All of Her: Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

I want everything to be perfect for Jahan. I try to take this slowly. The first step being asking her out on a proper date. Which I don't know how to do because I've never asked anyone out on a date before. Which would be where Clark comes in. Of course, all of this is going to have to wait until after graduation.

Graduation is tomorrow and I'm nervous. I am pacing the apartment in fuzzy Kermit the Frog slippers. Everything is packed up, because I am moving into a new place at the end of the week. My internship officially ended yesterday and I was interviewed for a full time position. I won't find out until after graduation whether or not I have been hired.

Out of desperation for something to do, I call Clark.

"Hello?"

"Hey Clark, its Abra. Are you doing anything overly important right now?" I stop pacing for a moment and nibble on one of my nails.

"Just finishing up grading finals. Why?"

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat with me and then maybe go fly a kite or two?" I cross my fingers, I really need to get out of here or I'm going to go crazy.

"Nerves kicking in?" He laughs.

"Maybe a little." I say, laughing too.

"Give me an hour and I'll meet you at 'The Wilford and Brimley.' Okay?"

"Perfect," I say. "I'll meet you there."

I throw on a t-shirt and jean cut-off shorts. I change my fuzzy Kermit slippers for some sparkly pink flip-flops, grab my keys, grab the kites and head out the door. On my way to "The Wilford and Brimley" I call Noah.

"Noah here." He says. He sounds slightly annoyed.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't get this painting to turn out right, that's all. What are you up to?"

"I'm headed to 'The Wilford and Brimley' to grab a bite to eat with Clark. Do you want to come along?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I have to finish this painting or it will bug me for the rest of the night. As it is, it's going to bug me anyway. Have fun though."

"Good luck." I say and we hang up.

I arrive before Clark, so I order some onion rings and fries to munch on while I wait. I don't wait long for him, however, and he shows up before the onion rings.

"What's up, Abe?" We hug and he sits down.

"I'm nervous as hell, that's all." I take a big sip of my root beer.

"Nervous because of graduation, moving or some other reason?" He smiles at me knowingly and I almost spit my drink.

"What do you mean by 'some other reason'?" I pretend that I'm shocked.

"Relationship troubles, possibly?"

"We only just broke up last week. What would make you think there is someone else so soon?"

"I'm not vain enough to believe that you are that broken up about us being over. I also know that you are determined to be wild and crazy since all the bullshit with David. So, 'fess up. What's the matter?"

"Okay, fine. There's this girl. I want to take her on a proper date, but I don't know how. I've only ever been with David and you. David and I never 'dated' per say. And I didn't ask you out, you asked me. I am completely lost as to what to do or how to go about it. Be my Cyrano and help me woo lady fair?" I bat my eyelashes at him, playing around.

"I will have you know, my nose isn't that big." He laughs and I laugh with him. We laugh for a little bit and order some food besides onion rings.

"Seriously though, Clark. I'm pretty sure this is a first for her and I just don't want to mess it up by rushing into it."

He seems to ponder my dilemma for a few minutes. Our food arrives before he answers and we just dig in. Half way through his hamburger, he looks up at me. He chews slowly before taking a long drink of his water. Its like he is doing this on purpose to keep me on pins and needles.

"Well?" I say, prompting him to speak.

"Have you thought about taking her to fly kites on the beach?"

I pause and look at him. He seems to be serious, but I can't believe he would want me to do that with anyone else. That is something I've not even done with Noah or my family. I consider that to be almost like our sex life, something to be treasured, not spread around.

"No, I hadn't. That is our memory, Clark. I don't want to share that with someone that I can't guarantee I'll be friends with later. Its one thing to fly kites with you, I don't want to do that with a girl I think I want to date."

"I didn't necessarily mean glow stick kite flying, like we do. Just regular kite flying, during the day, like normal people. Though, I'm touched that you don't want to share glow stick kite flying with everyone." He takes my hand and we hold like that for a little while. He isn't my lover anymore, but I enjoy these moments of close companionship.

