Do You Ever Wonder?

So I am on a Gotye kick right now. Don't know why, but it happened so innocently. I was listening to a song by VAST called "Pretty When You Cry" and then I started thinking about a song by Gotye I had been meaning to listen to that I hadn't. Next thing you know I found this song called "Wonder Why You Want Her." It is surreal. It is deep. It is sexually charged. And it kind of makes me think of Fawn. Don't know why. Well, except that Fawn and I are girlfriends maybe... Could that be the tenuous link?

At any rate, it is a great song. Deep, sexually surreal and I love it. And I love Fawn. That's all.

Burned

You burned the bridge. You stood there holding the torch.
How dare you blame this on me?
You love me still. You love me.
But you stood there, smiling, as the wood crackled with rose flame.

How dare you try to pin this on me?
You were my father, my friend. You were even a lover, of sorts.
You make me so sick. I want to throw up. I want to scream.
You burned the bridge, but I should be the one to re-build it.

You told me God is a gentleman. God loves everyone.
But you tried to teach me to hate.
You tried to cut me to fit the circles you had planned.
You loved me, but you tried to beat the depression out.

You loved us, but you starved us. Starved us for food,
love, attention. You forced your God down my throat.
You said that God loves me. You told me you were proud of me.
You are such a liar. And you burned everything down.

You abandoned us.
You abused us.
Your love was a rip-off, a ploy and a trap.
You made me wish I was dead.

I tried so many times to cut out the feelings,
vomit up the self-disgust because of what I felt, still feel.
And I hate having to identify myself by your last name,
because you tried to erase my real identity.

No one knows me by my true name.
No one knows me by any other mark than yours.
I am nothing.
I am just as much yours now as I ever was, because I can't escape.

You burned a bridge and I am left grasping the ashes,
trying to make sense of what you've done.
God is a gentleman. God knows everything.
God loves everyone. God loves me. You are so proud.

If God is a gentleman, I wish he would leave me alone.
If God knows everything, I wish He had used that power.
If God loves everyone, why can't He love them as they are?
If God loves me, why can't He love me as I am?

I gave you the matches. I didn't know who I was.
I can't stay in the cage you built around me.
I simply am.
And you burned the bridge, so I have to let you go.

A Few Verses to Ponder

Some of you may be wondering why I am about to post "verses to ponder" and what that means. Do I mean song verses? Bible verses? Or did I misspell "versus" and I'm about to blog about him versus her type stuff?

I mean Bible verses. I've had it up to here with people who claim to know the Bible and don't. I'm tired of people picking and choosing which verses they should follow because they are willfully blind to others. So, here are my arguments for my views, as "proven" by the holy scriptures.

"Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you." - Hebrews 13:17

This is to mean that no matter what we are to OBEY those above us. That means presidents, spiritual leaders, anyone who is in charge over us.

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;" - Matthew 5:44

We are to love each other. No matter what they have done to us. And they are to do the same, no matter what we have done to them. It is one of the hardest things we are told to do as Christians.

"Whoever hates his brother is a murderer: and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." - I John 3:15

Hate is not what Jesus wants us to do. I say Jesus, because God hates everyone in the Old Testament. Don't believe me? Go ahead, go read it for yourself. You will be surprised.

"If anyone says, I love God, but hates the brothers or sisters, he is a liar...Whoever loves God must also love the brothers and sisters." - I John 3:20, 21

You CANNOT say that you hate someone and Love God. It doesn't work that way, as we are charged to love one another as we love ourselves.

"These things I command you, that ye love one another." - John 15:17

See! What did I just say about loving one another?

"There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?" - James 4:12

We are not to judge someone for their actions. We are to examine our own actions before even beginning to look at someone else's. Examine the log in your own eye before bitching about the speck in your brother's.

"Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king." - 1 Peter 2:17

Honouring someone is showing respect. We are to respect ALL men. Not those we like or those we know. We are to show respect and love to ALL. Oh and that last part? We are to show respect to those in authority. AKA: The president, the pastor, the teacher, etc.

"Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well." - 1 Peter 2:13-14

We are to submit to the laws. We are to obey those in authority. You know what that means? Not going out of your way to curse a president or anyone else just because you don't agree with them. They are who God has allowed to be in authority and you are to SUBMIT.

I hate fighting with people, but I am tired of people being two-faced. If you are a Christian, you are to follow the WORD OF GOD. And last I checked, those were the words of God.

Oh also, here are a few words from the Qur'an. Don't they seem familiar?

