I've never cried over a wedding before. This had me crying hard. So beautiful. Love is so beautiful. In every way!
Showing posts with label december. Show all posts
Showing posts with label december. Show all posts
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Trying.
Marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. If you love someone you have to work at your relationship with them.
I once wrote a blog about Love. It's one of the few things I am very proud of, actually, because I wrote about what I see as a basic truth. You have to give all the parts of yourself to a relationship before you can truly have a relationship. So, what happens after you are in love?
That's when the work begins. Being in love is so much harder than most people realize. It's easy to play at love when you think there is no work to it. Its easy to use someone and play with their feelings. It takes real strength of character to make a relationship last.
I feel like this is what this video is about by P!nk. It's a good video. I don't like the song as much as some of her other's, but I adore this video because it is about working through the shit and working through the hard and the terrible and trying even when you feel like giving up.
Where there is a flame someone is bound to be burned.
I once wrote a blog about Love. It's one of the few things I am very proud of, actually, because I wrote about what I see as a basic truth. You have to give all the parts of yourself to a relationship before you can truly have a relationship. So, what happens after you are in love?
That's when the work begins. Being in love is so much harder than most people realize. It's easy to play at love when you think there is no work to it. Its easy to use someone and play with their feelings. It takes real strength of character to make a relationship last.
I feel like this is what this video is about by P!nk. It's a good video. I don't like the song as much as some of her other's, but I adore this video because it is about working through the shit and working through the hard and the terrible and trying even when you feel like giving up.
Where there is a flame someone is bound to be burned.
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Dream State
I had the coolest/weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that:
Bette Davis was Wonder Woman, except she had a better costume and a cooler weapon. Instead of the lasso of truth, she had an electrical whip. She was AMAZING.
Her outfit kind of looked like this except it had more gold, a darker red, no blue and it had sleeves. Plus she wore a golden headband in her blonde hair. She was SO pretty.
She had teamed up with Batman, who was played by Errol Flynn in this dream, to save these lovely young women from the Penguin. I can't remember who played the Penguin, but it was very interesting.
So Bette Davis/Wonder Woman is whipping at the bad guys with her electrical whip until one of them suddenly knocks her down and takes it. Then, while she and Batman/Errol Flynn are being whipped Spiderman shows up and shoots a compound web into the ocean (did I mention this was a Mountain Cave hideout overlooking the ocean? No? Well, that's where they were) and sets the lovely ladies on it like a zipline to safety. That is until they hit the water. Being stupid, apparently, they just keep riding the compound web down to the ocean floor, where they almost drown.
I'm super sad that there is no way this could be made into a movie, because Errol Flynn as Batman and Bette Davis as Wonder Woman is the BEST. THING. EVER!
It sucks not being able to record one's dreams!
Bette Davis was Wonder Woman, except she had a better costume and a cooler weapon. Instead of the lasso of truth, she had an electrical whip. She was AMAZING.
Her outfit kind of looked like this except it had more gold, a darker red, no blue and it had sleeves. Plus she wore a golden headband in her blonde hair. She was SO pretty.
She had teamed up with Batman, who was played by Errol Flynn in this dream, to save these lovely young women from the Penguin. I can't remember who played the Penguin, but it was very interesting.
So Bette Davis/Wonder Woman is whipping at the bad guys with her electrical whip until one of them suddenly knocks her down and takes it. Then, while she and Batman/Errol Flynn are being whipped Spiderman shows up and shoots a compound web into the ocean (did I mention this was a Mountain Cave hideout overlooking the ocean? No? Well, that's where they were) and sets the lovely ladies on it like a zipline to safety. That is until they hit the water. Being stupid, apparently, they just keep riding the compound web down to the ocean floor, where they almost drown.
I'm super sad that there is no way this could be made into a movie, because Errol Flynn as Batman and Bette Davis as Wonder Woman is the BEST. THING. EVER!
It sucks not being able to record one's dreams!
The Girl in the Head Scarf
Up until now I have been keeping this to myself, but a few things recently have really made me think and when I think I have to write. So here it is.
I have recently converted to Islam. Or, at the very least, attempted to. I'm not very good at it, in my personal opinion. Of course, I've always been a little too independent for religion to begin with. I don't think I was a very good Christian either. So far, in my religious experiences I seem to have made a much better Atheist. Beside the point of course.
The biggest part of my conversion is my searching for something to believe in. I may be a Muslim forever, I may revert back to Atheism. I may decide to practice Judaism. Allah alone knows the answer to that. And I truly believe He knows the answer.
Does this seem very odd? I'm sure it does. With all the times I have ranted against God it seems silly to have this "eleventh hour" conversion. I'll admit that it seems odd to me as well, considering that I truly believe God and Allah are the same being. I refuse to attempt to explain it really. I have just decided this is the path I'm going to try and I'm going with it.
This also explains why I have been posting a few different things about racism recently. Because this is something I've been experience since I started wearing the hijab. Yes, I am wearing the hijab as part of my conversion. And something strange happened when I started doing that. I felt more comfortable as myself and everyone around me became more uncomfortable.
Former co-workers have threatened to run me over with their cars, men in Mexican restaurants say not so nice things about my "turban," and, most recently, random strangers drive past me shouting at me that I am a "damn towel-head." Former co-workers have embraced this newest me (as I am constantly evolving), offered to protect me, random strangers have invited me to come and speak with them at Mosque and there has been encouragement. In truth, it has been a bit of a polarizing experience.
I knew there would be resistance. This isn't the first time I have donned the hijab. Though the first time was in high school, in solidarity with a Muslim friend who was run out of town, and as a social experiment. And part of this is a social experiment. Life is a social experiment. Beside the point of course.
I knew that I would find out who my real friends were. Though it has been a bit painful. Some of the people I thought I cared about turned out to be the enemy. But I'm still here. And I am still wearing my hijab.
I've also come to the conclusion that Christians in the US (obviously if you are Christian and reside in another country this doesn't necessarily apply) have NO clue what they are talking about when they speak of "persecution." You've never been persecuted unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. Which is what I'm doing now. It is part of the refining fire, as the Bible says.
I'm scared, but I'm elated. I like pushing the boundaries, but I am afraid to go too far. Am I a freak? I suppose time alone will tell.
I have recently converted to Islam. Or, at the very least, attempted to. I'm not very good at it, in my personal opinion. Of course, I've always been a little too independent for religion to begin with. I don't think I was a very good Christian either. So far, in my religious experiences I seem to have made a much better Atheist. Beside the point of course.
The biggest part of my conversion is my searching for something to believe in. I may be a Muslim forever, I may revert back to Atheism. I may decide to practice Judaism. Allah alone knows the answer to that. And I truly believe He knows the answer.
Does this seem very odd? I'm sure it does. With all the times I have ranted against God it seems silly to have this "eleventh hour" conversion. I'll admit that it seems odd to me as well, considering that I truly believe God and Allah are the same being. I refuse to attempt to explain it really. I have just decided this is the path I'm going to try and I'm going with it.
This also explains why I have been posting a few different things about racism recently. Because this is something I've been experience since I started wearing the hijab. Yes, I am wearing the hijab as part of my conversion. And something strange happened when I started doing that. I felt more comfortable as myself and everyone around me became more uncomfortable.
Former co-workers have threatened to run me over with their cars, men in Mexican restaurants say not so nice things about my "turban," and, most recently, random strangers drive past me shouting at me that I am a "damn towel-head." Former co-workers have embraced this newest me (as I am constantly evolving), offered to protect me, random strangers have invited me to come and speak with them at Mosque and there has been encouragement. In truth, it has been a bit of a polarizing experience.
I knew there would be resistance. This isn't the first time I have donned the hijab. Though the first time was in high school, in solidarity with a Muslim friend who was run out of town, and as a social experiment. And part of this is a social experiment. Life is a social experiment. Beside the point of course.
I knew that I would find out who my real friends were. Though it has been a bit painful. Some of the people I thought I cared about turned out to be the enemy. But I'm still here. And I am still wearing my hijab.
I've also come to the conclusion that Christians in the US (obviously if you are Christian and reside in another country this doesn't necessarily apply) have NO clue what they are talking about when they speak of "persecution." You've never been persecuted unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. Which is what I'm doing now. It is part of the refining fire, as the Bible says.
I'm scared, but I'm elated. I like pushing the boundaries, but I am afraid to go too far. Am I a freak? I suppose time alone will tell.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
A Dragon in the Year of the Dragon
Happy New Year Everyone!
As always, there are many regrets and sweet memories from the previous year and new resolutions for the new year. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year!
When I was younger, my friend, Kendra, and I made lists of all the firsts we did in the New Year. So here is a short list of firsts on this first day of the new year.
First Food eaten: Raspberry Mousse Whipped yogurt
First Drink (non-alcohol): Sam's Choice Cola
First Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
First Phone call made: To my mother.
First kiss received: Exactly at midnight, from my wonderful husband!
First Website visited: Facebook
Super short, I know. What can I say? Its early enough! There is so much day ahead of me!