"When do you want this 'date' to happen?" He asks.

"I don't know. After graduation, after the move, after I find out if I got the job with the firm or not. After all the other obstacles are out of the way, I guess."

"You have time to think about it then. Take her somewhere nice, maybe for dinner. Maybe just for a walk. Just be yourself. Do what feels right and everything will be fine. In the meantime, you should get back home and try to get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow."

"I thought we might go fly kites for just a little bit, if you aren't in a hurry to get back to grading. Are you coming tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll be there tomorrow. I wouldn't miss it for the world. As to flying kites tonight, I suppose it won't hurt anything for my grading to wait just a little longer." We smile at each other, pay our bills and then hop in his car. As he drives I think about what tomorrow holds and what I might want to do with Jahan. Its so crazy to be single and trying to navigate the dating world.

We get to the beach and set up our kites. We set them soaring against the darkening sky, glowing like falling stars. We sit in the sand and watch the kites dance for a while. I should be going home soon. I need to sleep so I can do well at graduation tomorrow. This is going to be one of the biggest days of my life and I have to be prepared. I rest my head on Clark's shoulder and watch the water lapping at our feet.

I must've fallen asleep there, amidst the lapping of the water and dancing of the kites, because the next thing I know I am at home, tucked into bed. The kites are propped up on the dresser and Snuggles is purring next to my head. I smile, sleepily, imagining the trouble Clark must've had to get me home and in bed. I close my eyes and I swim off into a world of dreams.

At graduation, I am even more nervous. I look over the crowd of caps and gowns, people I have befriended and gone to class with. I look over the crowd of well-wishers and parents. I feel like I'm going to throw up as I walk up to the podium.

"We have all realized a dream today. A dream of achieving a higher education. A dream of going further than we have before. Today is the day that we can stand tall and pat ourselves on the back for the hard work and dedication it has taken to get here. Some of us have double majored or even triple majored. Some of us have worked a regular job and an internship while still going to class. Some of us have given up things to get to where we stand today. Be proud of yourselves today. Because today we have done what we strived to do. Today we have accomplished what we have cried and sweat for. Today, we are the graduating class!"

There is cheering as we are pronounced the graduating class of this year. We throw our caps into the air, crying and hugging one another. After the ceremony I am greeted by my entire family, Noah and Clark. There are pictures taken and hugs given. We all go to Mom's house for a "graduation celebration" and we stuff ourselves silly.

Later, as I am lounging on the porch wistfully daydreaming, Clark comes up and hugs me. He kisses me on the cheek before heading home. Mom comes out and sits beside me. We watch him walk to his car. I sigh, still wistful.

"Did you like him, Abra?" my mother asks.

"I liked him, Mom. But not enough to give my heart to him."

She is quiet and I am thoughtful. She smiles at me and then hugs me tightly before we both head back in to the party. We laugh, eat and dance around the house until the wee small hours of the morning. When it is over, I fall asleep on Mom's couch reliving my moment in the proverbial sun.

When I get home there is a message on my answering machine from the accounting firm. I am hesitant as I press play. It is to tell me that I got the job that I had been hoping for. I scream and cry and dance around my living room, replaying the message twice. The cat meows at me, looking at me quizzically. I call my mother to tell her, then I call Noah and then I call Clark. With each re-telling of my triumph I get more excited. I jump around the apartment, crying out to the ceiling that I have done it.

I have stop when a downstairs neighbor begins banging on my door telling me to shut up. Not even that, however, can still my enthusiasm. Now all I have to do is move out of this memory of David and into a new memory. And ask Jahan out.

Moving proves to be less stressful than giving my speech at graduation. With Kevin and Brad's help I am moved out of my old place and into the new within a few hours. The only thing to do is turn in my key to the landlord.

