had originally belonged to that dead boyfriend.

For her luck she praised Bes. She would plead with Shai that this next day she would continue to breathe. She called out to the Norns that they continue to weave her fate with that of luck. She praised Gefion for continuing to shine on her. She laughed when she blessed the name of Fortuna and cried when she asked the Moirai not to cut her threads. Luck and fate became her religion, the click of the hammer representing favors from the gods and every sexual encounter an addictive gift.

The latest pawn in this game kissed her breathless before he taught her another variation. He filled the chamber with four bullets. She kissed each one before he placed them. She agreed to sleep with him if they both survived the game.

That first time, with that first game, they had practically torn each other's clothes off; the need to feel alive overwhelming any other sense. She had cried then, as he slid into her and kissed her into a frenzy. It was the best she had ever had and she had wondered, as he followed her lead, at what cost? Now she didn't even think.

The need to feel that chemical rush was an animal waiting to tear out of her body. There was no thought, no feeling except the adrenaline and the climax.

She survived that variation. Her teacher was kind enough to die quietly in the basement of an abandoned warehouse. She kissed his lips before taking the gun and disappearing into the darkness of the night. She always played with the same gun.

The next pawn was a young woman, about her age, so naive and innocent. She taught her everything and let her walk away. The game didn't always have to end immediately after beginning. Sometimes it continued through the loose connections made. That other woman was not as lucky, they found her dead a week or so later, another unlucky victim of the game.

It really all came down to that moment, she would tell herself. The moment when she stood before the mirror and watched her face; imagining it imploding on itself.

"Pull the trigger."

III
"It's a game." she said. "You'll love it."

"What kind of game?" he asked, intrigued by the strangeness of her.

Her lips were dark red in the dim light of the alley. They reminded him of a mouthful of blood and they turned him on. It was cold outside, snow hanging on the edges of the clouds. Just glistening gray, waiting to fall. Her look was full of lust, when she produced a silver etched pistol. Her eyes glittered in the light of the street lamps. Her eerie smile and the pistol, both, frightened and aroused him.

Her smile widened, revealing shiny white teeth, slightly pointed like a vampire's. Just one bullet was no longer enough. There were so many variations to explore, so many rushes to be had. This would be the last variation. There would be no coming back from this one. No greater rush than this, knowing that her life stood precariously on a hidden ledge. This would be the last round, all the chambers filled but one. The very last rush with someone's life about to end in the darkness.

"Have you ever played Russian Roulette?"

A Missing You kind of Day

When I was younger, about 17/18 I believe, I had a cat named Forgiven. I was going through a very serious Christianity phase during that time, trying to reclaim some semblance of faith as my world was falling apart. Which is how he ended up with the name "Forgiven." He was one of the few beautiful things in my life at the time.

He was a black and white cat, with a light pink nose that had one black spot on it. He had the brightest blue eyes and he was the cuddliest cat I'd ever met. Sometimes when I would be walking home from school he would run up and want held. He was so comical sometimes, we often joked that if Charlie Chaplin was a cat he would be Forgiven. He was my world, really.

I'll have to find the one picture I have of him and post it, he was the most adorable kitten and then the sweetest cat.

Five years ago this month, two months before he turned a year old, Forgiven was hit by a car and killed. We discovered him one morning, on my way to school. I remember feeling paralyzed as I stood by his little lifeless body, crying, on the side of the road. Of course this isn't the most traumatizing incident in my life, for I have had many, but it is an incident that makes my heart ache sometimes.

Last night, possibly because the day he died is rapidly approaching or because I miss him just as much now as I did then, I dreamt about him. At first he was biting me and scratching me, something he never did in real life. Then he turned into his normal self, cuddling and "kissing" like a loving cat does. He seemed frightened by another cat that was lurking the darkness. A cat I couldn't see, except for the eyes. It was understood that the cat in the darkness belonged to Donnie, but it wasn't Lovey (Donnie's cat that lives with his grandmother currently). It was something bigger than a normal cat, but it was a cat nonetheless.