I also have a short list of resolutions:
- Be completely awesome forever (Thank you, Donnie)
- Finish writing "All of Her"
- Lose weight (always)
- New and Improved Reading Goals (which I'll expound upon in a moment)
- Focus on improving my writing
- Finally get into college!
- Get a new car
- Move (again)
- Spend more time with my sister
- Enjoy life.
New and Improved Reading Goals
All things considered, I actually did really well with my resolution to read more last year. I made it all the way to October before I completely gave up for no apparent reason. The reasoning was actually I was super busy and spaced it mostly. Though I did try to read. However, as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."
The new reading goals are going to be divided by months. Each month will have specific goals to be met regarding reading. So bear with me!
January
- Read 1 book from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book I have had suggested to me.
Total: 3 books.
February
- Read 1 Sci-Fi novel.
- Read 1 Non-fiction.
- Read 1 Historical Fiction.
Total: 3 books.
March
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book that I randomly found at the library.
Total: 4 books.
April
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book my sister suggests.
- Read 1 book my brother suggests.
Total: 4 books.
May
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book that was turned into a movie.
- Read 1 book involving a topic I've never really explored before.
Total: 4 books.
June
- Read as many books as I want. This includes books I've already read.
Total: ?
July
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book of Historical Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book of Historical fiction.
Total: 4 books.
August
- Read 1 book about someone I admire.
- Read 1 book that is a sequel to a book I loved.
- Read 1 book about an animal.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
September
- Read 1 book about something I would I like to do.
- Read 1 book written about someone I hate.
- Read 1 book that I found randomly.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
October
- Read 1 Romance Novel.
- Read 1 Fantasy Novel.
- Read 1 Children's Book.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
November
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Finish 1 book I haven't finished.
- Read 1 book by Ayn Rand.
- Read 1 play by Shakespeare.
Total: 5 books.
December
- Read 1 book about Holidays. Fiction or Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book written 100 years ago.
- Read 1 book by Dr. Seuss.
Total: 3 books.
Approximate Total for 2012: 45 books.
As always, there are many regrets and sweet memories from the previous year and new resolutions for the new year. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year!
When I was younger, my friend, Kendra, and I made lists of all the firsts we did in the New Year. So here is a short list of firsts on this first day of the new year.
First Food eaten: Raspberry Mousse Whipped yogurt
First Drink (non-alcohol): Sam's Choice Cola
First Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
First Phone call made: To my mother.
First kiss received: Exactly at midnight, from my wonderful husband!
First Website visited: Facebook
Super short, I know. What can I say? Its early enough! There is so much day ahead of me!
I also have a short list of resolutions:
- Be completely awesome forever (Thank you, Donnie)
- Finish writing "All of Her"
- Lose weight (always)
- New and Improved Reading Goals (which I'll expound upon in a moment)
- Focus on improving my writing
- Finally get into college!
- Get a new car
- Move (again)
- Spend more time with my sister
- Enjoy life.
New and Improved Reading Goals
All things considered, I actually did really well with my resolution to read more last year. I made it all the way to October before I completely gave up for no apparent reason. The reasoning was actually I was super busy and spaced it mostly. Though I did try to read. However, as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."
The new reading goals are going to be divided by months. Each month will have specific goals to be met regarding reading. So bear with me!
January
- Read 1 book from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book I have had suggested to me.
Total: 3 books.
February
- Read 1 Sci-Fi novel.
- Read 1 Non-fiction.
- Read 1 Historical Fiction.
Total: 3 books.
March
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book that I randomly found at the library.
Total: 4 books.
April
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book my sister suggests.
- Read 1 book my brother suggests.
Total: 4 books.
May
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book that was turned into a movie.
- Read 1 book involving a topic I've never really explored before.
Total: 4 books.
June
- Read as many books as I want. This includes books I've already read.
Total: ?
July
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book of Historical Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book of Historical fiction.
Total: 4 books.
August
- Read 1 book about someone I admire.
- Read 1 book that is a sequel to a book I loved.
- Read 1 book about an animal.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
September
- Read 1 book about something I would I like to do.
- Read 1 book written about someone I hate.
- Read 1 book that I found randomly.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
October
- Read 1 Romance Novel.
- Read 1 Fantasy Novel.
- Read 1 Children's Book.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
November
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Finish 1 book I haven't finished.
- Read 1 book by Ayn Rand.
- Read 1 play by Shakespeare.
Total: 5 books.
December
- Read 1 book about Holidays. Fiction or Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book written 100 years ago.
- Read 1 book by Dr. Seuss.
Total: 3 books.
Approximate Total for 2012: 45 books.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Being Thankful
This is my attempt to not bring everyone down with me.
So I'll make this short and sweet. Or as sweet as possible.
Even though Christmas is one of the worst depictions of Christian hypocrisy and I've long given up on it, today was better than most and for that I'm grateful.
I have many things to be grateful for, though sometimes its hard to remember that.
Two years ago, I was trapped in the hotel for Christmas. A half hour away from my family, away from home. My lower half mangled from that horrific car accident. My wonderful grandmother-in-law, who has stood by my side from the beginning, helped me out for Christmas Eve. She and Donnie helped me, in my wheel chair to her house, only for a couple hours. But it was so worth all the pain and discomfort.
I suppose, when she asked me what the best Christmas present I ever received was, I should've said that moment. When I thought I was going to have to miss Christmas too. When I had already been stuck there since Halloween (and before that two weeks in the hospital). When I was already beginning to lose faith that I would ever get to walk again or go home.
I can walk now. I can drive. I have a job, that I sometimes hate. I even had two jobs. I have recovered farther than anyone thought I would.
And yes, I can't have children because my pelvis won't support a pregnancy.
And yes, I still have nightmares.
And yes, I've never been back to that cemetery.
And yes, I'm being sued by the guy that hit me.
But, I can walk. I can drive. I am still alive. And even when I begin to doubt that I would want to be, I am happy to be alive.
So, this Christmas, if you are feeling down for what reason or another think of this:
You can walk, you are alive. You have a roof, a bed, the internet (or you wouldn't be reading this), food to eat, etc.
You have things to be happy about, even when you think you don't.
This coming from someone who is always down this time of year. This coming from someone who detests the holidays for the memories they bring.
I am thankful.
So I'll make this short and sweet. Or as sweet as possible.
Even though Christmas is one of the worst depictions of Christian hypocrisy and I've long given up on it, today was better than most and for that I'm grateful.
I have many things to be grateful for, though sometimes its hard to remember that.
Two years ago, I was trapped in the hotel for Christmas. A half hour away from my family, away from home. My lower half mangled from that horrific car accident. My wonderful grandmother-in-law, who has stood by my side from the beginning, helped me out for Christmas Eve. She and Donnie helped me, in my wheel chair to her house, only for a couple hours. But it was so worth all the pain and discomfort.
I suppose, when she asked me what the best Christmas present I ever received was, I should've said that moment. When I thought I was going to have to miss Christmas too. When I had already been stuck there since Halloween (and before that two weeks in the hospital). When I was already beginning to lose faith that I would ever get to walk again or go home.
I can walk now. I can drive. I have a job, that I sometimes hate. I even had two jobs. I have recovered farther than anyone thought I would.
And yes, I can't have children because my pelvis won't support a pregnancy.
And yes, I still have nightmares.
And yes, I've never been back to that cemetery.
And yes, I'm being sued by the guy that hit me.
But, I can walk. I can drive. I am still alive. And even when I begin to doubt that I would want to be, I am happy to be alive.
So, this Christmas, if you are feeling down for what reason or another think of this:
You can walk, you are alive. You have a roof, a bed, the internet (or you wouldn't be reading this), food to eat, etc.
You have things to be happy about, even when you think you don't.
This coming from someone who is always down this time of year. This coming from someone who detests the holidays for the memories they bring.
I am thankful.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Carol of the Bells
For those who celebrate Christmas, here is a my favorite Christmas Carol. In three different forms...
The first is by the Trans Siberian Orchestra. As YouTube won't let me embed it, I'm afraid you'll have to follow the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHioIlbnS_A
The second is from Claymation Christmas, which I used to watch religiously since my Memere loved the California raisins, as well as my mother. :D
The third an acapella version by Barlow Girl.
The first is by the Trans Siberian Orchestra. As YouTube won't let me embed it, I'm afraid you'll have to follow the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHioIlbnS_A
The second is from Claymation Christmas, which I used to watch religiously since my Memere loved the California raisins, as well as my mother. :D
The third an acapella version by Barlow Girl.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Eyes Wide Open
But it was like to stop consuming, to stop being human
And why'd I make a change if you won't?
We're all in the same boat
Staying afloat for the moment.
Eyes Wide Open - Gotye
And why'd I make a change if you won't?
We're all in the same boat
Staying afloat for the moment.
Eyes Wide Open - Gotye
Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,
Is it wrong that I feel the way that I do? Is it so wrong that I still feel this way, after years. I've tried to wipe it out with hate and anguish. The anguish remains, but I'm too tired to hate anymore. I'm just sadly angry and angrily sad. Is it fair to feel this way? Should I try to squash it?