When I go to the office to turn in my key the landlord surprises me with a small package. I open it to discover my engagement ring. I had forgotten all about David returning it. I thanked her for holding it for me and gave her my key. I had hoped to leave all my memories here, but I see that there are some things that will not stay behind. For a moment I am tempted to throw it as hard and as far as I can. Something keeps me from doing that and, instead, I put it in the glove compartment of my car.

I refuse to let anything bring me down and when I get to my new apartment I begin to whistle merrily while I unpack. As soon as there is some semblance of order I will ask Jahan out. I have figured all the details out and I have the whole evening planned. It all relies on me asking.

A few days after I have settled in, I go for a walk on campus. I vaguely know Jahan's schedule, so I wait in the common area for her. I have written a flirty note to her, asking her to meet me on the beach for a moonlit swim and picnic dinner. It hints at things that may happen after.

I happen to see her, hurrying toward the Theology building, so I hurry to catch up. I don't say a word, but slip her the note and give her a hug before sprinting back toward my car. All that is left is to wait for her at the beach.

At home I, briskly, pack up a picnic dinner and a blanket. Once I finish packing everything up, I find my swimsuit, a few towels and t-shirt. I stop then. Does she even have a bathing suit? I hadn't thought about that before now. I pack an extra swimsuit, just in case. Before I lose my nerve to follow through, I head out to my car. I drive slowly to the beach, hoping that this will still my erratically beating heart. It doesn't, but one can always dream.

When I arrive I lay everything out on the sand and change into my swimsuit. I have just enough time to do this before I see her coming down the stairs from the parking area.

Since it is dark, she doesn't hesitate to take off the niqab and kiss me passionately. We kiss for a short while, before she presses something into my hand. It is a small note. Inside, in elegant handwriting, is a short poem written by her namesake Jahan Khatun.

"I have no idea how long I should wait for you or to strive
But I know that is now the time that my luck must finally arrive
This long shirt seems to be as a veil between you and me
I do not know if it is wrong or right
But if you could hold me tight
That veil would no longer be in sight!"

The sweetness and sensuality of this small poem sparks a small fire in my blood. I kiss her again, more passionately and we collapse on the blanket, entangled. Before we go too far, I stop her.

"We should eat first." I say, smiling. I know that she is eager and still frustrated from our last encounter. She moans and tugs at my swimsuit bottom.

"Not that kind of eating!" I giggle, playfully batting her hands away. We eat a little, talking quietly and enjoying the peace of the silent beach. We don't wait long before we begin to swim, just for a little bit. The longer we wait, I assure her, the sweeter everything will be. We swim for an hour or two before dragging ourselves out of the water and drying off. I have her follow me to my apartment in her brother's car.

Once at the apartment, I barely have time to unlock the door before we are inside and practically ripping her clothes off in our haste. Once she is down to her lacy panties and bra, I stop.

"What's the matter?" she asks, breathily.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I ask, nuzzling her neck and letting my hand wander up her thigh.

"Yes," she moans and pushes her hips toward my hand. I unhook her bra and then, gently, I hook my thumbs on her panties and slowly pull them down. Once she is completely undressed I take her hand and lead her into my room. I have her lie down and I begin to kiss her again. I kiss her all over, my lips traversing across the wonderland of her body. She moans and pulls at my clothes.

I oblige her by undressing and I lie down next to her. One of my hands wanders up and down her silky soft skin, caressing here and grazing there.

Down into this sexual abyss, I have come to love, we go. For her first time Jahan receives the very best I have to offer. And, when her finale hits, I kiss her breathless and bring her over again.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel a rush of pleasure at seeing Jahan curled in my arms. I brush a stray curl aside and smile warmly. She is so beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined she could be. I wish I could see her like this all the time.

What will life be like for her? She can't hide who she is forever. She is too wild and free to be a hypocritical atheist forever. If found out, her family will disown her. She will lose her Muslim friends as well. She will lose everything dear to her. I don't want her to lose all of that for me. I don't want to be the cause of that grief and separation.

