And the reason I keep coming back to it is because of how crazy it is. How crazy we are. How insane everything can be when Love is involved. And no, I'm not just writing this because I'm watching a Korean drama involving a complicated love. Though, it does help.
Once again, I'm going back to Homosexuality. Bisexuality. Transgendered. I'm going back to all the needless hate and stupidity and ignorance. I'm going back, because I just don't understand.
I, literally, cannot comprehend these prejudices. These hatreds.
I was raised a Christian. I believed that homosexuality, bisexuality, transgender were wrong. I believed for a long time that a man should not marry a man. A woman should not marry a woman. I believed that God created man and woman to be together and anything else is an abomination.
But when I was a child I also hid sexual feelings for other women. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and even seriously considered becoming a man, because I was not feminine. Newsflash, I'll never be "feminine."
The terrible thing is, when you are experiencing those feelings, you feel like you are letting God down. You feel like you are a monster because you feel a surge of attraction to someone of the same sex. Or when you imagine what it would be like to be a man and you are a woman. You imagine having sex with a woman, as a man, because then it wouldn't be wrong, right? Except it would because you were originally a woman and you changed what God intended.
Except we are all created in God's image. God doesn't make mistakes. Right?
But I'm in sin. I have sinned. Sinning is completely different. An all powerful, all knowing, God has no power over the choices you make. Except, doesn't he know everything before you do it? Why wouldn't he step in?
It was explained to me once, by my ex-step-father, that God is a "gentleman." He allows us to make our own decisions and what not, but doesn't meddle. Which is stupid. He is God. He interfered in human's lives from the very beginning. He destroyed the world with a flood because of the "sins" of the people. He demolished Sodom and Gomorrah because of their sin. Through out the Bible he is meddling.
But then you get into the downward spiral of "free will" and whether or not we have it.
I believe, if we are created in the image of God and God makes no mistakes, we are the way he created us. Which leads to a few messed up avenues, which we won't delve into tonight.
I was raised that we are to love the sinner and hate the sin.
I was raised in a family whose Homosexuality to Heterosexuality ratio was 1 in 3. I have two Uncles who are (were, as one of them has sadly passed on) homosexual and two Aunts that are (were, as one of them has also passed on) lesbians. I am bisexual, my brother is bisexual.
I was raised confused.
An all loving, all knowing, God hates. These feelings I am experiencing are wrong. They are a sin. I am doing everything wrong. I'm not being the obedient, submissive woman I should be. I am too opinionated. Too well-read. Too stubborn. I am trying to be in love with a God that hates me. Or does he distinguish between sin and sinner?
You can blame my feelings on being molested many times as a child/young adult. You can blame my feelings on sin. You can blame it on my discovery of pornography (of the Lesbian variety) as a young woman. You can blame it on what you want or do not.
But it doesn't change that I am who I am. I love who I love.
I have had sex with a woman and I enjoyed it. The feelings were pure. The desire to be together, physically, with someone that you are attracted to is perfectly normal. Unless its towards the same sex, in which case it is a hideous thing. It can't be love. It can't be anything but disgusting. Love isn't love if it is for someone of the same sex.
What God damns a heart?
What if, and bear with me here (Donnie, you aren't allowed to comment, because I already know your opinion on it). What if, the roles were reversed? What if it was heterosexuals who were the weird ones? What if being straight was abnormal? Would we still feel the same way? Would we still say that homosexuals don't deserve the same rights? Would it be different if it was the other way around?
I think I might write a story about that. About the possibilities of that kind of society. It isn't that strange. The Amazons were said to only be with a man to procreate and then they killed him. It was considered weak to be with a man. It was considered a betrayal. How different that must be.
Of course, in today's world the Amazons wouldn't have to even associate with a man. In today's world we don't even have to have sex to have a child. One can be created for us. One could be created with just a little sperm and a viable egg. No penis has to enter a vagina. No sexual intercourse has to be utilized to reproduce now.
Maybe I am rambling now. I just have so many thoughts running around in this head of mine that sometimes I lose track of where I was going with what.
All I know is that I don't understand it. If you wanted to get married and the law wouldn't let you, would you let that stand in your way? No. You would fight for it. If you desperately loved that person you would fight until your dying breath.
Don't people like my Aunt and her partner deserve to have a LEGAL marriage? They've been together longer than I've been alive. If anyone deserves to get married its her. Don't they deserve the same rights allotted to every other married couple? Its not like a piece of fucking paper is going to change their feelings for one another. But shouldn't they have the choice?
Divorce is high already. Without legal marriage for homosexuals. But Homosexuality is what is ruining the country. Ruining the world.
It doesn't matter that children in these households consistently do better in school. It doesn't matter that people like Pat Robertson are what is destroying this country. No. What matters is that some man is fucking another man. Heaven forbid they be in love with one another. Willingly giving themselves to each other and deeply in love.
Heaven forbid we love our neighbors as ourselves. That we give them the same basic rights as we would want to have. Because you know, that is just too damn easy to do. Its too easy to admit that its wrong to prevent a human being from having the rights that you want for yourself. Its too easy to admit, which is why we don't.
We refuse our brothers and sisters, our fathers and mothers, our sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, the basic human right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness because they happen to want someone of the same sex. We refuse for the same reasons we refused (and still do in some places) interracial marriage. Because it offends the senses of some hoity toity bitch or dick.
And we'll continue to hide behind false religion until we are eventually killed by it or true revolution is attained.
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