Do you know what I want most for Christmas, Santa? I want a family again. I want my grandfather, Memere, Pepere, grandma Bobbi, my dad, I even want Wes and his family back. Just to feel like we were a family again. Just to feel the illusion of love, even for a few moments. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want even the illusion of it again?
But if Wes wanted to be a father, he should've tried harder. If he wanted to be a part of my life he should've tried. I shouldn't have to go to him to make things work. He should've acted like an adult.
I am my mother's daughter first. I am his daughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am his daughter second.
If he couldn't love my mother any longer, couldn't tolerate my brother any longer than he no longer loved or tolerated me. They are a part of me and I am a part of them. I really did love him at one point.
If Carolyn wanted to be my grandmother she should've tried to love my mother, love my brother. She should've tried harder, but I suppose she didn't know how. But that isn't my fault.
I am my mother's daughter first. I am her granddaughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am her granddaughter second.
If she can't accept and love them, then she can't accept and love me. And the saddest thing is that I really did love her. Looked up to her. But I can't tolerate her talking shit about my mother. I won't stand for anyone to talk shit about my mother or my brother or my sister.
Mom, Chris and Hannah are almost all I have really. I have several other relatives, but none that I see on a regular basis. And my mother's husband, Mark, is a nice enough man, but he isn't my father. He never will be. He will always be a nice man that my mother is married to. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with him just being a friend.
I want acceptance for Christmas. I want to believe that Wes actually cared once. Or maybe I don't, because then I'll just blame myself for him not caring any longer.
I'd like to not be so pathetic that I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything that is wrong. I'd like to not be so hung up on missing people that don't care about me. People who don't even think about me, even though I can't stop thinking about them.
I really just want peace on earth, I guess.
But you aren't any more real than the unicorns and mermaids I claim to believe in. You can't solve my problems anymore than I can. And if there is a God, he has long since stopped listening to me. I suppose this is where I should end this then. What's the point, Santa?
If I say I've been a really good girl this year, will that make any difference?
If I say that I've really tried this year, will that make any difference?
I hate you. I truly do. I hate you for not being real. I hate you for being a childhood principality that can't exist in this world. I hate that this is how everything has worked out.
I am too tired to hate you. I'm too tired to hate anyone, anymore.
Sarai.
Is it wrong that I feel the way that I do? Is it so wrong that I still feel this way, after years. I've tried to wipe it out with hate and anguish. The anguish remains, but I'm too tired to hate anymore. I'm just sadly angry and angrily sad. Is it fair to feel this way? Should I try to squash it?
Do you know what I want most for Christmas, Santa? I want a family again. I want my grandfather, Memere, Pepere, grandma Bobbi, my dad, I even want Wes and his family back. Just to feel like we were a family again. Just to feel the illusion of love, even for a few moments. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want even the illusion of it again?
But if Wes wanted to be a father, he should've tried harder. If he wanted to be a part of my life he should've tried. I shouldn't have to go to him to make things work. He should've acted like an adult.
I am my mother's daughter first. I am his daughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am his daughter second.
If he couldn't love my mother any longer, couldn't tolerate my brother any longer than he no longer loved or tolerated me. They are a part of me and I am a part of them. I really did love him at one point.
If Carolyn wanted to be my grandmother she should've tried to love my mother, love my brother. She should've tried harder, but I suppose she didn't know how. But that isn't my fault.
I am my mother's daughter first. I am her granddaughter second.
I am my brother's sister first. I am her granddaughter second.
If she can't accept and love them, then she can't accept and love me. And the saddest thing is that I really did love her. Looked up to her. But I can't tolerate her talking shit about my mother. I won't stand for anyone to talk shit about my mother or my brother or my sister.
Mom, Chris and Hannah are almost all I have really. I have several other relatives, but none that I see on a regular basis. And my mother's husband, Mark, is a nice enough man, but he isn't my father. He never will be. He will always be a nice man that my mother is married to. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with him just being a friend.
I want acceptance for Christmas. I want to believe that Wes actually cared once. Or maybe I don't, because then I'll just blame myself for him not caring any longer.
I'd like to not be so pathetic that I can't sleep because I'm thinking about everything that is wrong. I'd like to not be so hung up on missing people that don't care about me. People who don't even think about me, even though I can't stop thinking about them.
I really just want peace on earth, I guess.
But you aren't any more real than the unicorns and mermaids I claim to believe in. You can't solve my problems anymore than I can. And if there is a God, he has long since stopped listening to me. I suppose this is where I should end this then. What's the point, Santa?
If I say I've been a really good girl this year, will that make any difference?
If I say that I've really tried this year, will that make any difference?
I hate you. I truly do. I hate you for not being real. I hate you for being a childhood principality that can't exist in this world. I hate that this is how everything has worked out.
I am too tired to hate you. I'm too tired to hate anyone, anymore.
Sarai.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Under the Sea
"I once received a bra...with 'I Love John' embroidered on it. I thought it was pretty original. I didn't keep it, mind you - it didn't fit." ~ John Lennon
"Jeweler you've failed!" - John Lennon
"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream." - John Lennon
"I am alive and well and unconcerned about the rumors of my death. But if I were dead, I would be the last to know." - Paul McCartney
"As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead." - George Harrison
"I hope the fans will take up meditation instead of drugs." - Ringo Starr
"I think the French girls are fabulous." - Paul McCartney
“Life goes on within you and without you”
"Jeweler you've failed!" - John Lennon
"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream." - John Lennon
"I am alive and well and unconcerned about the rumors of my death. But if I were dead, I would be the last to know." - Paul McCartney
"As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead." - George Harrison
"I hope the fans will take up meditation instead of drugs." - Ringo Starr
"I think the French girls are fabulous." - Paul McCartney
Did You Ever Know Me?
A time or two ago, ages and ages hence, I was introduced to a song that I fell in love with. It was called "How Do You Tell Someone" by Cowboy Mouth. This was to be the first of a couple of their songs that I like. (Including "Kelly Ripa", which is hilarious, btw!)
And 'tis true, often times it is hard to tell someone that you no longer love them, that you no longer wish to talk to them. That you no longer desire them. Yet, you do still care. Just not in the same way.
Well this song is dedicated to those who no longer love and are no longer loved.
How Do You Tell Someone? - Cowboy Mouth
And 'tis true, often times it is hard to tell someone that you no longer love them, that you no longer wish to talk to them. That you no longer desire them. Yet, you do still care. Just not in the same way.
Well this song is dedicated to those who no longer love and are no longer loved.
How Do You Tell Someone? - Cowboy Mouth
I keep running
I keep running. Never staying in one place, never letting anyone close enough to touch me.
I dream of flying, while tethered to the cruel earth, my feet never stopping their ragged rhythm.
Eventually I will be forced to stop. I can only run so far and so long.
Eventually I will be laid beneath the soil I have tread, forgotten by it.
If only dreaming of flying gave birth to wings.
If only wishes were horses and I, a beggar, could ride.
If only gravity could be defied and wings wished into being, I would fly farther than I can even dream.
I dream of flying, while tethered to the cruel earth, my feet never stopping their ragged rhythm.
Eventually I will be forced to stop. I can only run so far and so long.
Eventually I will be laid beneath the soil I have tread, forgotten by it.
If only dreaming of flying gave birth to wings.
If only wishes were horses and I, a beggar, could ride.
If only gravity could be defied and wings wished into being, I would fly farther than I can even dream.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Confession of a Broken Heart
Having felt like I was abandoned by my father, as a young girl, I relate to this song. And it still has the power to bring me to tears.
Confessions of A Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan
Confessions of A Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan
Video Games anyone?
Yep, I've been distracted by Dragon Age II... My bad! Oh well, I hadn't been playing video games for a while there. I think it is okay to take a little break and actually enjoy myself... Maybe?
My head hurts, my stomach hurts. My whole body aches. And I have two more days of work to look forward to.
Have been looking into buying a house. Yes, friends, a house. With a mortgage and a yard. A little house or a duplex. Haven't decided yet. But we are looking into it. May have found one that we could live with/in. Still hoping to move to Sweden, though we are hoping to go ahead and get a house now and then save (in-between mortgage payments) for a place overseas. The sad thing is, it will be cheaper paying on a mortgage than it will be to keep renting. *shrug*
Is it wrong that I want to start writing little bits of fan-fiction again? Donnie says I'm a dork and that fan-fiction is objectively bad, no matter how well you write it. But I still kind of want to write it again. Especially since I'm playing video games lately.
A BioShock fan-fiction or Dragon Age (II)... Or maybe I'll just stick with silly J-Rock/K-Pop fairy tales... I don't know. Maybe I won't do it at all, but its something I feel the urge to do. Maybe I should do it for the sake of just writing...
I am hoping to apply for college next month *fingers crossed*
The plan is, currently, to double major in Linguistics and English Literature. With the hope that one day (when I have a degree) I can translate works of fiction and non-fiction into various languages so that everyone can enjoy the beauty of literature and reading. That's my dream anyway. I don't know how it will be trying to double major. That is going to suck, mightily. But I am determined! I don't want to be a demo lady at Sam's Club forever!
