Little boy talking to his mom in the women's bathroom: Mommy my penis is really big!
Mom to little boy: That's not really something we talk about in public.
Little boy whispers: But Mommy, my penis is really big!
And all I could think was "they start bragging early these days..."
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
Pineapple Soda
She says I need to let it go. There is no closure, no resolution. There is only pain.
And why do I put myself through such hideous agony?
Its because when I miss you I want pineapple soda.
Its because when I think about you my chest tightens.
Its because when I try to forget you, I know that I never can.
He says I need to stop torturing myself with memories. They lead no where.
The past is past. Why do I still let these things linger?
Its because when I miss you I listen to that song on repeat.
Its because when I think about you I lose track of time and tears.
Its because when I try to forgive you, I find I am the one in need of forgiveness.
They say I need to let it go. They say I need to let the past be past. Bi-gone eras be
bi-gone eras. Let everything remain a memory and lock it with the silver key of forgetting.
But I can't forget that you are now somebody that I used to know.
Somebody that I used to love, once upon a time.
And, when I miss you, I want pineapple soda.
And why do I put myself through such hideous agony?
Its because when I miss you I want pineapple soda.
Its because when I think about you my chest tightens.
Its because when I try to forget you, I know that I never can.
He says I need to stop torturing myself with memories. They lead no where.
The past is past. Why do I still let these things linger?
Its because when I miss you I listen to that song on repeat.
Its because when I think about you I lose track of time and tears.
Its because when I try to forgive you, I find I am the one in need of forgiveness.
They say I need to let it go. They say I need to let the past be past. Bi-gone eras be
bi-gone eras. Let everything remain a memory and lock it with the silver key of forgetting.
But I can't forget that you are now somebody that I used to know.
Somebody that I used to love, once upon a time.
And, when I miss you, I want pineapple soda.
Dear Dad,
Dear Dad,
I don't know what to say to you. I don't know where to begin or to end. Where do I even start? The beginning or the end?
Auntie says that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. She says that you have done many horrible things, many awful things. She says I am better off without you. Maybe she is right.
My friends say that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. That you are a druggie, a criminal. You are never going to change and what closure am I going to gain? What answer will I receive? Will reaching you give me any sense of peace? Will finding you give me any sense of closure? Or will it just bring me down further?
Am I using closure as a crutch, Dad? Do I need it to live? To move on?
Why do I even care anymore? Why do I bother? If you wanted to contact me you would, wouldn't you? You know where Auntie is, you could write her and ask her for my information. You could try. Does it mean that you don't care since you never ask about me? Or do you ask about me and she doesn't mention it because she is tired of me putting myself through all this?
Its my fault that you don't write anymore. That you haven't written in ten years. Nobody really knows that but me, so it is understandable that they can't comprehend why I try so hard to find you. And I need your forgiveness, Dad. I can live without the closure. I can live with you not caring about me anymore. But I need you to forgive me.
Forgive that thirteen year old girl who was trying desperately to recover from the loss of her grandmother. Forgive her for being hateful. Pardon her for hating you, at the time. She blamed you for Memere's death. But she was also hurting from promises that were broken as they were made. Forgive her for sending that hateful letter, so many years ago, saying she never wanted to talk to you again, because it was all your fault. Forgive her for falling prey to those horrible feelings building up in her chest.
Forgive me, Dad.
If I don't try to get your forgiveness, if I don't try to say I'm sorry, if I fail, I will never forgive myself. I can't live with myself, knowing that its my fault and that I didn't tell you I was sorry. Because I am sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry.
I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I wish you would give me some sign of something! Anything, really. I just want to know that sometimes you wonder about me. I just want to know that you can forgive my stupidity, that you still love me. Or feel some kind of emotion towards me.
And is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want this from you? I might receive some kind of closure, knowing I made the attempt. I tried. I worked hard, trying to fix it. Knowing it may never be fixed.
I've tried to cut you out of me. I've tried to drink you away. I've tried to lose you somewhere in my memories, far from me. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve this horrific guilt I feel for everything. I've been self-destructive and tried to rebuild. I've done things I'm not proud of, things I long to go back to, but I can't let myself. But in the end, you are a part of me.
You are in my smile, in my laugh. You are in my bloodstream, you are a part of me that I can never get rid of. No matter how hard I try. You are wired into me, just like our shared DNA. We are intrinsically entwined.
What do I do? Do I try to fix this? Do I let it go? Could I let it go?