Have I pulled the goddess too far away from heaven? Have I torn her off of her pedestal and exposed her to a world that will never understand her? I have given the mermaid her legs, but have I stolen her voice?

A wave of guilt crashes over me. I hadn't taken any of these things into consideration before I seduced her. I had only thought of the mutual pleasure we would receive from this.

She stirs. Her gold flecked eyelashes flutter against her creamy skin. She smiles a sleepy smile.

"I love you." she murmurs.

Another surge of guilt washes over me. I hope that she is drowsy enough that she won't notice if I don't say "I love you" back. Instead, I kiss her forehead and hold her close. I think I have made a serious mistake. This was the wrong thing to do. In my thoughtlessness have I ruined her life?

All of Her: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

It has been two weeks since the "I love you" incident. Our relationship hasn't grown cold, per say, but it certainly hasn't retained its heat. He hasn't said it again, either. Which can't be a very good sign. Not that I could say it now anymore than I could've then.

We seem to be successfully avoiding our feelings about the situation. Mostly by flying glow stick kites and watching old movies. We even go dancing at "Alice's Wonderland" once or twice. Avoiding the feelings has to end eventually. We have no choice.

Clark is older than I am. He wants to settle down. I know that he wants to get married and have kids, move into a beautiful one story house in the suburbs. He dreams about it often. I can't give that dream to him. My own failed fairy tale ending has made me bitter and skeptical of any dreams. I can't be Mrs. Samson with a baby on my hip in a three bedroom house in Suburbia Heaven. That isn't who I am. It isn't who I want to be anymore.

"Let's go out to dinner, Abra." He says. He smiles, but it seems fake somehow. This whole week has been us faking. We've been playing pretend and its time to come back to reality. I know what he is planning, but I play ignorance. By the end of this self-destructive spiral I should become an actress in Hollywood. I could win an Oscar for these kinds of performances.

"Sure." I say, faking a cheery tone. "Where shall we go?"

"Let's go to the Hob-Knob, its close and we haven't eaten there in a while."

We walk arm-in-arm and I tease him into skipping with me while we whistle "We're off to see the Wizard." We arrive at the Hob-Knob Cafe out of breath from laughing and skipping. Its the first time we've really laughed in two weeks.

Once inside we order a pot of White Cherry tea and some cream cheese and cucumber sandwiches. We order a few other things before handing off the menus and smiling, somewhat nervously, at one another.

I take a sip of my tea and glance around. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that Clark looks nervous. I, in turn, am now nervous, though I am sure I know what is about to happen. I try to appear nonchalant and clueless.

"What's wrong?" I ask, taking another sip of tea. The waiter comes up with our food and for a moment we are distracted with rearranging the table. I repeat the question once the waiter has disappeared and wait, resigned to what I know is coming.

"I want to ask you something. I am just unsure of how you will react." He takes a sip of his tea. My stomach is in knots, bracing for the question.

"The best way to find out," I say. "is just to ask."

He takes a deep breath, as if he was getting ready to plunge into an icy pool. I mimic his deep breath and hold it.

"I am wanting a more serious commitment. I want us to be more than sex partners. I want to get married, eventually. Have children. I really care about you, Abra, but I have to know if this is something you want too. I am wanting something more out of this relationship. Do you want that too?"

Slowly, I let out the breath I was holding and set my cup back on its saucer. He wants an answer I am not willing to give. I can't force myself to love him. Even though I'd like to. He looks reservedly expectant. I have paused too long, he knows my answer. He sighs and takes another sip of tea.

"I care about you too, Clark," he holds up a hand, silencing me.

"But not enough to continue on the path I suggested. I knew that you didn't want more. It was apparent when I told you I loved you. I meant it then. I mean it now. I can't force you to have feelings for me that you don't want to have, but I can't continue trying when I know we're not going to go any further than this."