Plus, this would enable me to continue to write AND read! Maybe I will make it through that massive book list I have going?
I should really go and do laundry now, though I am not looking forward to it. I desperately miss having a washer and dryer!! I never knew how inconvenient it was to have to go out to do your laundry! How can people stand it? I certainly can't!
Have been having interesting conversations about religion with one of my co-workers who is Muslim. I don't know what to think about that either. I think he just wants me to believe in something, versus believing in nothing. But it is hard to explain to him that for years I have felt utterly abandoned by God (the gods/goddesses) and that my life hasn't changed from when I followed Him (or her) with utter abandon. My mother says that God is proofing me for the years to come. That I am being tested so that I can help others through the same things.
I think that is bullshit (Sorry, Mom). I really do. Do I have to go through every horrible thing to be able to sympathize with others? That seems stupid to me. I'm obviously not going to go through everything there is to go through and there are always going to be people who are going through something different from me. I can be sympathetic and there for someone without having to go through it myself!
Granted, the list of tragedies and atrocities is long in my short life. But I seriously doubt that whomever exists out there is keeping track just so I can "minister" to someone later.
I also hate the holidays. They are never very happy for me. And I wish we could skip over them. I do appreciate the break from work, however, so I suppose that is something.
I am rambling, skipping from topic to topic... Oh well. You guys love me anyway right?
Enough randomness for now,
love,
Sarai
My head hurts, my stomach hurts. My whole body aches. And I have two more days of work to look forward to.
Have been looking into buying a house. Yes, friends, a house. With a mortgage and a yard. A little house or a duplex. Haven't decided yet. But we are looking into it. May have found one that we could live with/in. Still hoping to move to Sweden, though we are hoping to go ahead and get a house now and then save (in-between mortgage payments) for a place overseas. The sad thing is, it will be cheaper paying on a mortgage than it will be to keep renting. *shrug*
Is it wrong that I want to start writing little bits of fan-fiction again? Donnie says I'm a dork and that fan-fiction is objectively bad, no matter how well you write it. But I still kind of want to write it again. Especially since I'm playing video games lately.
A BioShock fan-fiction or Dragon Age (II)... Or maybe I'll just stick with silly J-Rock/K-Pop fairy tales... I don't know. Maybe I won't do it at all, but its something I feel the urge to do. Maybe I should do it for the sake of just writing...
I am hoping to apply for college next month *fingers crossed*
The plan is, currently, to double major in Linguistics and English Literature. With the hope that one day (when I have a degree) I can translate works of fiction and non-fiction into various languages so that everyone can enjoy the beauty of literature and reading. That's my dream anyway. I don't know how it will be trying to double major. That is going to suck, mightily. But I am determined! I don't want to be a demo lady at Sam's Club forever!
Plus, this would enable me to continue to write AND read! Maybe I will make it through that massive book list I have going?
I should really go and do laundry now, though I am not looking forward to it. I desperately miss having a washer and dryer!! I never knew how inconvenient it was to have to go out to do your laundry! How can people stand it? I certainly can't!
Have been having interesting conversations about religion with one of my co-workers who is Muslim. I don't know what to think about that either. I think he just wants me to believe in something, versus believing in nothing. But it is hard to explain to him that for years I have felt utterly abandoned by God (the gods/goddesses) and that my life hasn't changed from when I followed Him (or her) with utter abandon. My mother says that God is proofing me for the years to come. That I am being tested so that I can help others through the same things.
I think that is bullshit (Sorry, Mom). I really do. Do I have to go through every horrible thing to be able to sympathize with others? That seems stupid to me. I'm obviously not going to go through everything there is to go through and there are always going to be people who are going through something different from me. I can be sympathetic and there for someone without having to go through it myself!
Granted, the list of tragedies and atrocities is long in my short life. But I seriously doubt that whomever exists out there is keeping track just so I can "minister" to someone later.
I also hate the holidays. They are never very happy for me. And I wish we could skip over them. I do appreciate the break from work, however, so I suppose that is something.
I am rambling, skipping from topic to topic... Oh well. You guys love me anyway right?
Enough randomness for now,
love,
Sarai
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A Romeo and Juliet Complex
What is so romantic about Romeo and Juliet? I mean, seriously, why do we think of that as being the epitome of tragic romance? Romeo and Juliet's love is so pure, so innocent, so perfectly tragic.
Is it because they die to be together? Is that something we should strive for? Dying together? It adds a new dimension to "'til death do us part", I suppose. However, that brings me to another question.
Is love worth dying for?
Not that I'm knocking love, because it is great to be in love. I love my husband with everything I have inside of me. And I would die for him. If it came down to his life or mine, I'd gladly give mine up. Because I love him.
But that is a little different than killing yourself for someone, I think.
If Donnie died, I would be devastated. Would I kill myself? Would life be completely and totally without meaning after he was gone from it? I'd like to believe that I would continue living, if only because I know that he would want me to. I know that he wouldn't want me to end my life, just because he was gone. Besides that, it is such a waste of life.
Suicide in general, is such a waste of life. I'm not saying that to be harsh. I understand, better than most, the thoughts and the terrible anguish that can often drive one to committing what the Catholics call "the unforgivable sin." But suicide is selfish as well, even if you think you are doing it for the "right reason" (not that there are any 'right reasons' for killing yourself).
And speaking of selfishness, is it selfish to continue living when the person you were madly and truly in love with passes on? Is it selfish to want to continue to live when that person is gone?
Shakespeare was a genius, I will give him that. He created the perfect story, one that still has power after so many years. But the power is more in that we misinterpret it.
Yes, Romeo and Juliet were in love. Yes, they killed themselves to be together.
But Romeo was just "in love" with another girl. Rosalind. And Juliet is thirteen, what the hell does she know about love? I guess, even though it is one of my favorite plays, Romeo and Juliet are really just two teenagers who have an instant attraction to one another. So much so that they decide to get married. Which is really stupid, considering that Juliet is engaged. And not to Romeo.
Then, because Romeo kills Juliet's cousin (which, I don't know about you, but that would kill any romance for me. If Donnie killed one of my cousins I'd be damn upset!) he gets banished. This is where Juliet should've come clean. She doesn't, pretends to be dead and then ends up really dead after Romeo thinks she's dead and offs himself.
To be fair though, Juliet's dying monologue is beautifully written and one of my favorite passages from the play.
"What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips.
Haply some posion yet doth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.
Thy lips are warm!
Yea, noise?
Then I'll be brief.
O happy dagger!
This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die."
It is a beautiful and tragic play. Teenaged love, murder, suicide, secret weddings and ridiculous family feuds.
I have rambled enough, I think. I never did actually answer my own question... Why do we think that Romeo and Juliet is romantic? I don't know.
Because we think that it is true love? Because we think there is nothing purer than the love two star-crossed lovers (aka: stupid teenagers) have for each other? Something to think about, I guess.
Is it because they die to be together? Is that something we should strive for? Dying together? It adds a new dimension to "'til death do us part", I suppose. However, that brings me to another question.
Not that I'm knocking love, because it is great to be in love. I love my husband with everything I have inside of me. And I would die for him. If it came down to his life or mine, I'd gladly give mine up. Because I love him.
But that is a little different than killing yourself for someone, I think.
If Donnie died, I would be devastated. Would I kill myself? Would life be completely and totally without meaning after he was gone from it? I'd like to believe that I would continue living, if only because I know that he would want me to. I know that he wouldn't want me to end my life, just because he was gone. Besides that, it is such a waste of life.
Suicide in general, is such a waste of life. I'm not saying that to be harsh. I understand, better than most, the thoughts and the terrible anguish that can often drive one to committing what the Catholics call "the unforgivable sin." But suicide is selfish as well, even if you think you are doing it for the "right reason" (not that there are any 'right reasons' for killing yourself).
And speaking of selfishness, is it selfish to continue living when the person you were madly and truly in love with passes on? Is it selfish to want to continue to live when that person is gone?
Shakespeare was a genius, I will give him that. He created the perfect story, one that still has power after so many years. But the power is more in that we misinterpret it.
Yes, Romeo and Juliet were in love. Yes, they killed themselves to be together.
But Romeo was just "in love" with another girl. Rosalind. And Juliet is thirteen, what the hell does she know about love? I guess, even though it is one of my favorite plays, Romeo and Juliet are really just two teenagers who have an instant attraction to one another. So much so that they decide to get married. Which is really stupid, considering that Juliet is engaged. And not to Romeo.
Then, because Romeo kills Juliet's cousin (which, I don't know about you, but that would kill any romance for me. If Donnie killed one of my cousins I'd be damn upset!) he gets banished. This is where Juliet should've come clean. She doesn't, pretends to be dead and then ends up really dead after Romeo thinks she's dead and offs himself.
To be fair though, Juliet's dying monologue is beautifully written and one of my favorite passages from the play.
"What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips.
Haply some posion yet doth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.