This isn't the first dream I've had with large cats or cats attacking me recently. In fact the past couple of days all I dream about are cats. Have I angered Sekhmet or Bastet, the cat headed Goddesses of Egyptian mythos? Have I become afraid of the feminine side of myself as the "Dream Moods: Dream Dictionary" suggests?

I also dreamt about car accidents. The roads were lined with crashed cars and I was dazed and wandering amongst them. The police officer kept asking why I had left my van, but I couldn't explain it. I couldn't remember.

Then I was dreaming about Barack Obama and I hugged him. I felt guilty because I got snot and tears all over him because of my crying. And I wasn't just crying because of the car accidents everywhere, I was crying because I had been forced to chop off my hair and because of all the accusing eyes watching me. I was surrounded by women, all of us struggling for air. Trying to find our voices in the deafening crowds. It was as if President Obama heard our voiceless screams and he spoke for us. Saying what it was we were trying to say. It was a glorious moment, terrifying and bewildering. But so very true. I have often felt that Obama has been a voice for the women of this country who are still very much oppressed though there are those who would try to convince us otherwise.

And when I woke up I missed my Memere (French for Grandmother) more than anything. It was a deep throb as I got dressed. I looked in the mirror and just wondered what she would think of me if she were still alive. Would she love me as much? Would she be proud of who and what I've become? Would it matter?

I suppose it doesn't matter to think about those things. To think about a cat that hadn't even reached a first birthday. Or a grandmother who has been dead for almost thirteen years now. But today I miss them. And I miss them more with every breath I take. It doesn't help that I have had a new song by Jason Derulo stuck in my head, echoing the ache in my chest.

In honor of my cat, in honor of Memere, in honor of all those that I feel an ache for on this day.
"Today I miss you.
It gets easier, so they say. So why do I feel like this hole in my heart gets bigger whenever I think of you?
Its because I only miss you when I'm breathing."

A Dragon in the Year of the Dragon

Happy New Year Everyone!

As always, there are many regrets and sweet memories from the previous year and new resolutions for the new year. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year!

When I was younger, my friend, Kendra, and I made lists of all the firsts we did in the New Year. So here is a short list of firsts on this first day of the new year.

First Food eaten: Raspberry Mousse Whipped yogurt
First Drink (non-alcohol): Sam's Choice Cola
First Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
First Phone call made: To my mother.
First kiss received: Exactly at midnight, from my wonderful husband!
First Website visited: Facebook

Super short, I know. What can I say? Its early enough! There is so much day ahead of me!

I also have a short list of resolutions:
- Be completely awesome forever (Thank you, Donnie)
- Finish writing "All of Her"
- Lose weight (always)
- New and Improved Reading Goals (which I'll expound upon in a moment)
- Focus on improving my writing
- Finally get into college!
- Get a new car
- Move (again)
- Spend more time with my sister
- Enjoy life.

New and Improved Reading Goals
All things considered, I actually did really well with my resolution to read more last year. I made it all the way to October before I completely gave up for no apparent reason. The reasoning was actually I was super busy and spaced it mostly. Though I did try to read. However, as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."

The new reading goals are going to be divided by months. Each month will have specific goals to be met regarding reading. So bear with me!

January
- Read 1 book from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book I have had suggested to me.
Total: 3 books.

February
- Read 1 Sci-Fi novel.
- Read 1 Non-fiction.
- Read 1 Historical Fiction.
Total: 3 books.

March
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book that I randomly found at the library.
Total: 4 books.

April
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book my sister suggests.
- Read 1 book my brother suggests.
Total: 4 books.

May
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book that was turned into a movie.
- Read 1 book involving a topic I've never really explored before.
Total: 4 books.

June
- Read as many books as I want. This includes books I've already read.
Total: ?

July
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book of Historical Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book of Historical fiction.
Total: 4 books.

August
- Read 1 book about someone I admire.
- Read 1 book that is a sequel to a book I loved.
- Read 1 book about an animal.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.

September
- Read 1 book about something I would I like to do.
- Read 1 book written about someone I hate.
- Read 1 book that I found randomly.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.

October
- Read 1 Romance Novel.
- Read 1 Fantasy Novel.
- Read 1 Children's Book.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.

