Beastly: A Review

Today I watched a movie with my friend Saira.



This wasn't an all together awful movie. But it was terribly cliched.

Things I didn't like about this movie:

• What is up with "stalking" being portrayed as "sweet" or "sexy" recently?
• Blackmail is also not sexy.
• Trapping someone with you isn't romantic.
• The use of the words "slut" and "skank."

Things I did like about this movie:

• Neil Patrick Harris.
• Mary-Kate Olsen as Kendra. Kendra was pretty much my favorite in this film.
• Kyle's tree tattoo.

Of course, watching this movie made me think about a few things.

1. Even though "Beauty and the Beast" is one of my favorite movies/stories, it is definitely not romantic. It is portrayed as such, but when you really delve into it nothing could be farther from the truth.
2. The liberal use of the word "slut" is a cultural epidemic. Seriously. Why do we care so much about someone else's supposed sexual life? Why is it insulting to imply that someone is having a lot of sex? There is nothing wrong with sex!! There is nothing wrong with someone having a lot of sex. Either with one person or multiple. It really, REALLY, bothers me.
3. What is up with our views of "stalking"? Its creepy that Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) follows Lindy (Vanessa Ann Hudgens) around. And, somehow, he is absolved of said creepiness because he saves her life. Really? He saves her life so suddenly its all cool beans?
4. Stockholm Syndrome. That's all I have to say on that point.

The music was half-way decent. Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen) was awesome. The movie was meh. Probably a 1 out of 5 stars. Maybe 1 and 1/2. I definitely wouldn't watch it again.

Wicked Games we play

Wicked games we play with each other's hearts. Isn't it funny? Isn't it rich? You tell me you love me, but you never really meant it. We never meant the things we said, but those are the wicked games we play. Like hearts aren't fragile, like falling in love is easy and falling out of love even easier. I didn't want to fall in love with you. I didn't want to turn my heart inside out and show all of its contents to you.

I am ablaze and you are the only saviour from this devastatingly beautiful madness. Its a wicked game, sweetheart, the lies we tell. What an evil thing to do, letting me believe you could ever love me the way I love you. What tangled webs we weaved playing these games of heart and heart-break. I'm losing, but I feel like I've won the whole world in a paper cup.

The moon is on fire, a jewel on the neck of the sky, surrounded by diamonds. You are my moon, my sun, my beginning and my end. The wicked games we played, no longer pretend. Save me, save me from you. Save me from this breathtaking insanity. I don't want to be in love with you. I don't want to bathe in your scent, like it is frankincense or myrrh. I don't want to drink you down as though I was lost in the desert with no water. Yet, you are the sweetest thing I've ever tasted and yours is the only perfume I want.

I don't want to fall in love with you and the wicked games we played, knowing they could never be true.

Pork Chops

This is triumph. The audacity of living in a world that continues to berate you and tell you that you aren't good enough. This is the strength of hope, a shining light in the darkness that feeds on our fears and our sadness. This is beauty. And it lives in all of us.

It could happen to you.

Many of you, I'm sure, are wondering why I keep "harping" on the topic of Equal rights for Homosexuals, Bisexuals, Transgenders and Heterosexuals. The reason for this is because it is very close to my heart. Not just because I'm bisexual.

I come from a family where Homosexuality is actually a statistic. 1 in 3 children on my mother's side of the family is homosexual. I've grown up surrounded by people who were homosexual and you know they are the most loving and wonderful people I've ever met!

Dick
I had a homosexual great-uncle on my Grandpa's side (my mother's father), who sadly passed away before I got the chance to really know him. He worked in radio, he had been in the army. He loved Audrey Hepburn. And he had a wonderful partner. I have pictures of them and myself when I was a baby.

Becky
I had a great-aunt who was a lesbian on my Grandmother's side (my mom's mom), who also passed away, very recently. She was in the air force when she was young. She was a wild child who loved her family very much. She was a funny dancer and had a great sense of humor. I have pictures of her and Hannah (when Hannah was two or so) dancing at a cousin's wedding.

Janice
I have another great-aunt who is a lesbian (on my Grandmother's side). She has been with her partner for longer than I have been alive. They have always been there for one another and, though they are conservative in their public displays of affection, anyone who has been around them for very long can tell that they love each other. That they have always loved each other. I have pictures of us playing together, along with me crawling into their dog, Posha's house.

Kevin
And lastly, I have another great-uncle (also on my Grandmother's side). He is funny and wears some inappropriate "Gumby" t-shirts. He took care of Becky, his sister, right up until the end. He and the rest of my family have always worked together, no matter the disagreements, no matter the disputes. Because we are a family!

We are not any less just because we happen to love someone of the same sex. We do not deserve to fight and die for a country that refuses to give us the same rights! We deserve to get married and have spousal rights and be in love with who we want to be in love with.

Which brings me to why I am talking about this today.

I was on Facebook and one of my girlfriends posted the following link and I clicked on it.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/452010736/bridegroom-an-american-love-story

And what I found made me want to cry and made me feel sick and made me angry. It also made me think and it made me wonder.

I have been surrounded by homosexuality my whole life. I have family that I love dearly (even though we don't get to see each other as much as we would like) who are homosexual or bisexual. I have so many friends that I couldn't possibly live without who are homosexual or bisexual. What happens if they are in a committed relationship and something happens? What happens to them because they have no legal rights? What happens?

This is the full video as posted by Shane about the love of his life, Tom Bridegroom. And this is what happens if you have no legal rights regarding the person you love.




This is a very powerful story, and very sad. You may disagree with what someone chooses to do with their life, but it is THEIR life, not yours. And they deserve the same rights and freedoms you have.

So I am asking you, please, if you have ever loved someone who was Homosexual, Bisexual, Transgendered OR even Heterosexual (because this is a story that affects us all) watch (and re-watch) those videos and then make the decision of whether you are willing to help out.
 