Thy lips are warm!
Yea, noise?
Then I'll be brief.
O happy dagger!
This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die."
It is a beautiful and tragic play. Teenaged love, murder, suicide, secret weddings and ridiculous family feuds.
I have rambled enough, I think. I never did actually answer my own question... Why do we think that Romeo and Juliet is romantic? I don't know.
Because we think that it is true love? Because we think there is nothing purer than the love two star-crossed lovers (aka: stupid teenagers) have for each other? Something to think about, I guess.
A Dragon's Age (Or Two)
As many of you know, I love video games. Not a lot, I'm rather picky about the ones I play, but I do enjoy playing. Especially "Dragon Age" and "Dragon Age II". And the biggest reason for this? I enjoy the game play, I enjoy the characters. But I love the romance.
Yep, I love the romantic aspects of those two games. Too which Donnie always rolls his eyes. He says that it is dorky, it is silly, it is awkward. But I can't help it. I have had so few romantic encounters in my lifetime, that I really do enjoy little romances in books and video games. Or tv shows. And when I'm inspired by their romances I want to write stories about it.
Yes, I admit it. I have written a couple of fanfics in my time. The two largest being "J-Rock Wizard of Oz" (which you have all read, I'm sure! ;P) and one I wrote when I was fifteen involving myself, my friend Jo, my friend Ethan and the characters from the Lord of the Rings. And that may also have involved a little romance between myself and Eomer... Okay, it did.
Is it wrong that these things inspire me to write timid little fanfics?
Okay, one of my fanfics may not have been so timid... I may or may not have written a smutty love scene between Qui-Gon Jinn and a twi'lek when I was sixteen. May or may not.
And now that I've gone off on that rather uncomfortable tangent, back to the topic at hand.
Erm... what was the topic? *scrolls up* Oh right! Video games and Dragon Age(s). I accidentally came across a cosplay of Morrigan (DA 1) on Deviant Art (dA) and this in turn led me to an interesting group that is devoted to Dragon Age(I & II). Mostly it was pictures. Including a few uncomfortable ones involving characters that are decidedly not that sexy.
After saving a bunch of hilarious pictures for Donnie (he likes looking at crazy fan-art), I wandered over to YouTube to get a song for today. Well, lo & behold there is a cute little video of Merrill and Fenris (two characters from the DA 2, Fenris is HOT!) having a little conversation about how Fenris is in love with Hawke (the player character). I couldn't resist opening it and watching it, even though I've had this dialogue before when I was actually PLAYING the game. And, because I enjoy tormenting you all with my eclectic tastes and what not, here is said video. I'll get the music later! :P
"But your face might crack if you smile, so be careful"
Yep, I love the romantic aspects of those two games. Too which Donnie always rolls his eyes. He says that it is dorky, it is silly, it is awkward. But I can't help it. I have had so few romantic encounters in my lifetime, that I really do enjoy little romances in books and video games. Or tv shows. And when I'm inspired by their romances I want to write stories about it.
Yes, I admit it. I have written a couple of fanfics in my time. The two largest being "J-Rock Wizard of Oz" (which you have all read, I'm sure! ;P) and one I wrote when I was fifteen involving myself, my friend Jo, my friend Ethan and the characters from the Lord of the Rings. And that may also have involved a little romance between myself and Eomer... Okay, it did.
Is it wrong that these things inspire me to write timid little fanfics?
Okay, one of my fanfics may not have been so timid... I may or may not have written a smutty love scene between Qui-Gon Jinn and a twi'lek when I was sixteen. May or may not.
And now that I've gone off on that rather uncomfortable tangent, back to the topic at hand.
Erm... what was the topic? *scrolls up* Oh right! Video games and Dragon Age(s). I accidentally came across a cosplay of Morrigan (DA 1) on Deviant Art (dA) and this in turn led me to an interesting group that is devoted to Dragon Age(I & II). Mostly it was pictures. Including a few uncomfortable ones involving characters that are decidedly not that sexy.
After saving a bunch of hilarious pictures for Donnie (he likes looking at crazy fan-art), I wandered over to YouTube to get a song for today. Well, lo & behold there is a cute little video of Merrill and Fenris (two characters from the DA 2, Fenris is HOT!) having a little conversation about how Fenris is in love with Hawke (the player character). I couldn't resist opening it and watching it, even though I've had this dialogue before when I was actually PLAYING the game. And, because I enjoy tormenting you all with my eclectic tastes and what not, here is said video. I'll get the music later! :P
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Christianity/Islam Dichotomy.
I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today. A co-worker I admire, I might add. Our conversation involved religion. Always a testy conversation to have, even with close friends and family members.
But today I saw the beauty of someone who actually follows their religion and embraces others of differing faiths. As well as this astounding revelation:
Islam and Christianity are the same religion.
Well, two of sides of the same coin, anyway. The differences are few, actually. Having read the Qur'an and the Bible, I can assure you that the differences are few. Both have violence. Both have verses implying that women are not equal to men. Both have love and patience and rules. Both encourage the following of the One True God.
God is Allah. Allah is God. I even had a Muslim (said co-worker) tell me that Christians are believers, because they follow the one true God. They just have a different prophet of God. I had a friend in high school who was Muslim and she said the same thing to me once.
Jesus is a prophet of God. A servant and great man. I remember how I was stunned by her belief that Jesus and Mohammed were both great prophets of God/Allah.
"Christians," she said, were to be respected. "They came from Abraham's other son Isaac. We come from Ishmael." We are all children of Abraham. All children of God. All sons and daughters of Allah. The Bible is also a holy book, one to be respected and treated as the Qur'an. They are to be held to one's heart, never one's side. Never to touch the floor or to be set in a place below one's waist.
So when the ignorant tell me that Islam restrains women, forces them to be subservient, I point out verses from the Bible where they do the same thing. When they talk of bombings and ji-had, I point out the Christians bombing abortion clinics. I point out all the times we have murdered and butchered in the name of God. Every religion has their radicals (excepting Buddhism, but that is because its is based on peace and acceptance).
I would also like to point out that I have never been disrespected by a Muslim man. In fact, I have only ever been treated with respect and kindness, where as I've been called a whore and practically spat upon by a Christian man. That the Muslim women I've met are proud to wear the burqa, the naqib, the hijab, etc. They truly believe in their religion and being modest, keeping themselves pure and set apart for Allah and their husband. Which is what we, as Christians, are supposed to be doing. Do we do this? Nope.
Of course, as you will in any situation, there are rebellious people. People who lose their faith and change their minds. People who no longer fit into the mold of the religion they "belong" to. Does this apply to every religion? YES!
Are there Muslims who will disagree with everything I just said? Absolutely.
Are there Christians who will disagree with everything I just said? I would be disappointed if they didn't.
To quote myself (from a post on my facebook):
"We preach Islam as being intolerant, but really we need to take a look in the mirror. When a Muslim man tells me that, as a Christian, I am a follower of the one true God and I am to be blessed, I know that everyone else is just being intolerant."
And in my mind, that is all there is to be said.
But today I saw the beauty of someone who actually follows their religion and embraces others of differing faiths. As well as this astounding revelation:
Well, two of sides of the same coin, anyway. The differences are few, actually. Having read the Qur'an and the Bible, I can assure you that the differences are few. Both have violence. Both have verses implying that women are not equal to men. Both have love and patience and rules. Both encourage the following of the One True God.
God is Allah. Allah is God. I even had a Muslim (said co-worker) tell me that Christians are believers, because they follow the one true God. They just have a different prophet of God. I had a friend in high school who was Muslim and she said the same thing to me once.
Jesus is a prophet of God. A servant and great man. I remember how I was stunned by her belief that Jesus and Mohammed were both great prophets of God/Allah.
"Christians," she said, were to be respected. "They came from Abraham's other son Isaac. We come from Ishmael." We are all children of Abraham. All children of God. All sons and daughters of Allah. The Bible is also a holy book, one to be respected and treated as the Qur'an. They are to be held to one's heart, never one's side. Never to touch the floor or to be set in a place below one's waist.
So when the ignorant tell me that Islam restrains women, forces them to be subservient, I point out verses from the Bible where they do the same thing. When they talk of bombings and ji-had, I point out the Christians bombing abortion clinics. I point out all the times we have murdered and butchered in the name of God. Every religion has their radicals (excepting Buddhism, but that is because its is based on peace and acceptance).
I would also like to point out that I have never been disrespected by a Muslim man. In fact, I have only ever been treated with respect and kindness, where as I've been called a whore and practically spat upon by a Christian man. That the Muslim women I've met are proud to wear the burqa, the naqib, the hijab, etc. They truly believe in their religion and being modest, keeping themselves pure and set apart for Allah and their husband. Which is what we, as Christians, are supposed to be doing. Do we do this? Nope.
Of course, as you will in any situation, there are rebellious people. People who lose their faith and change their minds. People who no longer fit into the mold of the religion they "belong" to. Does this apply to every religion? YES!
Are there Muslims who will disagree with everything I just said? Absolutely.