I tear up a little. This isn't quite how I saw "us" ending, though I knew it would end. I do care about him. I have enjoyed our time together and, in my mind, I carefully begin to place all of my lovely memories in a box labeled "Clark."

"Can we still be friends?" I ask, quietly. My tea looks cloudy with a chance of loneliness.

"Of course, darling." He takes my hand and looks at me with those beautiful eyes. "This is why I was nervous. I was afraid you would be upset and not want to talk to my anymore. I would hate to lose a friend on top of losing a lover."

I manage a water smile. We finish our tea and our dinner. He drives me home and we kiss goodnight, our last kiss as a couple. He then kisses my cheek and I watch him leave. I sigh heavily as I unlock my door and kick off my shoes. I pick up Snuggles and nuzzle him for a little while.

I am not sure how to go about being friends with an ex. That didn't happen with David. I suppose it couldn't, though. We'd been together too long and the betrayal had cut too deep. This break-up with Clark was sweeter, more gentle. No betrayal, no deep wounds. Just a gentle parting of ways, just like I wanted.

I listen to music for a little while and finish editing my final paper before graduation. It is due tomorrow and the practices for commencement are next week. While I am not graduating valedictorian, I am still graduating with honors and my speech is also due tomorrow.

I am nervous for graduation, sad for my break-up with Clark and eager for the next chapter in my life to unfold. Maybe, once I've graduated, I'll go to "Alice's Wonderland" and dance with somebody who will want to come home with me. Maybe I'll try to date a woman this time around. Or maybe I'll just skip dating altogether and just sleep around. Isn't that more self-destructive in the long run?

I wonder if Clark will still go glow stick kite flying with me. Is it acceptable for friends to do things they did as a couple?

"What do you think, Snuggles?" I lift him up and look in his eyes. He meows at me to put him down. I smile and set him down. I guess I'll just have to find out on my own.

I do cry a little. I think that is to be expected with any relationship ending. Of course, I don't know for sure since this is only the second relationship I've ever had, let alone end. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on David. He took so much from me. I let him take so much from me. I practically shoved it into his greedy hands.

I call Noah and invite him over to watch movies with me. I don't want to be alone tonight. I am not completely broken up over Clark, but there is an uncomfortable ache in-between my ribs.

He brings ice cream and we watch a Cary Grant movie, Snuggles curled up in my lap.

"Want to talk about it?" He asks after a little while.

I shake my head and eat another spoonful of ice cream. If I talk about it I may actually cry. I keep thinking that I could've been happy with Clark. I could've fallen in love with him, but I am too stubborn. I hurt him. Not intentionally, but he loved me and wanted to build something with me. I am an idiot for acting like this, but I'm too stubborn and stupid to give it up.

So we don't say a word, just eat ice cream and watch movies. Eventually, Noah leaves and I go to bed. I miss Clark already. It was nice, not sleeping alone. It was nice having someone to wake up to. Its over now, though. No point in dwelling on it.

The next day I go to class feeling hung-over. I have dark circles under my eyes that I don't try to hide. My hair is in a messy bun. I am practically wearing my pajamas. I am a mess. I didn't think I would take this so hard. After all, I was the one who was planning it all along.

Jahan's eyes widen when she sees me. I slump in my seat next to her.

"What happened?" she asks. She sounds alarmed.

"My boyfriend and I broke up last night. I guess I'm not taking it as well as I thought."

She hesitantly pats my arm and we don't speak again until class is over. We walk out of class together and she links her arm with mine. We go to the outdoor commons and sit on the grass under a shady tree.

"You can't let one man ruin your whole outlook on life." she says. Again she pats my arm reassuringly. I find that I am not thinking about Clark now. Instead I am thinking about Jahan and her hand on my arm. I am thinking some very interesting thoughts about her. I blush a little, from my audacity.

"I won't let it ruin my outlook." I say, trying to hide my blush. "I just don't know what to do with myself for a little while."