For those of you who are wondering, yes, I did pledge some money as a backer. I wouldn't ask anyone to pledge money to a cause I, myself, had not pledged something to. I didn't pledge much, because I am poor, but what I gave was from the heart and that is all that matters in the end.
 
I want to see this film in the fall, and if we raise enough awareness that can be a reality.

I want to see my family and friends happily married even though they love someone of the same gender. Even though they love someone of a different color. Even though they love someone of a different religion. Love is love.

Equal Love, Equal Rights.

The Moment

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just kind of feel compelled to. It's something that needs to be shared, I guess. You know, working on that memoir still, may as well write down the memories that I have been having bubble up recently.

When I was young there was a lot of stress in my life (there is still a lot of stress in my life). Back then I didn't know how to deal with it (who am I kidding? I still don't know how to deal with it!). I was self-destructive because it was a way to express the turmoil inside me. I was cruel to my body because I perceived it as my enemy. I still perceive it as my enemy, sometimes. Depends on my mood of course.


My step-father's mother used to cook all the time. I don't know if she still does because I am not in contact with her really. She used to fill my plate to the brim any time I was there and I would be told to eat every bite because "there are children starving in Africa." God, I must've heard that SO many times. This, and my growing dissatisfaction with my appearance, ushered me into what I call the "bulimia stage."

I could never finish a whole plate. Ever. I would try, valiantly. But I just couldn't do it. At first I smuggled food in my napkin and excused myself to the bathroom, where I would dump it in the toilet and flush. This quickly got old. I could only carry so much in my napkin, after all.

That's where the moment happened. That moment when I realized that my aching stomach could be purged and then I'd eat more and purge later. I could eat everything, clean my plate and be free of guilt for those poor starving African children or Chinese children or whatever starving children. It wasn't truly a waste, because I did eat it. I just threw it up later.

I did this off and on for a few years. I didn't become what one would call a "full-fledged" bulimic because you can tell when I've been throwing up. The pressure is too much for my poor blood vessels and they burst when I throw up. In my face. So it looks like someone splattered my face with blood or that I suddenly have bloody freckles. This can also happen in my eyes (which I discovered when I was in high school. Rather unfortunate experience since I looked like a freakin' demon for a week or two).

Sometimes, though, when I became ridiculously stressed I would throw up to feel better. It was like purging out all the stress building up inside of me. I didn't do it often, but I always felt better. Even now I will sometimes force the point if I feel sick to my stomach. It's not hard.

The difference between now and then is that I don't need to throw up to feel better about my stress. I may still need to if I'm sick (which is the only time I'll push the proverbial envelope), but not to deal with the stress.

I tried to commit suicide at seven. Don't ask me why, because I can't remember. I just know that I was too afraid to continue living and I was so tired of everything. I overdosed on my inhaler. That wasn't the first time.

For that particular incident, I was punished. The head pastor at the church we went to told my step-father that I was in rebellion and needed discipline. I received a "spanking." For the record, I don't disagree with spankings. I am for a good spanking (both for discipline and sexual pleasure) in certain cases. I believe you should never spank a child in anger and that you should never use anything besides your hand. You feel the sting, if you use your hand. You can gauge how much pain you are delivering and I feel like this makes the difference between abuse and discipline. Personally speaking, of course. I was "spanked" with a switch by a man who enjoyed wielding it a little too much.

I became very good at lying about my overdoses. They were "accidents." Even the one time I emptied an entire inhaler, with my step-father in the room. I did this by sitting close to the speakers of our radio/tape player/record player while he was listening to a tape and waiting until it grew loud enough to cover the sound of the inhaler. I explained them all away. And they never did me any good anyway.

As I got older I realized that killing myself by inhaler was a bad idea. All it did was make me shaky. So I decided to cut my wrists.

We lived in a house by this time. A beautiful house, really. My room was the master bedroom upstairs (as my step-father changed the basement into another level of the house), complete with my own bathroom. Perfect for a teenage girl! One day, I locked myself in the bathroom, sat in front of the door and tried to drag a knife across my wrist (which I now know wouldn't actually work). I didn't even get so far as cutting, because the phone rang at that moment. Heaven only knows why I had it with me.

It was my best friend, Jo. At the time, I took that as a sign from God, because she said she didn't know why she was calling. She just suddenly had a bad feeling and called to see if something was wrong. I cried when I told her what I was trying to do. She talked me out of it and that was the end of that.

I am actually surprised that I didn't start cutting sooner than I did because of all the pent up anger (at myself, at my mother [I'm not mad at you anymore, Mom], at my father, at my step-father, at God, etc.), stress and previous suicide attempts. It just makes sense that I would cut. In the scheme of things, anyway.

The first time I cut myself on purpose, I was at church. My boyfriend (My Edward Cullens, if you will) had just broken up with me. This was a boyfriend I was keeping secret from my friends at school because he was eight years older than me and he was a convicted child molester. Actually, I was doing a poor job of keeping him a secret. I had mentioned him to a couple friends and they freaked out (rightly so, I might add). They told me it was a terrible idea and questioned my sanity (once again, rightly so. Also, you know who you are).

I lied and said I had made it up. He was a hypothetical boyfriend. Well, I guess I'm admitting that he wasn't a hypothetical. He was real. And yes, you were right. It was an awful idea. I'm sorry that I lied about lying, but panic set in and I hate conflict.

It wasn't so much that he broke up with me as it is that we decided to break up until I turned eighteen. Oh yeah, I was sixteen (a week from seventeen) when we met. Seventeen when we started dating. I, foolishly, believed I loved him. He was the only guy who seemed actually interested in being with ME not my BODY. He liked me for me, or so I thought. And things went way further with him than they should've.

I was devastated when we broke up. I hid myself in the Sabbath School room (because I was a Seventh Day Adventist at the time) and took out a little pocket knife a guy friend had given me for protection. I was wearing a skirt that day, with shorts underneath. I pulled up the skirt a little and sliced at my inner thigh until I saw blood. My ex came in right after I had put the knife back in my pocket.

He asked if I was okay. I lied and said I was fine, though I had been crying. He said we were still going to be friends. A week later we were going out again.