Are there Christians who will disagree with everything I just said? I would be disappointed if they didn't.
To quote myself (from a post on my facebook):
"We preach Islam as being intolerant, but really we need to take a look in the mirror. When a Muslim man tells me that, as a Christian, I am a follower of the one true God and I am to be blessed, I know that everyone else is just being intolerant."
And in my mind, that is all there is to be said.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
All of Her: Chapter Seven
Chapter Seven
At a quarter to six, I am getting ready to meet up with Clark. I find I am doing little things to make myself look pretty. Things I haven't really done since David. I actually care what I wear to this dinner. I laugh at myself while I put on my white Manolo Blahnik Pepe open toed heels. I stop as I remember how David saved for months to buy them for me last Christmas. And, now that I'm thinking about it, Alice also received a pair, except in black.
Is it a curse? I keep remembering all these warning signs I should've recognized then. I'm pretty sure it is a curse that some angry God has put on me for not presenting the proper sacrifices. Or maybe it is my evil twin. Or I have multiple personalities that noticed all the signs and laughed maniacally while I kept running ahead like a blind dullard.
This has been going on for a long time. I have been fighting for David's affection whilst he was busy falling in love with my best friend. Ex best friend.
I miss that friendship. I miss her. I hate her. I hate her so much. I hate this. I hate her. I hate him. I hate, hate, hate. I think that's all I know how to feel, besides pain.
What did I ever do to her to deserve this? Did I fail her in some major way? Did I do something wrong to provoke this? For that matter, did I fail David? Was I not good enough in bed? Or a decent enough cook? What could I have possibly done wrong?
I find that I can't wear my shoes. In fact, I never want to see them again. I rip them off of my feet and shove them to the very back of the closet. Maybe I'll sell them on Ebay or something. For now I'm going to pretend they don't exist. I'm going to pretend that this whole situation is in my imagination. I'm not going to allow this terrible depression make me go flat like a flan in a cupboard.
I have a date. A date with a man who finds me attractive (and has proven so twice). A date that I should finish getting ready for.
Clark and I meet up at the restaurant at seven, like we agreed. He is dressed down, a bit of a shock to my system since I've only seen him naked or in a suit and tie. Thinking of him naked sends a wave of red across my face. I feel a little over dressed in comparison.
He is wearing dark blue jeans, a nice tee shirt and sandals. I ended up opting for a dressy pair of flip-flops, a black pencil skirt and a flowy blouse. He doesn't seem to mind, however. He smiles and I melt a little.
No. I am not allowed to do any melting. This is a fling. A scheme to have copious amounts of sex and relate to a break up song. Nothing more. I have to remember that.
He kisses my cheek and holds out his arm. I smile in response and slip my arm through his.
"I'm glad you were able to make it." He says, as we are escorted to our booth.
"Me too." I say. I smile, but I'm not sure what else to say. What does one say on a second date?
"Do you maybe want to go to a movie or something after this?" He asks.
"I don't think I want to see anything that is out right now. But a movie does sound nice. Have anything in particular in mind that we could possibly rent?"
"We don't have to rent, I have a rather large movie collection. Unless you want something particularly rare." He smiles and takes a sip of his Raki. He offers me a sip, but when it comes close to my nose my eyes start to well up. I'm thinking Raki isn't going to be my thing.
While I ponder what movie I might want to watch, we order. For myself, I order oven-baked trout with onions and tomatoes. As well as some dolma and tarator. My eyes may be a little too big for my stomach. Maybe.
Clark orders lamb. A cute little baby animal cooked and served with yogurt in some dish called Tavë kosi. Is that a good reason to use later to break up with him? Probably not. That seems a little shallow. Of course, maybe he thinks that trout are adorable little creatures and I'm a bad person for eating them. Another side to the coin, one might say.
I glance around after we order. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I think it is pretty.
"What made you choose this restaurant?" I ask.
"Don't you like it?" He asks. He looks worried for a moment. I smile and brush the question off.
"I was just curious. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I was wondering if you came here often."
He smiles and, visibly, relaxes. Its as if he was waiting for me to confirm something. Or maybe that is just me.
"I like this place quite a bit." He says. "When I was in college I used to come here to study. It has that cozy feel about it, I guess."
He shrugs then and takes another sip of his Raki. I wonder, briefly, if this second date is as awkward as it feels or if it is just me. Is he having trouble making conversation too? Or is it just me? Is it warm in here?
"Are you okay?" He asks. He looks rather concerned. Have I suddenly gone bright red?
"Yes," I say. "I'm a little warm. And awkward."
"Awkward?"
"I have a small confession," I say. I open my mouth to explain why I feel so awkward. I close it again as I suddenly feel a little paralyzed. I see David and Alice come into the restaurant. I can't breathe. Really, out of all the restaurants in this town, they had to pick this one?
"What is it, Abra?"
"I have to go to the bathroom." I quickly stand up and attempt to look like I'm not fleeing. Which, I actually am.
"Wait, Abra," I turn just in time to see him stand up, his napkin clutched in one hand and his other reaching out as if he was trying to catch me. It is movie perfect, really. The girl running away and the boy reaching out to rescue her, but he doesn't catch her.
I reach the bathroom, only to discover that it is currently occupied. Stupid one room bathrooms! I did a dance that vaguely looks like an "I need to pee" dance. Its not that though. I'm afraid that Alice is going to have to "powder" her nose. When we were younger we always said that upon entering a restaurant. We'd giggle and grab each other's hands, run to the bathroom and sit on the counter for a few minutes doing our make-up and laughing.
We kissed once. Alice and I. We had gone to "powder" our noses, like so many other times before. It was a beautiful little bathroom in a tiny, out of the way, kind of Italian restaurant on Main street. The Beautiful Life, it said in fancy script above the tiny divan. We pretended we were fancy ladies attending a party, sitting on the divan and play acting. Moving through our rituals of make-up and laughter.
I'm not sure how we ended up kissing, it was such a strange moment. We were talking and then we weren't. We suddenly went very quiet, as if we were going to be overheard. And then, just as suddenly, we kissed. Our lips softly pressed together, a crimson blush staining both of our cheeks, our eyes closed. We stayed in that pose for a moment and then we never did it again. We never spoke of it, never mentioned it. It was as if we were ashamed of it.
Finally, after what just felt like an eternity of nostalgic reminiscing, the door to the bathroom opens and I practically knock the woman exiting out of the way. I don't slam the door. On purpose, anyway. I'm sure Clark is dying of embarrassment, I've made such a scene. I can't help it. I may lose all my self-respect if I break down out there now.
Who am I kidding? Since when do I have any self-respect?
I hear a knock at the door. I stay quiet a moment. The handle jiggles, I locked it. There is a knock again and a voice.
"Is someone in there?"
That's Alice now. I knew it wouldn't be long. Oh, but I've just trapped myself in here. There isn't a window out and I am going to have to go past her to get back to my seat. Shit.
"Just a minute." I try to disguise my voice a little. Not that it matters, because she is going to see me in a moment. Why bother?
Maybe I can use this to my advantage? I am with Clark, after all. I can act like I'm fine. Maybe make David a little jealous in the process. Doubtful, but worth a try anyway.
Shoulders back, Abra. You are brave, you are strong. You can do this. Right?
I take a deep breath as I open the door. Alice is looking down at her phone. She looks up at me, the smile fading so fast it might as well not have been there.
"Oh, hello, Alice! How are you?" I say, grinning like an idiot, I'm sure.
"A-a-abra?" I've never known her to stutter. She is blushing too, probably remembering my boobs right now. Or our long forgotten kiss.
"Coming to powder your nose, I see. The mirror is perfect for that." I hold the door open and gesture for her to enter. When we were friends I would've joined her, even though it is only a one room bathroom. She stares at me. You'd think I'd grown another head or something the way she is staring.
"Aren't you going in?" I say. She nods, her mouth a little agape. Once she has her back turned, I release the door and nonchalantly go back to my sit.
"What the hell is going on?" Clark whispers vehemently.
"Nothing." I say, sitting quietly and smiling at the waiter as he delivers our food.
"That sure didn't look like nothing, darling. What is going on?" He is upset and its my fault. I shouldn't act like this. I should know better.
"I'll explain later, I promise. Just not here and not now. Trust me?" I keep my smile pasted on my face. I look ridiculous. All of this is fucking ridiculous, but I'm not the one who decided to betray my fiance or my best friend.
Dinner is very quiet. Every now and then I glance over at David and Alice. They don't even notice me. They are canoodling, like they were that day on the beach. When they broke my heart. Clark watches me watching them. He begins to look like he understands. I don't think he likes what he is understanding.
I don't have the bravery to pretend, like I thought I would back when I was in the bathroom. I can't use Clark like that. It doesn't matter anyway, its not like they are even paying attention. They are too wrapped up in each other. It must be so nice, not having to hide their love anymore. Being able to meet in the open and not worry about me finding out.
Clark pays for dinner and we are silent as we walk to his car. The smells of downtown linger in my nose and the lights in the trees twinkle. I think about how perfect this setting is for making out. Just standing on the sidewalk, our bodies pressed close and our lips the only things moving.