November
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Finish 1 book I haven't finished.
- Read 1 book by Ayn Rand.
- Read 1 play by Shakespeare.
Total: 5 books.

December
- Read 1 book about Holidays. Fiction or Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book written 100 years ago.
- Read 1 book by Dr. Seuss.
Total: 3 books.

Approximate Total for 2012: 45 books.

Sarai's Crazy Texts

My friends and I have some very odd conversations, text wise. Some we have in person, but they aren't always as hilarious. So, for your viewing pleasure here are some of the crazy texts my friends and I have had.

Me: Communist.
11:27PM Thu, 13 January

My Brother: Liberal :P
12:27AM Fri, 14 January

~

K: You only get married once (hypothetically) lol. If a wedding isn't something that is important to you, I say go for it. BUT!!! If even a fraction of you wants a wedding, big or small, I would wait. You could end up resenting your spouse later on, ruining your marriage and causing you to join the circus. I've seen it a hundred times. Also: I happen to be a great wedding singer. I do all Whitney Houston songs, and my rate is low.
12:23PM Thu, 14 July

Me: Well the thinking is that we get married @ the courthouse, then save for a real wedding later on. Also, joining the circus doesn't seem so bad.
12:29PM Thu, 14 July

Me: You are a wedding singer?
12:30PM

K: Ahhh well that doesn't sound too bad. Provided you're ready to be married. Never rush into a decision you have your entire life to make. Am I a wedding singer?
Inside: yes.
Professionally: no.
Your wedding would be my debut.
12:36PM

Me: Whitney Houston is your specialty? I don't think we are rushing. We will have been together 3 years by our chosen wedding date. We've been engaged a year.
12:45PM

K: Yes. I feel like Whitney really gets me. Then I say go for it! Just remember to send me an invitation!
12:48PM

Me: You're wanting to sing at the Monroe County Courthouse on September 1st? Lol.
12:51PM

K: No no.. At a real wedding.
1:03PM

Me: Lol. I know, I was teasing. I will send you an invite someday. I am sure that you will receive many invitations to sing after your debut.
1:07PM

K: Thats a given.
1:08PM

~

Phil: Hi parch i mean sarai
9:00PM Thu, 13 January

~

Me: Are you working tomorrow?
1:29PM Thu, 14 July

K: Yessum.
1:29PM

Me: I work as well. 2 - 6. POS in fact. I am taking a shift for H. Is he okay? He has been acting strangely. He seemed really down yesterday.
1:33PM

K: No idea. He was over here the other night. Maybe he's pregnant.
1:33PM

Me: That's true. He has been eating a lot of pickles and ice cream.
1:34PM

~

Phil: chicken butt sex!!! omg!
2:15PM Sat, 29 January

~

K: What is her number again?
10:09PM Wed, 10 August

Me: Why do you always lose her number?
10:55PM Wed, 10 August

K: Hahaha i just never save it.
11:13PM

Me: Silly goose.
11:14PM

K: If I am a bird, I would be an owl. Or an eagle. Or a wolf!!! Muahahaha!
11:19PM

Me: Wolves are not birds!
11:20PM

K: I know.. I got carried away.
11:21PM

Me: Noticed. At least you aren't an acid spraying honey badger?
11:23PM

K: Indeed. Badgers are rude.
11:27PM

Me: Quite.
11:29PM

~

Phil: Anything exciting happening today?
2:00PM Sun, 13 February

Me: The entire state decided to divorce Illinois and move back to live with its mother Montana. Other than that no.
2:04PM Sun, 13 February

~

Fawn: The highlight of my night. Trent reading porn titles off the TV. We are laughing hysterically...
12:36AM Tue, 29 March

~

K: Twainism is a religion I would follow without hesitation.
8:31 PM Mon, 02 May

~

Zach: God, your such a tease:p
10:50PM Fri, 03 June

~

Me: K. I am drunk texting you. Lol
10:40PM Fri, 15 April

Me: I love alcohol. Tee hee
10:48PM

K: I love you.
10:54PM

~

SJ: Hows it hanging ?
9:55PM Wed, 09 March

Me: Free and happy?
9:56PM Wed, 09 March

SJ: Lol tell donny I said to put some pants on
9:56PM

il m'aime

I'd rather say nothing at all and pray, to whomever listens, that you accept me, than to say what I'm truly thinking right now and be rejected.