Dating him was self-destructive on three fronts:
1. I started cutting because of it.
2. I pushed myself, sexually, even when I knew I wasn't ready for it (and I knew he was a bad idea).
3. I was only dating him to get my step-father's attention.

We dated for another two weeks before I found out he was cheating on me (had been the whole time, by the way) and I broke up with him. Again. He came over to my house and tried to seduce me back to him. He played a stupid ICP (Insane Clown Posse) song while we were in his car. We made out a little bit, but I didn't say I'd go back out with him. Despite my "love" for him, I couldn't take him back after the cheating. Also, that ICP song was INCREDIBLY stupid and un-romantic. Bad choice in seduction music, dude.

He's in prison somewhere. I think.

I cut for a time after that. I cut until I was nineteen, if memory serves. Secretly, of course. And I attempted to convince everyone that they were cat scratches. That didn't work, by the way. Everyone tried to stop me, to their credit. I finally quit because I knew I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I also knew that my ass would get kicked if I continued. Plus, right around the time I finally stopped I "ran away" from home to deal with my issues. Which also didn't work.

A few major reasons for my various amounts of self-destruction:
1. My emerging sexuality. I'm bisexual. Anyone who has read this blog knows that. Anyone who knows me personally should know that. But I was very closeted at the time because of my step-father, because of my God, because of my church friends, etc. My desire to be with a woman sexually was reprehensible according to my beliefs. Another portion of this was my realization that I was not "vanilla," not just bisexually. This also seemed to clash with who I "was."

2. I was surrounded by death. A lot of my family, friends and people I knew were dying all around me. It was terrifying. And disheartening. It is rough when you have been to more funerals than you ever been to weddings or baby showers.

3. My step-father was abusive. Still is, but not to me and his ways have become more subtle. We carried on an emotionally incestuous relationship for most of my formative years. He was also physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. My own inability to protect my brother from him played a big role in it too.

4. I was being sexually abused. By several different people and for far longer than I should've been. Sexual abuse is usually perpetuated by someone you trust and know. My ex-boyfriend was only one perpetrator of this.

5. My step-father was emotionally distant from me. Looking back I realize that I just wanted to feel like he loved me. I know, now, that he probably never did. Which stings. I was trying so hard to get his attention. I was trying to get any kind of attention from him. Anything would've been better than nothing.

6. My mother was sick (I don't blame you anymore, Mom). A lot. My mom has a lot of health issues and sometimes she wasn't there when I really needed her. It wasn't her fault, but it pissed me off as well as depressed me. I have always had a close relationship with my mom, her being unavailable when I felt like I needed her was disheartening. Plus, her almost bleeding to death on our bathroom floor from a horrific miscarriage didn't help matters. Every time she got sick I was afraid she was going to die and I'd be alone with my brother, sister and step-father. This was combined with my desire that she die so that she wouldn't be in pain anymore, which lead to a tremendous amount of guilt. Why would I wish my mother dead when I loved her so much?

7. I was desperately lonely. I had friends, but they weren't around all the time. And I felt like I only had the one really close friend, Jo. I was also desperate for any sort of validation. Which is another reason why my step-father being so emotionally distant was destructive for me. I craved validation that I was pretty, smart, etc. That lack of validation has embedded in my brain that I'm useless and stupid so that, no matter what anyone says, I can't believe it.

8. Abandonment issues. My father and I stopped talking when I was thirteen. I sent him a letter telling him I never wanted to talk to him again, that I hated him and it was his fault my Memere was dead (she had died three years prior). His acquiescing to my demands has always felt like abandonment. Part of me wanted him to verbally slap me and continue writing me. I didn't actually hate him. I just missed my grandmother. And I was angry at her for dying, for missing so much of what was to come. I was angry that I didn't get to go to her funeral. I felt like she had abandoned me. My dad had abandoned me. My step-father was emotionally distant and my mother was physically unavailable. I just felt abandoned on all fronts.

So, what was the point of all this you may be asking? I don't know. Maybe it's going to help me realize that I don't have to be self-destructive to deal with my stress? Maybe it's a way of working out externally what has been going on inside me for years internally? Why post it?

Because it is part of what will eventually be written in the book of my life, when I am old and gray. Because it is who I was. I don't need pity, I don't need the attention. Not anymore. I just need to get it out of me, like I have always needed to get it out of me. This is a lot better than a knife, or throwing up dinner. Plus, maybe there are people out there who will read it and be able to diagnose what is going on in their lives too. Help them to see that you can come away from all that crap mostly intact.

Do I have scars? Yes. I have lots of them. I do not cover them up and I am not ashamed of them. They are what has made me ME. I would not be Sarai if not for the scars that have built Sarai.

Anyway, all for now. I should've gone to bed an hour ago because I have to get up early for work in the morning. Maybe I'll write more about my childhood and stuff like that later.

The Ship of Dreams

One hundred years ago, at 2:20AM on April 15th, 1912, RMS Titanic broke in half and sank into the depths of the North Atlantic Ocean. Only approximately 700 people were saved out of the 2,214 on board. It is considered one of the greatest non-conflict tragedies of the past century.

As many of you know "Titanic," the movie by James Cameron, celebrated the one hundredth anniversary of the famed ship's sinking by re-releasing the movie to theatres, this time in 3D.

On a whim, I decided it would be an experience to see "Titanic" at approximately the same time RMS Titanic was sinking a century ago. I had never seen the movie in theatres (as I mentioned in my last blog involving Titanic) so that would be an experience as well. For this whim, I recruited Kid, whom I take on many adventures with me.

The experience is one I will never forget, nor would I wish to change it for anything in the world.

It is hard to explain what an impact this experience had on me, really, but I shall try to explain.

Firstly, having had time to think about it since I decided to do it, I should've had this on my bucket list before now. So, after the fact, I christen that one of my bucket list items, now fulfilled. *Cheers and balloons*

My "Titanic" experiences began with the tickets. I purchased the tickets online and we picked them up when we arrived at the theatre. With our tickets was an "official" boarding pass. Pictorial evidence below.