"Would you like to get a drink?" she asks. I am stunned. From our few conversations regarding religion she has made it clear that alcohol is forbidden.

"You mean, like alcohol? Isn't that against your religion?"

"We don't have to drink in public. We could just go back to your apartment. Then no one but us will know." She seems very eager and to be honest, I'm not disinterested myself. I wonder what it would be like to have Jahan at my place, drinking. However, is it wrong of me to feed her rebellious feelings? She has mentioned, once or twice, that she wants to break away from tradition, break away from Islam.

"Why not?" I say. We stand up, brush ourselves off and go to my car. It is only two in the afternoon and I am going home to drink.

We stop by a liquor store and I buy some Bailey's. The clerk shakes his head as he checks me out. I must really look like I'm in dire straits. When I get back to the car, Jahan asks me to stop by the grocery store.

"I'm a little hungry," she says. We go in and I am stunned into silence when she puts ham salad and lobster spread in the cart. She does it so quickly it looks as if the items flew off the shelf and into the basket of their own free will. I grab some oatmeal cookies and a loaf of wheat bread before heading toward the check out counter. She goes out to the car before me. I can only guess that it is so she isn't seen with me when I purchase the pork and shellfish products.

When we get to my apartment she asks me where the toaster is. She toasts a few slice of bread before slathering lobster spread on one and ham salad on another. While she does this I get two glasses and some ice cubes. We sit on the purple plaid couch and I sit in shock as she pours the Bailey's into the glasses.

"Now, why did you and your boyfriend break-up?" she asks. She lifts her veil slightly to take a drink. I have to shake myself to answer her.

"He wants to get married eventually and I don't. I recently had a very bad break-up with my fiance of ten years. I just can't imagine marrying anyone but him. I just couldn't give him what he needs so we decided to end it." I take a gulp of my drink and try to suppress a sigh of relief as it warms me.

"Typical man, not understanding your wants and needs." she says, haughtily. "I am engaged to a man my parents have picked out. I can't stand him. He doesn't care about my needs or wants at all. He keeps asking me to leave school so that we can marry and begin having children."

"Clark is a nice guy, but I can't fall in love with him." I say, lamely. I don't really know what else to say to her. She takes another drink and then takes a bite of the ham salad on toast. I follow her lead and take a bite out of the lobster spread.

"I don't want to get married." she confides.

"No? Marriage is a beautiful thing. Or so I'm told." I take another sip of my drink.

"You mean eternal slavery to a man who will fuck you and treat you like a servant? No thanks. I'd rather die, to be honest. I would hate to be stifled. That's what would happen you know. I'd be chained and continually stifled. Intellectually, physically, et cetera."

I hold my tongue. Jahan takes another sip of her drink under her veil. I've never seen her face or even the hint of her face. She is so angry at the thought of being stifled, but she continues to wear her veil. She astounds me sometimes.

"I love alcohol." she says. "Why is it forbidden? Pork and shellfish are delicious as well. You know, a friend of mine has been buying these things for me on the sly and I really don't understand why they are wrong. Of course, my father and brothers would kill me if they found out I was drinking and eating these things."

"Why?" I ask.

"Why would they kill me? I thought that was obvious enough."

"Why are you doing this? Why break all the rules? Why be here with me?"

"To say I did it, I suppose. I am an atheist, I think. I don't believe in God or Allah. The Prophet was a man. Jesus was a man. How is he different from any other mythological half-mortal?"

"But you still pray towards Mecca. You still cover yourself in a burqa and niqab. You still celebrate holy days with your family."

"I know. I am the worst kind of atheist. A hypocritical one. I wish I could give it up. Truth be told I am afraid. My family would disown me. I would lose everyone I love. Quietly, I disobey and I do what I want. But I would never do something they could find out about and disown me for."

Again, I hold my tongue. I think Jahan senses my uneasiness. She scoots closer to me.