Is it unfair?
Is it wrong?

You said you loved me, once. That beautiful day, I couldn't say it back to you. You never said it again. Though I've said it a million times since then.

Is it hard?
Is it painful?

I thought I'd cried the last tears I was going to over you. But I keep thinking of the things you said, when you loved me. That beautiful day, I couldn't bring myself to say it back. I tried, but my throat closed and my eyes filled with tears. I showed you, the only way I knew how. I held you closer, I pulled up my walls. I didn't believe you then, though I wanted to. I wanted to hear you say that over and over until the end of time. I wanted to belong to you. I wanted to.

Do I regret it?
Should I try to forget it?

You come to me, in random moments. Random memories, glimpses of happier times. Times when we talked. Times when we hugged. Days I miss more than anything else.

Isn't it ridiculous how I still let you haunt me?
Isn't it sad that I wish you still loved me?

Did you ever truly love me? Was it for the best that you never said those words again? Can I forget the look on your face when I pressed my lips together? When I said "Yeah, right?" Can I ever forgive myself for that look on your face? Can I ever forget that you never said it again?

Isn't it tiresome how I keep coming back to this moment?
Isn't it bewildering how I never think of you, then you are suddenly all I remember?

All I keep thinking is that I am Scarlett O'Hara, standing on the stair landing, calling to you. Telling you I love you. Begging you to stay. You just turn, your Clark Gable sneer. "Frankly, my dear..."

And isn't it tragic?
Isn't it pitiful?

Terminal

A terminal illness has crept into our soul and we only have so long to live.

We spend all of our time thinking about what is going to happen to us.

We are a beautiful hourglass slowly losing all of its sand.
Time is Running Out.

Doomsday is near and I am Andromeda tied to the rock with no Perseus to save me.

Do we move forward?

We certainly can't move backwards. There is no going back and we can't stand
at this impasse forever.

There is no choice, but to move forward.

And what a bitter future lies ahead? What tests that we cannot pass?
What pieces of ourselves must be sacrificed to the heathen gods for just a few moments more?

Is all of this in my head?
Or am I doomed to awaken next to the bones of what could've been beautiful once?

Video Games: A Review

Hello Everyone! Today is Sunshiney Sunday and I am as crazy as ever! In fact, I'm going to "review" some video games just because I've been on a video game kick for about a week now. I've sacrificed like 80 hours to one game in particular, which I'm pretty sure makes me an addict. Just sayin'.

First up is my all time favorite video game (I'll blog about other video games as I play them), partially because of the game itself and partially because it was the first video game I actually wanted to try (after watching Donnie play it for a couple of weeks after we started dating).

BioShock!


BioShock is set in an underwater city called Rapture during the 1960's. Rapture is the brain child of Andrew Ryan, the worst kind of villain in that he truly believes in his cause. However, as many great civilizations, Rapture has begun to collapse.

"We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us." - Andrew Ryan.

You meet a myriad of villains/people in this game. The most prolific being "Splicers". The splicers are people who have become addicted to genetic modification (Plasmids) and have, in turn, gone completely insane. You use plasmids as well, after gaining "ADAM", which is the key to the genetic modification.

"Plasmids changed everything. They destroyed our bodies, our minds; we couldn't handle it. Best friends butchering one another, babies strangled in cribs... the whole city went to Hell." - Atlas.

"ADAM" is harvested by the "Little Sisters" from the many corpses populating Rapture and you can gain "ADAM" by either saving or harvesting the Little Sisters. Little Sisters are little girls taken by the scientists of Rapture and used to help create more "ADAM" through processes that would be Spoilerific.

"Look, Mr. Bubbles. It's an angel! I can see light coming from his belly." - Little Sister.