Being the history buff/nerd that I am, the boarding pass really solidified the experience for me. I am in the movie, a part of the history. That's how it feels for me anyway.

Which brings me to the 3D part. Because the movie wasn't originally 3D it obviously didn't quite translate. It didn't "pop" quite like a 3D movie is supposed to, but it gave the whole thing a little more depth, a little more realism. That is one of the few things I like about 3D, is the feeling of being a part of the movie. I feel like it not quite "popping" out (like any other 3D movie) made it more substantial. Personal opinion of course.

During the movie there were shots of the skylight ceiling in the First Class portion of the ship. I have stood under a smaller reproduction of this skylight in the National Museum of History in Washington DC. In fact, pictorial evidence follows of that as well! It is a small reproduction, but a reproduction nonetheless!



That was a startling feeling, almost surreal. Thinking "Wow, I stood under something almost exactly like that." Not quite as earth shattering as seeing a face eerily similar to my own in the Holocaust Museum, but pretty damn close. Its one of those moments where you are so close to history you can almost reach out and touch it. And I love those moments!

I was in awe throughout the movie. So much so that I was too entranced to cry during parts that have always choked me up before. Granted, there were a few tears shed, but so few that I was surprised.

The "love" that Jack and Rose have for each other is really quite powerful, with a lot more substance than other movies with "love at first sight" type gimmicks. Jack understands Rose, he is attracted to her (of course, who wouldn't be?), but he doesn't try to take advantage of that. At least, not in my personal view. The person trying to take advantage of Rose is Cal. It's even strongly hinted that they are already occupying the marriage bed, even though they haven't been officially married.

Beside the point entirely. I just really like the romance of this movie, even though I don't generally like romantic movies. Exceptions being anything with Cary Grant or Clark Gable (or any other old movie star hotness).

I have come to appreciate this movie more as I've gotten older. When I was younger I always avoided romantic movies because they depressed me. I was alone and I hated everyone for being in love. I hated romance, I hated sex (because I wasn't having any), I hated love, I hated it all. Now that I am settled into my own committed relationship I can watch those movies and be happy for the character. That kind of unselfish happiness that comes when you already have it yourself.

The other thing I have come to appreciate is Leonardo DiCaprio. He is so handsome! How did I not think he was hot when I was younger? Of course, it helps that I now know his acting prowess... It took some time (because I am ALWAYS behind the trends), but I am a Leo fan! So seeing this as a Leo fan changed my perspective too.

Seeing the Titanic going down, knowing that One hundred years before it was going down, was the most powerful feeling. It was like being there. As close to reality as I can get. And it was amazing.

All in all, I had so much fun. I wondered if I might have some supernatural experiences, but if I did they were internalized. It was enough to be there. Enough to say I did it. To mark it off my bucket list as I put it there.

To all the people who were lost Rest in Peace, may you be as Rose was in the end of the movie. Happy and re-united with those you love.

The One Hundred Years of Titanic

One hundred years ago today the RMS Titanic departed on a maiden voyage from Southampton, England, on a fated journey to New York City, New York. It never reached it's destination, colliding with an iceberg in the North Atlantic Ocean killing 1,514 people.

Now, if you grew up in the 1990's at all, then you are probably aware of Titanic, if only for the movie starring Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. Or the song from the movie by Celine Dion (which I'm going to post because of the following: 1. The video makes me cry every time, just like the actual movie and 2. I actually really like the song. Views not shared with me by my husband OR Ms. Winslet).

For me, I have a variety of sweet and interesting memories related to RMS Titanic.

The very first memory I have of Titanic is seeing the movie when I was ten. The year would've been 1998 by my recollection. My younger brother was eight and my little sister was a two-year-old Shirley Temple look-a-like. The reason that we ended up seeing this movie (because all three of us did) was because my mother had a migraine headache.

When I was younger my mom was prone to debilitating migraines. This would induce nausea, tremendous sensitivity to light and sound, and sometimes the only cure was for her to try and sleep it off. This often left me in charge (as my sister's father was never around) and us to our own devices.

At this time we lived just down a dirt and gravel path from my step-father's mother's house. I would go there for knitting lessons or to play with Brutus, one of the Cocker Spaniel dogs kept by Nana and Grand-dad (aka: My step-grandparents). On one such day, being bored, we children walked down to Nana's. When she got tired of us (which was quickly that day) she handed me a video cassette (yes, we had VCR's then!) and told me to take it home and watch it with my siblings so as to give my mother a break.

Have you ever tried explaining a sex scene to a two-year-old and an eight-year-old? Or why the pretty lady is naked? And why is that guy drawing her? What is happening to the ship? What is happening to Jack (Leo's character)? Let's just say it was VERY interesting for everyone involved because my siblings and I had many questions regarding the film, which neither of my parents had seen.

After this I became intrigued with the Titanic disaster. I read a few different books on the subject (it was one of my top ten most checked out subjects besides Jack the Ripper, Lizzie Borden and anything by Edgar Allan Poe. I was a rather morbid child). One of my favorites being "Voyage on the Great Titanic" by Ellen Emerson White as part of the "Dear America" series.

The next encounter I remember with Titanic was in Middle School at 14. In my reading class (the sole purpose of this class was to encourage reading, which I already did copious amounts of) we had a Titanic themed reading party. The classroom was transformed into the North Atlantic Ocean, we were all assigned an actual passenger from RMS Titanic's passenger list, we were visited by an author and we ate food similar to what was eaten on Titanic. And we read a book on it as well. Obviously.

Part of the reason this sticks out in my head is for petty reasons. I can't quite remember who I was on the Titanic, but I was married. And I was married to someone I couldn't actually stand. Hilarious, looking back at it now. It wasn't that he had ever been mean to me, but I was a teenage girl. We hate people because we can, not for any logical reason.