"O mankind! Allah created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other (not that you despise each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)." (The Nobel Qur'an 49:13)

“If thou dost stretch thy hand against me, to slay me, it is not for me to stretch my hand against thee to slay thee: for I do fear God, the cherisher of the worlds. (The Noble Qur'an, 5:28)"

"when the angels said, "O Mary, indeed Allah gives you good tidings of a word from Him, whose name will be the Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary - distinguished in this world and the Hereafter and among those brought near" 'Āli `Imrān 3:45

An Experiment

In her song, "Xizi She Knows," Imogen Heap says something that resonates with me every time.

You're pretty damn good as you are.
That is something that seems to get lost in the shuffle of things sometimes. Like romantic relationships or friendships. We are never made to believe that we are "damn good" as we are. We are, in fact, made to believe that we aren't good enough. Ever. Because we aren't beautiful. Because we aren't smart enough. Because we aren't what someone wants.

Xizi, she knows, that once its gone, then its gone.
I think that is a metaphor for being damn good as you are. Once you change for someone else and you completely lose yourself, its gone. You may get back some modicum of what you were, but you'll never be fully YOU again. You've lost it. You've let it go.

You may be wondering what this has to do with the title of this blog, but bear with me a moment.

I talked about being hit on, in my last blog. About not being hit on because I'm intelligent or well-read (which, as Donnie pointed out, is never the reason anyone is hit on), but because I have rather large breasts and a so-so face (at least, in my opinion). About how it must be freeing to be completely covered, so that someone has no choice but to get to know you for who you are, instead of how you look.

Can you imagine, for a moment, what it would be like for no one to think your hair is a mess or your make-up is wrong? Or that you aren't wearing the latest styles, your butt is too big or too flat? Can imagine how nice that would be? Not to feel the pressure to please with skin and fashion?

I was talking to Donnie about it and he suggested I try it. Though, he did say he thinks I'll get ignored more than anything.

He suggested I try being covered and then write about the experience. And I think I'm going to do it. It falls into my desire to experiment with different religions as well. I am both excited and trepidatious.

Pros:
1. I'll get to experience a culture other than my own. One that I actually know a fair bit about.

2. I can write about the experiences, because I'll have a rather constant inspiration.

3. My husband supports me in whatever I choose to do.

Cons:
1. The last time I dressed as an Islamic woman (back when I was in high school) I brought the Klan out of hiding.

2. This experiment may have serious ramifications regarding my job, my social life and my family life.

3. I am really shy, so I may very well not gain anything from this experiment except heartache from all the ignorance and stupidity around me.

'Tis better to try and to fail, than to never try at all. How will I know what happens until I try it? Well, I can't. I can't know what will happen or who I will meet unless I try it.

This experiment will take preparation. Partially because I do not currently own a burqa, niqab, hijab or any other such covering. Partially because I need to define the boundaries for myself and a time frame. This experiment is going to take longer than a week or two. And partially, because this is going to take my full concentration and desire. I can't go into this experiment half-heartedly. I have to be fully behind it and fully invested before it will work.

In the meantime, I think I should do some more research into Islam. I need to re-read the Qur'an. I need to slowly wean myself away from Alcohol... Unfortunately. I need to re-read the Bible. If you are wondering about that please refer to my blog "The Christianity/Islam Dichotomy" (which you can find at the following link: http://saraicrazyblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/christianityislam-dichotomy.html). And I need to re-affirm who I am.

I am still searching for who I am, in the midst of all the insanity that is called Life. I am still young, so I have time to figure it out. Maybe this will change me. Maybe this experience will change who and what I am. Maybe it won't. I guess I won't find out until I do it.

I feel like I'm rambling a little so I will stop for now. Expect updates sometime in the near (or far) future.

Something to Say

Someone said to me once that I am beautiful. That I am beautiful and that is why people hit on me all the time. You know who you are and I'm going to tell you something very important.

I partially want to be Muslim because I would have an excuse to be covered. I would have an excuse to ignore my body and my face. I envy women who choose to cover themselves. It must be so freeing to not be constantly judged by your face and your weight, how large your breasts are and how much skin you show.

You know why the few people that hit on me do? Because I have large breasts. Sad, but true. No one tries to go out with me because I am intelligent or well read. No one tries to talk to me because I enjoy the theatre or writing. They come over and "hit on" me because I have large breasts and because I am heavier set. They think because of these things I'll sleep with them. I am overweight so I must have ridiculously low self-esteem (which I do, but that is beside the point). I have large breasts so I must be a slut.

If I was covered, no one would take me at face value. Anyone who talked to me would have to ACTUALLY talk to me. Get to know me, not my body. Get to know what's in my head, not what's on it.

So, darling, the truth isn't that I'm beautiful. The truth is that God/Allah/Buddha/Krishna/whomever gave me a large chest and unfortunately that is all I'll ever be to some people. Its not always a compliment to be hit on.