A couple really cool facts about this game
A good portion of the game is based on Ayn Rand, Randian Philosophy and Objectivism. Andrew Ryan is a male personification of Ayn Rand, Frank Fontaine's name is taken from her book "The Fountainhead" and Atlas' name is taken from her other book "Atlas Shrugged".

To use plasmids you must use "EVE" hypos, the counterpart to "ADAM".

BioShock was originally going to be about a "cult deprogrammer" (according to Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BioShock#Development). Reading what Wiki has to say, I would totally play a game like that and I hope someone follows that idea soon!

You can totally spot Pac-Man, play guitar, catch a creepy glimpse of a Little Sister, see Jack's (your character) face and spot Ayn Rand's face.

Amanda

Your song of the day is from Spain! It is by a group called D*Nash and the song is called Amanda!! I love this song! My darling Phil introduced me to it and I have been hopelessly addicted ever since. So, if you are intrigued by music from around the globe here is your chance to listen to some. Enjoy!

The Day the Earth was Supposed to End

Yesterday the world was supposed to end. Jesus was supposed to come back and rapture a bunch of the faithful home. After that who knows? Zombie Apocolaypse? All I know is that it didn't happen.

Some guy predicted this because of supposed events in tandem with the Bible's description of said events, numerology and the belief that he could figure it out all on his own, even though the Bible says,

* Matthew chapter 24, verse 36:
"But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only."

* Matthew chapter 24, verse 42:
"Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come."

* 1st Thessalonians chapter 5, verse 2:
"For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night."

For years, generations before us have believed that the world was about to come to an end. Every generation has been outlived by the world they claimed would end. Why would this be anything different? And why would Jesus (and Paul) say "of that day and hour knoweth no man" only to be proved a liar by some random guy on the news? God is perfect, according to the Bible, so how can he lie? Lying is a sin, as listed in the 10 commandmants, and God is perfect and without sin.

Therefore, anyone claiming to know the day and the hour is obviously lying, because the Bible says that God cannot lie, because he is perfect and He already said that no man may know the day or time!

Anyway, this kind of thing really bugs me. People claiming to be Christians and claiming to know the scriptures make complete fools of themselves and everyone that believes them. When I was a Christian that made me mad because I felt like it made all of us look bad. Not going to lie, but it still makes Christians look bad, even though I'm not one now.

How is it that at 22 years old, not having been a "Christian" for a few years now, I still know more than some 80-something year old man who claims he knows when the rapture is supposed to happen? How does that make any sense?

To anyone who actually believed this all I have to say is, as my, very wise, Aunt Peggy said to me:
"Time all fools were dead, don't you feel sick?"

An Experiment in Flavors = FAIL

So the other day I was hanging out with Fawn and Pomegranate. Yep, that's right. I typed POMEGRANATE. As in, Pomme and I are now back on speaking terms. Which is good, because I did miss hanging out with her.

Anyway, we were at a local cafe which just so happens to be a non-profit cafe that donates all of its proceeds to different foundations around the world.

This cafe happens to serve Gelato which is kind of like a thick Ice Cream. One of the flavors they had for said gelato was Chocolate Bacon. That's right, CHOCOLATE BACON! As in there were bacon bits in my Italian Ice Cream! IT didn't taste good. Luckily I didn't buy it, I only sampled. And immediately afterward I had to sample something else to get the horrendous taste of chocolate flavored bacon (or was it bacon flavored chocolate?) out of my mouth. Yuck!

So note to self: Never order a Chocolate Bacon Gelato. EVER.

Tunak Tunak Tun

Today's song is Indian. I am, once again, trying to broaden my musical horizons and this is what I came up with! Donnie has been asking me to post this for a few days now and admittedly, I've been meaning to!

This song is sung by Daler Mehndi, who is just awesome. I mean, just look at him!

Doesn't he just scream awesome?

"Tunak Tunak Tun" was released in 1998 and was, apparently, the first music video in India to use the technology of Blue screen (also known as Green Screen and Chroma Key). It has become not only popular in India, but a cult hit in various other countries around the world and an Internet meme.

So, for your viewing and listening pleasure, here is Tunak Tunak Tun by Daler Mehndi.