Also during that time a friend made a bet with me that I couldn't watch "Titanic" all the way to the credits without crying. I made it, barely. She didn't. I almost lost it during the part where the elderly couple is in bed, holding each other as the water rushes up to claim them. I remember thinking I wanted a love like that. Of course, part of the reason we were friends was because of our things in common. That was where she lost the bet.

I had an elderly gentleman friend when I was young, a friend of the family. His name was Mr. S. He was born the year the Titanic was launched and, subsequently, sank. He was born in July of that year. He would've been 100. And, on days like this where I am thinking about him, I miss him deeply.

One of the most recent memories I have of "Titanic" is sitting in the hotel room in Virginia, on our first trip to DC. L.E.D wasn't feeling well so Kid and I had gone to get Chinese food. When we got back we caught the last half hour of "Titanic." We quoted lines, making fun of Rose and Jack in their final moments. We laughed and laughed. Even though L.E.D didn't feel well we still had fun.

Another recent memory is from our second trip to DC, when L.E.D and I toured the National Museum of History. There was an exhibit partially dedicated to Titanic, with a reproduction of a skylight and some trunks with period clothing. It was interesting to look up and pretend that I was on the ocean, in Titanic, so near to fate and disaster I could taste it.

These memories are beloved, held close to my heart. They may not be the most beautiful or the most interesting, but they are my memories and, to me, it proves the lasting power of RMS Titanic through the years. Titanic has long outlived her passengers, in our imaginations and our memories. She has made her everlasting stamp on history. And a stamp on my memories.

Rest in Peace Passengers and Crew of the RMS Titanic, lost to the waters of the North Atlantic, April 15th 1912.

A Missing You kind of Day

When I was younger, about 17/18 I believe, I had a cat named Forgiven. I was going through a very serious Christianity phase during that time, trying to reclaim some semblance of faith as my world was falling apart. Which is how he ended up with the name "Forgiven." He was one of the few beautiful things in my life at the time.

He was a black and white cat, with a light pink nose that had one black spot on it. He had the brightest blue eyes and he was the cuddliest cat I'd ever met. Sometimes when I would be walking home from school he would run up and want held. He was so comical sometimes, we often joked that if Charlie Chaplin was a cat he would be Forgiven. He was my world, really.

I'll have to find the one picture I have of him and post it, he was the most adorable kitten and then the sweetest cat.

Five years ago this month, two months before he turned a year old, Forgiven was hit by a car and killed. We discovered him one morning, on my way to school. I remember feeling paralyzed as I stood by his little lifeless body, crying, on the side of the road. Of course this isn't the most traumatizing incident in my life, for I have had many, but it is an incident that makes my heart ache sometimes.

Last night, possibly because the day he died is rapidly approaching or because I miss him just as much now as I did then, I dreamt about him. At first he was biting me and scratching me, something he never did in real life. Then he turned into his normal self, cuddling and "kissing" like a loving cat does. He seemed frightened by another cat that was lurking the darkness. A cat I couldn't see, except for the eyes. It was understood that the cat in the darkness belonged to Donnie, but it wasn't Lovey (Donnie's cat that lives with his grandmother currently). It was something bigger than a normal cat, but it was a cat nonetheless.

This isn't the first dream I've had with large cats or cats attacking me recently. In fact the past couple of days all I dream about are cats. Have I angered Sekhmet or Bastet, the cat headed Goddesses of Egyptian mythos? Have I become afraid of the feminine side of myself as the "Dream Moods: Dream Dictionary" suggests?

I also dreamt about car accidents. The roads were lined with crashed cars and I was dazed and wandering amongst them. The police officer kept asking why I had left my van, but I couldn't explain it. I couldn't remember.

Then I was dreaming about Barack Obama and I hugged him. I felt guilty because I got snot and tears all over him because of my crying. And I wasn't just crying because of the car accidents everywhere, I was crying because I had been forced to chop off my hair and because of all the accusing eyes watching me. I was surrounded by women, all of us struggling for air. Trying to find our voices in the deafening crowds. It was as if President Obama heard our voiceless screams and he spoke for us. Saying what it was we were trying to say. It was a glorious moment, terrifying and bewildering. But so very true. I have often felt that Obama has been a voice for the women of this country who are still very much oppressed though there are those who would try to convince us otherwise.

And when I woke up I missed my Memere (French for Grandmother) more than anything. It was a deep throb as I got dressed. I looked in the mirror and just wondered what she would think of me if she were still alive. Would she love me as much? Would she be proud of who and what I've become? Would it matter?

I suppose it doesn't matter to think about those things. To think about a cat that hadn't even reached a first birthday. Or a grandmother who has been dead for almost thirteen years now. But today I miss them. And I miss them more with every breath I take. It doesn't help that I have had a new song by Jason Derulo stuck in my head, echoing the ache in my chest.

In honor of my cat, in honor of Memere, in honor of all those that I feel an ache for on this day.
"Today I miss you.
It gets easier, so they say. So why do I feel like this hole in my heart gets bigger whenever I think of you?
Its because I only miss you when I'm breathing."

Being Thankful

This is my attempt to not bring everyone down with me.

So I'll make this short and sweet. Or as sweet as possible.

Even though Christmas is one of the worst depictions of Christian hypocrisy and I've long given up on it, today was better than most and for that I'm grateful.

I have many things to be grateful for, though sometimes its hard to remember that.

Two years ago, I was trapped in the hotel for Christmas. A half hour away from my family, away from home. My lower half mangled from that horrific car accident. My wonderful grandmother-in-law, who has stood by my side from the beginning, helped me out for Christmas Eve. She and Donnie helped me, in my wheel chair to her house, only for a couple hours. But it was so worth all the pain and discomfort.

I suppose, when she asked me what the best Christmas present I ever received was, I should've said that moment. When I thought I was going to have to miss Christmas too. When I had already been stuck there since Halloween (and before that two weeks in the hospital). When I was already beginning to lose faith that I would ever get to walk again or go home.

I can walk now. I can drive. I have a job, that I sometimes hate. I even had two jobs. I have recovered farther than anyone thought I would.