"Explain." He says, interrupting my thoughts.
"I don't want to."
He grabs my shoulders and I find my back pressed against the side of his car. I am both aroused and unnerved.
"I like you, Abra. I really do. I would like to see you often. I'd even enjoy being your boyfriend, but this is not the way to start a relationship. I can't even be your friend if you won't tell me what is going on."
"I don't even know where to start." I say, trying to shake him off.
"Start somewhere and we'll piece it together. Please. I'm not just feeding you a line when I say that I want to be your boyfriend. I'm not just saying shit to get with you again. I enjoyed our time together and I'd like it to continue. I just can't do it if I don't understand what's going on. What happened in the restaurant?"
"I saw my ex." I say, simply.
"Okay. I've had bad break-ups. Why didn't you just ask if we could leave? I wouldn't have cared. We could've gone to any other restaurant."
"I don't know. I freeze when I see him. When I see who he is with. We were together ten years, Clark. We were getting married. He left me at the altar. He left me for my best friend and I just don't know how to deal with it. He was it. My all, my only lover, the only person I could ever see myself with. You're the only other person I've been with.
"I was going to tell you that I felt awkward because I'd never dated anyone else. And what David and I had can't be called 'dates' in the technical sense. We've just always been together. But I looked up and he and my ex-best friend walked in and all I could think was escape. It doesn't matter though, I missed my opportunity for a clean get away. I'm sorry for that. I kind of fucked everything up."
He stares at me for a moment, his grip on my shoulders loosens. I feel something cold running down my cheek. I don't have to touch it to know that its a tear and that I've started crying. Again. Then, I am encompassed in his arms, my face buried in his chest and his hand entangled in my hair. He holds me like that for several minutes. I don't mind. I like being close to him.
"Let's go back to my place and have a few drinks. We can watch a movie, like we were talking about earlier." He says. I nod and wipe a few stray tears from my face as I pull away.
He kisses me. It is amazing how gorgeous the world becomes when you are being kissed by someone who knows what they are doing. When he stops, I almost beg him not to. I'd much rather stand here and kiss him. I would much rather have this feeling stay, rather than being reminded of all the terrible feelings I've had of late.
He holds me close again.
"Be my girlfriend, Abra. Let me make you happy." He whispers. I pull back and look at him. He is so serious right now. I smile and nod. I don't know if he can make me happy, but I want to be with him. At least for now.
When we go back to his place, we snuggle up on the couch and watch a Cary Grant movie. I think I could fall in love with Clark, if only I wasn't so determined not to. Maybe I can change my mind. Maybe I can pretend that my heart has never been torn out of my chest. I can pretend it is still there. I could. But I don't know if I want to.
For now, I am content to just be his girlfriend.
At a quarter to six, I am getting ready to meet up with Clark. I find I am doing little things to make myself look pretty. Things I haven't really done since David. I actually care what I wear to this dinner. I laugh at myself while I put on my white Manolo Blahnik Pepe open toed heels. I stop as I remember how David saved for months to buy them for me last Christmas. And, now that I'm thinking about it, Alice also received a pair, except in black.
Is it a curse? I keep remembering all these warning signs I should've recognized then. I'm pretty sure it is a curse that some angry God has put on me for not presenting the proper sacrifices. Or maybe it is my evil twin. Or I have multiple personalities that noticed all the signs and laughed maniacally while I kept running ahead like a blind dullard.
This has been going on for a long time. I have been fighting for David's affection whilst he was busy falling in love with my best friend. Ex best friend.
I miss that friendship. I miss her. I hate her. I hate her so much. I hate this. I hate her. I hate him. I hate, hate, hate. I think that's all I know how to feel, besides pain.
What did I ever do to her to deserve this? Did I fail her in some major way? Did I do something wrong to provoke this? For that matter, did I fail David? Was I not good enough in bed? Or a decent enough cook? What could I have possibly done wrong?
I find that I can't wear my shoes. In fact, I never want to see them again. I rip them off of my feet and shove them to the very back of the closet. Maybe I'll sell them on Ebay or something. For now I'm going to pretend they don't exist. I'm going to pretend that this whole situation is in my imagination. I'm not going to allow this terrible depression make me go flat like a flan in a cupboard.
I have a date. A date with a man who finds me attractive (and has proven so twice). A date that I should finish getting ready for.
Clark and I meet up at the restaurant at seven, like we agreed. He is dressed down, a bit of a shock to my system since I've only seen him naked or in a suit and tie. Thinking of him naked sends a wave of red across my face. I feel a little over dressed in comparison.
He is wearing dark blue jeans, a nice tee shirt and sandals. I ended up opting for a dressy pair of flip-flops, a black pencil skirt and a flowy blouse. He doesn't seem to mind, however. He smiles and I melt a little.
No. I am not allowed to do any melting. This is a fling. A scheme to have copious amounts of sex and relate to a break up song. Nothing more. I have to remember that.
He kisses my cheek and holds out his arm. I smile in response and slip my arm through his.
"I'm glad you were able to make it." He says, as we are escorted to our booth.
"Me too." I say. I smile, but I'm not sure what else to say. What does one say on a second date?
"Do you maybe want to go to a movie or something after this?" He asks.
"I don't think I want to see anything that is out right now. But a movie does sound nice. Have anything in particular in mind that we could possibly rent?"
"We don't have to rent, I have a rather large movie collection. Unless you want something particularly rare." He smiles and takes a sip of his Raki. He offers me a sip, but when it comes close to my nose my eyes start to well up. I'm thinking Raki isn't going to be my thing.
While I ponder what movie I might want to watch, we order. For myself, I order oven-baked trout with onions and tomatoes. As well as some dolma and tarator. My eyes may be a little too big for my stomach. Maybe.
Clark orders lamb. A cute little baby animal cooked and served with yogurt in some dish called Tavë kosi. Is that a good reason to use later to break up with him? Probably not. That seems a little shallow. Of course, maybe he thinks that trout are adorable little creatures and I'm a bad person for eating them. Another side to the coin, one might say.
I glance around after we order. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I think it is pretty.
"What made you choose this restaurant?" I ask.
"Don't you like it?" He asks. He looks worried for a moment. I smile and brush the question off.
"I was just curious. I've never been to this particular restaurant before. I was wondering if you came here often."
He smiles and, visibly, relaxes. Its as if he was waiting for me to confirm something. Or maybe that is just me.
"I like this place quite a bit." He says. "When I was in college I used to come here to study. It has that cozy feel about it, I guess."
He shrugs then and takes another sip of his Raki. I wonder, briefly, if this second date is as awkward as it feels or if it is just me. Is he having trouble making conversation too? Or is it just me? Is it warm in here?
"Are you okay?" He asks. He looks rather concerned. Have I suddenly gone bright red?
"Yes," I say. "I'm a little warm. And awkward."
"Awkward?"
"I have a small confession," I say. I open my mouth to explain why I feel so awkward. I close it again as I suddenly feel a little paralyzed. I see David and Alice come into the restaurant. I can't breathe. Really, out of all the restaurants in this town, they had to pick this one?
"What is it, Abra?"
"I have to go to the bathroom." I quickly stand up and attempt to look like I'm not fleeing. Which, I actually am.
"Wait, Abra," I turn just in time to see him stand up, his napkin clutched in one hand and his other reaching out as if he was trying to catch me. It is movie perfect, really. The girl running away and the boy reaching out to rescue her, but he doesn't catch her.
I reach the bathroom, only to discover that it is currently occupied. Stupid one room bathrooms! I did a dance that vaguely looks like an "I need to pee" dance. Its not that though. I'm afraid that Alice is going to have to "powder" her nose. When we were younger we always said that upon entering a restaurant. We'd giggle and grab each other's hands, run to the bathroom and sit on the counter for a few minutes doing our make-up and laughing.
We kissed once. Alice and I. We had gone to "powder" our noses, like so many other times before. It was a beautiful little bathroom in a tiny, out of the way, kind of Italian restaurant on Main street. The Beautiful Life, it said in fancy script above the tiny divan. We pretended we were fancy ladies attending a party, sitting on the divan and play acting. Moving through our rituals of make-up and laughter.
I'm not sure how we ended up kissing, it was such a strange moment. We were talking and then we weren't. We suddenly went very quiet, as if we were going to be overheard. And then, just as suddenly, we kissed. Our lips softly pressed together, a crimson blush staining both of our cheeks, our eyes closed. We stayed in that pose for a moment and then we never did it again. We never spoke of it, never mentioned it. It was as if we were ashamed of it.
Finally, after what just felt like an eternity of nostalgic reminiscing, the door to the bathroom opens and I practically knock the woman exiting out of the way. I don't slam the door. On purpose, anyway. I'm sure Clark is dying of embarrassment, I've made such a scene. I can't help it. I may lose all my self-respect if I break down out there now.
Who am I kidding? Since when do I have any self-respect?
I hear a knock at the door. I stay quiet a moment. The handle jiggles, I locked it. There is a knock again and a voice.