Moments

These are moments I'll remember (and some I'll cherish) forever. I'm trying to savor all of these moments. I'm trying to live like I am dying. Enjoy everything, do everything. No more hesitating!

Breaking into a disco dance session at the stop light with Kid and L.E.D.

Coming up with reasons why the bunny stopped right in the middle of the road so that L.E.D almost hit it. (The bunny lost its bunny job and its wife left, so it had nothing left to live for; its life long dream was to be bunny stew; and it was emo)

Slow dancing with Donnie, in our bedroom, to a song that isn't even romantic.

Talking with Rick, from work, and L.E.D for an hour and half in front of a restaurant on the square.

Standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial for the first time and realizing just how small I really am.

Drooling over Gackt with Donnie.

Feeling pretty for the first time in a long time.

Singing "Good Morning" from "Singing in the Rain" at work, even though it wasn't morning anymore.

Riding in the car on a beautiful day with Kid, where we don't talk but just enjoy the beauty of nature.

Finally getting my GED.

Putting the wrong zip code for my address on the love letter I mailed to Donnie.

Joking about going to the "gangbang" while completely lost with Phil, my brother and Eric.

My sister saying "I'm a sucker for penis" in front of my mother on Mother's Day. The look on my mom's face was also quite priceless.

Meeting my best internet friend in real life.

Realizing that I am who I am and I want to be that person.

The look on Donnie's face when "Judas" by Lady Gaga came on.

Going to the movies with my friends.

Walking to work on a beautiful day, Starbucks Frappuccino in hand, and the complete feeling of contentment.

Making my favorite waiter literally run away from my table because I embarrassed the hell out of him, again.

Being the bigger person in an argument with a willfully ignorant person.

Re-discovering Mark Twain.

Buttering my face after losing my bet with Donnie.

Finally sending that letter to Barack Obama that I've always wanted to send. And realizing that he will NEVER actually read it!

Sending random cards to the people I love, the people I don't know and the people I admire.

Listening to the same part of "Nothing Else Matters" by Apocalyptica over and over and over as loudly as I can. Also, rocking out on the air cello!

Writing my Bucket List.

Several beautiful, unique and out of the blue weddings.

Getting story ideas from some weird and messed up nightmares.

L.E.D and Kid rolling me down the parking lot while I was trashed.

Getting trapped on the tire swing (in my beautiful dress) at L.E.D's graduation party because my feet couldn't touch the ground.

L.E.D, Kid and I all sitting on the swings, even though Kid was in the baby one!

L.E.D's graduation.

Sipping Eggnog Chai with Fawn.

Getting hit on by a random guy in a white SUV with my soon to be sister-in-law.

Discovering that May is Zombie Appreciation Month.

The talking red hamster!

Zombie Appreciation Month

Yep, that's right. Not only is May Asian-Pacific American Heritage Month it is also *que music* Zombie Appreciation Month!

For those readers that are differently alive out there here is a song just for you!


Also, for all you health conscious undead out there here are a few pictures to help you sort out what you should eat and what you shouldn't.



For a zombie with a sweet tooth left, try this yummy brains cupcake on for size!




Now, some quotes about Zombies (and one from a Zombie!).

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
- Rodney Dangerfield

I used to lie in bed in my flat and imagine what would happen if there was a zombie attack.
- Simon Pegg

"Get that damn screwdriver out of my head!"
- Zombie (from "Return of the Living Dead Part Two")

And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
- George Carlin

The purpose of man's life...is to become an abject zombie who serves a purpose he does not know, for reasons he is not to question.
- Ayn Rand

A really funny poem about Zombies that I found on a website called AllPoetry.com.

Unicorns VS Zombies
A luscious coat, a fiery eye,
creatures lashing out like a storm in the sky.
Hoof-beats of thunder, lightning reflexes
an ominous call that aptly perplexes...

Known mostly for beauty, rarely their power,
o'er many foes a unicorn will tower;
a flash of silver is all to be seen
before from your bones your flesh they will glean...

But only if you're mean.



Ravenous idiots claw at your face
intentions weak and strength displaced.
They'll gnaw on your skull, seeming irate
but rotten gums can hardly seal in your fate.