And yes, I can't have children because my pelvis won't support a pregnancy.

And yes, I still have nightmares.

And yes, I've never been back to that cemetery.

And yes, I'm being sued by the guy that hit me.

But, I can walk. I can drive. I am still alive. And even when I begin to doubt that I would want to be, I am happy to be alive.

So, this Christmas, if you are feeling down for what reason or another think of this:

You can walk, you are alive. You have a roof, a bed, the internet (or you wouldn't be reading this), food to eat, etc.

You have things to be happy about, even when you think you don't.

This coming from someone who is always down this time of year. This coming from someone who detests the holidays for the memories they bring.

I am thankful.

The Grandparent

As I'm sure some of you noticed I posted chapter four of "All of Her." I am slowly working on chapter five... Its a process.

I put in my two weeks at Kohl's (finally!) and my last day is November 20th. I am hoping to hear from Barnes and Noble, as the one in my area is hiring. The hiring manager implied that I'd be getting a call, however that is no guarantee. Its not like I can't find another job right now, as it is holiday season.

In the mean time I will continue working at Sam's Club doing food/product demonstrations. Its a living.

The only other thing that is bothering me right now is My Grandmother.

As many of you remember, a little over two years ago my Grandfather passed away (this was before my car accident). This was incredibly upsetting to me, as I had a rather close relationship with my grandpa (whom I miss greatly).

For several years now my Grandmother (my mom's mom, my grandfather's wife) has been suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Since Grandpa's death she has gone very far down hill. And, it seems, that she will not be among the living much longer. She has been refusing food and drink for several days now. And her desire was to not be kept alive.

On the one hand she has been pretty much dead to me for the past couple of years. Its easier than you think to let go of someone who is almost a total stranger, especially when they can no longer remember who you are. Okay, that isn't entirely true. She thinks I'm my mother. And that my mother is my mother. Which is very confusing for us all.

On the other hand this nearing of the grim reaper just makes me sad that I have never had a good relationship with her. And I wish I had. I wish that she and I had gotten along. But, unfortunately for me, most of my memories of her are abusive comments and abusive actions. I remember a few times where she liked me. But most of the time there were hateful comments about my weight, my choices in relationships (threats of disownment were not uncommon in my family) and my hair (usually that it needed cut, because she hated long hair).

In my own mind, my last grandparent died when Grandpa passed. Unfair to my grandmother, but in my own mind it seemed fair. And now I feel guilty. Maybe if I had tried harder to please her? Maybe if I had done everything she demanded I do and had lost the weight and cut my hair and given up on ever marrying a cute african-american man (which I obviously did, but beside the point) she would've loved me.

My mother says that she did love me. When I was an infant. Before the onset of free will and personality.

To be fair, she likes me well enough now. But that's because she doesn't know who I am. And that isn't a relationship. Its a lie.

I hate visiting her. I can't stand to see her like that. I can't stand to be in the nursing home. I can't stand seeing my, often times, worst enemy in a debilitated state like that. It is so strange to see someone you've been terrified of like that. Its strangely terrifying in its own way. And when I see her, its like I'm in a dream.

Should I have gone to the nursing home this last Sunday? Even though I felt like crap and it was my only day off? Should I have gone? Should I go before she is gone forever? I don't know. I'm confused and I'm torn. Part of me is so numb to the whole thing that I don't care. But there have been so many I didn't get to say goodbye to. Should I let this one go by me, without so much as a pause? Should I say goodbye?

It may be too late now. Will I regret this moment next year? Or the year after that? Will I regret it at the funeral? Am I a terrible grandchild? Am I an awful person for feeling so numb and so disillusioned?

A Cry for A Change

I know I have blogged about the plight of those who are homosexual, bisexual or transgendered. I have protested the horrific behavior and advocated for equal marriage rights. I have posted songs and articles. But I don't think anything has ever hit me as hard as what I am about to post now. Thank you Pomegranate for sending this to me. Everyone should read this. It is hard to read, it is hard to believe that this happens, but OPEN YOUR EYES!

This is going on everywhere, all the time, all over the world. Gay bashing, bullying, intolerance and prejudice, it just needs to END. What kind of society are we?! What kind of people call themselves civilized and free, but we deny the basic rights of living and happiness to the people a few moments before we called friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, mothers, fathers, uncles, cousins, daughters and sons?

This is a cry for it to end! Raise your voice! Speak up, because if you don't, no one else will. And if we never speak up, nothing will ever change!

It Gets Better, RAISE YOUR VOICE AND BE HEARD!


Since some of the writing is small-ish, here is what this powerful picture says (I also corrected some of the spelling errors):

I was the victim of a very harsh gay bashing.
it will have been a year this saturday...

I am not gay.
My best friend is and therefore by association this obviously mean I am gay as well

No one knows,
I can't bring myself to tell anyone or even report it.
It'd be easy to report I know who the bashers were, I still have a shirt that has some of their blood on it (I wasn't going down without a fight), those bastards even filmed it, evidence is just everywhere.

I don't want anyone to see the scars they left,
I don't want to have to take off my shirt in a courtroom so the jury can see the word "faggot" permenantly burned onto my chest

I'm pissed that I'm the one this happened to!
I hate my best fucking friend.
I hate him for my scars, I hate him for my jacked up body,

I hate him because everyone believes my b.s. biking accident story for why I walk with this stupid limp,
I hate him because I'll never be able to hang-out with all our friends again at the pool again,
I hate him because no girl will ever love a guy whose chest says faggot
I hate him because he'll never know what I took for him...

I hate myself for feeling this way

But even with all these bitter hypocritical feelings...

I'd take the bashing all over again so he wouldn't have to.

Queen Bess

Bessie Coleman



Elizabeth "Bessie" Coleman was an African-American pilot during the early 1920's. She died, tragically, in a plane crash while practicing for a stunt in an aerial show.



Some Interesting Facts
* Coleman was the first American woman to hold an International pilot's license.