"Do you know the real reason I am with you right now? Why I suggested, out of the blue, that we should come here and drink?"

"Why?" I look into her gray eyes.

"Because I want you. I have been daydreaming about this moment for quite some time now. I don't want to get married to the man my parents want me to because I'm a lesbian. I spend so much time with you because you are a beautiful woman. I've known for a time, but had not found someone I was comfortable with until you."

I don't know what to say. Without a word she begins to undo her niqab. At first, I look away. This is really fast. Clark and I just broke up yesterday and now I'm in my apartment with a rebellious young woman who is attracted to me. Who I'm attracted to as well. If I am going to sleep around, I might as well do it one after another right?

I feel a little like a postulate whose Goddess is about to be revealed. Is that weird? I feel like I shouldn't be the first person to see her unveiled, like I'm unworthy of it. I sense her stop more than I see it.

"Do you not want this? Should I leave?" She sounds like she may cry at whatever my answer may be. Is it the alcohol talking? Or is this what she truly wants? There is no going back from this.

I look at her. Afraid for her, slightly aroused by her impulsiveness and intrigued by the woman underneath all the cloth.

"Are you ready for the consequences?" I ask. I sound a little like Noah just now.

Her answer is a meek nod. She unwinds and detaches the niqab. Just as I suspected she is beautiful. Her hair is black and curly. A raven cascade of curls reaching to the middle of her back. Her skin is creamy in complexion and she has a small smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She has a pierced nose and a tiny beauty mark on her left cheek. She smiles at me nervously.

"You're beautiful." I whisper. I don't know why, but I feel a little awed.

"Do you want me too?" she whispers, following my vocal lead.

"Yes and no." I restrain myself from reaching out to touch her face.

"Let's make it only yes." She touches my lips and then kisses me. I kiss her back, finding myself more aroused than I thought I was. All thoughts of Clark or David or how fast everything is moving evaporate. My fingers tangle in her curls. She explores not only my mouth, but my body as well. She is tender though she is slightly frenzied. I find I am in a bit of a frenzy too.

A thought bubbles up. This is probably her first sexual experience with anyone but herself. I will be her first, like David was my first. I find that I don't want to pause for this thought. Instead I kiss her down and along her jawline to her throat. We practically tear off her burqa in our haste. Underneath she is wearing a long sleeve black shirt and long black yoga pants. those are quickly removed to reveal a lacy pink thong with snowflakes on it and a white lace bra.

She stops a moment, breathless. I moan in frustration. Not just because of the sexual heat building up between us, but because my mind returns to the thought of me being her first. She smiles, a sweet dimpled smile, and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

"Are you okay?" I ask. As miserable as I would be I don't want her to do something she doesn't want to. And the longer she hesitates the more I think that I don't want to be her first and then leave her. Because I will leave her. At some point it will end. Just like with Clark, I can't fall in love with her. The sexual feelings come up again, entangled with my thoughts. Can a woman experience blue balls? If so, I am feeling it right now.

"Yes," she breathes. We stand up together and I begin to unhook her bra. The guilt that has been warring with my libido begins to get the best of me. Before I reveal her complete nakedness, I stop.

"What's the matter?" she asks. She looks concerned.

"I can't do this right now. Not like this." I pick up her clothes off of the floor.

"What do you mean you can't? Is there something wrong with me?"

"No! There is nothing wrong with you! Nothing at all. I just... I don't know. I want you. I've been attracted to you for a while now. I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me? Hurt me how?" We sit down again and I look at her beautiful face.

"I only just broke up with my boyfriend. Give me a few days, okay? We'll try all of this again in a few days."

She looks frustrated, confused and a little hurt. It is so beautiful to be able to see the emotions, if only they were happier emotions.

"I promise." I say, kissing her. "It will be worth the wait."

Is this Your Husband?

Thursday night my friends, Ouragan and Megan M., and I went to the Gay Bar. It was Karaoke night. And apparently this also means the drink prices were lowered. Which was fine by me, because it meant getting to drink more!