They're slow and they're lonely, communicate not.
Can't get anywhere fast and don't know a whole lot.
Making noises that sound like their mouth is still shut
claiming that upon brains they're going to glut...

Unicorns totally kick zombie-butt.

A love poem for a Zombie!

Zombie Love Song (even cooler, it is a Haiku Zombie love poem!)
You are my desire.
Eating your luscious love thoughts
My Junk Just Dropped Off
- Christopher Moore(author of You Suck: A Love Story)

Warning: Zombies can (and often will) eat, disfigure, harm, chase, fall in love with, marry, kill, hunt and/or choose you at any time. You should always keep your shotguns handy and always aim for the head. If, for whatever reason, one of your family, friends, acquaintances, enemies and/or unknown clowns is eaten, disfigured, harmed, chased, in love with, married to, killed, hunted and/or chosen by a zombie feel free to aim for the head. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Yes, life with zombies is like Monopoly.

This warning was brought to you by the Mothers Against Zombies Coalition of Southern Nowhere (MAZCSN).

Thank You for reading and remember, do your part and appreciate a zombie by doing it a favor and sending it back to the grave!

Ever

In celebration of my blog reaching 800 views (no small feat since I've had this thing forever!) I am posting my newest favorite song by God. I mean Gackt! Not only is Gackt God, but he is the sex as well. Tee hee!

Anyway, now that I'm done drooling *wipes mouth*, okay maybe not quite done. Also, Gackt is my Asian Pacific American Heritage Month person of the day. Even though he isn't from America. Which is something I kind of hate about this politically correct stuff, it limits us to learning about only people who were "Americans", not anyone else. What about Nelson Mandela? Or one of the Emperors of China? Being politically correct limits our hero choices. But enough of that tangent, Gackt is my person of the day. Go Gackt!

Ever - Gackt

Judas

I haven't really been liking some of Lady Gaga's newest music. I am definitely not a fan of "Born this Way" and I didn't really like "Judas" the first time I heard it, but I'm a sucker for her videos so I decided to give the new "Judas" video a chance. I actually kind of liked it. Well, some of it. As per usual, a good portion of it didn't make sense.

Judas is an interesting character in the Bible, being the ultimate betrayer of Christ. After his betrayal the Bible says that he killed himself. There is a lot of symbolism in the video related to Christ's relationship to Judas, including the kiss of doom. Christ is the hot leader of a motorcycle gang in the video, with a golden crown of thorn appropriately placed on his head. I am leaning towards Gaga being Mary Magdalene mostly due to her actions through out the video. Her continous following of Jesus, the foot washing scene, so forth.

A couple other reasons would be the lyrics themselves. She refers to herself as a fame hooker, prostitute wench. Though Gaga, like many others, is under the false impression that Mary was a prostitute, even though there is no actual biblical evidence of this. She also mentions washing his feet with her hair, which is something Mary did.

Though, she is referring to Judas. Not Jesus. Mary of Magdalene did all of this for Jesus Christ. Not Judas. All in all, it is quite an interesting video full of symbolism realted to the biblical tales surrounding Jesus and Judas. If you are interested I would suggest Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. In the meantime, while you are searching for that Bible you never use, give a listen to "Judas" by Lady Gaga.

Mark Twain

After searching for a particular Mark Twain quote (see previous blog) I read through several more of his quotations and have discovered that Mark Twain was a genius. I knew that he was a wonderful writer (I loved "Tom Sawyer"), but had never really read some of the quotes he has. They are magnificent! He has such wit and intelligence, that indeed, I think he may be a god. It was like being a parched and dying man in the desert suddenly finding a wealth of water he hadn't noticed before. That is just how I feel now, as if I am suddenly full of fresh water that I had not known was in existence.

My solution to this? I'm going to borrow a bunch of Mark Twain books. And I'm going to post several quotes that I found by this remarkable and wonderful man, who had gone quite under-appreciated by me. I'm sorry Mark Twain, I owe you a cookie! Also, I'm thinking of making him a deity. We need a religion based on Mark Twain's words. We should call it Twainism!