* She got her pilot's license in France due to racial and gender biases in the States.

* She worked as a manicurist in a Barber shop where she learned about airplanes and flying.

* She was part Cherokee Indian on her father's side.

* She was the tenth child out of thirteen.

* During one of her lessons, Coleman watched a fellow student die in a plane crash.

Some Quotes from and about Bessie Coleman
- "The air is the only place free from prejudices."

- "I refused to take no for an answer."

- "Tell them that as soon as I can walk I'm going to fly!"

- "I decided blacks should not have to experience the difficulties I had faced, so I decided to open a flying school and teach other black women to fly." (though she died before she was able to accomplish this)

- "Older brothers and sisters always look for opportunities to challenge the younger ones."

- "My Brother, John, told me he knew something that French women could do that colored gals would never do: Fly an Aeroplane."

A Video on Bessie Coleman

Helium Man's Penis tastes like Helium. O.O

What's your first thought when the bell rings at the end of the school day?
Well my first thought used to be HELL YES, let's blow this popsicle stand.

Have you ever sucked in helium and talked funny?
Helium Man's penis tastes like Helium... and yeah, it made me talk funny... O.O

Have you ever changed the prices of items at a store?
Actually I have not.

Has a bird ever pooped on you?
No, I have been lucky thus far, the invisible cloak has done its job. ^^

Have you ever laughed while drinking & shot something out of your nose?
No; my nose is titanium so nothing but the lasers shoots out of it.

Do you go for walks often?
Not since I lost my legs in 'Nam. I used to have long walks on the beach until then.

Would your parents disown you if you got pregnant?
No, but she would be incredibly worried about my health.

How strange do people say you are?
Insanely so.

Are you straightedge?
I don't even know what that means.

Have you ever had the chicken pox?
Yes. And it sucked.

Have you opened food at a grocery store & ate it without or before paying?
No, because I was taught that was stealing.

Do you believe in the 10 second rule?
Yes. It is something I swear by.

If you could have anyone as your room mate who would you choose?
Oh god, I can't pick just one. Judes, Erica, Donnie, Keira Knightley, Marilyn Monroe, Fawn, Trent, the list goes on and on.

Do you fall for people easily?
Not since I fell for Donnie. ^^

Have you ever ate a whole pizza by yourself?
Mini-pizza yes. A real size pizza? I don't think I have.

Have you ever played 7 minutes in heaven?
No, but I have read some interesting stories about it.

Have you lost a best friend?
Yes, I have lost many. Mostly when I was in 'Nam.

Have you ever been in a food fight?
Once or Twice, but I'm a wet blanket so not very many

Have you ever spent all day online?
Yes *shamed look*

Are you a stubborn person?
Quite. In fact, my name MEANS stubborn.

If you were in love with someone & found out they had aids would you stay?
Yes. Because only a selfish person would desert someone they love because of an illness.

Would you rather have super strength or super intelligence?
Both, that way I could carry arm loads of books to my house. ^^

Do you think tattoos on the opposite sex are a turn on or turn off?
Depends on the tattoo, but generally I would say TURN ON!

What was the last bet you made? Did you win or lose?
with Donnie on library books. I lost. I had to butter my face.

Do you own any tye dye shirts?
I did. But I don't know where it is now.

Do you give or receive advice more?
Give. Because everyone needs advice.

Do you get your feelings hurt easily?
Yes.

Have you ever had a pillow fight?
I love those!! ^^

What's your favorite condiment?
Does onion powder count? Or cream cheese icing? Because I fucking love those. ^^

Have you ever been stuck in a traffic jam?
Several times.

What is the longest amount of time you have ever talked on the phone?
8 hours straight. With one of my besties, Sarah W.

Do you like hot tubs or saunas better?
Saunas. I feel like I am sweating out the fat and it makes me feel good. Plus I love being that warm, its kind of a turn on... >.> I mean... <.< ... Saunas. Yes, that is all I said. Saunas.

Do you like tank tops or tube tops better?
Tank tops are more comfortable. Though I have never actually worn a tube top. I just think tube tops look skanky.

Have you ever been in a limo?
No. *pouts*

What about a cab?
several times, especially when I lived in the last city I lived in. ^^

Did/Do you play super mario?
I did play it, not so much anymore because I suck at it now. *pouts*

At what age did you first learn about sex?
Um, this is tough. I first learned what it meant when I was 11. But I kind of had some first hand experience before then due to being molested.

Is there a certain type of girls/guys you go for?
I have a tendency to be kind of superficial about girls, I am most readily attracted to them by looks. Men however, I am more attracted to their intellect. If a man can hold a REAL conversation with me, then he is the guy for me.

Would you ever go on a hot air balloon?
Yes. And I believe I've been in one before. They used to have hot air balloon rides at the fair.

Have you ever been scared for your life?
Several times.

Describe the most dangerous situation of your life:
When my ex sent gang members to watch my house.

Are you a negative or positive person?
I am a Debbie Downer. I just can't help but be negative sometimes.

Are you self conscious of anything?
EVERYTHING!

Is there anyone that knows you better than yourself?
Donnie and possibly Judes.

Do you go to church regularly?
Not anymore

Do you have any luck charms?
I used to, but the rabbit wanted its foot back and sued me for it.

What makes you nervous?
EVERYTHING! I am so petrified ALL the time.

In your opinion, Which hurts more physical or emotional pain?
I think Emotional pain hurts more, because it lasts longer. Physical pain generally goes away.

Have you ever been on tv?
No.

What do you do to clear your head when you have a lot on your mind?
Listen to music, talk on the phone.

Do you like showers or baths better?
Baths, but my bathtub sucks. I love soaking for long periods of time with a good book. Mmm. ^^

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
My bedroom.

How many years is the longest friendship you've ever had in your life?
21 years, with my Mom. She is one of my best friends. ^^

Do you show or hide your feelings?
Hide them generally. Except from Donnie, I can't hide them from him.