Anywho, we (as in Megan and I) sat at the bar and Ouragan (our wonderfully amazingly awesome designated driver) stood protectively by us. He even sang a couple songs for karaoke.

The one of the best parts of the night (besides getting to drink new drinks!) was when our bartender went up and sang "Poor Unfortunate Souls" by Ursula, from "The Little Mermaid"!! He was AMAZING! Truly! Oh my God. And the man could mix a mean Jolly Rancher Shot too. ^_^

The DJ was cute, by the way. And I am pretty confident that he was straight because he was kind of hitting on me (and he wasn't the only one!). Which was nice, sort of. Though I'm not used to being hit on by men when I'm at the Gay bar. He was also a pretty fantastic singer!

Another fantastic moment was when this young woman came up to me and told me I was beautiful. Of course, she prefaced that with the fact that she was drunk, but a compliment is a compliment damn it! Of course that wasn't the only thing she said.

She asked me if Ouragan was my husband! It was HILARIOUS! When I told her no, she seemed excited by me being "single." I corrected this by telling her that I did have a husband, but that he was very open to me being with women. Which is true. She asked if he would be involved and I said no. She was sweet and I wish I had gotten her number, but she wasn't really my type.

We had some fantastic drinks, listened to some fantastic (and some horrific) music, and overall just had a great time. I can't wait to do it again! Maybe this next time I'll get a number? Who knows!

To Whom it May Concern,

A friend of mine posted a video on their FaceBook with the comment: "I see nothing offensive about that comment.....it worked!"
The video has to do with Birth Control, a rather popular topic at the moment. The video pisses me off immensely, but I'll let you decide for yourself about it


Now, in response to both her comment (and the video) I posted this:
"I do, because not everyone who is using contraception is using it to prevent pregnancy. There are some of us who have medical conditions that require birth control to help.
Speaking as someone who has awful cysts on my ovaries and needs to be on a contraceptive, this kind of thinking is not only very crude, but also harmful to those of us who AREN'T going out and slutting it up."

As of this moment she has yet to respond. That's right, a woman posted that. A woman that I love and, usually, admire greatly. Not only does this sadden me immensely, but really shows how we haven't come very far at all. We are still trapped in this mind set that a young woman who needs a contraceptive is a whore and should just keep her knees together.

Here is my opinion on the matter. Take it or leave it, agree or disagree, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that someone needs to take a stand on this.

To whom it may concern,
If you provide insurance to your employees you HAVE to provide for ALL types of healthcare. Not all women who use birth control use it to prevent pregnancies. It is NOT a violation of your religious rights, but it IS a violation of their freedom of choice if you refuse. If you want to be jerks about it, how about paying some taxes so these health items can be obtained some other way without breaking someone?
Thank you for your attention,
Sincerely,
Sarai

It is moments like this...

Today I was at work and my boss was telling a funny story about these little kids in a cart with a big white cake with strawberries on it. One of my co-workers decided to share a story about a little kid as well.

She starts her story by talking about a Muslim woman with her son in the cart. She says that she knew that the woman was Muslim because of the "tablecloth" she was wearing over her head. She then went on to say that the woman was complaining about a cake that she had received and that she (the woman telling the story) had never gotten a bad cake from this particular bakery.

At this point I zoned out. Before this moment I liked this particular co-worker well enough. She and I have very different opinions regarding politics, but I have several friends like that. However, there is one thing I will not tolerate in my friendships.

Religious and racial intolerance. Particularly religious intolerance by so-called patriots of Religious freedom. If your freedoms are under attack that is one thing, but its okay to discriminate and alienate and take away the religious freedoms of another because they are different.

By the way, in case you were wondering, its called a Niqab, not a tablecloth. It is to keep one pure and set apart for Allah. It is to show love and devotion to Allah. It is to show modesty. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass you would know that.