Are you a crutch? Is this just a shameless cry for sympathy and attention?
I need some sort of resolution. What resolution do I expect? It has been ten years. Ten years and I can't forgive myself, or you. I can't let it go and I can't make it right.
So where does this leave us?
I don't know what to say to you. I don't know where to begin or to end. Where do I even start? The beginning or the end?
Auntie says that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. She says that you have done many horrible things, many awful things. She says I am better off without you. Maybe she is right.
My friends say that I should forget you. That I am better off without you in my life. That you are a druggie, a criminal. You are never going to change and what closure am I going to gain? What answer will I receive? Will reaching you give me any sense of peace? Will finding you give me any sense of closure? Or will it just bring me down further?
Am I using closure as a crutch, Dad? Do I need it to live? To move on?
Why do I even care anymore? Why do I bother? If you wanted to contact me you would, wouldn't you? You know where Auntie is, you could write her and ask her for my information. You could try. Does it mean that you don't care since you never ask about me? Or do you ask about me and she doesn't mention it because she is tired of me putting myself through all this?
Its my fault that you don't write anymore. That you haven't written in ten years. Nobody really knows that but me, so it is understandable that they can't comprehend why I try so hard to find you. And I need your forgiveness, Dad. I can live without the closure. I can live with you not caring about me anymore. But I need you to forgive me.
Forgive that thirteen year old girl who was trying desperately to recover from the loss of her grandmother. Forgive her for being hateful. Pardon her for hating you, at the time. She blamed you for Memere's death. But she was also hurting from promises that were broken as they were made. Forgive her for sending that hateful letter, so many years ago, saying she never wanted to talk to you again, because it was all your fault. Forgive her for falling prey to those horrible feelings building up in her chest.
Forgive me, Dad.
If I don't try to get your forgiveness, if I don't try to say I'm sorry, if I fail, I will never forgive myself. I can't live with myself, knowing that its my fault and that I didn't tell you I was sorry. Because I am sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry.
I miss you. I love you. I hate you. I wish you would give me some sign of something! Anything, really. I just want to know that sometimes you wonder about me. I just want to know that you can forgive my stupidity, that you still love me. Or feel some kind of emotion towards me.
And is that wrong? Is it wrong that I want this from you? I might receive some kind of closure, knowing I made the attempt. I tried. I worked hard, trying to fix it. Knowing it may never be fixed.
I've tried to cut you out of me. I've tried to drink you away. I've tried to lose you somewhere in my memories, far from me. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve this horrific guilt I feel for everything. I've been self-destructive and tried to rebuild. I've done things I'm not proud of, things I long to go back to, but I can't let myself. But in the end, you are a part of me.
You are in my smile, in my laugh. You are in my bloodstream, you are a part of me that I can never get rid of. No matter how hard I try. You are wired into me, just like our shared DNA. We are intrinsically entwined.
What do I do? Do I try to fix this? Do I let it go? Could I let it go?
Are you a crutch? Is this just a shameless cry for sympathy and attention?
I need some sort of resolution. What resolution do I expect? It has been ten years. Ten years and I can't forgive myself, or you. I can't let it go and I can't make it right.
So where does this leave us?
Sunday, January 01, 2012
A Thousand Years
For the New Year, here is the first song I listened to in 2012. (And, if one person says anything about this being on the Twilight soundtrack, so help me God!)
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.
A Dragon in the Year of the Dragon
Happy New Year Everyone!
As always, there are many regrets and sweet memories from the previous year and new resolutions for the new year. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year!
When I was younger, my friend, Kendra, and I made lists of all the firsts we did in the New Year. So here is a short list of firsts on this first day of the new year.
First Food eaten: Raspberry Mousse Whipped yogurt
First Drink (non-alcohol): Sam's Choice Cola
First Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
First Phone call made: To my mother.
First kiss received: Exactly at midnight, from my wonderful husband!
First Website visited: Facebook
Super short, I know. What can I say? Its early enough! There is so much day ahead of me!
I also have a short list of resolutions:
- Be completely awesome forever (Thank you, Donnie)
- Finish writing "All of Her"
- Lose weight (always)
- New and Improved Reading Goals (which I'll expound upon in a moment)
- Focus on improving my writing
- Finally get into college!
- Get a new car
- Move (again)
- Spend more time with my sister
- Enjoy life.