Have you ever worn something strange or unusual in public?
I dressed as a Muslim woman and went to my racist school like that. Not even my friends recognized me at first. I also wore an American flag that had a Native American Indian on it as a skirt. That was fun.

What is one of your most meaningful memories of your childhood?
Growing up in the middle of no where in a trailer, playing with my brother and sister.

Have you ever seen a shooting star?
Yes. They are GORGEOUS!

Have you ever been soo bored that you counted ceiling tiles?
Yes. Especially when I can't sleep.

When did you last yawn?
A little bit ago.

When you look in the mirror do you like what you see?
Sometimes.

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Most definitely.

Are you an over or under achiever?
I try to over achieve, I used to. But now I am more under.

When are you more alert, morning or night?
Night.

Were you named after anyone?
one of my mom's friends.

What is the first thing you notice about people?
Personality.

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?
Poached actually, that is the only way I will eat them, unless they are deviled or in Egg Salad. I generally don't like eggs.

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
OH YES!! *breathes deep*

Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Once, a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time ago!

Can you read other people's expressions?
Quite often.

Do you enjoy challenges?
Sometimes

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
in my Aunt's car, on my way home.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Cry.

Have you ever caught a butterfly?
No, but I have had one land on me. ^^

Have you ever sat on a roof?
No, but I want to!

Do you hold grudges?
Depends on what the person did.

Do you enjoy sleeping in late?
Oh Yes.

Do you believe in yourself?
Not particularly

Can you taste the difference between pepsi and coke?
Nope, really don't care either way.

Have you ever faked being sick?
Totally!

Have you ever danced in the rain?
I'm sure I have.

Breaking the Girl

The song of the day is originally by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I LOVE this version by Anna Nalick. It is called "Breaking the Girl" and this video includes the lyrics. Enjoy!



And your news is brought to you by the following:
Sarai Giving up Soda
Sarai losing Weight
and
Sarai refraining from babbling on and on.

Over-reacting Swedes are Over-Reacting.
http://www.thelocal.se/26046/20100413/

Whatever you do, don't have an epileptic fit, the Police might taser you.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1265709/Police-use-Taser-man-violent-epileptic-fit.html

Two stupid thieves were found by tracking their monitoring bracelets.
http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100413/GJNEWS_01/704139944/-1/fosnews

A woman in Indiana earns the title "Village Idiot" after setting her liberally hair sprayed hair on fire.
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/lifestyle/the-other-side/indiana-resident-dani-hamm-earns-village-idiot-title-after-hair-sets-on-fire/story-e6frfhk6-1225853081137

A man in Oklahoma City has his nose cut off by a bartender wielding a sword.
http://www.kfor.com/news/local/kfor-news-bar-sword-attack-story,0,6431064.story?track=rss

Police search for vandals that sprayed graffiti on a GOAT. As in a LIVING ANIMAL.
http://www.3news.co.nz/Vandals-graffiti-anti-police-slogan-on-goat-/tabid/423/articleID/150804/Default.aspxd

A man has been arrested for leaving his infant in his car while he visits a strip club.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/3575840/Wellington-strip-club-visitor-left-baby-alone-in-car

It turns out that a pharmacy that doesn't sell condoms, birth control, porn, make-up or tobacco won't last very long. Who knew?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/12/AR2010041204107.html?hpid=news-col-blog

and finally this 12 year old takes his mom's car for a joy ride.
http://www.wtsp.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=129601&catid=8

All for now, but more later. ^^

Sarai is OUT!

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!!

For those religious people out there, HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY!! Now, go out and do your part to make the world a better place, KILL A ZOMBIE!



I realized that we have not had any SPANISH VIDEOS!! So I have decided to correct this. Genie in a Bottle in Spanish. GO CHRISTINA AGUILERA!!


News, News, News!

Let us begin with this:
http://gizmodo.com/5507285/lego-spider/gallery/

A Teenager crashes his airplane and survives. Did I mention it was on the highway? Did I also mention that he started conducting traffic afterward so that other people didn't crash into his wrecked plane? No? Well then, read the article!
http://www.themercury.com.au/article/2010/04/04/137971_todays-news.html

Speaking of Zombies, this woman was brought back from the dead 114 times!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1263061/Miracle-Ann-Mintram-brought-dead-114-TIMES-30-hours.html

A Colorado woman was arrested in Ireland for reportedly passing out Terrorist information.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/04/02/colorado.mom.terror.case/index.html?hpt=T2

A man was supposedly held hostage by his wife for a YEAR.
http://www.ahmedabadmirror.com/article/2/2010040420100404034227368de9932a/ONE-YEAR--AS-WIFE%E2%80%99S-HOSTAGE.html

Double Standards about Nudity were protested by 2 dozen Women.
http://www.pressherald.com/news/Women-march-topless-in-Portland-without-incident.html

Teenagers in Iowa, on an Easter Egg Hunt, found a dead body. An autopsy is planned.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36160586/ns/us_news-life/

Stupid drunk driver crashes, but manages to be able to drive away. How do the police catch him? They follow the leaky car.
http://www.cantonrep.com/news/crime/x12618441/Police-follow-fluid-trail-to-arrest-man-on-drunk-driving-charges

And finally, Elton John is going ahead with his concert inside some Mayan ruins, even though there are protesters and strange accidents occurring.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100403/ennew_afp/entertainmentmexicomusiceltonjohncultnative

Hope you enjoy your nonsensical holiday! ^^

A MINOR DETAIL

Current mood: Ashamed

HELLO EVERYONE!!!

This is Sarai, and I'm writing to tell you that due to some stupidity on my part, we will NOT be uploading anything new for a while. Our camera (Pomme's that is) has been viciously killed in a freak accident. We are in mourning as we speak.

Anyway, due to this malfunction caused by lemonade, we will be holding off on any new episodes.

We hope that you will continue to read our blogs and to watch what we already have up and running on here and the YouTube.

We are both working toward saving enough money to get a new camera, but that will take some time. So, keep showing us love and we will get back when we can.

Sarai.