"Is someone in there?"
That's Alice now. I knew it wouldn't be long. Oh, but I've just trapped myself in here. There isn't a window out and I am going to have to go past her to get back to my seat. Shit.
"Just a minute." I try to disguise my voice a little. Not that it matters, because she is going to see me in a moment. Why bother?
Maybe I can use this to my advantage? I am with Clark, after all. I can act like I'm fine. Maybe make David a little jealous in the process. Doubtful, but worth a try anyway.
Shoulders back, Abra. You are brave, you are strong. You can do this. Right?
I take a deep breath as I open the door. Alice is looking down at her phone. She looks up at me, the smile fading so fast it might as well not have been there.
"Oh, hello, Alice! How are you?" I say, grinning like an idiot, I'm sure.
"A-a-abra?" I've never known her to stutter. She is blushing too, probably remembering my boobs right now. Or our long forgotten kiss.
"Coming to powder your nose, I see. The mirror is perfect for that." I hold the door open and gesture for her to enter. When we were friends I would've joined her, even though it is only a one room bathroom. She stares at me. You'd think I'd grown another head or something the way she is staring.
"Aren't you going in?" I say. She nods, her mouth a little agape. Once she has her back turned, I release the door and nonchalantly go back to my sit.
"What the hell is going on?" Clark whispers vehemently.
"Nothing." I say, sitting quietly and smiling at the waiter as he delivers our food.
"That sure didn't look like nothing, darling. What is going on?" He is upset and its my fault. I shouldn't act like this. I should know better.
"I'll explain later, I promise. Just not here and not now. Trust me?" I keep my smile pasted on my face. I look ridiculous. All of this is fucking ridiculous, but I'm not the one who decided to betray my fiance or my best friend.
Dinner is very quiet. Every now and then I glance over at David and Alice. They don't even notice me. They are canoodling, like they were that day on the beach. When they broke my heart. Clark watches me watching them. He begins to look like he understands. I don't think he likes what he is understanding.
I don't have the bravery to pretend, like I thought I would back when I was in the bathroom. I can't use Clark like that. It doesn't matter anyway, its not like they are even paying attention. They are too wrapped up in each other. It must be so nice, not having to hide their love anymore. Being able to meet in the open and not worry about me finding out.
Clark pays for dinner and we are silent as we walk to his car. The smells of downtown linger in my nose and the lights in the trees twinkle. I think about how perfect this setting is for making out. Just standing on the sidewalk, our bodies pressed close and our lips the only things moving.
"Explain." He says, interrupting my thoughts.
"I don't want to."
He grabs my shoulders and I find my back pressed against the side of his car. I am both aroused and unnerved.
"I like you, Abra. I really do. I would like to see you often. I'd even enjoy being your boyfriend, but this is not the way to start a relationship. I can't even be your friend if you won't tell me what is going on."
"I don't even know where to start." I say, trying to shake him off.
"Start somewhere and we'll piece it together. Please. I'm not just feeding you a line when I say that I want to be your boyfriend. I'm not just saying shit to get with you again. I enjoyed our time together and I'd like it to continue. I just can't do it if I don't understand what's going on. What happened in the restaurant?"
"I saw my ex." I say, simply.
"Okay. I've had bad break-ups. Why didn't you just ask if we could leave? I wouldn't have cared. We could've gone to any other restaurant."
"I don't know. I freeze when I see him. When I see who he is with. We were together ten years, Clark. We were getting married. He left me at the altar. He left me for my best friend and I just don't know how to deal with it. He was it. My all, my only lover, the only person I could ever see myself with. You're the only other person I've been with.
"I was going to tell you that I felt awkward because I'd never dated anyone else. And what David and I had can't be called 'dates' in the technical sense. We've just always been together. But I looked up and he and my ex-best friend walked in and all I could think was escape. It doesn't matter though, I missed my opportunity for a clean get away. I'm sorry for that. I kind of fucked everything up."
He stares at me for a moment, his grip on my shoulders loosens. I feel something cold running down my cheek. I don't have to touch it to know that its a tear and that I've started crying. Again. Then, I am encompassed in his arms, my face buried in his chest and his hand entangled in my hair. He holds me like that for several minutes. I don't mind. I like being close to him.
"Let's go back to my place and have a few drinks. We can watch a movie, like we were talking about earlier." He says. I nod and wipe a few stray tears from my face as I pull away.
He kisses me. It is amazing how gorgeous the world becomes when you are being kissed by someone who knows what they are doing. When he stops, I almost beg him not to. I'd much rather stand here and kiss him. I would much rather have this feeling stay, rather than being reminded of all the terrible feelings I've had of late.
He holds me close again.
"Be my girlfriend, Abra. Let me make you happy." He whispers. I pull back and look at him. He is so serious right now. I smile and nod. I don't know if he can make me happy, but I want to be with him. At least for now.
When we go back to his place, we snuggle up on the couch and watch a Cary Grant movie. I think I could fall in love with Clark, if only I wasn't so determined not to. Maybe I can change my mind. Maybe I can pretend that my heart has never been torn out of my chest. I can pretend it is still there. I could. But I don't know if I want to.
For now, I am content to just be his girlfriend.
I Got Ye, Babe.
And nobody but me, appreciates the joke I just made there. Oh well.
Today, thanks to one of my friends, I found (and subsequently fell in love with) this artist named Gotye. He is a Belgian-Australian (Donnie: Does that mean he likes Vegemite on his waffles?!) and I really love his music. I downloaded his latest album and I'm about half-way through it. I already have a couple favorites.
I suppose the other really interesting thing about this guy is how he dispersed his first record. He recorded clips for four different songs, wrote out the track list himself and made fifty copies, sending them out to a bunch of different radio stations.
He has such an interesting electronic/pop sound. If you are interested in the more electronic side of it, listen to his song "State of the Art." It is trippy as fuck to listen to, but awesome as hell!!
So, for your viewing pleasure, Somebody that I used to know by Gotye, feat. Kimbra.
Today, thanks to one of my friends, I found (and subsequently fell in love with) this artist named Gotye. He is a Belgian-Australian (Donnie: Does that mean he likes Vegemite on his waffles?!) and I really love his music. I downloaded his latest album and I'm about half-way through it. I already have a couple favorites.
I suppose the other really interesting thing about this guy is how he dispersed his first record. He recorded clips for four different songs, wrote out the track list himself and made fifty copies, sending them out to a bunch of different radio stations.
He has such an interesting electronic/pop sound. If you are interested in the more electronic side of it, listen to his song "State of the Art." It is trippy as fuck to listen to, but awesome as hell!!
So, for your viewing pleasure, Somebody that I used to know by Gotye, feat. Kimbra.
Friday, December 09, 2011
Who Says?
Okay, I'm going to hate myself for this later. I know I am. Oh well. It has to be said.
Who says you're not pretty?
Who says you're not worth it?
You have every right to a beautiful life.
These are a few of the things that are in a song that I, reluctantly, love. The reason I'm reluctant is because of the singer. There have been many songs that I liked and didn't like the singer. I don't mind the singer, per say. I just don't want to admit that I listen to this song on the internet (from which I can't take it back from). Especially since my hubby (Hi Babe!) reads my blog and he's going to tease me endlessly for this.
The song is "Who Says?" Its by... wait for it... Selena Gomez. Yeah, I know.
Got that out of your system? Okay, moving on.
The reason I like this song is because its true. She says a lot of things that need to be said to young women (and men) now-a-days.
You are beautiful.
You are perfect the way you are.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
The whole point is to believe in yourself. If you believe in you, who cares what other people say or do? We tie our self-esteem to sex for love, to whether we look like the girl in the magazines, to whether we are liked by the popular kids.
I am no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me. And that's all I want to be.
So, Selena, though it is awkward for me to admit that I love this song, thank you. Thank you for speaking to not only the young women my sister's age, but to me too. Its something I need to remember too.
Who says you're not pretty?
Who says you're not worth it?
You have every right to a beautiful life.
These are a few of the things that are in a song that I, reluctantly, love. The reason I'm reluctant is because of the singer. There have been many songs that I liked and didn't like the singer. I don't mind the singer, per say. I just don't want to admit that I listen to this song on the internet (from which I can't take it back from). Especially since my hubby (Hi Babe!) reads my blog and he's going to tease me endlessly for this.
The song is "Who Says?" Its by... wait for it... Selena Gomez. Yeah, I know.
Got that out of your system? Okay, moving on.
The reason I like this song is because its true. She says a lot of things that need to be said to young women (and men) now-a-days.
You are beautiful.
You are perfect the way you are.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
The whole point is to believe in yourself. If you believe in you, who cares what other people say or do? We tie our self-esteem to sex for love, to whether we look like the girl in the magazines, to whether we are liked by the popular kids.
I am no beauty queen. I'm just beautiful me. And that's all I want to be.
So, Selena, though it is awkward for me to admit that I love this song, thank you. Thank you for speaking to not only the young women my sister's age, but to me too. Its something I need to remember too.
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