New and Improved Reading Goals
All things considered, I actually did really well with my resolution to read more last year. I made it all the way to October before I completely gave up for no apparent reason. The reasoning was actually I was super busy and spaced it mostly. Though I did try to read. However, as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."
The new reading goals are going to be divided by months. Each month will have specific goals to be met regarding reading. So bear with me!
January
- Read 1 book from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book I have had suggested to me.
Total: 3 books.
February
- Read 1 Sci-Fi novel.
- Read 1 Non-fiction.
- Read 1 Historical Fiction.
Total: 3 books.
March
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book that I randomly found at the library.
Total: 4 books.
April
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book my sister suggests.
- Read 1 book my brother suggests.
Total: 4 books.
May
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book that was turned into a movie.
- Read 1 book involving a topic I've never really explored before.
Total: 4 books.
June
- Read as many books as I want. This includes books I've already read.
Total: ?
July
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book of Historical Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book of Historical fiction.
Total: 4 books.
August
- Read 1 book about someone I admire.
- Read 1 book that is a sequel to a book I loved.
- Read 1 book about an animal.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
September
- Read 1 book about something I would I like to do.
- Read 1 book written about someone I hate.
- Read 1 book that I found randomly.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
October
- Read 1 Romance Novel.
- Read 1 Fantasy Novel.
- Read 1 Children's Book.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
November
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Finish 1 book I haven't finished.
- Read 1 book by Ayn Rand.
- Read 1 play by Shakespeare.
Total: 5 books.
December
- Read 1 book about Holidays. Fiction or Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book written 100 years ago.
- Read 1 book by Dr. Seuss.
Total: 3 books.
Approximate Total for 2012: 45 books.
As always, there are many regrets and sweet memories from the previous year and new resolutions for the new year. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year!
When I was younger, my friend, Kendra, and I made lists of all the firsts we did in the New Year. So here is a short list of firsts on this first day of the new year.
First Food eaten: Raspberry Mousse Whipped yogurt
First Drink (non-alcohol): Sam's Choice Cola
First Song: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri
First Phone call made: To my mother.
First kiss received: Exactly at midnight, from my wonderful husband!
First Website visited: Facebook
Super short, I know. What can I say? Its early enough! There is so much day ahead of me!
I also have a short list of resolutions:
- Be completely awesome forever (Thank you, Donnie)
- Finish writing "All of Her"
- Lose weight (always)
- New and Improved Reading Goals (which I'll expound upon in a moment)
- Focus on improving my writing
- Finally get into college!
- Get a new car
- Move (again)
- Spend more time with my sister
- Enjoy life.
New and Improved Reading Goals
All things considered, I actually did really well with my resolution to read more last year. I made it all the way to October before I completely gave up for no apparent reason. The reasoning was actually I was super busy and spaced it mostly. Though I did try to read. However, as Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try."
The new reading goals are going to be divided by months. Each month will have specific goals to be met regarding reading. So bear with me!
January
- Read 1 book from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book I have had suggested to me.
Total: 3 books.
February
- Read 1 Sci-Fi novel.
- Read 1 Non-fiction.
- Read 1 Historical Fiction.
Total: 3 books.
March
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book I haven't read in a while.
- Read 1 book that I randomly found at the library.
Total: 4 books.
April
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book my sister suggests.
- Read 1 book my brother suggests.
Total: 4 books.
May
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book that was turned into a movie.
- Read 1 book involving a topic I've never really explored before.
Total: 4 books.
June
- Read as many books as I want. This includes books I've already read.
Total: ?
July
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Read 1 book of Historical Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book of Historical fiction.
Total: 4 books.
August
- Read 1 book about someone I admire.
- Read 1 book that is a sequel to a book I loved.
- Read 1 book about an animal.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
September
- Read 1 book about something I would I like to do.
- Read 1 book written about someone I hate.
- Read 1 book that I found randomly.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
October
- Read 1 Romance Novel.
- Read 1 Fantasy Novel.
- Read 1 Children's Book.
- Read 2 books from my list.
Total: 5 books.
November
- Read 2 books from my list.
- Finish 1 book I haven't finished.
- Read 1 book by Ayn Rand.
- Read 1 play by Shakespeare.
Total: 5 books.
December
- Read 1 book about Holidays. Fiction or Non-fiction.
- Read 1 book written 100 years ago.
- Read 1 book by Dr. Seuss.
Total: 3 books.
Approximate Total for 2012: 45 books.
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