"I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison."

"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

"Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."

"In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them." (I agree completely!)

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?" (This is something I used to worry about as a child. I never understood why we weren't supposed to pray for Satan, when the Bible says that we should pray for our enemies. Not only that, but couldn't Satan be saved? He was an angel once? But then you get into the "unforgivable sin", which who even understands what that is?)

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" (Funny thing, I know exactly where almost all these references are in the Bible)

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

"Life is short, Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret ANYTHING
That makes you smile." (did not know that Mark Twain said this, but I have always appreciated this bit of wisdom.)

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

"I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone. -Letter to Joseph Twichell, 9/13/1898" (I'm not entirely sure why Mr. Twain didn't like Jane Austen, but he didn't like her much because he talks about her a lot!)

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."

"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."

"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

"The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

"When angry, count four. When very angry, swear."

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much." (Have to love a man that appreciates cats!)

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

"Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most."

"Denial is much more then an Egyptian River."

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats."

"We are all stupid, just on different subjects"

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

"There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he less savage than the other savages."

"There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy."

"Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you." (I'm thinking about all this stupidity over Obama's birth certificate!)

"If we were supposed to talk more than listen we would have been given two mouths and one ear."

"[The Bible] has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies."

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."

"My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine.(Fortunately) Everybody drinks water."

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often."

"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."

"We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race." (All the ridiculous people who run their mouths about things they don't even know or understand, I am looking at you right now!)

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." (Sorry to everyone that actually enjoys golfing!)

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"The Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated."

"If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian." (Very true!)

"Unconsciously we all have a standard by which we measure other men, and if we examine closely we find that this standard is a very simple one, and is this: we admire them, we envy them, for great qualities we ourselves lack. Hero worship consists in just that. Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes."

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." (YUCK!)

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

"We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents."

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

"Don't wake up a woman in love. Let her dream, so that she does not weep when she returns to her bitter reality"

"I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream... I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people's tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting."

"A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies."

"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopt."

"Peace by persuasion has a pleasant sound, but I think we should not be able to work it. We should have to tame the human race first, and history seems to show that that cannot be done."

A Letter to Stupidity

Dear Stupid/racist people that I am ashamed to call my friends,

It is days like today that make me wonder why I am friends with you. I seriously cannot even begin to comprehend what would make you say the stupid and racist things you say on Facebook. I cannot understand what possesses you when you let yourself practically vomit stupidity all over your page. Did your hands break as you were typing to create that heinous dribble that you call intellect?

Or is it your mind that has taken leave of itself? You write the worst conspiracy theories I could even imagine. Even a child would know that you were preaching trash! You call yourself a Godly Christian, then write some seriously disturbing rhetoric about the President and the United States. I am behind you saying the US sucks. For all intents and purposes it truly does. It is a terrible country, one built on blood and double standards and lies. I do not disagree with that point.

At least place the blame on the correct shoulders! "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." As the wonderful Mark Twain once said. Instead of just allowing whatever inane, insane, ridiculous, stupid and unsupportable dribble come out of your mouth and onto the computer screen, do the world a favor and shut up! Try to learn before you speak! When you present something, be prepared to show proofs as well, because I am tired of seeing this on social networking sites!

We go to these sites to bitch about our bad day at work or to celebrate something good, to share what moves us and what makes us smile. We also come to discuss different politics and religions, but that doesn't mean that as soon as we begin a discussion we start screaming like apes loose in the jungle! We are human beings and should learn to act as such. We are not children, we are adults, so let's act like that! Let's try to be mature every now and then, shall we?

In the meantime, I am going to continue to ignore your absurdity.

Sincerely,
Me.

Postscript: It is hard to write a scathing letter when you are being enveloped by beautiful cello music.

A Song and a Half

So the song of the day is in Japanese, but I really like it. And surprisingly NOT because it is some hot Japanese guy. It isn't a guy at all! I like it because it reminds me of some music I used to listen to with my older sister back in the early 2000's and the late 90's. Anyway here it is in glorious TECHNICOLOR! *just kidding*



That's all for now, more later, hopefully.